Merry Chrismahanikwanzika!

Did I get that right this time?

^_^ Today was.....long. I got a nap, pushed a little girl (in my defense she called me evil and told a baby I was too evil to look upon), made her cry (;__;), played with a baby who adored the gift I got him, watched my sisters fight over the 'freind' I got as a promise for one of them, racked up on gifts and spent hours pampering myself this evening (with the result that I smell, nearly literally, like a bed of flowers, GOT A TOOLKIT (I was ready to stop opening gifts right there. Seriously, I nearly cried I was so happy. Uber excited!), and gift cards to bookstores ($o$), awesome candies and such, a beautiful Japanese doll that I'm STILL wondering where the heck bf got it from, and other things that I don't wanna say are less memorable, but I'm tired of bragging. I'm REALLY tired.
Sleep pattern:
2:00amish-ZZZZZZ
5:45am-PEEEEEE!!!!
6:00am-zzzzzz....
7:15ish-oh goodness....the children are coming! *cries*
12:30ish-Cant....take....any...more....ZZZZZZZZZZZZ
***Weird dreams about restaurants split in half ensues***
3:15ish- FOOD!!!!!!
**Running everyone around, making others cry, etc.**
it's currently 5 am and I have no idea how I'm still awake.
To finish this happy post on a somber note, my sister started bleeding again. Right around the time I woke up sick this morning.... She didn't go to work to ensure that she didn't miscarry for certain, but I'll be honest with ya'll. I think she's already miscarrying it. She's smoked weed and taken heavy pain killers in the last few days, so if she hasn't miscarried, she's prolly damaged the poor babe. At this point, I just want the uncertainty to be over. If she hasn't miscarried it, I'm not certain how she'll provide for herself, her daughter (who had more gifts that I ever thought she would have had), AND a newborn while working all on her own. *sigh* Anyway, I'm gonna collapse now.

Quote of the Day: I just realized I very rarely figure out the perfect way to do something until the exact second after I screw up my first attempt at doing it. Hindsight? 20-F-ing-20

Video. I would like to mention, I spent forty darned minutes looking for a suitable video to match this song. This isn't awesome, but darn it....I'm too tired to search any more!!!!

updates....

-Got to eat with bf today
-woke up (the second time) to bf's voice.
-read some VERY erotic fanfics at like 4-8am today
-Got cool gifts (waiting to open some, didn't wait for others)
-Sat at the hospital from around 3:30-8:15, and they never told us if the baby would live
-Had to hold my sister's pants hostage.....awkward....
-Hunted down a doctor and 'talking him into' seeing my sister
-shared my bounty with my sissie
-May have lost my niece/nephew
-had been clubbing with the detective assigned to my sister....small world...
-said detective and sister did not like each other
-feet hurt...boots are not good for all day....
-showered with my niece....who likes spraying water....and had to care for her hair....which is almost as long as mine....as well as mine....*dies*
-had to get her dressed and her hair brushed out...while in a towel....I'm not that coordinated.....*sigh* we managed
-it's 10 pm, and I'm ready to FALL OUT!

I love you Rozy, and I am SO SORRY I flaked today! Mom is still pissed on your account. She really loves you. I do too. Happy Birthday, and aren't you glad I didn't sing happy birthday off-key for you?

I love you bf, and I'm sorry I had to have ya'll drop me off at the hospital. Thanks to your parents, and you, as I'm sure you helped them pick it out.

I need to get up with you pineapples, if you wanna meet up anytime this break. ;)

Merry Christmas everybody~!

Interesting video:

i dont think i enjoy life any less, just cause i'm looking forward to it ending

And that does not make me suicidal. Let me make that clear here. I am not courting death, doing dangerous things with death in mind, or wishing for death to come and take me. I am waiting for death, but I refuse to idly play with my thumbs in the meanwhile. I am here, therefore I have some purpose or at least something interesting I could be doing. I really do wanna know what death would be like though. Ahhh....I'm really looking forward to it~! How I die doesn't really matter... I just hope it's not long and drawn out over months and months. *shrug* But knowing fate, that's exactly how I'll die. ^///^

Okay, so I'll start by saying, Collegekid's earnest blog post made me think of morality, which led to life-or-death situations. When thinking of these, I thought about how most people would choose to keep their lives over keeping their morality. Personally, I would like to keep my morality more, which led me to thinking of how I do not fear death. I'm too curious to really fear it. Because really. 1. It's inevitable. 2. Everyone does it eventually. 3. Fearing it gives others power over you. 4. There's nothing to be done about your afterlife in this life. Why think/worry/fear it?

Okay, next is something completely irrelevant: The video I MEANT to post last time:


Okay, with that done, lets talk about death and morality!

So I was talking to bf, and he told me some reasons why he fears dying.
"because i dont know what will happen. will it hurt? will it be nothingness? is there really a heaven and hell? is there a God who will judge me, or are my actions arbitrary to the universe? how does it feel to cease to exist? all of these answered questions scare me."

There's nothing to be done about the afterlife, if you don't know what that judge is looking for. Will it hurt? Does it hurt now? If it doesn't hurt now, and you don't really KNOW it's gonna hurt later, why worry about it? If it's nothingness, you yourself will become nothing, and I can't imagine that HURTING, just something like you fading out of consciousness. It doesn't hurt to go to sleep, right? I can't make heaven let me in. And if I go to hell, I'm gonna DESERVE it, ya hear? I judge me, worse than anyone else does. If I can comfort and approve of myself, even to the point of liking myself, what ELSE can I POSSIBLY do? Nothing really, so I may as well live my life like I'm gonna die soon. Which means:
I'll take chances that I want to take. Do what I want to do. Ride that bull, cause I never know if I'm gonna have the opportunity to ride it again. Help others, so that maybe someone will help me. Do what feels right so that I can live with myself. Be who I want to be, so that I won't be ashamed to say my name and look others in the eye. I may look to others for approval, but that doesn't define me. It just fine-tunes who I am so that I can coincide with the people that the most important to me. If I ask someone else about myself, it's because I want their opinion. I want to know if my actions are a hindrance, because some actions aren't worth doing at the expense of losing or annoying someone I care about. It's not being hypocritical. Everyone I ever meet helps to define who I am. I take the mold, I shape it and give it life, but others are the ones that help me put details on my creation. I may give myself eyes, but others put the sparkle there. Others tell me whether I'll like the big pupil or the thin pupil more. (That's all an example, not a literal thing)
These are all my opinions and beliefs, and I would honestly LOVE to discuss them with all of you. Please chime in. Do you think I'm wrong to not believe in a God or Deity that I cannot find proof for? Is it wrong to live only to satisfy myself and those that I care about? Isn't it great to live my life without fearing death or what death will mean?

That reminds me. All of you (I hope) know about my car wreck this past summer. That event, cliche as it sounds, cemented these ideas that had been wandering my mind for years. I really thought I was gonna die. And I was fine with it. I had only one regret. And really, it was more of an "Damn...I looked forward to doing that all this time, and now I never will...talk about unfair..." thing than a serious "Oh, please forgive me for never ____" Thing. It may just be me, but when I thought I would die, all the bad things I feel that I SHOULD be ashamed for didn't run through my mind. I wasn't scared. I was amazed. It was so cool to watch the windshield crack. It was amazing to think that I never had to live another day as me. Yeah, somewhat unflattering, but I wasn't sad to leave my life. I was a little bit worried about leaving everyone behind, but they would all come after me at some point. *shrug* It's not like I would wanna drag anyone else into death with me. I'd hate to be responsible for taking someone's life away prematurely. Because you never know what tomorrow will be like.... I can't honestly tell you tomorrow will be better. No one worth a lick of honesty can. But I can tell you that if you look around every day you'll see an amazing array of new things, new people, new relations, and you'll be glad you looked. Or sad. But those sad times make the happy ones all the better, because then you know how harsh things can be, and you can rejoice that there is still joy to be had. Good things still exist, even in the face of hardship. That just makes them better, that they could bloom in such adversity. I wanna do my part to improve a bad situation or make something good bloom. ^///^ Comments? Questions? Opinions? Thoughts? I'll gladly accept them all.

I swear....hiccups are gonna expel my innards someday.

Okies, so Rozy and Piney have updated. I feel honor-bound to do the same. ^///^ I'll think of a title later.

Questions that Study Abroad is asking me to answer:
1. Why have you chosen to study abroad and what do you hope to gain from the experience? You may wish to discuss how your study abroad experience will fit into your career plans, intellectual/personal growth, and educational goals.

and

2. List three ways that you think life in your country will be similar to life in the U.S. and three ways that you think it will be different. Please elaborate on what led you to these conclusions and how you plan to cope with these similarities and differences when you are studying abroad.

Okies, so first off, my niece is now SIX years old! (I just realized how funny it would be if I misspelled 'six' as 'sex' instead. Awkward...) It was a LONG day! First, I woke up at 2 am so I could shower before I went in to work. Then I went into work. After I got off work, I left straight off from there and drove home, needing to pee and feeling hunger the whole way. Then when I got into town I didn't know where to go first. So I waited for a stoplight so I could dial my mommy's number and ask where I should go. But I didn't catch a stoplight until WALMART which, btw, is like 20 minutes into town towards my place. By that point I figured I'd just go to my sis's place. At least you can count on Walmart to hold up traffic. I got ahold of my mom, who then requested I come to her place and run errands for her until she thinks my sister will be up, but I'm already on my way to my sis's, and I need to PEEEEEEE!!! So I tell her as politely as possible, no. She gets pissy, even when Papa volunteers to do the bidding that she was gonna have me do. *shrug* I have to go, I'm driving. So I get there, and one sissy is awake, (Cin) one sissy is asleep (Chris) and one brudder is awake.

**I interupt my daily rendition of my boring days to bring you this moving email portion. It's not the whole thing, merely the one part that moved me to tears.**

"Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, 'Yes I'll do it if it will save her.' As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a
trembling voice, 'Will I start to die right away?'

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her but he had chosen to save her anyway." -Very touching to me

Okay, back to your regular recounting of my taxi-service exploits:

So, I woke up my sis, told both of them I was starving and we were going to breakfast at Bojangles, and then we were off. I paid for breakfast (cause it was me that insisted we eat) and we ate, with them TRYING and FAILING to rush me. Eventually I said "Look here, I'm driving, and once I get some food in me, I'll be nice, but for right now, shut the fuck up and let me eat my damned food" but I wasn't being mean about it. They laughed and I smiled and we talked some more. It was FREEZING outside. We then went to mom's place where I picked up a gift and scooted out of there since no one was there anymore and I felt awkward about being there with just a sister. Then we went and sis withdrew her pay from her new job (whoot whoot she works!) and we bought Mimi's birthday cake and groceries to feed the children. It was pretty, but small. That's okay though, it just means it'll get gone while it's still fresh and delicious. Then we went to dollar general, bought tons of stuff for both kids but where my card was rejected because my sister tried to use it. I ended up borrowing money from her to pay for my purchases. (With my permission, but I couldn't remember the password, and I felt awkward telling them it anyway) So I then took them to the dollar tree to find what we couldn't at Dollar General. (Yes, we're cheap, but our hearts are in the right place) The tiara just wasn't to be found though, so Mommy had to go on a search for it. Then I called my bank, had to go to the bank and reset my pin and everything, all before taking everyone back to my sister's place and decorating and wrapping gifts for Mimi. After just a little while (I only got to wrap two gifts and put one set of streamers up) I had to go pick up Mimi and drop off her inhalor. Her teacher immediately knew I was Mimi's aunt, so I was a little bit freaked. She didn't ask for ID or anything. Just let me take the little girl. I was kinda like (0.o); You're just gonna give her to me? Do we look that much alike? (Incidentally, I visited the people Cin was staying with, and as soon as I walked in the door, they were like "Daaaaamn, what'd you do to piss Cin off so bad that her daughter came out looking just like your ass?" so I guess we look alike. No one doubts that she's my daughter when we go out together. *shrug* But anyway, I had to buy some time so they could finish getting things ready, and I ask her where she wants to go, and the ONLY place she wants to go is THE PARK. In 40-50 degree weather. That was SHOT DOWN, especially since her sleeve was wet from washing her hands. So I took her to PetSmart, where she could look at the animals. Then I got the call to come back, and we drove back. As soon as we enter the door, (I make her enter first) she has a ton of people singing happy birthday to her, and I never got to see her face. *frown* We didn't have a camera. But she turns and buries her head in my legs immediately after. She's smiling up a storm. Then we lead her over and make her blow out her candles. We give all the kids root beer floats which most of them don't like, but the ones that DO like it, like a LOT, and then we give them cake, after that ice cream, and then whoever wants hot dogs we give them those too. All of them are fine with lining up, which is a little strange to me, but hey, i'm not complaining. So we feed them sweets, then real food, then let them run off and play. The whole time, I'm waiting to catch Mimi, and actually start a nickname that caught on for the day. ^_^ The theme was "Princess" so I titled her "Princess Mimi" and caught on. She played with her freinds and I was happy for her. There was one incident that annoyed me though.
You see, someone gave her these cool gel pens, and she and three other children were using them. Her mom got mad about it and was like "Those are MIMIS! Keep away from them!" but they were just playing with her, because she WANTED them to! In fact, one of them was writing "Happy Birthday" on the paper for Mimi. It makes me SO MAD when a parent gets all righteous over their child's 'rights' and such when the child does NOT CARE! The only one feeling slighted is the parent! When the child says something, or acts imposition-ed, THEN the parent should take action, not before. It's no fun playing with your toys by yourself. I should know....
Anyway, then my mom calls and says how she doesn't want to come get the children, but that Chay is having a friend stay over, and that Mimi is also going to be staying the night at my parent's house, so could I bring them. *shrug* So I do, when Mimi is ready to leave. So once I drop them, I take my cousin Christmas shopping with me, and we stay gone for an hour or two, and when we come back, I get excited and wrap gifts. My cousin also helps. She's totally wrapped around her boyfreind, but she's only 14, and he's 17! I don't wanna think about what he can convince her to do.....V_V But she tells me all about their 'adventures'. Better for her to tell me than for no one to know. That way, when it gets to be serious, maybe she'll listen to my advice and not end up pregnant. Hopefully. *sigh*
Anyway, eventually, I can't stand to be awake any longer, so my niece and I go to bed together (I'm napping and she's sleeping for the night). It takes three tries to get me up, but I get up and drive back to school at 12 am. I end up going 95 at one point, and realize I'm pretty stupid. I didn't get caught, but damn, I could have. Then I get called in to work early because the girl before me ended up sick. *sigh*

After all that, I've taken my last final on Tuesday, then I've had to hang around school due to work. I'm working eight hours straight tonight, and then I'll be driving home. I have two friends staying in my room for the night cause they needed a place to stay. Peeps that graduated in my year will know them.
I've lost my roommate. Again. Damn it. I wonder if I'm gonna get another or if I'll have the room to myself. There's no telling, really. I'll prolly get a new one. *sigh* Oh well.
I'm only missing TJ and Mr. Asshole a present for Christmas.....V_V I don't know. See, Cin told me that Mr. Asshole got me a gift, and that she KNOWS I will love it. I don't know WHAT to do about it. I really don't. I can't not accept it, cause that's just utterly horrible behavior that I cannot condone. I can't accept it and give nothing back, but I honestly don't know what, if anything, I should give him. >.< GEEZ! This is so annoying! AUGH! And I know what I wanna give TJ, but I don't have the money right now. *sigh*
I'm watching a series with bf right now, and I don't know if this'll show, but this character Madara from Natsume Yuujinchou is my favorite. He's beautiful and powerful, and I'm sure bf has other things to say that are similar to me.....grrrr...
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-kWVEdpBSX_q272gmd_2CtvCW58CK8-R9PtGzYQMmMyNvFakrAzF3KvUzaylzOGKAKns5m_pXkIabSQ00JlxHJas_ZauHGNxXMFxYUCS1RaG22LUs07SunIzMS6YOGDywI7fKjBEh3Sd3/s400/Madara.jpg

Also, to Rozy, >.< I was just thinking the other day how I need to get your anime back to you. I'll try to return it over the break! I come home tomorrow, but I'm not certain I even have enough gas to get home, let alone go out after that. As soon as I have gas and time, I'll run over to your place, k? ;x; Til then, I'm afraid I'll have to keep hold of them.....

Hmmm...I seem to be all caught up. Oh, a video. Give me a few minutes. Okay, here's two awesome ones:




BTW, I've been trying to post this post for the last week! Compie finally cooperated.

Why am I most likely to save the world?

I really don't understand the reasoning behind my peers' vote. I am 'Most likely to save the world' and I haven't a clue why. Any light to be shed on that?

Second, Yeah....I haven't updated lately. I'm not even sure what to talk about, its been so long. But I guess....RB and I actually had a semi-normal conversation today. She's sick, I'm tired, so I guess it works out well that way. There's improvement, yay....

Everyone's birthdays are coming up!!! I hope its okay if your gifts are handmade. I'm down to like 15 dollars in my account after getting my car fixed.

Which, btw, looks AWESOME. They washed my car and everything! I was so impressed, I want to send them a thank-you card. I really do. And I rarely ever really do that. Hmmm...speaking of....*wanders off for a bit*

All my classes are done, I've written all my papers, and I now have three total exams to take. I'm interested in studying for the Philosophy and Japanese exams, but my Editing exam is open-book. *smirk* I'll pass that sucker.

Ummmmm....my sissie is pregnant, and she was just in ANOTHER car wreck with my niece. It wasn't their fault, which is a refreshing change, but the horrors she inflicts on my niece are becoming intolerable.

That reminds me... do I use too many 'big words' when I talk and write? I feel like I do, mainly because I get somewhat blank looks before comprehension dawns. On the other hand, I just honestly don't process what people say for a while when they talk with me. I seem to be incapable of it.

It's so cold today! And rainy...so I love it even more. I'm so twisted...*sigh* :D. It's just a part of me, ain't it? ^-^

Hmmm...self-introspection time, I guess...I can't think of anything else:
Me....I'm on my way to being an average adult woman. Do I want that? Do I need high social status to feel accomplished? Will maintaining a job that I can spend as much money as I want to and still not exhaust my paycheck be the marker for accomplishment? What do I need to do to make myself feel accomplished? *frown* I don't know. If I go for a wealthy job that has less interest for me, I feel shallow and unlike myself. Currently there ISNT a job that is what I want in particular, so I have to forge my own path with that one, and it seems like I may never reach a stable job where monetary security is not an issue. And I need monetary security if I'm going to take care of my niece and any children I want to have. And I dooo want kids..... =////=. The real wonder is if I'll be able to care for anyone properly.... Even myself. Its debatable. My family is made up of heavily interdependent people, and I worry that I didn't fall far from the tree. I don't want them to crash down into my life, but I don't want to be separate from them either. Add to it Momma and Papa willed the house to me after their deaths, and the house being incredibly close to everyone else's residences, and *sigh* goodness knows. I don't need a house.... I'd like to make my own. I never asked for their house. *frown* But it feels like that also limits my options. I've narrowed down my options by changing my major, and I may never be able to do anything more than regular jobs. How would that work? Sorry, I know my ranting doesn't make sense all the time cause I can't type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. Heck, I can't even talk fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. I have to listen to music to slow down my thought process so I can concentrate properly without going too fast for me to keep up. I keep biting myself...I need to stop, but I don't want to. Aaaaaand now I'm just randomly staring around the room. I guess I'm done. *frown* Feels really...unlike me. Sorry if the blog isn't very good today. I can't seem to get it working. Love yalls,

~Runa


I don't know if I've put this one up before:


If I have, here's another one: