Guess what I did?

I didn't mean to keep it a secret or anything, but I got my tattoo redone today. I don't really know why I didn't tell a lot of people, but *shrug*.
So this is the before:

 And this is the after:

So today was interesting, at least. We dropped Hubby off at work, and then MJ and I went to Pandera's for breakfast. I asked for raisins and brown sugar/cinnamon with my oatmeal, and the cashier said okay. I figured, they have cinnamon raisin bagels, they have raisins, right? Nope. When they brought it out to me, I went up and asked about the raisins. I'm pretty sure I got the manager, by chance, and she was upset. She offered to refund my purchase, and 'have a talk' with the cashier, but I didn't want the cashier in trouble, so I refused. I ate my (rather sweet) oatmeal, and wished for raisins.

This song is from Big Hero 6 and I LOOOOOVE it. :D


After that, MJ said she was still hungry, so I offered that we could eat when we got to where we were going (a good 40 minute drive). She agreed, and didn't bother me about food until we got there. When we got there (nearly two hours early), we wandered around in the car (It's in the 30s today) looking at houses and stuff. MJ and I LOVE the place. We're seriously talking about moving there. Or near there.

Can you believe this song is TEN years old???


So then we go back to store about an hour or so early (because MJ was hungry again) and stopped in at the Thai place right next to it for food(I saw it when we first drove by) and were SO DISAPPOINTED. I literally ate two bites of my meal, and boxed it up. It was spicy and undercooked. We ended up actually giving it away, it was so bad.

I don't think I've heard this song often, but I certainly agree with what Will says.


So we were rather eager to leave, and ended up at the Tattoo shop 30 minutes early. Then we spent an hour hashing out the tattoo details, and he got booked up for the rest of the day. Finally, he set things up, I approved the changes, and we got started.

This is solely for the irony points:


I should never do this again. I don't really like how blocky he was though. I really REALLY like fade-aways and delicate details, and there is NONE of that left now. So I may end up doing it again, but not without taking a hell of a lot of strong pain pills first. Since MJ was watching, I couldn't cry, but I tried to bargain for less after the first ten minutes. Turns out he'd already done all the outlines so to do less would have been....really bad looking. I got chills, and my legs were shaking embarrassingly strongly. I really wanted to quit, and tensed so much that I nearly lost feeling in my arms. I didn't like it. I don't know why people like it. It's like carving into your skin, and calling it 'pretty'. Comparatively, the outlines were carving deep furrows into your skin (felt like, not really), while the coloring in was tickling and stinging. By the time he was just coloring in, I was laughing, it felt so much better.

I picked this solely for the title, but it looks a little like Star Wars.


This feels a bit like what I want to do, but am not allowed to:


So we paid (I gave a $20 tip, simply cause it was done relatively fast, and he didn't complain about my squirming) and left. I let MJ decide what direction for a while, but she kept saying 'Go that way' or 'Turn here' or 'What about this road' without any identifying details, so I got really frustrated, and she stopped. Then she said she was hungry again, so we tried several places that ended up being closed before we stumbled on a Subway, where MJ had a flatizza, and I had soup. I also bought mucho cookies, for no real reason before we walked over to a Teapioca (Can you say yummy matcha bubble tea?) and played games.

Ooh underboob + Gaga flashbacks.


We played Scrabble, where I fit in some vocabulary and math lessons simultaneously. She didn't enjoy losing. She actually kept up pretty well until I got 'Queen' across two triple points. I got 200+ points from that word alone, so.... Game over, essentially. Then we played one of her favorites 'Giant Spoon' which is frightfully boring with 2 people. So I won both. And we left.



We did other stuff, but it wasn't as interesting. Essentially, shopping, then picking up Reb (We happened to come an hour early, right when he coincidentally got off work due to lack of children), then going to 4 different restaurants to get dinner and finding them all closed or out of chicken (we wanted fried chicken to take home and eat). Finally found one, but they gave us mild AND spicy, and I kept getting the spicy ones. Dinner was interesting, because we all watched Master Chef Junior Edition for the first time. MJ commented on how the guys were cute, or how the food looked good. She behaved fairly well. I wanted some Pumpkin Butter for my biscuits, but we had a hell of a time getting it open. I'd finally bought it tonight, so it took forever.



After dinner, we made MJ start part of her punishment: Writing two pages of 'essays' with a topic we assign (we're covering all the things  she did wrong the other day right now--Oh, she called me a bitch, said she was definitely gonna get pregnant ASAP and then kill the baby in front of me, so that would show me. Why, you ask? Because I made her get her shots, including two that weren't required but highly recommended.). She complained a little too much, so I gave her the fish oil (punishment for cursing) early, causing her to gag and whine, but she eventually stopped, simply because my patience waned and I told her we'd donate a box of her toys (they're ALL gone until she fills an entire composition book of 100 pages with essays. She's writing two pages a day. It'll be a while til she gets them back.) instead of just hold on to them. I was serious too. This whining is getting to be too much.

There's a point to choosing this song, but I'm not explaining. Any ideas?


Finally she finished, then read for a bit, then showered, and finally scrapbooked while she was waiting for the New Year to arrive. I barely made it with the cold (taking money outside and bringing it in to bring money in the whole year). Hubby and I kissed, MJ stared at the fireworks, and I had to start nagging. *sigh* So we argued, MJ got tucked in by Hubby (he usually does it now, since she likes how he does it), and we've returned to our computers. Happy New Year?

MJ has gotten to be a little too comfortable.

By that, I mean she had the audacity to scream at me today. I checked to be sure there were no other cars around (I'd just pulled into our parking lot) and slammed the brakes so we stopped quickly. I then turned around and chewed into her until she was crying more than she has in the last month, combined. Then I parked and shredded her some more. She was VERY mouthy today. In fact, my throat is really painful, simply because I ended up using a very stern voice and occasionally yelled. I've never been one to yell, so just think of the frustration she sent me to in order for my throat to hurt from yelling/sharp tones.
She also decided 'she didn't have a reason to live, so she might as well cut her own throat with a kitchen knife when we got home'. ....Well, I couldn't let that slide, now could I? I'm pretty sure she was lashing out to say the most hurtful things she could, but that doesn't excuse her choice of topic and decision. I steadily dealt blow after blow into that idea until she was crying, apologizing, saying she was so sorry, and she was wrong, and that killing herself was a bad idea. So you don't think that I was being needlessly mean, I told her how she doesn't see or understand the sacrifices people make for her. And how plenty of people would be sad and upset if she died. Also, I confronted her on how we're supposed to tell her little sister she died because she didn't have a reason to live. I asked her how she thought that would effect the littlin. She burst out crying, and said not to mention her sister or mother (cause I went all out and brought up everyone). I told her (essentially) tough shit, she's gonna hear everything. I even explained to her that as she's Christian, committing suicide is usually professed to send you straight to hell.
I find suicide to be a silly thing to do. You never know what will happen tomorrow, so to take a life, even your own, is a very.... offensive thing. And for her to think she can believe shit like that around us, well. She'd better rethink her words, is all I'll say about that. She asked what sacrifices we had made for her, and I told her that frankly, it was none of her business, and she had no right to know. That we were happy to make the sacrifices for her, but that her behavior has been appalling and I expect to see changes.

New topic! She had a cut on her hand, and kept tinkering with it with dirty hands (cause she had the goats today and didn't wash her hands afterward). I asked her if she wanted it to be infected and lose her hand. She had the gall to say yes. She said she didn't need two hands. Well, I took her up on that challenge. She will have her hand wrapped the fuck up in a fist for the next week. She will be unable to use it for anything except blunt force pushing. Good luck with the goats, Missy. She already found that putting on a seat belt, eating, opening doors, carrying bags, using the toilet, and holding a towel are very difficult with only one hand. Even better, she will be using it for her science project if she can come up with a question/hypothesis and experiment that her teacher approves of. No use wasting a good experience, right? To that end, she's keeping a journal of all the things she had difficulty doing without both hands.

I also talked to her teacher today after the meeting about her first teacher leaving (I'll get to that meeting in a bit). We're setting up a homework relay between the teacher and me via MJ so she can no longer say 'I don't have homework' when she does. Her teacher will also make copies of all of MJ's tests, and we will go over every problem she either got wrong or guessed on. Then we will do similar problems until she fully understands the hows and whys. She got a freakin' 47 on her midterms!!! And she's averaging about 60 on all of her tests.

Another thing I found out today: She didn't make GT (which is another reason I think she had that breakdown today). Our neighbors are FUCKING LOUD. I have headphones in. And my music is fairly loud. And I STILL hear their stomping around. That's ridiculous.

Let's see. The meeting about the teachers for the remainder of the year: They're essentially having their K-4th grade support teacher take her test so she can be a 5th grade teacher (she volunteered, it seems, but MJ really doesn't like her, so I'm not too excited). She will then take over the reading/vocabulary portion of the class. She will actually have two support personnel (substitute teachers/special assistants) to help her as she's 'new' to this, but essentially, they're trying to keep the teacher changes minimal and the hiring 'in-house'. MJ's original teacher was being 'unprofessional' and 'disruptive' so they had police escort him off the property the day before his final day (as he'd resigned already because he didn't feel he had the support he needed here). They wouldn't give any more details than that, and I don't really care that much. I mean, he was nice, but I didn't feel that MJ was learning anything. I'm much more concerned about her math, and we're taking steps to improve that, including a tutor starting in January.
Speaking of the tutor, I told her in no-uncertain terms that if she was disrespectful of her tutor, her new boots would be donated the same day I heard the complaint. And she would not get another pair. That got her immediate compliance. We'll see how long it lasts. Honestly, her new boots are hard to put on, so it'd be a relief to not have to deal with it.

We went roller skating on Saturday. I'd like to go back on a common basis, simply because I enjoyed it. Admittedly, I fell and hurt my wrist, so I've had to ice it for the last two days between and after massages, but it was still fun. What I couldn't believe is that we had to threaten to leave before MJ would willingly get on the damn rink. I had to count down to 1 before she got on it, and then she argued 'I'm on it!' and tried to get out of having to move on it. When she started actually trying, and I complimented her, I saw a brief flash of pride and happiness on her face and that made me happy. Until she got cocky and defiant again. Seriously, sometimes I see myself in her, and sometimes I see flashes of the child she used to be, but mostly I see her damn mom's destructive tendencies. I think she's clinging to them as a connection to Cin, but they HAVE to go, or we're going to lose her to something ridiculous like a man's dick.


I felt this song was a good follow-up to my previous post's. It's pretty funny, honestly. I've been watching Bart Baker's parodies. They're pretty good. I like how most of Taylor Swift's parodies call her the devil. Not because I think she is, but because I think it's funny for America's sweetheart to be a devil.

Our darling little princess has outdone herself again.

First, a cute, and oddly accurate list of things twenty-somethings need for Christmas: http://www.literallydarling.com/blog/2014/12/09/what-twenty-somethings-actually-want-for-the-holidays/

And now, on to the show. Today was our princess's birthday. I really wanted it to be nice, because I realize it's her first birthday completely cut off from Nana and the rest of the family. Even in foster care, we all did what we could to get her gifts, call, and see her on her birthday. This year, she got the phone calls, but of course the only ones she got to see was us.
It went very well at first. She was excited about her gifts, and the money she got in all the cards ($42 total-And she'll need it. She doesn't get an allowance until April 6th), but at the end of opening them all, her first question was "That's it? Where's the rest of the presents?" Now, I understand she was asking about the gifts that Nana and co. bought for her, but they haven't mailed those yet, and I can't make them apparate here. But still, she got well over 5 gifts, and subtly criticized EACH one.
I spent a good amount of time looking over each gift, agonizing over prices and finding what would suit her the best. I shopped for hours, and constantly thought of how to make her day better, all to hear her say 'Oh, that's not what I wanted.' or 'Oh, is that all it does?'
On the plus side, I rather expected that. So while it annoyed me, it did not really hurt me. What hurt me was at the end of the meal, when she was admittedly tired and obviously ready for bed, she made the comment "I never have good birthdays anyway. They always suck." I'm paraphrasing here. The gist however, was that. That made me angry. Because EVERYONE in our family has called me, multiple fucking times today and this week, all scrambling to make sure MJ knows we care and love her and miss her and are proud of her. Now if you know me at all, you know I have a crippling dislike of the phone. Add in that I sleep during the most 'popular time' for them to call, and you get a sleep-deprived, annoyed, yet understanding Runa that just got told everyone's efforts were worth shit. My 'give-a-fuck-meter' broke.
I told her that she was responsible for carrying out all of her gifts (which is fair, because I and Hubby were able to carry them individually with no problem, they weren't heavy or even to bulky if she took any care with arranging them, which of course she didn't), and if she left anything, she would lose it.
In the car, I reiterated that gifts are a responsibility, and if we feel she's not ready for it, we will take away the gifts until she is. Some of you may feel it is wrong to take a gift from a child. I feel it's wrong to let a child abuse their privileges. Gifts are just that, gifts, not rights. She said she understood, and her behavior improved while in the car, and then rapidly degenerated when we got home. She ignored my directions multiple times, and eventually I decided to wash my hands of it. Hubby put her to bed and took care of giving her the nightly bedtime rituals.

Believe me, I understand that with children, a strong high (joyful emotions) is inevitably followed by a crash (crying/negative emotions), especially when they get tired. I'm not actually angry. But I am also intolerant of lack of gratitude and lack of being aware of what she's been given. She received money from three families, all of whom are currently struggling financially to make ends meet, and not only did they give her money, they gave her gifts and love. Our child will NOT be raised unaware of the willing sacrifice people make in hopes of pleasing her, and she WILL understand that spitting on people's feelings is wrong. It doesn't matter how bad she feels, she won't be deriding her loved one's attempts to make her happy for long. We'll be having discussions about this and her attitude for the next two weeks, and hopefully we'll see an improvement at Christmas. Goodness knows she needs one.

Well. I LOVE this song because of the beat and the imagery, but this video is, frankly, disturbing. It's like Carry meets Scream meets Mr. Stalker. .....Doesn't mean I dislike it, but I wouldn't let MJ see it. Its a little scary how well Adam Levine does creepy.


Goodnight!

Get me out of here

Is kinda my thoughts when I'm at work, lately. By lately, I mean today. Before my shift, the Head Receptionist pulled me aside and had a talk with me. The essential message being, don't get another bad review. I can understand why both the Head Receptionist and the Head Therapist would want to pull me aside and have that talk with me (I've gotten four or so bad reviews, two verbal, two written), since they've kind of stuck their neck out for me, telling the owner not to fire me, that I'm a good worker, etc. The owner's policy is '3 in a month and you're gone' (and ironically, no one tells us that until we get three) but the Heads both asked her not to fire me. So I've had that talk once. And then I got it again today.
The end result being, each time I put my hands on someone, I kept thinking about what if I wasn't satisfying them, and was this the last client for me, and things like that, until essentially it felt like an axe was hanging over my head, waiting for me to mess up and lose my job.
I think it's interesting that when the topic first came up, A. I was kinda blind-sided, and B. I was resigned to being fired. C. I didn't really care, either. Even now, it's not that I care so much about losing my job as it is that I care about losing the income, and not being able to see the clients that come specially for me. There's only four or so, (I'm egotistical to admit that I expected more 'followers' than four after seven months, but that apparently didn't happen) but I still really like them. Of the four, there's two, possibly three of them that are willing to see other therapists, so it's not really a big deal for the spa.
I talked with my teacher about it, and even though I wasn't trying to make it sound bad, he was rather incensed on my behalf, and told me that a job was a job, and if it wasn't suiting me, I needed to move on and find one that did. That he knows I'm a good therapist, and he respects me, and that I should respect myself enough to not be stuck in a job that isn't serving me well.
I think there's truth to that, but I also think this job is fairly lucrative, and fairly easy, so I'd dislike losing my income over a few people that weren't satisfied. I definitely was getting bored at work, so this could be a good thing, but I'd like the record of having worked somewhere for at least a year. I don't currently have that.
I also keep thinking about why I seem to be so dislikeable. I'm soft-spoken and gentle, I have a good sense of humor, I don't take offense easily, and I forgive easily. So why am I so disliked?

I like this song quite a bit. I think it's quite artful and amusing. The video is kinda sad though.

Short snippet

So the important part: Court happened, and we don't think anything has been changed about our current standing. In 3 more months, they should give legal and physical custody to us, and close out the case. End. If something has changed, we'll let you know.

On yelp, we got a review that I think pertains to me, but since no names are mentioned, it may not. I am, however, the only obese person at my job, period. Their review went like this:

I didn't enjoy my "thai" massage. It was half -assed, and I left still feeling stressed. I told the masseuse, (who was really over-weight) to focus on my shoulders and back because that's where the majority of my stress and knots were, and she barely massaged the areas. I felt uncomfortable with her style, and just wanted it to be over with, (not because she was overweight, but this factor definitely added to it). The mat also smelled like dirty laundry. I think I'll try out a real thai massage place elsewhere.

And my owner's reply went like this:

11/12/2014  We run a tight ship with training and sanitation.  I'm shocked to hear this.  These issues have been reviewed and fixed.  As far as your demeaning comment towards my staff, yes please go find somewhere else for your Thai massage.  We have a very positive atmosphere here and do not wish for bullies to be our clients. 

 Now it's totally possible they caught me on a bad day, and I do remember one memorable massage where I *did* forget the target area, and so I think perhaps it was me. But I don't like that they felt it was 'half-assed' and I really feel hurt that they 'just wanted it to be over with'.... That's not the type of massage I want to do. I think the dirty laundry comment is ridiculous though, because I always replace my towels and such properly, though they may have come at a time when an..... odoriferous client was using the sauna. That's the only really feasible explanation for that. For the bad day possibility: I generally work five days in a row. I had two memorable (not in a good way) weeks when every client in the door wanted the deepest pressure I could give, and I was exhausted by the end of the day each time. If someone came in, and my mind was already 'dead' for lack of a more descriptive phrase, it's possible. 
The one time I *did* forget the target area, I felt bad, but the client also refused to talk to me at all. I am not a mind reader, so if a client feels words to be unnecessary, they're digging their own grave. As I recall though, the client I remember this being about, actually fell asleep, so I don't think that client wrote this review. 

This song is fun. I liked it alot (especially the daydream/nightmare lyric)


Some other songs I've really been liking lately is Love Me Harder


And 'The Heart wants what it Wants'. This song.... I empathize, but I also feel like it's a dangerous song to let MJ listen to too often..... I love the way her voice changes, and the different cadences that blend together to make it such a seductive song.


Hubby recommends this one. I literally laughed my way through it: 


....I think I'm done. This is supposed to be short. 

Our Crybaby Princess

I've been asked to blog more... And this is the first topic I could think of. I honestly can not understand why she cries over everything. She cries over going up stairs. She cries over not getting the food she wants (sometimes). She cries over things we cannot change and cannot help her with. Essentially, she cries. Over things I would never cry over.
So my empathy is fairly low. I mean, sometimes I try to console her, but since that seems make her cry more (give her license to continue this crying indefinitely), I've taken to just silently waiting for her to get over it and be ready to talk.
When she starts spouting venom after crying (as is common), I refuse to engage until she's calmed down enough to be fair. Just as often, when she calms down, she gets really happy and in a good mood. Therefor, she acts bipolar. Considering her mom is bipolar, I think it's a strong possibility. And I just go with it. I still believe that a lot of her crying is helpful for getting her emotions recognized and released, but it doesn't mean it's not frustrating to me.
Also, interestingly enough, her class had a lesson on frustration and how to calm down. They had about six suggestions, one of which was 'take a step back and calm down' but MJ decided she had her own way of handling frustration and chose not to try any of those. She does, however, repeatedly sing the song her teachers taught them 'Stop! Name your emotion and caaalm down!' and it keeps getting stuck in my head. I don't need help naming my emotions, damn it. I know very well when I'm frustrated or angry.
Hmmmm.... Yesterday was the 3 month mark. Pineapples congratulated me on being a mom for three months and it took me by surprise, because I hadn't thought of it like that. But yes, three months of fighting with a child, and sometimes getting too frustrated with a child and sometimes having fun with a child.
I recognize that I haven't been giving MJ as much attention as she probably wants/needs, so that's something for me to work on. It's difficult because I always want to read, not pay attention to people. I may suggest that the family all crawls in bed together and reads their own book, but is still 'together' you know?
It's been a little shocking to look up from my own materials and see both Hubby and Child reading their own books quietly.
I think MJ craves approval. I'm not in the habit of being enthusiastically approving over little things, but if she needs that, I'll try to comply. My mom suggested something like that weeks ago, and I mentally scoffed at cooing to MJ 'Awwww! You brushed your teeth so well! Good job! Awwww, you picked out your clothes without asking! Good job!' but I think I'll start trying it. *sigh* It can't be worse than scolding her all the time. I am actually sick of scolding and arguing and punishing her. Honestly sick of it.
Speaking of sick, our little princess angel sweetie has gotten sick. Most likely strep (it's going around right now), and most likely gave it to me as well. Joy. I'll be taking her to the doctor this week to find out. Except her doctor doesn't have any appointments available online. Hrm. I'll have to call and see when I can bring her in, then. *sigh* And my phone is dying.
I can't think of much else going on right now. Oh, Hubbikins will be taking a trip home in January to see his ailing aunt. He asked my opinion, and it's simply 'Go.' especially since we don't have to pay for the travel. I'll miss him, but it's something that could give him some good closure.
Hmmmm..... I liked this song to start with, but lately it's just been a little annoying. I like the ideas behind it, since there's no silly 'She belongs TO me' nonsense, but I just don't think I like this boy band.



Oh, and this is HILARIOUS and I FULLY understand!!


Teehee?

A small sample of my work

I had to write an email to the owner and the manager of my shop because I had a difficult client on Saturday. I decided that after removing all identifying material, it would make a good blog post. So tell me what you think of it, kay?

Heyla,

I was asked to send an email with details of my session, as a countermeasure to anything he may say. Just a few notes before I try to recall as much as possible: IF he's super sore, he totally asked for 'as much pressure as you can give me.' and I complied. I gave as much pressure as I possibly could, and more pressure than I've ever given to a client before, using elbows and knees and knuckles and tools to try to get him that pressure, but he wasn't satisfied. Another note: If he asks for the person I trained with recently (because he asked about my training, and seemed confused because I was initially trained in house, and then went to a workshop on Wednesday) please just tell him the teacher was Randy C* if he wants to contact him for a massage. That seemed to be what he was edging at. 

So when he laid down (prone, for more backwork), I did compressions upward and then focused on the feet. He said I wasn't giving enough pressure, and that he circled a 10 on the pressure preference chart for a reason. At this point I politely excused myself and got a tool to use, because I'd already been using as much pressure as my hands could comfortably maintain. I ran across C doing the same thing on my way back to the room, and we exchanged nods. I settled back down and began to dig in with the tool, and he commented (half surprised, half derogatory) 'Oh, that's a tool!' like I was cheating by using one. I made a vague comment of 'If it gets the job done...' and continued. He seemed content for a few minutes, before he admitted that 'It's not doing anything for me' so I moved on to Gastroc. and Hamstrings. I used a new move from Randy, putting him in figure 4 and digging in with my forearm and elbow around his sacrum and greater trochanter, before going down the leg with my elbows and fists. 

I moved on to the next leg, this time not bothering to do reflexology on his foot, and digging right into the muscles of his feet, gastroc. and hamstrings as I worked my way up and back down using fists, forearms, and elbows. He asked me to move on to his back, so I complied. 

While working on his back, I dug my knees into his gluteals and balanced on knees and elbows to target his erectors and rhomboids, working up and down the back several times, but not feeling the muscles release. At one point I asked about pressure, and he said 'I told you to give me all you got and I meant it. I need the pressure.' I climbed off and tried to ease into the loosening, but he complained that I wasn't using enough pressure, so I pressed with full body weight on my elbows, working up and down the sides of his body. Eventually, my arms began to hurt, so I switched to going up and down his legs with my knees, bringing his shin up to meet the resistance of my knee, and repeating on the other side. Deciding to at least try it, I lightly pressed my knees into his QL, adding pressure when he didn't complain, and then using my knees one at a time (to maintain balance and power) going up and down his back, but felt no change in muscle tissue, so desisted.

After I did all I could with my knees, I stood and used my heels and toes to dig into the shoulders, erectors, QL, Lat Dorsi, glutes, hams, and gastroc, to name a few of my targets. When I was beginning to work on the gastroc., he asked me to come back to his back, that it needed the most work, so I came back up and worked down the other side, this time stopping at the glutes. 

I turned him on his side and dug my heels and toes into his glutes, QL and rhomboids (both sides) before having him lay on his back. I thought some good stretching might help him, but even in stretching, he needed extreme measures. 

I mainly worked on his legs with stretching, though I began with another stretch from Randy's workshop, sustained pulling stretch of the arm, targeting the rotator cuff muscles and the Latissimus Dorsi. I followed that stretch with the traditional Hamstring, Glute, and Hip Opening stretches, but had to stand and balance his foot on my thigh to give enough pressure (essentially a mini-lunge). On the TFL/Gluteus Maximus stretch, I had to anchor his hip with my knee, and reach across his body and put a large amount of my weight on his shoulder to give him the stretch he wanted. I then incorporated another new stretch of the adductors by keep his leg straight, pulling it lateral from his body, and then tilting the foot downward for a good stretch. I repeated on the other side, and sat him up. 

During stretches he asked about why I entered massage (My family is largely supportive of massage, and being away, I missed it), where I learned my Thai (They taught us in-house), and when I got training (Oh, Actually, I just went to a workshop this week, by Randy C*. I learned a lot!). I can see how he was confused about the training thing, based on the conversation flow. 

When I sat him up, I used my elbow to dig into his traps, rhomboids, and erectors (slightly) while holding his hand for sustained pressure and easy access to the muscles (another new treat from Randy). He was unimpressed, so I leant his head forward and stretched his neck with my fingers (Randy's trick again).

I asked if I could get him some tea or water, but he refused, put on his shoes, and walked right out. I shrugged it off and cleaned up. I did everything I possibly could have to satisfy him, so any dissatisfaction he feels is likely from his own issues, not anything I did. It was quite a nice challenge, but today I felt my pressure gauge was a little off (I used a bit much accidentally), so it's not the type of massage I want to do more than once every 6 months or so, you know? 

I hope this report is detailed enough. If you need to ask clarifying questions, I'd be happy to answer. Thank you!

I have over 11,500 page views

but lets be honest, half of those were probably me. ;)

So, lots of incredible (both good and bad) things have been happening lately. I contacted social worker with recent changes, including MJ's lack of all medicine except allergy stuff (which we will also be testing to see if its necessary eventually), and her new boyfriend. Ms. B's response was so unexpectedly strong that hubby and I were shocked and a little offended.
She felt that with MJ's oversexualization, a boyfriend is beyond the pail, but didn't account for our overprotectiveness (which I corrected in the next email). She also felt that any medicinal changes should be thoroughly tested before being carried out, but later decided that if the pediatrician thought it best, and the school had no problems with MJ, then it was fine, but she still needed documentation.
She asked our opinion on contact between MJ and her mother, and though I was very conflicted, Hubby said 'We have to say what's best for MJ,' and we voted against it. Honestly, MJ has reacted so badly to her mother's name and her mother as a subject at all, that we just avoid talking about her except in the past tense, like 'when I was a little girl, your mom ______'. She likes those stories, but if her mom did something bad, she feels compelled to defend her mother's actions, despite it being completely unrelated to her. It's a serious concern, her aggressive yet obsessive feelings towards her mother.
Speaking of mothers, MJ informed me an hour ago that she is going to start calling me 'Mom' and Hubby 'Dad'. I think she was expecting an exuberant response, but I kept it neutral, and said 'If that's what you want to do' because of a bombshell Ms. B dropped.
Turns out, parental rights have NOT been terminated. Which means we can't adopt her until they have been, or until the parents sign releases agreeing to allow it (I seriously doubt Cin would be willing to). While they don't seem to be aiming to reunite MJ with her mother, it makes me worried, especially since they seem so reluctant to grant us custody. I sent a follow-up asking how we could ask for custody and what we would need to do to gain it. I was under the impression that if we continued to get along with MJ, that custody would come with time, but maybe I was fooling myself.
Which all kind of comes to this: MJ totally expects us to adopt her. She's looking  forward to it, and talks all the time about 'when you adopt me'. We haven't pushed it on her, and we don't constantly talk to her about it, because we want her to feel loved whether she's legally ours or not, but damn it, I think we both were expecting to make her ours eventually. So this was a heavy blow to me. Hubby is still confident that Cin will do something to mess things up for herself, giving us access to littlin', but I'm not so sure. I think we could easily light a fire under Sissie, and she could make some rapid-fire changes that will fuck up our hopes. Hubby doesn't want me to mention our response about contact to Cin until court either, so that her lawyer won't be prepared to combat it. I feel like that's underhanded and wrong, but possibly necessary to keep this from becoming a tug of war for MJ.

Ahem. Less serious topics:


I like that song alot. The beat and the voice are both things I like.
For Halloween, I decided days ago that I would be a fallen angel and MJ was supposed to be a bumblebee, but her costume was a little big on her. So today, she needed a quick costume for her daycare and we picked one up at the Walgreens right next to work. She ended up picking out a 'Dark Angel' so she could match with me (since I'm also an angel). I kept looking at a devil costume that I couldn't help thinking would be adorable on Hubby. MJ was very against it at first, until I came up with this scenario: But you see MJ, if I'm a fallen angel, and Hubby is a devil, then you being born a dark angel makes sense! You'd be our offspring!.... And then whoooo boy she was completely on board. So we picked up the costume later tonight after garnering Hubby's agreement. She was very excited to be our child.
In fact, she role-played it, and I played along (because it was an easy role play for me) calling us Mom and Dad, and 'trying on Daddy's horns' and 'playing with Mommy's halo' and stuff. It was totally adorable. I'm gonna have to take pics of Halloween at this rate....



MJ thinks that song represents her. I think she could be right. :) It all depends on her.
Her boyfriend is cute. He's all awkward and at the stage of just beginning to notice females, and seems totally sweet. I hope neither of them hurts the other. They call each other almost every day (on my phone, damn it).

MJ has a 3 day 2 night trip to a Camp for school this week, from Monday to Wednesday. We're nervous, but also excited for a little alone time. We have lots of plans for movies...

MJ and I went garage saling today. I bought four lovely little storage stackers for $2 (altogether) from an older, gossipy, yet sweet lady near my job. MJ traded the skirt she was wearing for a dress the woman was selling (it was weird, but I've done weirder stuff and MJ wanted the dress more than her skirt, so it was okay). We also got a brand new velvet coloring poster of a house in a tree for 25 cents. It was a good day.

We all had dinner together at a mongolian grill, but it wasn't the best place. I didnt like the way they cut up their veggies, but the quality of the food was quite good. Poor MJ got jalapenos thinking they were okra, and found it difficult to eat her food. My food was delicious. Hubbys seemed good, but a little spicy cause he also got those spicy things.

AFterward, we dropped MJ off at daycare again (she was begging for it) and went back to the haunted house we had to leave before because of MJ. This time we were able to go in the slaughterhouse, and it was really fun. I finished (leading) our first run through in 6 minutes. Unfortunately (for Hubby) it was at the cost of him getting shot in the butt with blood. I thought it was hilarious and litterally bent over laughing. Our second run through (we could go twice) I forced Hubby to lead the whole time and we purposely went the wrong ways to see what they had. The zombies were very touchy feely (not in a bad way) and essentially covered us in goop and blood. It was very fun.

After we got out, Hubby really wanted a shower, but I really wanted to go to a store to see people's reactions. We went to Walmart, where Hubby commented about us becoming one of those pictures in the 'only at Walmart' articles. People looked thoroughly freaked out in some cases, and just stared in others. I just smiled and talked sweetly (which made Hubby laugh all the harder) and pretended nothing was wrong with either of us.
Then we stopped at McDonalds, because I'd gotten hungry again. Some younger african american boys stared at us, and started asking what happened, where we went, did we do paintball, etc. I answered them, but Hubby kept saying it was probably sold out, so I gave up my advertising stint.
Then, despite Hubby's protests, we went to pick up MJ from day care (at 11 pm) still covered in gore. Her reaction was awesome. She frantically tried to avoid touching us, and started getting out of hand with her comments. Eventually I threatened not to let her call her bf tomorrow, and she immediately stopped her antics. It was a little scary.

And now I'm too tired to write much more. I can't think of another song that came out recently that I want to share, so I'll post this medium-interesting one. Goodnight!

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Let's start with Monday of last week. I was getting in my car after a very nice tutoring session with my student, and I konked my head. Really, really hard. I was dizzy, I got sleepy, and I felt totally disoriented. Remember, I'm getting in my car. So that's how I drove. I was SO relieved to give the wheel to hubby when we got to his job. I had a few close calls on the way there, and got distracted/forgot what I was doing quite a few times. It's a lucky thing the way there is essentially one right turn, one left turn, and one right turn, or I'm sure I would have gotten lost. Of course, even Hubby is hearing this for the first time, because I didn't really care when it happened, and it's only looking back that I can recognize it was a dangerous!Runa.
We're pretty sure it was a concussion. Surprise! You can get a concussion from any type of head-hitting, not just head on collision stuff (like I'd assumed). I'm still suffering effects like getting super dizzy whenever I'm sleepy, sleeping a little too much, being disoriented at random times, etc.
From Monday until Friday (the next incident) I suffered from bumping my toes, knees, ankles, shins, and hands on random things. I'm not usually THAT clumsy, so perhaps that too can be blamed on the concussion.
On Friday, they tried out a new floor cleaner at work. Lucky me, I got to slip right off of it and fall. I hit my left wrist and my left hip pretty badly. Badly enough that I went into shock afterward, and after my first client, I asked to leave. My owner allowed it, and even suggested a chiropractor (I've been looking for one for months). Hm. By owner, i mean the owner of the business i work at, not the person that owns me. That person is only Runa and Hubby, and Hubby only owns what Runa lets him own, like her heart. And apparently part of her brain, because she never really stops thinking of him.
Anyway, the owner immediately threw away the new floor cleaner, and I went to pick up the littlin' and see the chiropractor. It's funny how impressed they were with how quiet she was. We have discovered that letting her read books is the quickest and easiest way to get her to behave. It really reminds me of myself, which worries me a little, because I was definitely reading books above my level far too soon. She seems happy to let me set her limits though, since she knows I've read all the books she's reading, and know best what would be safe for her.
The chiropractor took a look, asked a few questions, popped me all kinds of ways and sent me on my way. It really is impressive how quickly you're seen and how soon you're out the door. My wrist no longer made me whimper, and my hip stopped hurting for the day.
Then we picked up Hubby, and went to eat at a steakhouse, I think. Because MJ wanted to go, and she'd been really good, so we felt like indulging her.
The next day, I was texted at like 8, asked if I wanted to work today, and how my wrist felt. I said I'd rather not work, but they could put me on call and I would hang around the area in case they needed me. Thankfully, business was slow (sorta surprising for a Saturday) so they eventually called to let me know that I wasn't needed, to heal up for work tomorrow. So I did. MJ and I went to Goodwill, bought some make-up for halloween (I got glow paint so I could always see MJ's face), then went and got the car thoroughly cleaned. It didn't take too long, and they did a decent job (I would have done better for the price though. You should remember I've been a car washer before, so I know how to do it properly, and they were fairly sloppy) considering we had a groupon that made it really cheap for us. I let MJ tip them, and we were off to pick up Hubby for lunch. We ate at a Chicken place that wasn't very good. Then we took Hubby back to work. I think from there MJ and I went to the library, got a lot of books, came home, MJ did the chores she didn't have time for earlier this week, and we went to pick up her friend (whose mom requested we take her, because she needed to work, and didn't have anyone else).
Intermission: This is an interesting song/idea. 'Angel with a shotgun' and no, it isn't country. :P

When we picked up Hubby, we set out to go to a cool Orchestra in the Air thing where an orchestra played popular (old) movies with clips from movies made by a Media group of college students. Then they were going to show Shrek, but the girls didn't want to watch.... either. They were blatantly talking loudly, kept calling back to us (we didn't sit together because there wasn't space) how they didn't want to be there, etc. So after the orchestra performance, and before the Shrek movie, we made them get up, put everything away, and went home. While walking back to the car, MJ was talking about how this boy that keeps messing with her doesn't know what he's messing with, that she's a demon child, a devil woman, etc. I listened for a few minutes, noting all the parents around and their slightly incredulous looks and silently agreeing with them, before I had enough and called back 'You may be a demon child, but you're certainly not a woman.' and MJ stopped her diatribe. Apparently Ally was very scared of me after that, because she asked MJ to ask me to turn the music up, and stuff like that. My anger was all the damage that day.
Anyway, I'm gonna do a time skip, since I don't remember any other major issues. Today, picking up MJ from school, her teacher pulled me aside and told me Ally told her mom a lot of things out of context (I'm saying it was out of context based on what MJ later told me) and her mom took offense. Basically, Ally convinced MJ to put her name on a paper they did together, and Ally put her name on MJ's. It doesn't really matter, since it was an assignment they did together. MJ also allowed Ally to put her name on MJ's homework (Ally didn't do hers, according to MJ) on the condition that Ally wouldn't tell anyone. So MJ is feeling incredibly betrayed that Ally broke that promise. The teacher therefore decided to separate the girls from each other. He wanted to relay the situation as he understood it, and wanted to understand. He really talks too much to understand a lot, if you ask me. I told him about a few incidents where MJ wanted to copy off of Ally because Ally was allowed to use a calculator, but that I'd already nipped that in the bud. He said it didn't make academic sense for Ally's mom to be upset they were switching papers, since MJ's grades are a lot better than Ally's are.
MJ said tomorrow is technology day, and she wants to take her tablet, but like I told her days ago, with no paper saying so, she wasn't going to take her tablet to school. She burst out crying, and I still wouldn't budge. Eventually the tears dried, and recriminations started. She said parents are supposed to not want to hear their children cry, and I needed to learn that. I turned to her and laughed. And said 'It's all in your head that parents don't like their kids crying.' She quickly gave up on using tears to sway me. Instead, she kept running away from me because I disagreed with her. So I left our front door locked, and talked to her outside it, where she couldn't escape. Eventually she calmed down, and we talked about a few misconceptions she has. Mainly her idea of having a house=rich.
When we got in, she had a whole other meltdown. Because she didn't finish her lunch, that made it her snack. But she didn't want the noodles from last nights dinner (yet another thing I had to talk to her about, not that it did much good. She's very convinced that as a kid, she doesn't have to be conscientious), heated up or otherwise. I told her it was fine to throw them away, but she'd get nothing else until dinner. She yelled out 'HERE!' trying to give them to me, and I simply looked at her and said 'No.' So she got up, brought them to me, and slammed them on the counter. I lost my temper a little, and asked her what in the world made her think it was alright to demand things of me, and then slam things on the door (i meant counter, but my words get jumbled when i'm angry), and she said 'That's not a door!' and I said that wasn't the point. What made her think it was ok? and (in my temper) I slammed the container down like she had, but a little harder. She flinched and ran away to her room and shut her door. I opened it and started to take things that she could play with out of the room. She was ranting at me while doing the chores I told her to do, saying things like 'You can't understand what I've been through!' and stuff like that. I shut her door for her, and went back to what I was doing. I listened a little, but mostly did my own thing.
When she came out, she said 'Runa, you make THINK you understand, but you don't know anything about what I'm going through.' and I looked at her. My reply was 'How can I understand if you don't tell me?' and the floodgates started at that. She told me all about Ally, and how she felt so betrayed, and that she wasn't her bff anymore, and they weren't allowed to be together, and how she never wants Ally to come over ever again. I just listened quietly before walking over and hugging her. After her tears fell on my arms, I went for a few tissues and handed them over. Then, feeling how hot her head was getting (and personally, it always calms me down to get my hair brushed), I went to get her brush and kept asking her 'What else?' and 'Tell me about _____' until there wasn't anything else for her to say.
In a side note, Tenshi decided to be nice and apologize to MJ for the mean things he said. He explained that he doesn't want another girl to like him when he already has a girlfriend. I asked if she was gonna like him, and she said only as a friend. I don't really believe that's going to last, but I don't mind letting her try.
After she'd ranted her fill, and tried once more to get the tablet for school tomorrow (and failed. Tears aren't gonna sway me), I asked what she wanted me to do with the noodles. I ended up throwing them out, and she ate the peaches she'd had leftover from lunch. She says she doesn't like peaches, and was jealous of the apple I was eating. Personally, I feel like they're interchangeable.
So that was kinda the last week and half for me. There's a few details missing, like how Texas CPS finally got in touch with us, and came the same day, and closeted themselves off with MJ for a while before leaving. Or how we missed her Therapy on Tuesday because it slipped my mind (and I was exhausted). Or how Momma called to tell me what she got MJ for Christmas (voice-locked diary with invisible ink, damnit. We won't be able to get into it....) and see how things were going. Or how MJ's mom called last night but I couldn't call back because MJ would hear, and if I left, she would likely go into a panic (did I ever tell you guys about her freak-out when we went to put the laundry in the wash last week? It was spectacular, and not something I wanna experience again, heartwarming though it was).
Today, I have decided to be happy. Her meltdowns, the traffic, my errands and chores, they will NOT stop me from being happy. That's my decision and I'm sticking to it.

So she has a boyfriend....

And had him since the first or second week of school, before breaking up because she thought Tenshi was hotter, and getting back together with him after she realized Tenshi's a jerkwad. She decided to tell us about her little bf today. I'm unimpressed with how long she kept it from us, and happy she chose a boy based on his humor, and not his face.
She's also utterly in love with the series Cardcaptor Sakura, and wishes she was Sakura. While I clearly remember feeling similar when I was younger, I also am fairly sure I didn't chatter on and on and on about it like she has been.
She also has strong tastes in furniture, so it's not my fault if I pick out ugly things deliberately to mess with her. She's practically begging for it. Also, she bought herself a little locker. By little, I mean about 8 in x 4 in x 4in. For her 'secrets'. I honestly have no clue. But damn if I'm not checking on that locker periodically.
MJ and I will be watching Sailor Moon together (the new series that just came out) because she wants to watch/read it. And because I also want to watch it.

Ahem. Now onto less pleasant matters.

I am honestly sick and tired of being told that I act like I'm better than everyone else, that I talk like I'm above them, that I'm stuck up, etc.
I don't feel that way. When I speak confidently, it's because it's something I've learned, and I always think others want to learn too. Obviously that is wrong to believe at times, or at least it is according to my experience. Or obviously I'm not respectable enough that people want to hear knowledge from me. I'm not sure which, and honestly don't care very much.
I do care that I get that same complaint so often, because if I get it so much, it might be true. I don't really see HOW it's true, but it certainly can be. I don't believe in one person being better than another, but apparently I might project that idea that I actively disbelieve. Or people might be too insecure. That's what my mom always said, anyway.
I'm having an issue with a coworker that really does seem to have a time management problem, though she swears she doesn't, and that it's her time to do with as she pleases anyway, and shouldn't affect me. So she wants me to butt out of her business, except that it's affecting me far more often than she seems to believe.
I think, if I didn't have Hubby and MJ, this situation would be like a mini-crisis to me, but because I have a life, and a rather busy one at that, it's honestly taking like, 10% of my attention. I don't really care, as long as we can still work moderately well together. By moderately, I mean 'stop making me late for stuff, woman!' and 'I want to be able to talk too!' and that's..... essentially my entire complaint. She steamrolls over every attempt I make to talk, or be part of a conversation, even one when it's just the two of us. Seriously, she's so unproductive with her words! She takes ten sentences to convey a one-sentence idea! As the black lady meme goes 'Aint nobody got time for that!'
*shakes head* Honestly, on my end, that's about it. I don't really care about her, or her problems, so long as she stops interfering with my timing. I really honestly HATE having my timing screwed with.

Oh, hey, guess what? In the last month, I have redeveloped sciatica (I didn't know what it was when I had it before, but now I know!), and have developed tendonitis in my gastrocnemius tendons! Both of these things are bad, btw, I'm just excited that I know what they are and not writhing in pain without knowing why. I also found a great massage therapist in the making whom I truly wish to barter with when he gets his license.

Something that truly confuses me, is just how flaky most of the massage therapists I've met are. I mean, they are conscientious, kind people that just blow you off if you're not a paying customer! And really, if you're bartering a service that you both badly need, you would think you wouldn't flake on that, even if you're not reaping a monetary reward. For someone like me, who always keeps her promises, it's an affront to be cancelled on not once, not twice, but three or more times! After the third time (Second if I'm not totally enamored of them), I just give up. Let them come to me. And they rarely do, so apparently I'm not very important. It's very frustrating.

And so I end my post, super frustrated (in oh so many ways)! Goodnight my dears!

This is interesting... Cute kids, interesting message.

So it turns out....

Our appointment wasn't canceled, but no one told us that, so we missed it. Thankfully, when I called later that morning, they were able to get her in today, but that meant we had to leave Hubby at his work for an extra.....3 hours. At least one hour of that was traffic. I utterly detest and loathe this city. The traffic, the heat, the noise, the bad neighbors, the dangerous situations and the general feeling of being cramped and bogged down just bothers the shit out of me. 

Anyway, poor Hubby was left all by his lonesome, while I was stuck with a bored MJ that didn't want to do her homework properly, so I made her go above and beyond what was asked of her. 

I have a fun situation at home. I think Hubby resents MJ for taking me away from him and making our home life somewhat crazy. Meanwhile, I think MJ resents Hubby for taking me away from her, and making me pay attention to more than just her. So they both tend to ignore each other, act cautiously around each other, or have simple, gentle, impersonal interactions that leave me feeling like an outsider because I'm so intimate with the two of them, and to have them so impersonal with each other is alienating. 

The Pediatrician's office is super interesting. It's in the exact same place where I had surgery and physical therapy. And the office has all sorts of cool things that kids should like, but since it was designed by an adult (I'm not sure why it's so obvious to me, but it is) the kids are only moderately interested. MJ decided it was the perfect time to ask me tons of questions while I was trying to answer the receptionist/nurse/doctor. 

MJ has decided that now that she's learning sign language (one of her classmates is deaf), that I should obviously know it too, and she's been mouthing stuff to me like i would understand that. It frustrates me and makes me want to mouth nonsense back to watch the confusion spread.

Augh. Everytime I rub my eyes with my hands, my eyes start itching and watering. I guess I need another shower.... Hmph.

I'm tired, and have been for days. (TMI WARNING) I've been on my period for a really long time now. At least a week, and it's draining (haha....terrible pun, sorry) me dry. Interestingly enough, almost all the females at my job have synchronized their periods now. Someone read up on it, and said that sharing clothing hastens the process. So if you don't wanna synch with someone, don't share your clothing!! 

I wanna start doing yoga or something. I've begun developing tendonitis in my quad muscles (near the knees) and it's nearly debilitating. I have also somehow gotten Sciatica in my left lowerback/butt/hamstrings. Damnit. I don't want these things!! Interestingly enough, when Hubby rubs my butt, he eases the Sciatica pain. 

I'm really bothered that none of my clients have ever written a yelp review about me. On the one hand, half of the reviews for one coworker are bad, but on the other, one coworker has a shit ton of reviews, and always gets booked more. I would like to be recommended by my clients, but I'm way too shy to be like 'hey, if you liked this, you should yelp about it.' I think that takes away from the overall experience. I suppose I'll suck it up and ask sometime though. 

I've made appointments for MJ to have therapy next week, and an eye check on Thursday. There was some miscommunication with the therapist, but I'm very excited to have MJ meet her and have someone to discuss her issues with. I really like this therapist, and feel that she will be very helpful. 

We still have to find a psychiatrist to take MJ to so we can find out if she can be eased off of one of her more harmful medications or if she really needs it to maintain her mood stability. I don't think it doesn't enough, since she's has asked me for a mood ring 'so she can know what she's feeling'. I have one, and will give it to her when I feel she has earned it, but I really think there's an issue that keeps cropping up.

She doesn't earn anything. Like, she isn't exceptionally bad, and she isn't purposely mean to us, but she also doesn't seem to want to cooperate with our family very much, and says that 'we don't want her to be herself'. There may be some truth to that, so I'm hesitant to say anything back to her about it. I mean, we really don't want her to act out, or say mean things, or do stupid shit like punch the ground. But I'm also hesitant to agree that those things make up who she is. I might ask her to draw herself as she sees herself, and write a big list of what makes her .....her. I’m really unsure how to go about helping her shape her self-image, but I think she needs it.

Another thing worth mentioning is that she’s seriously beginning to doubt the Christianity hype. She said before she came to live with me, she believed and said (quite adamantly) that she hated anyone that wasn’t Christian. Now that she knows me, and knows that I’m a good person, despite not being Christian (rolls eyes) she’s had to amend her thinking to ‘I hate people that aren’t Christian and do really bad things like rape and hurt people’. I asked her ‘So you don’t hate Christians that hurt and rape people?’ and she said ‘No. Because I know that they’ll ask God for forgiveness, and he’ll forgive them, so I don’t hate them.’ And I had to ask…. ‘So you’ll forgive them because you think God will?’ and she said ‘Yes.’ This way of thinking is so very foreign to me that I couldn’t find a good response, so I simply said ‘I can’t agree with your belief. I think it’s wrong.’ And she said ‘Well, maybe I’ll change.’ And I said ‘I can only hope so. But it’s your belief and I can’t make you change that.’

The things this kid believes and says sometimes just defies reality to such an extent that I’m lost. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. 

Finally, some progress!

This is gonna be short, as I want to get back to bed. I just got MJ off to school, and even I have to admit she looks super cute. I took lots of pictures, but won't post them here. Skype/email me if you want some, you know who you are.
First order of business: MJ's mom gets out of jail today. I think they're saying that it's time served. She's planning to go into a halfway house, and start a program to be a nurse (person that draws blood), while working part time somewhere. I'm not sure how she's going to keep on her medicines once she's out, but I hope it works out for her. My issue is that I'm worried she's gonna lose it, and come here, and make us have to be mean. She's not allowed to leave the state of NC, but she might do it anyway, since she 'doesn't have anything to lose'. My other issue, is that now I don't have any way to contact her. :( And my family is not helping matters. She was in for 7 months, and not once did someone come to visit her. To me, that's shameful. But we did all send some money, so maybe that makes up for it? I dont think it does, but its their choice to do so or not.
Second order: She finally got her medicaid card!!! First thing I did was take the earliest pediatrician's appointment I could, which is Monday at 8:30, so she's going to be missing some school. After I filled out all of the paperwork I could, and turned it in online (yay not having to do it in the office!), I shot an email off to the therapist I've been wanting to get her into since before she came here.
She emailed me back way early in the morning, letting me know that she doesn't have any after school availability, but if we don't mind during school, that she has a Tuesday at 8:30 available. I'm just thanking my stars that the only appointments available don't overlap. I would choose the pediatrician, because MJ desperately needs her medicine refilled, but I'm glad not to have to.
I'm a little worried about taking her out of school two mornings in a row though. I don't like doing it. I'm sure she'll complain. But hopefully it won't be a common issue. :( Maybe the therapist will be twice a month for now, until she gets some afternoon availability.
I'm not sure if we're supposed to go in the session with MJ or not, so I'll probably try to take a book with me. And Hubby will likely have to go too, just because he'll probably have work both days. He's working really hard lately, and doing close to 35 hours a week right now. He also got complimented for doing a really good job, so that's awesome! Go hubbikins!
Also, to fourthy, I'm sorry people keep asking if you're pregnant. That doesn't sound like fun conversation. You should totally be like 'HOW DID YOU KNOW?!' and in a month, be like, 'Oh, were you seriously asking? My bad. I thought you meant my food baby.' or something for revenge. :P
Alrighty! All done with updates!

I like this song despite myself. And the little girl is impressive, if strange. Hubby is starting to hate this song, since MJ and I both like it.

She wants to be six again.....

So she pretended to be. I found it a little nostalgic and amusing, but I'm worried it really annoyed hubby. Then she regressed to four, and tried baby-speak. I had to correct her pronunciation a few times, and it was a little bit annoying when she was like 'Aren't you gonna wash me? I'm too widdle to wash myself' so I put a stop to it by saying 'Do you really want me to wash every inch of your body?' She thought about it for a minute and was like '.....Nevermind.' In bed, she progressed to 13, and my question was 'Should I still be tucking you in, then?' and she said 'Yeah! You'll still be tucking me in at 13!!' I think we all know she's very addicted to the bed-tucking now. I'm a little worried about how she'll handle it if I have to stay overnight somewhere else, or if she stays over somewhere else.
Speaking of, she had a sleepover on Saturday with her 'BFF' Ally. We took them to Denny's and then the grocery store, where we got some marshmallows for s'mores (but didn't tell them), a comb for Ally for whenever she stays over, and came home. Then, while Hubby blew up the air mattress for them, I took them to the pool for some swimming. I'd forgotten MJ was banned from the pool, so that was my mistake. I've written it down now, so I won't forget. She's also banned from Soda right now.
After the pool, they took showers while we made s'mores (hindsight says we should have let them eat those before their showers), and then sent them to bed, where they stayed up whispering til 1 a.m. (apparently). I warned them when they went to bed not to bother me (because I had work the next day) and to direct all concerns to Hubby. So when their window flooded, guess who's bedside they went to? His. Guess what he did? Immediately asked me what to do. I could have suffocated myself on the irony, if they hadn't already woken me by waking him.
The next day, they made their cereal while Hubby was in the bathroom, waking me all over again. I didn't mind as much though, because I'd had nightmares all night. I continued to have them the whole time I was in bed.
So I got up, reminded the girls to get ready to go (to return Ally to her mother), and we were a little late, so I had Ally call her mom to let her know. I ended up having to explain that we were just running a little late, and we left. Dropped Ally off, talked with her mom a bit (I'd like to invite her over for dinner sometime), and we went off to eat breakfast (for me).
Laundry's done, Hubby's tired (he's started to nap on my couch whenever I leave it for more than a few minutes.... I think he's truly tired), and even I'm ready to fall out at midnight... *sigh* Love ya'll!

Love this


Like this The video and the music can be a little.... odd, but I like the catchphrase, at least.....

Cruelty and Kindness

See, I know I'm sadistic, but the only people I genuinely want to murder have done things that I consider unforgivable (rape, child molestation, etc.). What I've been sensing from our new little girl, however, edges on unfiltered, unabridged willingness to just.... hurt others. Not even for pleasure (which is technically sadism), just for the hell of it. That type of thinking makes me think of mentally unhinged people, and I'm more antsy to get her into counseling than I've ever been before.
I really, honestly wish I could point to something she said or did and say 'THAT. Fix THAT.' but it isn't that simple. Her entire reasoning for it is warped, and unintelligible, and it's difficult to help her realize that 'No, that type of thinking is bad.' without making it a blanket command of 'Don't tell me you think those things' because frankly, she doesn't understand she's being cruel. If she doesn't understand it, she can't realize it herself and stop without some outside force telling her to.
Frankly, it chills me sometimes to talk to her. A lot of the time, after she goes to bed, I think over our day and realize 'Shit, she was asking for help with that statement' or 'Oh wow, that was fucked up. How did I not catch that??' and end up feeling like a failure as a parent. Hell, I feel like a failure every time I let her frustrate me. It isn't fun, but I'm trying to do better.
Now for the kindness. She has a sweetness that I adore, but it comes out in the weirdest times. Tonight, when I tucked her in, she wanted to kiss me on the mouth, and I said 'Nope, forehead's fine.' It enters the 'pedo-danger' line to kiss her on the mouth. I remember once kissing my mom on the mouth and getting a gross feeling because it felt like a romantic kiss because our mouths accidentally lingered. We gave each other weirded out looks and never spoke of it. I really don't want any kind of possibly romantic kisses happening with this already sexually traumatized child. So I won't be kissing her there. She's welcome to kiss me on the cheek or forehead though, and I should probably mention it to her.
She brought home some books from her class today, saying they found a lot of little kids books in class and the teacher told them they could take them home and keep them, so she brought some for the neighborhood kids. I told her she didn't have to, and that it would be awkward to give them to someone she's never spoken to before. She said just because you haven't spoken to them doesn't mean you can't give them things. After a while of doing her homework, she said 'I know! It's like with the homeless!' and I was like *headdesk*. I then told her comparing her neighbors to homeless people is extremely insulting and not to be done. Hopefully I got that through to her, but now we have some little kid's books and no one to give them to. If she really wants to give them to her fellow bus riders, that's fine, but I think it would be weird. I'm still trying to get up the gumption to talk to the parents of the kids (because they don't speak english).
I guess.... I guess I'll leave this here. I'd like feedback and suggestions, of course. I don't know how well to treat her, and my patience is fairly negligible at the best of times. I used to have more patience, but my BC has left it battered and in short supply. *sigh* Fun stuff.

MJ's Bus Stop

Good morning! It's 6:41 in the morning here. I'm sitting around waiting for MJ to be ready for the bus stop. It's nice that she does her chores, but man, does she take forever.
It's so early that someone, like me, who stays up late, is actually dizzy. I would send her to get on the bus by herself except my mom watches too many documentaries of people getting snatched, and my gut clenches at the idea of someone taking her just because I was too lazy to escort her to the bus stop. That was a really long sentence, but I'm not sure how to shorten it. Oh well, too tired to care right now.
Mia had her first little meltdown last night, and demanded to go home, and that she wanted her Mother, or Nana, but not us. She wants to go back to NC, and she wants to go 'home' but I don't think she really has an idea of where that is for her anymore. After handling that with honest, serious, quiet and clear (but hopefully not condescending) refusal, she said something about how I return her 'I love you's with smart and hurtful comments. I don't remember ever doing that, and Hubby also doesn't remember doing so, but we'll watch for it. Hubby says he thinks she's exaggerating it, and that what she means is that she'll say 'I love you!' then make a smart comment or ask about something I have to say no to, and hence, 'my smart comments' are made. She said it really hurts her feelings to have her love returned with mean comments. I do think that's true, and will watch out to not do that, but I don't think I have.
She also said that she treats me like any other foster mom. Hubby was confused, but I told him she probably meant that to hurt me, since I'm not just a foster mom, and for her to call me that means that she doesn't think I'm family anymore. I'm fine with it. It didn't hurt my feelings because I knew she'd try to hurt me, and a foster mom is still a mom, and that's what I am to her right now.
Phew. Just got her on the bus. The stop is a little far, and my ankles hurt from walking there and back, so it's a nice little mini-workout in the morning. My legs really shouldn't hurt, but I've gained enough weight that I think it's inevitable, but I won't stop doing it because otherwise I won't get used to it.
We're supposed to have sex in the mornings once she leaves, but yesterday we were too tired, and today I'm super tired even if Hubby is not, so it'll be an interesting attempt.
MJ called our Grandma yesterday and we tried to talk to her. She wants pictures of MJ and Maya, and couldn't hardly hear us. I think she had trouble with MJ because her voice is 'fuzzy' to put it one way. She has a burr that makes it difficult to understand what she's saying, while I can make my voice/accent clear and easily distinguished. She was happy we called.
MJ wants to go to Nana's house for holidays, and even though I told her we have to work, she's very insistent. Hubby thinks if she believes that if she can just get to NC, she'll be able to see her mom. That makes sense to me. She doesn't believe that court had good reasons for ending her mothers rights, so it's a bit of a headache talking to her.
Hearing her defend her mom hurts my heart a bit. I could easily start to hate my sister, listening to my niece say 'Court doesn't know anything. They don't know how hard she tried. She tried her best, so she should get me back.' She's very stuck on 'If you try your best, you'll succeed.' and I blame elementary schools and their ceaselessly optimistic attitudes. It's all well and dandy to apply that to getting better grades, or getting into shape, but when it comes to a person's safety, I don't wanna hear 'Oh, well I tried my best at the defenses' I wanna hear 'Oh, the only person getting through those defenses will be a smoking dead corpse' you know? Keeping people safe is very important, and just trying your best isn't going to cut it.
It made me VERY angry to hear MJ say 'Do you know they took Max from Momma without any warning? They gave Momma warning with us, but they didn't tell her anything with Max! That's messed up and they're evil!' I agree with the social worker that She. Should. Not. Know. That. Not in that detail, and not from the perspective of an adult. It has 'my sister really confided this shit to her' written all over it, and I can't help a burning anger in my gut that my sister would tell her little girl about her own problems that way. Don't get me wrong, YES she needs to know Max was in the system as well, but you don't tell her details!! You simply say 'Your little brother was also put in a foster home so your mom could work to get all of you back without having to care for a newborn' or something!! I can visibly imagine Cin laying her head on MJ's lap, crying about this, her wording was so clear.
So as you can see, we're struggling a little, but it's not so bad. When she was having a bedtime snack (salad), she burst out with 'Why can't I see my Mom?' and I got sick of it. I pointed at Hubby, told her to talk to him, because I was through for the night, and got up to get stuff for today ready. Hubby handled that conversation fairly well, but I think Mia just sees it as 'adult buffer' and isn't really listening once we mention court.
Alrighty, I'm done. Shout out to fourthmonth for being in good health and commenting on my bloggity! Have a good one ya'll!

I'm not sure I like the video, but the song is pretty interesting. Hm. Frankly, I don't even wanna watch the video anymore. I don't like it very much.

Her poor teachers

They weren't told anything about MJ skipping 4th and going directly into 5th. How do I know? Because this morning, her teachers came to our door to introduce themselves and when I went outside to privately ask about what they already knew, the answer was: They knew zilch! They didn't know she needs a 504 (behavior) plan, that she was being boosted up a grade, that she just moved here, nothing. But the fact that they came by, and will be doing so for her entire grade (there's only 30 students total. Can you believe that???) is very wonderful.
Her teacher meet and greet is tomorrow afternoon, and we'll be able to talk more at our leisure. I'm gonna have MJ wear a dress, since she hasn't worn one since she's come. She's worn skirts, but they're really skorts, so I don't think it counts.
After her teach came by, we all had to rush out the door, and even still, we were a little late getting Hubby to work. I then dropped the little one off at her club, picked up $5 worth of breakfast kolaches, and went to Min's place to chat for a few hours. She'd prepared muffins and little breakfast danishes, so it was quite a bread-ful breakfast.
We chatted (most of it revolved around MJ, unsurprisingly) and played games together before I left. At one point, she admitted she was confused, because she thought we were adopting MJ right away, and wondered what MJ's last name would be. She was like 'So you're taking care of her simply out of the goodness of your heart?' and I was like '....Well, yeah.' For some reason that was really impressive, where adopting her was not/was expected. I don't profess to understand others, simply observe them.
When I left, my stomach felt quite queasy (and honestly, I don't like using her bathroom because they don't have hand soap in there), so I decided to stop at home before going to pick up MJ (and hubby later). While I was home, I decided to change my shoes because I had planned to explore a mall with the little one while Hubby was tutoring, and cut up melon for tomorrow's breakfast (because our evenings are always hectic).
Then I went and picked her up, and had 20 minutes to kill before Hubby got off work, so MJ and I wandered around (walking) before we decided to sit at a table in the shade near his job. While we were sitting there, an employee at Thundercloud Subs (we eat there often, and it's right next to Hubby's job) came out to take trash out, and said hello. We answered, and she said 'You know, I saw you two and your husband? this morning. I see you guys pretty often. You make such a cute little family unit.' I just smiled and thanked her, and looked at MJ, but didn't comment on it one way or the other. MJ likewise looked at me funny for a minute, but chose not to say anything. Then we played her personal version of Apples to Apples until we'd had enough of waiting for Hubby and went to wait at the door to his job for him.
On the way, my phone started ringing, and it was my sister. She wanted to thank MJ for the Thank You card she recieved (that I made MJ write). While they were talking, Hubby startled me, and scolded me for standing in front of the door and not expecting someone to come walking out of it. *Shrug* I asked what everyone wanted for lunch, and got various unhelpful answers. So I decided to go ahead and drive to Hubby's tutoring appointment location and we'd eat somewhere nearby.
They had Japanese/Chinese Hibachi, but when we got there, they'd closed between 2:30 and 4:30, and it was 3, so we were out of luck. So we walked across the street to a little cafe, that closed at 3, so we were twice out of luck. Finally I decided we'd get pizza, like MJ wanted, and we went to Pizza Hut, hoping for the buffet. Aaaaaand again, we were out of luck, but we still ate there and simply ordered a random sampling of things that sounded good.
Our food took a while, so we all played Apples to Apples together, and then while we ate, I gathered up the Green cards and used them to start conversations about 'What's the first thing that pops into your head when you hear ______' and the answers were amusing. At one point we were just going around answering the answer of the person before us. I think that's a fun game, and I hope we can play it again soon.
After that, it was a mad rush to get Hubby to his job on time, but we managed. While he was working hard to make that money, MJ and I went around picking books to read. We found quite a few, honestly, and neither of us were willing to wait to be able to read them. So when, two hours later, we found out our library card didn't work because this library was out of the jurisdiction, we were....not happy.
Actually, not happy turned quite quickly to uncompromising 'But we want it! Please?!' which turned to spending $20 for a membership there that lasts six months, and can be switched to a free membership in a few weeks/whenever we get the paperwork done. On the plus side, both of us have been reading.
Then I asked if we could go to the mall (because I'd been planning to show it to MJ all day), and since Hubby was driving, he was the decider. He said (kinda meanly, but he's had a bad day) that I'd spent too much money already today, but if I wanted to go, and was okay with simply window-shopping, then fine, we could go. Considering I need to buy some new underwear and some body wash (MJ+Runa=Non-lasting body wash) that wasn't really something I could agree to, so I just set the GPS for home and read my book.
When we got home, we read while we waited for Nana to get on skype to talk to MJ (I'd called and arranged that earlier today). The books totally distracted me from realizing today is chore day for MJ, so she escaped her chores via neglect (ours) and will do them tomorrow instead. We had a nice, kinda stilted conversation with Nana, then I talked with Nana by myself for a bit while MJ went to play Uno with Hubby.
After that, we all went swimming, where MJ was extremely possessive and wouldn't let me stay near Hubby, but also wouldn't stay between the two of us either. She's getting a little worrisomely possessive of me, but I hope with time that'll ease and she'll get more attached to Hubby as well.
When we got out of the pool, MJ said she was hungry (I was too) so after giving her her medicine and scooting her into the shower, I made her a piece of peanut butter toast and sent her off to bed where I massaged her shoulders and neck (as per our promise. If she takes her shower in ten minutes or less, I'll rub her back/whatever for her for a few minutes) before tucking her in and telling her goodnight.
Overall, besides a little tension between the Hubby (whose day did not go as expected) and myself (who does not like bearing brunts of things she didn't cause), my day was pretty nice.

I heard this song on the radio Monday, and really wanted to dance to it, so we had an inpromptu dance that day. I think it's catchy and cute. Heh. The video is even cuter than I'd thought it would be.

Argumentative Child

I have decided that I will blog for as long as it takes Hubby to bring me atoothbrush. There will be errors and mistakes and such, but I can't help it, as I'm super tired.
Work has really picked up lately, and I'm doing 3-5 Thais a day. On top of other massage modalities. Essentially, it's a very sore, very tired, Runa. And it's not just me either. Our work percentages as a whole are staying in the 60-90% range. That's not just good booking sense, either. It's lots of work.
On to the topic of discussion. We have a child. We have a child that has argued to the point of tears that I should not think she is prettier than her four year old sister. Frankly, her logic escapes me. She believes if she is prettier, that she will steal her little sister's friends, and her little sister will end up all alone. I suggested she make sure to always include her sister and there won't be a problem. I don't know why this was not a good enough answer. I told her it was a big sister's job to be attractive, because all friends admire older, nicer siblings, so she shouldn't worry about it. The topic turned to how her little sister is prettier. And the whole argument devolved from there.
Seriously, this child will argue with you if you leave the SLIGHTEST hole in an argument. And I have Hubby scolding me at night for arguing BACK! He tells me to pick my battles, when she arms up, calls her army, and marches to my door! I don't get to pick many of the battles, besides the ones that I catch because something about them is just so wrong. To blame me for being willing to spar was extremely frustrating, and I felt attacked on all sides. Since then, we've worked things out a bit (I will never not-engage enough for his tastes, but he recognizes the Evil One will always try to engage me) and he hasnt overly scolded me.
Our next step is to start getting enough sleep. Last week I had this fear that if I slept between 2-4 a.m., she would join us in our bed, and just couldn't do it. Then I got exhausted enough to say 'Fuck it. She can scooch her ass in if she needs to' and go to sleep. Frankly, I feel like this child is an energy vampire. She sucks all my energy out and leaves me tired just looking at her. That's not even including the troubles that come with taking in a child and getting her set up to be ready for school in a week.
Her interest in things is transient, her conversation is so convoluted that I have difficulty engaging, her testing has reached 'more often than not, it's a test' when talking with me, and whenever she's alone with me in a car, she cries!


..... And now I have my toothbrush. Night!