Moving moving mooooooving~!

This child is scary as shit. She told her mom 'I want you to read those letters and take every word into your heart' and I was like 'Ohhhhh shiiiiiit'. Okay, and now she just said she likes being a big sister because 'We share the same joy and the same pain. And I like sharing emotions because we're family and we understand each other.' I just..... *shakes head* She is dramatic and ridiculous and I don't even have any idea whether to nurture that or try to temper it.
Arranged to get someone to pick up our extra furniture tomorrow. Ran around getting things together to leave today. First we went to pick up Hubby's bookbag, let MJ say goodbye to her daycare, and got the car inspected. They needed more time to work out why the engine light is on, so Hubby said he'll take it back tomorrow morning. Then we went to County Line BBQ, and the food was good, but not so amazing. Kinda wish we coulda left room for dessert, but the bread was soooo heavy.
After that, I drove us to the Home Depot where we bought a dolly, a padlock (went to see if it fit the trucks, and it did), and some cool forearm straps to carry heavy things with.
After that, we dropped by a thrift shop that just opened, and arranged for them to come pick up our stuff. They were bringing things from San Marcos, so it's a bit out of the way for them to come to our house, but we're within 2 miles of the store, so the lady said it would be fine. At worst we'll dump the couch, and take everything else. But this couch is not going with us.

MJ loves this song:


I am REALLY offended at this song. It's not any better than Blurred Lines, just from the standpoint of a woman taking advantage of a boy instead. It's just as disgusting, and I hate that it's getting popular.


Holy crap. This is Hilary Duff?? I kinda like the blue/gray hair she's got going on, and her body is FABULOUS! Just, wow.

12 days and counting

We're moving on the 29th. It's really sinking in, and I can see the cogs in hubby's head turning and him starting to panic. He looks around and is like 'We're not prepared!!!' and tries to do everything, and get everything ready to go RIGHT NOW.
Now as for me, I'm sitting here going "Whelp, with the size of the truck we've rented, (16 ft) we can take this, and this, and this too. Oh this is gonna be FUN!!''
What we're both panicking about is getting a house set up in advance. It would be the best situation to be able to get a house that we can go directly to, that is under $900 a month, and that our parents can vet for us beforehand, so we're not renting blindly. The other preferences are: A yard, allows cats, in a good school system, with carpeted floors (my preference) or hardwood (Hubby's preference). Besides trying to keep it under a $1000 a month and near Brier Creek, we don't have many requirements. Hubby has a job all set for him in Brier Creek, so that's great. I can find something, for sure. There's a few options I'm keeping an eye on, actually.
I haven't figured out where to mail my license confirmation paper to, so I don't know what the hell I'm going to do to get my license approved. It's driving me crazy. I have an idea or two, but no real plan of action. So frustrating....
On the plus side, our families are doing everything they can to help us out. On the minus side, I had to tell Cin about us moving, and now she's super excited to see us. *rolls eyes* Apparently this weekend is my other niece's birthday. I'm not even sure how old she's turning, but I know MJ is gonna wanna call her. I guess it's fine, I just wish Cin hadn't consulted MJ about it before ME.
MJ and I are preparing for the trip by getting games and music downloaded to my tablet, since her's has broken, and has no real possibility of being fixable. Hubby and I aren't sure if we're going to drive together, or just fix an end point to meet at each day. I'd feel safer if we were together, but I also think we'd get annoyed having to watch out for each other the whole time. We'll prepare for both possibilities and figure it out from there.

I haven't heard from any of the other bloggers (you know who you are) in nearly a month. I'm both worried, and a little upset. I realize life takes priority, and that everyone has things going on that are essential to their livelihood, but a quick ten-minute check-in to reassert that you've thought about me/us/etc. wouldn't be too bad, would it? Yeah, you could say I could always call you if I'm that worried, but I've got a crippling fear of phones. And I *have* messaged you. I feel rejected and abandoned without any responses, and that I'm imposing myself on you, when I don't get an answer. It prevents me from sending further messages, because I hate being thought of as an annoyance. Just.... think about it, ok?

In other news, Hubby has been emailing potential places, and I've been calling them. That's ironic, isn't it? We have a few places set up for my mom to visit tomorrow, and for his parents to possibly visit next week. Hopefully between the two we'll have a place ready for us soon.

I guess that's it.

Exorcising the Ghost

I finally got rid of EVERYTHING dealing with the jerk. Good riddance! I feel like I should feel freer than I do. I don't feel like the shackles are gone yet.

I wrote that over a week ago. Now I can proudly say the shackles are gone, and all I can think about the guy is 'Good riddance'.



This song makes me think of MJ. On the one hand, we ARE a temporary home for her, because she'll eventually grow up and make her own. On the other hand, hopefully we'll be her final 'childhood home'. This reminds me of a bittersweet article I read about becoming a mother. Here's the link (Yes, I looked it up, it's so good): http://www.geekfill.com/2014/06/30/mom-gives-best-explanation-ever-how-life-changes-after-pregnancy-this-is-perfect/
There's a lot of good points in the article, but the one I was actually thinking about was the one that said that you'll wish for more time on this earth, not for yourself, but to watch over your children. I feel that way for sure. I've never valued my life very highly, but I value it more knowing that MJ would be lost without us, and that Hubbikins would be stuck between a rock and a hard place if I weren't here too. I'm not suicidal, but I've never had a strong survival instinct. MJ appears to be the same way. The only solution I can find is to give her things (REALISTIC GOALS) to reach for and achieve. Becoming an idol is too high, because it'll be years and years and she'll lose faith in herself. But something like becoming a good tennis/violin/soccer player is doable because she can check herself against others frequently and see progress. Books were my salvation. I lived to read the next volume, if you know what I mean.
I worry about MJ alot. For the last week or two I've actually been trying to treat her more like a mini-adult, and use manners and lead her in conversations rather than treating her like a child. Apparently that isn't working at all though because she burst out today about how we're so rude and mean to her. *rolls eyes* She just doesn't like being told no, and having things taken away because of misbehavior.

This is Hubby's perspective:

MJ continues to build up her frustrations and then let them out in unproductive ways. Today in particular, she was seriously testing the boundaries. She started off by trying to lie her way out of doing work she knows she is required by us to do every day. When I challenged her on it, she got this disrespectful tone and said "How do you know? You don't spy on me in the back seat." I took out the books from the car and told her to watch her tone. Later on, things seemed to be going fine until she tried to threaten that she wouldn't do her reading because the math and science workout books we have her do are "too much" and that she would compensate for it by basically just skimming over the reading and saying that she completed it when in reality she didn't. Both Runa and I made it clear to her that was not acceptable and that if she really tried to skimp out on the reading, we would give her reading quizzes and such to make sure she did it. Eventually Runa ended it by saying that if she was going to continue to complain about it, then we would increase her page number for math and science from 2 pages each day to 4 pages each day, and that she was complaining about stuff that was taking her an hour at most each day, if that. 

Then, when we got home, she started dragging a bag with her books on the ground, and Runa told her to stop dragging it on the ground. She argued and said that she dropped it. So for the arguing and dragging the bag on the ground (after several warnings and second chances) Runa decided to cancel watching the end of the movie for tonight. Then she started doing it repeatedly on purpose since she thinks that once we remove her reward or whatnot, that she can act however she wants. And I turned around and warned her that if she ever wanted to see the end of the movie, she would stop it immediately. And she made some comment about when did I get so bossy. *rolls eyes* 

And then when she went in the house, she thought it was ok to throw the bag down on the ground. Runa took away the movie for the foreseeable future right then and there. And then she had a meltdown in the kitchen where she said that she was tired of being wrong and always in the wrong. And that everything about her life is wrong, her hair is wrong, etc. So she essentially said that she wants us to let her get away with stuff because she hates feeling like she is in the wrong all the time. She also brought up how she thinks that she has a demon side and that that isn't her and she forgives herself every time she goes to this imaginary world in her heart/mind. And Runa stressed to her that she has to learn to accept the good and bad side of her and control the bad side. She also said she hates her father because of the stuff he supposedly did to her mom and for leaving her at the age of three. Runa sort of minimized it since, while he didn't necessarily do anything for her, she has never met him and it is sort of ridiculous to hate someone based on what someone else has said about him. She made the rather doubtful claim that he has been in jail more than her mother has. She brought up that she was still mad about us taking her too soon because of X/Y/Z. I pretty much said sorry that blah blah happened and made you feel sad, but there was really nothing we could do about when they decided to send you to us. She has attachment issues to her friends in her past. She thinks that she will just keep all the numbers and then call them all up one day and that they will still be close friends. I don't think it's sunk in with her that that is not how normal, run of the mill friends usually turn out.  Usually they just forget you or don't care that much. Because you grow apart. A concept that seems pretty foreign to MJ.

Rules we should prolly go over with her again at the next available opportunity:

Rewards/Going out to places/etc are always based on good behavior. Bad behavior results in loss of privileges no matter what promises or deals are made.

No arguing

No disrespect, in tone or in words. We can provide examples of disrespectful tone if necessary.

Gossip= Negativity in the Workplace

Or at least that's what the owner said today. She said it creates a negative work environment, and that the only things we should be talking about are the current things going on at work or relating to work. To keep personal stories and 'he said/she said's out of conversations at work. To a point, I understand, because it's true that it can help resentment build up, but..... If the treatment was kind and just by everyone, it wouldn't be an issue anyway. The quality of our workplace has really gone down in the last couple of months. It's pretty sad.
She also said they would have to strictly enforce the no gossip, and implied that people could lose their job if they're caught gossiping. If we have a complaint, we need to go to management, and they'll file an anonymous report. BUT she added something scary to that statement: OR NOT, if we feel we need to know who it is. I'm like (O__________O);; So you're reserving the right to know who said what, based on what they say, and not based on harmful content. And we're supposed to complain to the management about everything, rather than test the waters with other workers and see if it's a common problem or one that's only applicable to us?
For example: Tonight, there were literally NO towels in ANY of the THREE Thai rooms when I went to do a thai. It was my first and only thai of the night, but I had to restock all the rooms simply because I was the last one working. I've been having to clean up after my coworkers a ridiculous amount, and it irritates me because it causes me not to get out until 20-30 minutes AFTER closing. So what they're saying is, even though it could cause the workers I work with some serious drama (probation, fired, 'bad' review), I should report them, rather than let off steam by commiserating with another coworker that has the same problem and then letting it go? I mean, it's a recurring problem so I'm close to reporting them anyway, but still: Is the irritation worth possibly causing someone to get fired?
In a related note, and I just incidentally saw this today, I read an interesting quote. It said "A bad manager can take a good staff and destroy it, causing the best employees to flee and the remainder to lose all motivation." I REALLY wanted to comment 'I KNOOOOOW, RIGHT?!' but my manager is fb friends with me and might see it and ask about it, so I kinda don't wanna do that.....

Which brings me to topic two: I'm considering making a 'work' fb with my legal name, and switching my 'work contacts' to that fb account, and changing my current one back to my maiden name + favorite spelling to differentiate them. I want to do this because I feel stifled, like my coworkers could see something on the account and either change their view of me (in a bad way), or question me on something that wasn't intended for work. What do you guys think? Should it be a simple: 'If you don't want your boss to see it, don't post it'? Or is it 'Keep your work life and your private life separate'? I'm conflicted because it feels like lying to make a new account like that, but I also don't want to be stifled in my opinions and beliefs out of fear of losing my job.

I think that's enough heavy topics for the day. Oh wait, here's one more! I like Buzzfeed, to be honest. Here's a nice video from them!


And here's one that ISNT heavy! But still totally interesting!


On a note that I hope doesn't spoil it for you, do you think the make-up all looks a little..... hooker-ish? It's just REALLY strongly there. My favorite is the girl in black (Macy?) though. I like that make-up. It's not TOO strong, but still Pop-y. I wish I could do those 'wings' that well....

MJ safely graduated

though she ended up with a C- in Math again. :( It's frustrating because we definitely worked with her. Her other grades dropped as well, though reading and writing went up. :/ Oh well. Nothing too bad, really. I'm not inclined to make her feel like a failure for not getting straight As, like my mom did to me. It just doesn't seem important.
Damn. I just messed up. I heard that you can get a Schlitterbahn Ticket for 'free' for every 25 dollar donation to Colin's Hope, so I donated 25 as a test, because I didn't see anything about it. Turns out I wasn't on the right page to get that, so I ended up donating 100 dollars instead of the just the necessary 75..... Damnit. I'm so stupid sometimes. Well....yay we have the tickets, I suppose. Hope Hubby doesn't get mad. :/ At least it's going to a good cause.
The good cause is this: Colin's Hope is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization that creates and supports programs that aid in preventing children from drowning. Despite numerous sources for water safety, the number of children who drown per year is staggering. Colin's Hope of saving children from drowning is being achieved through increased water safety awareness and improved standards throughout the community.

There's been some interesting music coming out lately, and I don't really like alot of it, but its certainly new. I *do* like this one, but I don't like this video as much as the original:


So, new things..... Mom wants me to send money to Cin, and she'll mail me a check later. She was supposed to mail me one a month ago, but never did. I'm thinking I'll wait til she says its in the mail.
Speaking of waiting for checks to be mailed, I waited a week and four days, and got no response from the new PA about paying my wages and finally broke down and sent a follow-up message today. I worked for him for a month, and was only paid 1 week of wages, and it wasn't even the most 'expensive' week. It's frustrating because I hate asking for money, but we can't afford to play charity and guilt games. We're moving next month and need every bit we can save. (Yes, I recognize the irony that just a few paragraphs before, I donated $100 to a swimming fund)
MJ graduated in a ceremony last Friday, so she missed the call from her mom. Cin since has called about 6 times, and never when I could actually answer the phone. Hopefully she'll call tomorrow at the 'usual' time.
We got her report card today. It's not great but it's not bad either. Two Cs, and a mixture of As and Bs.
Mmmmm interruption time: If you haven't tried Biscoff, you seriously need to. They're so good and its so easy to forget that they are. Om nom nom.

Can we just call it quits?

I really want to tell the guy I agreed to tutor in Japanese this. I'm just not interested in the stomach twisting, crazy mind-reading-necessary tasks, and I'm very unhappy being pointed to as the 'reason all goes wrong'. I don't think he's a bad guy, but I genuinely don't want to deal with him anymore. And not his 'old' personal assistant either. I feel like she's deriding my every decision. I'm new at this, and I thought I was doing a really good job, especially considering I was dropped into it with no real instruction.
I just want to get it all over with. I tense up every time my inbox records a new message, and my stomach clenches every time I see it's an email from either of them. Most of them are criticisms, and I just end up trying to defend myself. I'm not even gonna get paid for last week's (week four) work because 'he didn't ask for it'. I haven't been paid for week two or three yet, despite repeated appeals for it. And believe me, asking for money is nerve-wracking for me. I really want the confidence to bluntly require it, but I just don't have that aggressiveness. The only reason I've been able to ask for it more than once now is because its over $500 dollars, and that would really help us move.
Oh yeah. We're moving. Back to NC if Hubbykins doesn't get offered something better before then. It's the whole reason I took this job on. I was like 'Ooh, extra money to help us move!' and now I haven't been paid in so long I'm like 'Fuck it. I want the money, but not the recriminations. Just fuck it.' But I'm still holding on because Hubby is super worried about the cost of moving and I want to help as much as I can. >__< I'm not saying I'm not worried, but I do have confidence it'll work out.
I got my NC massage license application in the mail today. So I need to fill it out and send it back pronto so i'll have my license by the time we move back. They require 2 months to process the application.
I was gonna write a lot more, but we need to get to bed. Love you all!

Future Me Letter

I got my letter!


Dear FutureMe, 
I'm only doing this because of peer pressure. I've never seen the point of doing these before, but I think this might be it. So here's what's going on in my life right now: 
Maya's just gone to the vet, where she put the fear of wild creatures into the superior-complex vet. 
I just had my MRI done of my left knee because of ACL. I meet the doctor on Tuesday to discuss my options and plan to desecrate my body. Recovery looks like forever, but from your vantage point, it's sure to seem like a blink of an eye. 
I just lost my job, and though I have an awesome recommendation letter (several, actually), I fear I won't find a job truly suitable to me. 
I worry that I'm going to become too much of a burden for my husband to bear. Logically I know it's bull shit, but emotionally I'm looking for signs of being tired of me. Of course, the only thing he say's he's tired of, is being on top all the time. That's hilarious, so I'm not worried about it too much. 
Other than that, life is pretty good. I love my husband, my life with him, and my cat. Heh. I also love my family, and hope in two years that Cin and the girls and boy will be in a much better place. 
I hope that Kris is finally holding up on her own, and that the babies are all happy and healthy and still love me best. 
I hope my parents are alright, and that we're looking forward to having children now! I should have had the implanon taken out two weeks ago, right? :D Yay no more nasty mood swings and long periods! 
Alright, I'm done. I hope this letter passes muster better than my last future letter did.


I'm a little disappointed with myself here. I'm in nearly the same position, and we already have a kid, but not one from our bodies. Cin and the kids aren't exactly in a 'better' place.
MJ talked with me today about her mom, and how since she came out of Cin's butt, everything about MJ will always be Cin's business. I was angry about it, but pretty simply put it this way: You'll lose things if you make them her business. I said that if she was going to tell her mom we're moving, that we wouldn't move to NC for sure then.
Originally we were talking about MJ and how she not only likes boys, but girls too, and the girls that she's liked and kissed. I was gently warning her not to tell the rest of our family, that they might hurt her feelings. She decided to be dramatic, and said 'I just want my family to know the real me!' I never would have told my Grandma that I was bisexual. Hell, when I told my mom, she cried and said she was scared for my soul!! Which makes me wonder about souls, honestly.

I wrote another letter to myself and tried to make it more gentle than this one. I'll see it in a year or two. I don't remember when I marked it.