We’re attending a convention for sci-fi and fantasy located in Cary this weekend. It was really interesting, and our friend also was able to drop by. It’s always nice to hang out with S, though I worry I’m not a very attentive friend. I’m always tired and was looking everywhere at all the costumes.
I didn’t really take a lot of photos, it felt a little pervy since so many women were dressed scantily. Speaking of, tonight I’m looking forward to a belly dancing competition and a onesie party. I have hopes of making friends here, because that seems to be the point of the con.
I also bought a jack skelington apron from the dealers room, and will likely buy sock kitties for the stockings this Christmas. Five dollars a kitten is decent to me, especially since they’re homemade but well made, not cheaply. But I didn’t end up buying any.
That was Saturday. What I didn’t mention was that I saw my first burlesque show too. I didn’t realize it would involve naked people until they warned everyone to not take photos once pasties were visible. Then I was like, Hubby, you down for this? And when he said yes, I was like, Alright, let’s do this! So we didn’t get home til after 1 a.m.
Hence we overslept the next day, still cosplayed, and only got to attend a few things. I kind of wanted chain mail, but couldn’t justify the expense. Even though it was really cool. Not to mention the leather corsets. Man, those would be awesome.
Today was fun, but cosplaying there was less fun/exciting than it was at Animazement. Either way, I think we’re going to be keeping an eye out for other conventions in future, because this was really different from our other experiences, but not in a bad way.
Toodles!
Sunday, January 14, 2018
Thursday, January 4, 2018
I feel like writing
My tablet updated and basically kicked me out. I can’t get it working, so now I have an iPad. It’s interesting. Pretty easy to use, but some quirks that I can’t get used to. I love my new case though. It’s really neat.
For Christmas I got an ancestry kit from Hubby like I asked for. As well as a set of dark chocolate oranges. They’re really yummy. I feel like I got something else too but don’t remember it right now.
All I got him was a Smartboy, so he could play his game boy games on his new smartphone which I insisted he finally get. Unfortunately he didn’t get a compatible model, and I bought it so long ago I couldn’t return it. It really sucks and makes me feel rather depressed. He doesn’t like when I spend a lot of money though, so I haven’t gotten him anything else. I didn’t think I would need to, since it was expensive and perfect, I thought. So yeah, I failed him this year.
Mj is doing better recently. She hasn’t done any self harming in over a week, but she was harming the week before Christmas. It’s depressing. She cries a lot when we talk, saying she wants to come home and won’t do it again, yet a week or two later, she’s back to giving into her impulses. I want her home, but I’m more opposed to letting her have the opportunity to kill herself, so she’s staying until they’re sure she’s got control of herself.
I know she’s lonely. I’m lonely too. I’ve done well in not buying too much for her. My New Years resolution is to spend less money. I’m trying to control my own impulses and only buy necessary things while remaining on a reasonable budget rather than one that’s optimistic. When I’m too optimistic and can’t meet the goal, I tend to just give up and buy whatever rather than keeping on target.
Incidentally, I’ve found that I most want to go work out etc when I’m not in a good condition for it. Example? I twisted and bruised my ankle Tuesday night. Today I really wanted to go work out at my gym on my way home. Yes, this is always how it works. I’m so damned contrary. But I love being able to be that way. Like, really love it. So I don’t see myself changing that much.
Thankfully I’ve altered my eating habits slightly so that I only eat when I’m super hungry, and try to eat just enough to stop the hunger pains. This has made some progress in my weight loss, though it annoys me to stay hungry so often. There’s also a fine line that I sometimes cross where I end up sick from not eating soon enough, or my stomach gets upset, but I think it’s worth it.
I’m sure there’s tons of things I could write about, but I’ll end here, since I feel satisfied with what I’ve written so far. Happy New Year!
For Christmas I got an ancestry kit from Hubby like I asked for. As well as a set of dark chocolate oranges. They’re really yummy. I feel like I got something else too but don’t remember it right now.
All I got him was a Smartboy, so he could play his game boy games on his new smartphone which I insisted he finally get. Unfortunately he didn’t get a compatible model, and I bought it so long ago I couldn’t return it. It really sucks and makes me feel rather depressed. He doesn’t like when I spend a lot of money though, so I haven’t gotten him anything else. I didn’t think I would need to, since it was expensive and perfect, I thought. So yeah, I failed him this year.
Mj is doing better recently. She hasn’t done any self harming in over a week, but she was harming the week before Christmas. It’s depressing. She cries a lot when we talk, saying she wants to come home and won’t do it again, yet a week or two later, she’s back to giving into her impulses. I want her home, but I’m more opposed to letting her have the opportunity to kill herself, so she’s staying until they’re sure she’s got control of herself.
I know she’s lonely. I’m lonely too. I’ve done well in not buying too much for her. My New Years resolution is to spend less money. I’m trying to control my own impulses and only buy necessary things while remaining on a reasonable budget rather than one that’s optimistic. When I’m too optimistic and can’t meet the goal, I tend to just give up and buy whatever rather than keeping on target.
Incidentally, I’ve found that I most want to go work out etc when I’m not in a good condition for it. Example? I twisted and bruised my ankle Tuesday night. Today I really wanted to go work out at my gym on my way home. Yes, this is always how it works. I’m so damned contrary. But I love being able to be that way. Like, really love it. So I don’t see myself changing that much.
Thankfully I’ve altered my eating habits slightly so that I only eat when I’m super hungry, and try to eat just enough to stop the hunger pains. This has made some progress in my weight loss, though it annoys me to stay hungry so often. There’s also a fine line that I sometimes cross where I end up sick from not eating soon enough, or my stomach gets upset, but I think it’s worth it.
I’m sure there’s tons of things I could write about, but I’ll end here, since I feel satisfied with what I’ve written so far. Happy New Year!
Thursday, November 30, 2017
That awkward moment when...
You're feeling weak and you think 'Oh yeah, I was hungry a couple hours ago. I should eat something.'
Then you keep thinking and 'realize' 'Oh, but I'm really overweight, its past midnight, I don't deserve food.'
And yes, thats the thought you have. Not the friendly, politically correct idea of 'Oh, I shouldn't eat, it may have me to gain too much weight.' No. My body has eaten too much, obviously I've had more than my share, I don't deserve any more food.
So then you're reflecting on the honest thought, and how you're a 'strong, powerful mom' that your child is unhealthily focused on, and 'Why can't you get it together for her sake, if not yours?'
You have seen how she watches every move you make, dissects your decisions with a fine tooth comb, and scrutinizes your every conversation with a magnifying glass. If your husband announces a decision, she shrugs. But you? You need a theory, thesis argument, ten references (she will check) and two virgin sacrifices before she accepts it as truth.
And really? While its irritating as fuck, and you get overly annoyed by it, you either stand by your stance, or you're presented with proof you're wrong and you apologize, thank her for checking, and admit you've learned something new. You don't hold to ideas that are proven false because willful ignorance is something you can't accept, other than in hearing about the news. Your life is depressing enough without that piled on top, thanks very much.
So you continue with your second motto of 'Leave things better than you found them', smile at strangers even when you're scared, organize parts of a shop though you're not buying something, help someone move something and go on about your business. You buy extra food and blankets to keep in your car, just in case someone needs it, and now you're back to food.
So you sigh and acknowledge a weak body is stupid, there's a limit to hunger, go get something from the fridge. You open the door, peek inside, see multiple things you normally enjoy, but you don't want anything now. You feel heavy and unattractive, and its not like your stomach is still growling, that passed hours ago. So you shrug, shut the door, and sigh as you snag your computer to head to bed but decide to whip up a quick 'How I've been' post since it's been a while since you've posted.
And you recognize the awkwardness of posting this, because you're not 'secretly looking for compliments/encouragement/denial' you're just observing a part of your day in an unfiltered post because some days are nice and some nights are bad. And you press publish because you don't think its a shameful thing to have these feelings sometimes.
Update. Heard this today and feel very emotional about it:
Then you keep thinking and 'realize' 'Oh, but I'm really overweight, its past midnight, I don't deserve food.'
And yes, thats the thought you have. Not the friendly, politically correct idea of 'Oh, I shouldn't eat, it may have me to gain too much weight.' No. My body has eaten too much, obviously I've had more than my share, I don't deserve any more food.
So then you're reflecting on the honest thought, and how you're a 'strong, powerful mom' that your child is unhealthily focused on, and 'Why can't you get it together for her sake, if not yours?'
You have seen how she watches every move you make, dissects your decisions with a fine tooth comb, and scrutinizes your every conversation with a magnifying glass. If your husband announces a decision, she shrugs. But you? You need a theory, thesis argument, ten references (she will check) and two virgin sacrifices before she accepts it as truth.
And really? While its irritating as fuck, and you get overly annoyed by it, you either stand by your stance, or you're presented with proof you're wrong and you apologize, thank her for checking, and admit you've learned something new. You don't hold to ideas that are proven false because willful ignorance is something you can't accept, other than in hearing about the news. Your life is depressing enough without that piled on top, thanks very much.
So you continue with your second motto of 'Leave things better than you found them', smile at strangers even when you're scared, organize parts of a shop though you're not buying something, help someone move something and go on about your business. You buy extra food and blankets to keep in your car, just in case someone needs it, and now you're back to food.
So you sigh and acknowledge a weak body is stupid, there's a limit to hunger, go get something from the fridge. You open the door, peek inside, see multiple things you normally enjoy, but you don't want anything now. You feel heavy and unattractive, and its not like your stomach is still growling, that passed hours ago. So you shrug, shut the door, and sigh as you snag your computer to head to bed but decide to whip up a quick 'How I've been' post since it's been a while since you've posted.
And you recognize the awkwardness of posting this, because you're not 'secretly looking for compliments/encouragement/denial' you're just observing a part of your day in an unfiltered post because some days are nice and some nights are bad. And you press publish because you don't think its a shameful thing to have these feelings sometimes.
Update. Heard this today and feel very emotional about it:
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
Update on situation(s) 10/14
So it's been a tumultuous two weeks.
On Thursday, MJ tried to hang herself.
On Saturday, I and my sister get into an extreme shouting match the likes of which I have quite literally never been in with anyone, let alone my sister. I blatantly told her I stopped being her sister when I had to take her daughter in instead of having my own.
On Monday, the hospital discharged our child to a psych ward without telling us, proclaiming they 'left a voicemail' (but mine's been full for weeks, and Hubby never got a call period. I got one phone call), and when we called to see why they called, they said MJ was still there, nothing had changed. When we arrived to give her homework from school, they told us there was no one there by that name. Of course I am irate, what do you mean, that's my daughter, you'd better have her. They ask us to step aside, the social worker will be here shortly to discuss it with us. This is the same social worker that's terribly insensitive and seems to think most children's parents are at fault for everything. That was fun.
On Tuesday, Hubby and I called old friends to discuss the situation, hoping for sympathy, some new ideas of what could have set MJ off, if there's something we didn't see, if there's treatments they've heard that we haven't, etc. That's definitely not what we got.
We got some interesting questions that were leading, and quite evocative of an interrogation, followed by some gentle allegations that we're too strict (particularly me- Which is true, I'm the strict one), too hard on her (not particularly true, we're fairly gentle in most punishments, and rarely get more than vaguely irritated at her when she doesn't meet one, as the bar isn't set very high to begin with), and don't love her enough (W.T.F.)
Now it's certainly true from a distance, if you see us with her once or twice a year, versus a monthly-esque adjustment into the household, you'll see I'm rather strict with her manners and interruptions, as we're unlikely to see said visitors very often at all, and prioritize them on those rare occasions. When I say rare, I mean I'm that strict possibly 4-5 times a year. Most times, MJ's needs are prioritized, even over friends after they've had their '3 visit rule' met.
It's also true that we use our blogs are a diary of sorts, to vent and acknowledge our frustrations and anger, rather than show them to MJ, or worse, take said frustrations out on her. Most of the things we say in these forums will never reach her ears or eyes, as we realize these thoughts are not appropriate to tell her. If all you really hear of our dealings with her are the blogs, or the times she's pushed us to our limit, you're likely to have a skewed idea of our relationship.
But frankly, when a child has attempted suicide, and the parents are struggling, when that child has yet to be released from the hospital, it is never okay to imply that the parents are at fault for not loving her enough. It's not only unhelpful for if it were true: they can hardly suddenly increase their love for a child, it's there or it's not. It's also hurtful, as it's saying the parents aren't worthy of having said child, and are at fault for a child's decision.
It's of particular note that the child made the attempt at school, because she KNEW we pay too much attention to her when she's home to be successful there.
Since then, we've internalized a bit of what they said, questioning ourselves, our relationship with MJ, and our relationship with the ones who believe we're unsuitable parents. Frankly, if we don't love her enough, I'm quite confident no other parent can love her more. If we don't show our love with her enough, that's something we can't attempt to do more than we've been doing before this second attempt, as we've already done as much as we can to show her she's loved since the first. And in final, with such a close-minded view, and refusal to acknowledge they can be wrong, we're still unsure whether we'd like to continue a friendship with such unsupportive friends. We've decided to wait and see what our feelings are after we've finished with the crisis we're currently living in. The final relationship is by far the least of our concerns when our daughter's life is in danger.
Since that Tuesday, we've also looked into the first attempt and second attempts commonalities and found that her first attempt was three days after seeing her bio mother, and this one was six days after. When we visited her on Wednesday, she admitted she'd kept her phone calls as short as possible, and talked to us as little as possible to keep herself from being comforted and loved so she can stay determined to try again. She cried and asked why we had to come, when she wasn't expecting it, and couldn't prepare to be off-putting.
Today, Saturday, we spoke with bio mom, who said she wanted to back off on meeting MJ, as she had finally internalized our conversation from the previous Saturday, and feels that it's her leaving MJ at the end of the visits that is setting MJ off. The conversations they have could have an impact, but my thought is that MJ wasn't stable from the start of the meeting due to her friend's attempt a few weeks ago. She wasn't warned that she'd see her bio mom, and that likely wrecked her equilibrium, as she almost immediately was using an online consultation after she left her.
It certainly doesn't help that she feels isolated and bullied at school, and I was too nauseas that week to work out with her (she went with her dad instead), so she likely felt a lack of support compared to most weeks. We still talked about her day, what she did, what she liked, what she looked forward to, what she didn't like, just like every day. But it wasn't enough.
As both our parents have stated, we've given everything we can give and it's not enough right now to keep her stable. She needs professional assistance to get a cushion to help her deal with feelings that overwhelm her. All the love and acceptance in the world won't save her from herself when she's drowning in her own feelings that she hasn't learned to assimilate well enough.
Unfortunately, I know this from experience myself. These last two weeks have been so stressful, I'm slipping in and out of depression. I was reminded on Thursday just how difficult and pointless life seems when you're depressed. I woke utterly bereft of any feeling beyond grief and weariness. What was the point of getting out of my bed, when it's just going to be a long, listless day without my daughter, separated from my husband, littered with tears from grief? Why continue to exist? What's the point? I ended up running late, but I got up, dressed, and on my way to work. I stayed close to tears for hours while I worked, trying not to give in and worry my clients. At one point, I texted Hubby in despair because I couldn't remember how to smile and every time I tried, it looked wrong.
It finally faded away enough to let me get through my day. I'm quite good at pretending, after all. But that night we went to Costco, and they had a 58" teddy bear on sale. Now normally, I ask Hubby for extravagances before I put them in the cart. This time, I didn't hesitate. I picked up the first one to catch my eye, and put it into the cart. Then I looked right at Hubby and waited. He didn't even quibble. What he did do was check it over and declare it wasn't good enough, because it had some straggly hair. So I picked a different one, he looked it over, and I put it into the cart. This teddy is nearly 5 feet long, thicker in the middle than I am, and so soft and cuddly. I smiled without effort for the first time that day.
The social worker and case worker for MJ are looking into long-term care for her in a psych ward to get her stabilized. They say it's not uncommon for a chemical imbalance to happen during puberty, and after a year without suicide attempts, the danger has usually passed and they can begin weaning her off the drugs slowly. The therapist Hubby and I have been seeing said she's seen cases where the child wakes up one day and just no longer feels hopeless, and will be fine. I'm kind of banking on that, and willing to wait and keep working toward it. The therapist said that working with children like this is like an abusive relationship, and therapy is simply wiping our wounds before going back in the ring, ready to deal with her fairly and gently until she's able to handle more.
I'm relaxing my honesty stance. I've always been strictly honest to the point of being painfully so, but I don't feel that's necessarily in MJ's best interest right now. 'The truth hurts' is quite certainly true, as proven on last Saturday when I tore into my sister without a single lie, but plenty of truths that she never knew, and was not ready to face until it was screamed into her ear. My words are still in her head, as proven by our conversation tonight, when she said she felt backing off, initiating contact when the psychiatrist suggests it, starting slowly with letters, then phone calls, then visits would be best.
So I'm relaxing it. I'm tired of adhering to being strictly honest, and it doesn't seem to be beneficial for the most part, beyond all children immediately believing me when I assure them I'm being truthful. Look forward to some entertaining tall tales in future. It's kinda fun to see how well I'm believed when I'm bullshitting. Also, Hubby? Jackalopes aren't real, but your face when I told you they were and you believed me certainly was amusing. Love you!
On Thursday, MJ tried to hang herself.
On Saturday, I and my sister get into an extreme shouting match the likes of which I have quite literally never been in with anyone, let alone my sister. I blatantly told her I stopped being her sister when I had to take her daughter in instead of having my own.
On Monday, the hospital discharged our child to a psych ward without telling us, proclaiming they 'left a voicemail' (but mine's been full for weeks, and Hubby never got a call period. I got one phone call), and when we called to see why they called, they said MJ was still there, nothing had changed. When we arrived to give her homework from school, they told us there was no one there by that name. Of course I am irate, what do you mean, that's my daughter, you'd better have her. They ask us to step aside, the social worker will be here shortly to discuss it with us. This is the same social worker that's terribly insensitive and seems to think most children's parents are at fault for everything. That was fun.
On Tuesday, Hubby and I called old friends to discuss the situation, hoping for sympathy, some new ideas of what could have set MJ off, if there's something we didn't see, if there's treatments they've heard that we haven't, etc. That's definitely not what we got.
We got some interesting questions that were leading, and quite evocative of an interrogation, followed by some gentle allegations that we're too strict (particularly me- Which is true, I'm the strict one), too hard on her (not particularly true, we're fairly gentle in most punishments, and rarely get more than vaguely irritated at her when she doesn't meet one, as the bar isn't set very high to begin with), and don't love her enough (W.T.F.)
Now it's certainly true from a distance, if you see us with her once or twice a year, versus a monthly-esque adjustment into the household, you'll see I'm rather strict with her manners and interruptions, as we're unlikely to see said visitors very often at all, and prioritize them on those rare occasions. When I say rare, I mean I'm that strict possibly 4-5 times a year. Most times, MJ's needs are prioritized, even over friends after they've had their '3 visit rule' met.
It's also true that we use our blogs are a diary of sorts, to vent and acknowledge our frustrations and anger, rather than show them to MJ, or worse, take said frustrations out on her. Most of the things we say in these forums will never reach her ears or eyes, as we realize these thoughts are not appropriate to tell her. If all you really hear of our dealings with her are the blogs, or the times she's pushed us to our limit, you're likely to have a skewed idea of our relationship.
But frankly, when a child has attempted suicide, and the parents are struggling, when that child has yet to be released from the hospital, it is never okay to imply that the parents are at fault for not loving her enough. It's not only unhelpful for if it were true: they can hardly suddenly increase their love for a child, it's there or it's not. It's also hurtful, as it's saying the parents aren't worthy of having said child, and are at fault for a child's decision.
It's of particular note that the child made the attempt at school, because she KNEW we pay too much attention to her when she's home to be successful there.
Since then, we've internalized a bit of what they said, questioning ourselves, our relationship with MJ, and our relationship with the ones who believe we're unsuitable parents. Frankly, if we don't love her enough, I'm quite confident no other parent can love her more. If we don't show our love with her enough, that's something we can't attempt to do more than we've been doing before this second attempt, as we've already done as much as we can to show her she's loved since the first. And in final, with such a close-minded view, and refusal to acknowledge they can be wrong, we're still unsure whether we'd like to continue a friendship with such unsupportive friends. We've decided to wait and see what our feelings are after we've finished with the crisis we're currently living in. The final relationship is by far the least of our concerns when our daughter's life is in danger.
Since that Tuesday, we've also looked into the first attempt and second attempts commonalities and found that her first attempt was three days after seeing her bio mother, and this one was six days after. When we visited her on Wednesday, she admitted she'd kept her phone calls as short as possible, and talked to us as little as possible to keep herself from being comforted and loved so she can stay determined to try again. She cried and asked why we had to come, when she wasn't expecting it, and couldn't prepare to be off-putting.
Today, Saturday, we spoke with bio mom, who said she wanted to back off on meeting MJ, as she had finally internalized our conversation from the previous Saturday, and feels that it's her leaving MJ at the end of the visits that is setting MJ off. The conversations they have could have an impact, but my thought is that MJ wasn't stable from the start of the meeting due to her friend's attempt a few weeks ago. She wasn't warned that she'd see her bio mom, and that likely wrecked her equilibrium, as she almost immediately was using an online consultation after she left her.
It certainly doesn't help that she feels isolated and bullied at school, and I was too nauseas that week to work out with her (she went with her dad instead), so she likely felt a lack of support compared to most weeks. We still talked about her day, what she did, what she liked, what she looked forward to, what she didn't like, just like every day. But it wasn't enough.
As both our parents have stated, we've given everything we can give and it's not enough right now to keep her stable. She needs professional assistance to get a cushion to help her deal with feelings that overwhelm her. All the love and acceptance in the world won't save her from herself when she's drowning in her own feelings that she hasn't learned to assimilate well enough.
Unfortunately, I know this from experience myself. These last two weeks have been so stressful, I'm slipping in and out of depression. I was reminded on Thursday just how difficult and pointless life seems when you're depressed. I woke utterly bereft of any feeling beyond grief and weariness. What was the point of getting out of my bed, when it's just going to be a long, listless day without my daughter, separated from my husband, littered with tears from grief? Why continue to exist? What's the point? I ended up running late, but I got up, dressed, and on my way to work. I stayed close to tears for hours while I worked, trying not to give in and worry my clients. At one point, I texted Hubby in despair because I couldn't remember how to smile and every time I tried, it looked wrong.
It finally faded away enough to let me get through my day. I'm quite good at pretending, after all. But that night we went to Costco, and they had a 58" teddy bear on sale. Now normally, I ask Hubby for extravagances before I put them in the cart. This time, I didn't hesitate. I picked up the first one to catch my eye, and put it into the cart. Then I looked right at Hubby and waited. He didn't even quibble. What he did do was check it over and declare it wasn't good enough, because it had some straggly hair. So I picked a different one, he looked it over, and I put it into the cart. This teddy is nearly 5 feet long, thicker in the middle than I am, and so soft and cuddly. I smiled without effort for the first time that day.
The social worker and case worker for MJ are looking into long-term care for her in a psych ward to get her stabilized. They say it's not uncommon for a chemical imbalance to happen during puberty, and after a year without suicide attempts, the danger has usually passed and they can begin weaning her off the drugs slowly. The therapist Hubby and I have been seeing said she's seen cases where the child wakes up one day and just no longer feels hopeless, and will be fine. I'm kind of banking on that, and willing to wait and keep working toward it. The therapist said that working with children like this is like an abusive relationship, and therapy is simply wiping our wounds before going back in the ring, ready to deal with her fairly and gently until she's able to handle more.
I'm relaxing my honesty stance. I've always been strictly honest to the point of being painfully so, but I don't feel that's necessarily in MJ's best interest right now. 'The truth hurts' is quite certainly true, as proven on last Saturday when I tore into my sister without a single lie, but plenty of truths that she never knew, and was not ready to face until it was screamed into her ear. My words are still in her head, as proven by our conversation tonight, when she said she felt backing off, initiating contact when the psychiatrist suggests it, starting slowly with letters, then phone calls, then visits would be best.
So I'm relaxing it. I'm tired of adhering to being strictly honest, and it doesn't seem to be beneficial for the most part, beyond all children immediately believing me when I assure them I'm being truthful. Look forward to some entertaining tall tales in future. It's kinda fun to see how well I'm believed when I'm bullshitting. Also, Hubby? Jackalopes aren't real, but your face when I told you they were and you believed me certainly was amusing. Love you!
Thursday, October 5, 2017
Another Attempt
Well, she made it five months before trying it again.
Mia attempted suicide again today. She was amused when I cried. She laughed when she admitted she didn't bring her lunch box to school because she didn't expect to live to lunch. She said she doesn't see a point in living in the same breath as she says she doesn't want the younger littles to imitate her. I think she's amused at everything right now.
So she went to the bathroom during class changes, and decided while she was peeing, that it was a good time to die. She had written a suicide note early today in class and so she took the string from my jacket (that she borrowed today), tied it to a rafter while standing on the toilet, and jumped.
The only reason she didn't die is because she was too tall. Her feet could touch the ground. She has some superficial scratches around her neck and a red stretch mark in the front of her neck, but otherwise is unharmed.
The irony is that there was no warning. Her plan was actually sound, her letter well written. She's a manipulative little birch. She said she saw no point in living.
Alright then. I think something in me has broken now. One day we're going to come home to a dead child, or get a call from her school that she's finally succeeded. I feel a bit like a parent whose child has gone off to war. Difference being they die for a good cause.
She's at war, but with herself. I'm grieving and angry, she seemed surprised to hear I'm angry. Hubby is actually quite upset, but says he's not angry. Maybe the anger will come soon.
Why is it like this?
Where did we fail?
Are all children we have going to have going to be like this?
Is there anything that will salvage this child?
Even if she makes it to adulthood, is she just going to keep trying until she succeeds?
I think I need counselling for myself. I can feel my depression rising rapidly to consume me. I'm feeling listless with bouts of grief bubbling up and bursting out. My eyes and nose and cheeks hurt. I hate crying.
MJ when explained what grief means asked why I feel loss. I'm baffled as to how to answer that.
She just said "hey, at least I didn't start drugs like I'd planned to do this summer." I'm fairly certain she's feeling offset because hubby and I haven't torn into her or anything. She's trying to push us into something. Maybe she feels she needs to be punished. She just asked about juvie. This feels like validation of my theory.
She's pushing us away, and this time, I'll likely let her. How do you hold on to someone that wants to leave so badly?
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
Childling Ramblings
So today MJ asked Hubby if she could go back to the mental hospital. Today at school, she said her SS teacher told her she was 'ignorant, selfish, and mean', and it rather impacted her badly. When Hubby asked if this was why, she said it was only 20%, and that she didn't want to explain any more to him.
So when she went to bed, I strode in, pushed her over, and cuddled up to her back. Asked what's wrong, and refused to budge. For you future parents, this is a wonderful way to get your child to be honest and hear what they think. At first, she insisted nothing was wrong, but when I just laid there and held her closer, she started rambling.
She said that when people find out she likes girls, they look at her different. One group of girls she was friendly with completely stopped talking to her after she told them. They basically said they didn't want to talk to her because they didn't want her to hit on them, even though she said she wouldn't. Told me that privately she didn't feel like they were her type, but didn't tell them that because it would hurt their feelings.
She said the top two rumors at school were about her, and fighting, separately. She's scared of what will happen when someone eventually puts the rumors together and decides she needs to be fought. She says she's tough, and she knows she can fight, but she doesn't want to hurt anyone, so she's going to get hurt, and she's always scared someone's going to hurt her at school.
This led to her feeling that she's never safe. It's better when she's with us, but she doesn't feel safe anywhere, and can't explain what would make her feel safe. That other adults tell her to tell them when she feels unsafe, but she never NOT feels unsafe, so it's a joke to make a statement like that to her. She explained that she always feels like there's people around, that she's being followed or watched, and it's worst going and coming back from the bus stop. I personally think this is her paranoia acting up, but it doesn't mean she doesn't feel uncomfortably on display.
From there she admitted how her humor is off putting. She knows it is, and she tries not to laugh at inappropriate times, but it's hard for her. An example she gave was a boy is riding is bicycle and he dies. To her, that's funny. I explained that to others, it's horrifying, not because he died necessarily, but because there's an empty hole where he was for his friends and family. She admitted that's sad, and I told her to focus on that with other people, because no one will understand that she finds death funny.
She mentioned that every day she wakes up, and cries because she didn't die in the night and now has to get up. She doesn't hurt herself to die, she hurts herself because it makes her happy. She likes the pain, and it makes her feel good, she isn't trying to die, but she wants to.
I told her that who she is now is not who she'll be later. That I'm so excited to see what she'll become in five, ten, fifteen, twenty years from now. When she came from the hospital, her mother and I would lay in bed and her mom would talk about what she wanted for MJ, and it boiled down to being happy. MJ snorted and said that would never happen. I began explaining how age changes you in many ways. That who I was as a teen is not who I am now.
At that point she chimed in with how she's recently realized she has a 'Runa-complex'. Basically, she was incredibly let down when she came to live with us and I didn't have long blonde hair, thin waist, and sweet manners. She said that who I was then, shocked her, because I was no longer perfect, and she fought me so much because she couldn't reconcile who I was with who I became. She said I was more immature, and that shocked her too much. She said that recently she's realized I wasn't immature, I was just free.
And she's right. I'm much freer than I ever was before I went to college and got married. It shows in my non bullshit policies. She admitted that even though I'm not perfect anymore, she'll still kill someone if they mess with me, because she still admires me and loves me. It's sweet, but I told her I was fairly sure I could kill them myself, thanks. She laughed and agreed that I'm really strong.
It reminds me of how she insists that I should cosplay as Tsunade from Naruto or Olivier Mira Armstrong from FMA-Brotherhood. She's Armstrong's sister, and she's strong and scary as hell. Every character she feels I'm suited for is blonde, strong, and outspoken. They're called 'fearsome and commanding' for a reason, basically. It's shocking to me that her image of me is so strong, when I don't feel that I am, but I'll just have to keep trying to live up to it and hope it helps her become stronger too.
I'm not going to give an analysis or prognosis of these things she discussed with me, I just wanted a log of it for future reference. She's doing a project for me tomorrow and Friday where every hour she'll write what she's thinking in a notebook and create a 'POV log' for me, to help us and her psychiatrist understand her better.
Speaking of, she doesn't like her medicine, and wants a new one. She's scared of becoming a drug addict and has threatened to throw her medicine away if we up the drug anymore. Her psych lady has suggested upping the dosage before, and with these insecurities popping up again, I'm certain she'll bring it up again. *sigh*
https://youtu.be/clKAdQnwJ7A
So when she went to bed, I strode in, pushed her over, and cuddled up to her back. Asked what's wrong, and refused to budge. For you future parents, this is a wonderful way to get your child to be honest and hear what they think. At first, she insisted nothing was wrong, but when I just laid there and held her closer, she started rambling.
She said that when people find out she likes girls, they look at her different. One group of girls she was friendly with completely stopped talking to her after she told them. They basically said they didn't want to talk to her because they didn't want her to hit on them, even though she said she wouldn't. Told me that privately she didn't feel like they were her type, but didn't tell them that because it would hurt their feelings.
She said the top two rumors at school were about her, and fighting, separately. She's scared of what will happen when someone eventually puts the rumors together and decides she needs to be fought. She says she's tough, and she knows she can fight, but she doesn't want to hurt anyone, so she's going to get hurt, and she's always scared someone's going to hurt her at school.
This led to her feeling that she's never safe. It's better when she's with us, but she doesn't feel safe anywhere, and can't explain what would make her feel safe. That other adults tell her to tell them when she feels unsafe, but she never NOT feels unsafe, so it's a joke to make a statement like that to her. She explained that she always feels like there's people around, that she's being followed or watched, and it's worst going and coming back from the bus stop. I personally think this is her paranoia acting up, but it doesn't mean she doesn't feel uncomfortably on display.
From there she admitted how her humor is off putting. She knows it is, and she tries not to laugh at inappropriate times, but it's hard for her. An example she gave was a boy is riding is bicycle and he dies. To her, that's funny. I explained that to others, it's horrifying, not because he died necessarily, but because there's an empty hole where he was for his friends and family. She admitted that's sad, and I told her to focus on that with other people, because no one will understand that she finds death funny.
She mentioned that every day she wakes up, and cries because she didn't die in the night and now has to get up. She doesn't hurt herself to die, she hurts herself because it makes her happy. She likes the pain, and it makes her feel good, she isn't trying to die, but she wants to.
I told her that who she is now is not who she'll be later. That I'm so excited to see what she'll become in five, ten, fifteen, twenty years from now. When she came from the hospital, her mother and I would lay in bed and her mom would talk about what she wanted for MJ, and it boiled down to being happy. MJ snorted and said that would never happen. I began explaining how age changes you in many ways. That who I was as a teen is not who I am now.
At that point she chimed in with how she's recently realized she has a 'Runa-complex'. Basically, she was incredibly let down when she came to live with us and I didn't have long blonde hair, thin waist, and sweet manners. She said that who I was then, shocked her, because I was no longer perfect, and she fought me so much because she couldn't reconcile who I was with who I became. She said I was more immature, and that shocked her too much. She said that recently she's realized I wasn't immature, I was just free.
And she's right. I'm much freer than I ever was before I went to college and got married. It shows in my non bullshit policies. She admitted that even though I'm not perfect anymore, she'll still kill someone if they mess with me, because she still admires me and loves me. It's sweet, but I told her I was fairly sure I could kill them myself, thanks. She laughed and agreed that I'm really strong.
It reminds me of how she insists that I should cosplay as Tsunade from Naruto or Olivier Mira Armstrong from FMA-Brotherhood. She's Armstrong's sister, and she's strong and scary as hell. Every character she feels I'm suited for is blonde, strong, and outspoken. They're called 'fearsome and commanding' for a reason, basically. It's shocking to me that her image of me is so strong, when I don't feel that I am, but I'll just have to keep trying to live up to it and hope it helps her become stronger too.
I'm not going to give an analysis or prognosis of these things she discussed with me, I just wanted a log of it for future reference. She's doing a project for me tomorrow and Friday where every hour she'll write what she's thinking in a notebook and create a 'POV log' for me, to help us and her psychiatrist understand her better.
Speaking of, she doesn't like her medicine, and wants a new one. She's scared of becoming a drug addict and has threatened to throw her medicine away if we up the drug anymore. Her psych lady has suggested upping the dosage before, and with these insecurities popping up again, I'm certain she'll bring it up again. *sigh*
https://youtu.be/clKAdQnwJ7A
Monday, June 12, 2017
First Day with MJ at work with me- What a parent must be
So it's finally summer! The season children anticipate, and I dread. With MJ's recent antics, we've decided it would be the height of foolishness to let her mind herself for any extended period of time, which means we're taking turns hauling her to work with us. Today was her first day with me, and it was hectic.
My day started at 8 am, getting everyone up and off in the car. We dropped off Hubby, and voom voomed to my massage job for a massage at 9 a.m. We got in about five-ten minutes before 9, got my room set up, dropped kid off in the break room with strict orders to stay there and be quiet, and began my first session. MJ seemed very bored and even disheartened that she basically needed to exist in a small 6 x 6 room for several hours, but there wasn't much else I could do with her. After my first session (very nice athlete, first time working on him), I had a bit of time before the next (20ish minutes) and asked if MJ wanted to help me set my room up (mostly so she could get out of the room for a bit, it would have been faster to change the room by myself to be honest, but I had the time). She agreed with almost worrisome enthusiasm, and I made sure to compliment her when she did something right, and show her how to do something correctly without much caustic annoyance. I felt bad that she lit up so easily over a few easy compliments.
Then I was off to my next session, with my non-English speaking client arriving early. It wasn't until I put hands on him that I remembered him, and the session proceeded fairly smoothly after that, though I never turned him over and stayed on his back the entire session this time and I'm not sure if that's what he wanted, but he doesn't speak enough English for me to ask him, so.... After his session, I invited MJ to my room again, and had her do the things I taught her an hour previously, and showed her a few more things she could help with. She commented that it was like she was an intern, and she seemed delighted about it.
She actually does have potential as a massage therapist, so I think that could be a good compromise for our 'continuing education' option for her. It's a very good skill-set, and will usually mesh VERY well with a student's availability. It'd provide a livable income while she pursues a second job set to supplement it, so I definitely wouldn't be against sending her to massage school.
Then it was back to the small room that was too hot (she and I both were hot in it, but there wasn't anywhere else for her), while I concluded my last session, then rushed off to my next job. The road I normally take to get there was closed off, so I had to a take a longer detour that made me about five minutes late. This job was teaching English to a Japanese family, and she's met the kids before, so it was nice. It was incredibly chaotic, and the mishmash of languages left me a little blindsided, but it was interesting.
There were times I felt indignant that MJ wasn't answering their questions (or even appearing to pay attention), but sometimes that was because it was asked in Japanese and I didn't notice, and sometimes it was just MJ daydreaming or something. I was trying to work out of the work book with H, while HM and T played dominoes with MJ next to us. It was a cacophony of noise and I felt overcrowded, so maybe MJ was feeling that too.
We ended with trying to sing the Star Spangled Banner (H asked me to teach it to her), and then I was rushing off again.
This time we had an appt with her therapists (both at the same time, for the first time). I dropped MJ off at the front and went to park in the parking deck, so she was 10 minutes late, but I was 20 minutes late. Even so, I walked in with her second therapist anyway, so I didn't miss anything. Then the one I walked in with asked me and the other therapist to leave so she could check in privately with MJ. Neither of them told me what was discussed, and I'm just leaving it alone. I don't even want to know, really.
While they were doing that, I spoke with the other therapist about MJ's wish to be adopted. She suggested we give her a positive response, but not a 'Yes, we'll adopt you,' more like a 'How about in X months, if you still want it, we'll pursue it.' On the one hand, I like this approach, and want to suggest when she turns 15 (so a year and a half), if she still wants it we'll do it. Actually, thinking about it, maybe next summer would be best. She could change her name over the summer and start high school as a K instead of an M if that's what she really wants.
On the other hand, I have this niggling feeling that we've had this conversation with her before, and told her something like that, and she agreed to it, but it was so long ago, I can't even recall about when this topic came up. I don't want to give her this same wishy washy 'In the future,' or 'One day' thing over and over. It's not fair to her.
So in Hubby's recent post, he's stated that he believes it's too late for her, and he sometimes wants to give her up. I've thought about it and thought about it, and my response is this: For months and years, he has repeatedly told me that as a mother, it's my job to nag her into cleaning things to my satisfaction, to nag her to do better at this, to do that correctly, etc. I don't agree with that and I'll explain why in a little bit, but it's certainly true that as parents, we have a job. I believe this job is: When a child can't believe in themselves, the parent has to believe for them. When a child doubts, the parent has to be adamant. When a child fears, the parents must be brave. Our job right now in her most turbulent years is to believe in her, encourage her, and accept her. If she ends up a prostitute, so be it, I'll find some way to continue to love and support her anyway.
Right now, we have to look at her and not see a failure, but a work in progress. No story is set in stone until you carve it in yourself. I believe she has great potential. She looks around and tries to see what could be improved. She looks at us, and sees the good and bad. As hormone driven, brain-rattled teen, she's gonna spew the bad more than the good. The improvements she wants will come out as complaints right now, and the attitude is gonna drive us crazy, but she's a good kid. She's kind, and loving, and wants to help others enough that it hurts her when she can't. Please don't be blinded by her crazy, by her biomom, or by her barriers. As long as I see hope in her eyes, I will maintain hope in mine. That's my response to it being 'too late' for her. It is never too late to make a change.
In response to the nagging mother statements hubby has made, I already verbally responded to him. This is kind of a 'just so you remember' moment. I believe what I told him boiled down to this: I can nag and whine and bitch and verbally brow beat her into doing things how I want them done. She'll have fits, she'll cry, we'll fight, and we'll make up. But nagging makes me into someone I hate, and I don't want to hate myself. Nagging will get the job done at the cost of self-hate, increased anger between everyone, and long, simmering resentment sometimes. What will we get out of it? A clean house to come home to. But that clean house we want? Together, we can clean the house properly and have everything how we want it in two hours. Why would I go the path of self hate for something we can fix in a few hours of working together? When the house needs to be clean (as it needed to be this weekend), we can do it together. When it doesn't, we'll let her continue to practice cleaning until she gets so proficient at it that I don't have complaints anymore. Just as she's a work in progress, so are we. Let us love and focus on important things, rather than immaterial things such as the level of cleanliness we live in regularly.
....This turned out really long. Sorry?
I think this song applies pretty well to the topic at hand:
This song is pretty hilarious to me, and I like it, but now I know it's JB, I'm a little less amused at it:
I just like this song, period, and it's a pretty recent one:
This song makes me think of MJ sometimes, but I also find myself impressed by the honesty and the emotion in the song. Makes me respect the artist, even as I want to pat him on the back:
This song is so cute and risque at the same time, I love it now. It's also catchy and easy to sing:
My day started at 8 am, getting everyone up and off in the car. We dropped off Hubby, and voom voomed to my massage job for a massage at 9 a.m. We got in about five-ten minutes before 9, got my room set up, dropped kid off in the break room with strict orders to stay there and be quiet, and began my first session. MJ seemed very bored and even disheartened that she basically needed to exist in a small 6 x 6 room for several hours, but there wasn't much else I could do with her. After my first session (very nice athlete, first time working on him), I had a bit of time before the next (20ish minutes) and asked if MJ wanted to help me set my room up (mostly so she could get out of the room for a bit, it would have been faster to change the room by myself to be honest, but I had the time). She agreed with almost worrisome enthusiasm, and I made sure to compliment her when she did something right, and show her how to do something correctly without much caustic annoyance. I felt bad that she lit up so easily over a few easy compliments.
Then I was off to my next session, with my non-English speaking client arriving early. It wasn't until I put hands on him that I remembered him, and the session proceeded fairly smoothly after that, though I never turned him over and stayed on his back the entire session this time and I'm not sure if that's what he wanted, but he doesn't speak enough English for me to ask him, so.... After his session, I invited MJ to my room again, and had her do the things I taught her an hour previously, and showed her a few more things she could help with. She commented that it was like she was an intern, and she seemed delighted about it.
She actually does have potential as a massage therapist, so I think that could be a good compromise for our 'continuing education' option for her. It's a very good skill-set, and will usually mesh VERY well with a student's availability. It'd provide a livable income while she pursues a second job set to supplement it, so I definitely wouldn't be against sending her to massage school.
Then it was back to the small room that was too hot (she and I both were hot in it, but there wasn't anywhere else for her), while I concluded my last session, then rushed off to my next job. The road I normally take to get there was closed off, so I had to a take a longer detour that made me about five minutes late. This job was teaching English to a Japanese family, and she's met the kids before, so it was nice. It was incredibly chaotic, and the mishmash of languages left me a little blindsided, but it was interesting.
There were times I felt indignant that MJ wasn't answering their questions (or even appearing to pay attention), but sometimes that was because it was asked in Japanese and I didn't notice, and sometimes it was just MJ daydreaming or something. I was trying to work out of the work book with H, while HM and T played dominoes with MJ next to us. It was a cacophony of noise and I felt overcrowded, so maybe MJ was feeling that too.
We ended with trying to sing the Star Spangled Banner (H asked me to teach it to her), and then I was rushing off again.
This time we had an appt with her therapists (both at the same time, for the first time). I dropped MJ off at the front and went to park in the parking deck, so she was 10 minutes late, but I was 20 minutes late. Even so, I walked in with her second therapist anyway, so I didn't miss anything. Then the one I walked in with asked me and the other therapist to leave so she could check in privately with MJ. Neither of them told me what was discussed, and I'm just leaving it alone. I don't even want to know, really.
While they were doing that, I spoke with the other therapist about MJ's wish to be adopted. She suggested we give her a positive response, but not a 'Yes, we'll adopt you,' more like a 'How about in X months, if you still want it, we'll pursue it.' On the one hand, I like this approach, and want to suggest when she turns 15 (so a year and a half), if she still wants it we'll do it. Actually, thinking about it, maybe next summer would be best. She could change her name over the summer and start high school as a K instead of an M if that's what she really wants.
On the other hand, I have this niggling feeling that we've had this conversation with her before, and told her something like that, and she agreed to it, but it was so long ago, I can't even recall about when this topic came up. I don't want to give her this same wishy washy 'In the future,' or 'One day' thing over and over. It's not fair to her.
So in Hubby's recent post, he's stated that he believes it's too late for her, and he sometimes wants to give her up. I've thought about it and thought about it, and my response is this: For months and years, he has repeatedly told me that as a mother, it's my job to nag her into cleaning things to my satisfaction, to nag her to do better at this, to do that correctly, etc. I don't agree with that and I'll explain why in a little bit, but it's certainly true that as parents, we have a job. I believe this job is: When a child can't believe in themselves, the parent has to believe for them. When a child doubts, the parent has to be adamant. When a child fears, the parents must be brave. Our job right now in her most turbulent years is to believe in her, encourage her, and accept her. If she ends up a prostitute, so be it, I'll find some way to continue to love and support her anyway.
Right now, we have to look at her and not see a failure, but a work in progress. No story is set in stone until you carve it in yourself. I believe she has great potential. She looks around and tries to see what could be improved. She looks at us, and sees the good and bad. As hormone driven, brain-rattled teen, she's gonna spew the bad more than the good. The improvements she wants will come out as complaints right now, and the attitude is gonna drive us crazy, but she's a good kid. She's kind, and loving, and wants to help others enough that it hurts her when she can't. Please don't be blinded by her crazy, by her biomom, or by her barriers. As long as I see hope in her eyes, I will maintain hope in mine. That's my response to it being 'too late' for her. It is never too late to make a change.
In response to the nagging mother statements hubby has made, I already verbally responded to him. This is kind of a 'just so you remember' moment. I believe what I told him boiled down to this: I can nag and whine and bitch and verbally brow beat her into doing things how I want them done. She'll have fits, she'll cry, we'll fight, and we'll make up. But nagging makes me into someone I hate, and I don't want to hate myself. Nagging will get the job done at the cost of self-hate, increased anger between everyone, and long, simmering resentment sometimes. What will we get out of it? A clean house to come home to. But that clean house we want? Together, we can clean the house properly and have everything how we want it in two hours. Why would I go the path of self hate for something we can fix in a few hours of working together? When the house needs to be clean (as it needed to be this weekend), we can do it together. When it doesn't, we'll let her continue to practice cleaning until she gets so proficient at it that I don't have complaints anymore. Just as she's a work in progress, so are we. Let us love and focus on important things, rather than immaterial things such as the level of cleanliness we live in regularly.
....This turned out really long. Sorry?
I think this song applies pretty well to the topic at hand:
This song is pretty hilarious to me, and I like it, but now I know it's JB, I'm a little less amused at it:
I just like this song, period, and it's a pretty recent one:
This song makes me think of MJ sometimes, but I also find myself impressed by the honesty and the emotion in the song. Makes me respect the artist, even as I want to pat him on the back:
This song is so cute and risque at the same time, I love it now. It's also catchy and easy to sing:
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