So it's finally summer! The season children anticipate, and I dread. With MJ's recent antics, we've decided it would be the height of foolishness to let her mind herself for any extended period of time, which means we're taking turns hauling her to work with us. Today was her first day with me, and it was hectic.
My day started at 8 am, getting everyone up and off in the car. We dropped off Hubby, and voom voomed to my massage job for a massage at 9 a.m. We got in about five-ten minutes before 9, got my room set up, dropped kid off in the break room with strict orders to stay there and be quiet, and began my first session. MJ seemed very bored and even disheartened that she basically needed to exist in a small 6 x 6 room for several hours, but there wasn't much else I could do with her. After my first session (very nice athlete, first time working on him), I had a bit of time before the next (20ish minutes) and asked if MJ wanted to help me set my room up (mostly so she could get out of the room for a bit, it would have been faster to change the room by myself to be honest, but I had the time). She agreed with almost worrisome enthusiasm, and I made sure to compliment her when she did something right, and show her how to do something correctly without much caustic annoyance. I felt bad that she lit up so easily over a few easy compliments.
Then I was off to my next session, with my non-English speaking client arriving early. It wasn't until I put hands on him that I remembered him, and the session proceeded fairly smoothly after that, though I never turned him over and stayed on his back the entire session this time and I'm not sure if that's what he wanted, but he doesn't speak enough English for me to ask him, so.... After his session, I invited MJ to my room again, and had her do the things I taught her an hour previously, and showed her a few more things she could help with. She commented that it was like she was an intern, and she seemed delighted about it.
She actually does have potential as a massage therapist, so I think that could be a good compromise for our 'continuing education' option for her. It's a very good skill-set, and will usually mesh VERY well with a student's availability. It'd provide a livable income while she pursues a second job set to supplement it, so I definitely wouldn't be against sending her to massage school.
Then it was back to the small room that was too hot (she and I both were hot in it, but there wasn't anywhere else for her), while I concluded my last session, then rushed off to my next job. The road I normally take to get there was closed off, so I had to a take a longer detour that made me about five minutes late. This job was teaching English to a Japanese family, and she's met the kids before, so it was nice. It was incredibly chaotic, and the mishmash of languages left me a little blindsided, but it was interesting.
There were times I felt indignant that MJ wasn't answering their questions (or even appearing to pay attention), but sometimes that was because it was asked in Japanese and I didn't notice, and sometimes it was just MJ daydreaming or something. I was trying to work out of the work book with H, while HM and T played dominoes with MJ next to us. It was a cacophony of noise and I felt overcrowded, so maybe MJ was feeling that too.
We ended with trying to sing the Star Spangled Banner (H asked me to teach it to her), and then I was rushing off again.
This time we had an appt with her therapists (both at the same time, for the first time). I dropped MJ off at the front and went to park in the parking deck, so she was 10 minutes late, but I was 20 minutes late. Even so, I walked in with her second therapist anyway, so I didn't miss anything. Then the one I walked in with asked me and the other therapist to leave so she could check in privately with MJ. Neither of them told me what was discussed, and I'm just leaving it alone. I don't even want to know, really.
While they were doing that, I spoke with the other therapist about MJ's wish to be adopted. She suggested we give her a positive response, but not a 'Yes, we'll adopt you,' more like a 'How about in X months, if you still want it, we'll pursue it.' On the one hand, I like this approach, and want to suggest when she turns 15 (so a year and a half), if she still wants it we'll do it. Actually, thinking about it, maybe next summer would be best. She could change her name over the summer and start high school as a K instead of an M if that's what she really wants.
On the other hand, I have this niggling feeling that we've had this conversation with her before, and told her something like that, and she agreed to it, but it was so long ago, I can't even recall about when this topic came up. I don't want to give her this same wishy washy 'In the future,' or 'One day' thing over and over. It's not fair to her.
So in Hubby's recent post, he's stated that he believes it's too late for her, and he sometimes wants to give her up. I've thought about it and thought about it, and my response is this: For months and years, he has repeatedly told me that as a mother, it's my job to nag her into cleaning things to my satisfaction, to nag her to do better at this, to do that correctly, etc. I don't agree with that and I'll explain why in a little bit, but it's certainly true that as parents, we have a job. I believe this job is: When a child can't believe in themselves, the parent has to believe for them. When a child doubts, the parent has to be adamant. When a child fears, the parents must be brave. Our job right now in her most turbulent years is to believe in her, encourage her, and accept her. If she ends up a prostitute, so be it, I'll find some way to continue to love and support her anyway.
Right now, we have to look at her and not see a failure, but a work in progress. No story is set in stone until you carve it in yourself. I believe she has great potential. She looks around and tries to see what could be improved. She looks at us, and sees the good and bad. As hormone driven, brain-rattled teen, she's gonna spew the bad more than the good. The improvements she wants will come out as complaints right now, and the attitude is gonna drive us crazy, but she's a good kid. She's kind, and loving, and wants to help others enough that it hurts her when she can't. Please don't be blinded by her crazy, by her biomom, or by her barriers. As long as I see hope in her eyes, I will maintain hope in mine. That's my response to it being 'too late' for her. It is never too late to make a change.
In response to the nagging mother statements hubby has made, I already verbally responded to him. This is kind of a 'just so you remember' moment. I believe what I told him boiled down to this: I can nag and whine and bitch and verbally brow beat her into doing things how I want them done. She'll have fits, she'll cry, we'll fight, and we'll make up. But nagging makes me into someone I hate, and I don't want to hate myself. Nagging will get the job done at the cost of self-hate, increased anger between everyone, and long, simmering resentment sometimes. What will we get out of it? A clean house to come home to. But that clean house we want? Together, we can clean the house properly and have everything how we want it in two hours. Why would I go the path of self hate for something we can fix in a few hours of working together? When the house needs to be clean (as it needed to be this weekend), we can do it together. When it doesn't, we'll let her continue to practice cleaning until she gets so proficient at it that I don't have complaints anymore. Just as she's a work in progress, so are we. Let us love and focus on important things, rather than immaterial things such as the level of cleanliness we live in regularly.
....This turned out really long. Sorry?
I think this song applies pretty well to the topic at hand:
This song is pretty hilarious to me, and I like it, but now I know it's JB, I'm a little less amused at it:
I just like this song, period, and it's a pretty recent one:
This song makes me think of MJ sometimes, but I also find myself impressed by the honesty and the emotion in the song. Makes me respect the artist, even as I want to pat him on the back:
This song is so cute and risque at the same time, I love it now. It's also catchy and easy to sing:
