Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
New weight loss goals
So, I don't know that I've really mentioned this this year, but I did make some resolutions. I resolved to jog once a week, and while I may have told Hubby about that one, I didn't mention the one I was secretly trying to do: cut down to one dessert a day. I know for some people (probably a lot) they only have dessert once a week. I seem to replace my meals with sweets when I have the opportunity, and I wanted to try to change that. So for the last month, I have struggled and tried, and it turns out that making those resolutions has resulted in the opposite effect. I haven't jogged once since the new year started, and I find myself eating sweets multiple times a day. The sweets thing actually worked for a few days. And then it was all over in the blink of an eye because I just WANT sweets. By 'I', I mean my body. And while I used to pride myself of my self-control, it's kind of gone to shit in recent years. So it's very difficult to deny myself something that I have the power and means to give.
Phew. I just worked out with Hubby for nearly an hour. We've decided that he'll be my 'personal trainer' to keep me going in the gym twice a week. I'm also going to ask my doctor about any diet aids he might recommend and any precautions I should take considering my hypothyroidism. Did you know if the dosage of your medicine is off, it can cause you to sleep a lot more, wake up tired, and have insomnia? It can also cause weight shifts, loss of mental-awareness and other not cool things. It's possible that the medicine's dosage has been off for a while, causing my body to think it needs more weight than it does. Honestly, my belly is so big now it's getting in the way of me doing stuff. If I ride a bike, my legs constantly bump my belly!! That's too big for me!! So I'm setting a goal. I want to lose two pounds a week. And I want to lose 30 pounds by our anniversary. If I do, I will be able to go and get glamour photos done again (since that was an incredible experience, but a little expensive so I don't want to do it more than once a year). If I don't, then I won't. Honestly, at my current weight and size, I wouldn't want to get them done anyway. My ideal weight is 180. I am about 50 pounds from that. ;___; But with Hubby's help, I think I can do it.
See, the thing about helping is this: I HATE being told no. I really dislike when someone says 'Uh, Runa, are you sure you should be eating that/doing that/etc.' and my obstinate streak rears its head. Even if I have to privately admit you're right, I shouldn't, Outwardly I have to bull forward and take it on, even if I might have changed my mind otherwise. I don't like it, I know it's just stupidly stubborn, but I've been fighting it for the last two years and haven't won yet, so I think it's safe to say I won't suddenly be okay when someone tells me I can't have something.
So back to helping: The most effective (by far) weight loss help I got was my host mom preparing the meals and encouraging me to bike places. Since Hubby isn't suddenly going to be a master chef that can cook low calorie yet filling meals, and since Austin isn't suddenly going to be a safe city for bikers to roam at will, we have to figure out other methods.
I believe I'm going to try to keep a food journal. It's rather effective at minimizing the food I eat because I simply don't want to admit to eating 10 cookies and two milk shakes in a day (that's an exaggeration) and my honesty compels me to be clear. I also think I will weigh myself and keep track of it in Excel each day so I can make graphs and notes for extenuating circumstances, or extraordinary results. These both come rather close to shaming methods, but I hope I can look at my weight and food choices with an eye toward learning and educating, not just being ashamed of myself constantly.
Since we just came back from the gym, I think I should start today. The only thing is, I've only had one meal today, and I'm getting hungry, so if I weigh and note food now, it won't be as accurate. If I just set a time each day to weigh myself, I think I can stick to it more. I think I'll choose midnight. Simply because I should be done with eating and trying to get to bed close to that time anyway, and this encourages it.
Speaking of sleeping, my insomnia is insane. I was up til past 7:20 this morning trying to get to sleep, and then woke up around 11:30 this morning because the people above us were moving stuff around, sliding around, or something that was repetitive, nonsexual, and extremely annoying. I was tired and angry enough that I actually grabbed our old swiffer and banged it on the ceiling. They did it twice more and then stopped. I always appreciate those that realize they're being asses and seek to correct their behavior.
I watched the grammys while working out, and was nearly brought to tears by the marriage ceremonies performed. I wonder if Queen Latifah is actually certified by the State of California to preside over marriages though... I can't find a video of it, it only happened an hour or so ago. Maybe I can find one later, or you can find one yourselves, but it was beautiful. Here's some more details about it. http://www.digitalspy.com/music/news/a546691/grammys-2014-madonna-macklemore-performance-to-include-live-weddings.html
Love ya'll!!
Phew. I just worked out with Hubby for nearly an hour. We've decided that he'll be my 'personal trainer' to keep me going in the gym twice a week. I'm also going to ask my doctor about any diet aids he might recommend and any precautions I should take considering my hypothyroidism. Did you know if the dosage of your medicine is off, it can cause you to sleep a lot more, wake up tired, and have insomnia? It can also cause weight shifts, loss of mental-awareness and other not cool things. It's possible that the medicine's dosage has been off for a while, causing my body to think it needs more weight than it does. Honestly, my belly is so big now it's getting in the way of me doing stuff. If I ride a bike, my legs constantly bump my belly!! That's too big for me!! So I'm setting a goal. I want to lose two pounds a week. And I want to lose 30 pounds by our anniversary. If I do, I will be able to go and get glamour photos done again (since that was an incredible experience, but a little expensive so I don't want to do it more than once a year). If I don't, then I won't. Honestly, at my current weight and size, I wouldn't want to get them done anyway. My ideal weight is 180. I am about 50 pounds from that. ;___; But with Hubby's help, I think I can do it.
See, the thing about helping is this: I HATE being told no. I really dislike when someone says 'Uh, Runa, are you sure you should be eating that/doing that/etc.' and my obstinate streak rears its head. Even if I have to privately admit you're right, I shouldn't, Outwardly I have to bull forward and take it on, even if I might have changed my mind otherwise. I don't like it, I know it's just stupidly stubborn, but I've been fighting it for the last two years and haven't won yet, so I think it's safe to say I won't suddenly be okay when someone tells me I can't have something.
So back to helping: The most effective (by far) weight loss help I got was my host mom preparing the meals and encouraging me to bike places. Since Hubby isn't suddenly going to be a master chef that can cook low calorie yet filling meals, and since Austin isn't suddenly going to be a safe city for bikers to roam at will, we have to figure out other methods.
I believe I'm going to try to keep a food journal. It's rather effective at minimizing the food I eat because I simply don't want to admit to eating 10 cookies and two milk shakes in a day (that's an exaggeration) and my honesty compels me to be clear. I also think I will weigh myself and keep track of it in Excel each day so I can make graphs and notes for extenuating circumstances, or extraordinary results. These both come rather close to shaming methods, but I hope I can look at my weight and food choices with an eye toward learning and educating, not just being ashamed of myself constantly.
Since we just came back from the gym, I think I should start today. The only thing is, I've only had one meal today, and I'm getting hungry, so if I weigh and note food now, it won't be as accurate. If I just set a time each day to weigh myself, I think I can stick to it more. I think I'll choose midnight. Simply because I should be done with eating and trying to get to bed close to that time anyway, and this encourages it.
Speaking of sleeping, my insomnia is insane. I was up til past 7:20 this morning trying to get to sleep, and then woke up around 11:30 this morning because the people above us were moving stuff around, sliding around, or something that was repetitive, nonsexual, and extremely annoying. I was tired and angry enough that I actually grabbed our old swiffer and banged it on the ceiling. They did it twice more and then stopped. I always appreciate those that realize they're being asses and seek to correct their behavior.
I watched the grammys while working out, and was nearly brought to tears by the marriage ceremonies performed. I wonder if Queen Latifah is actually certified by the State of California to preside over marriages though... I can't find a video of it, it only happened an hour or so ago. Maybe I can find one later, or you can find one yourselves, but it was beautiful. Here's some more details about it. http://www.digitalspy.com/music/news/a546691/grammys-2014-madonna-macklemore-performance-to-include-live-weddings.html
Love ya'll!!
Friday, January 24, 2014
Positive Thinking!
It can change everything, apparently. Here's a link to an interesting article that shows a Japanese scientist's findings. http://altering-perspectives.com/2014/01/scientific-proof-thoughts-intentions-can-alter-physical-world-around-us.html
I don't know if I believe it, but I have noticed that my gut feelings are very good. Maybe not though, cause I had a good feeling about this chiropractic clinic's front office position, and I haven't heard back from them. But they were supposed to start the person tomorrow morning, so I guess I have to believe they didn't choose me. In a way it's good, because I have a make-up class on Wednesday for the exam I missed when I had the flu. And because I would have to two more days after that for court. I mentioned that I felt bad about not mentioning that upfront to Hubby and that I felt a little like it was back-stabbing. HE said 'I think Mimi is worth backstabbing for. Don't you?' I was kinda like 0___0 Well when you put it that way......
But I've been thinking about it. If you can compromise your morals because '______ is worth it' doesn't that mean you can be bought? And doesn't that make you corrupt? Regardless of your good intentions, once you start that slippery slope, it's very difficult to make your way back into moral safety again. I know. I climbed that sucker as a kid. It was difficult, especially because I'm SUCH a good liar when I forget to give off the 'I'm lying' signals. =.= And I generally purposefully give those signals off so that others have the chance to not be tricked. I still remember in 9th grade when I was startled by the principal coming to our class while we were playing UNO instead of taking a test (we finished early, and cards were banned in school, regardless). When he questioned what we were doing, I was startled, so I lied automatically to save the guy whose cards they were. "We were comparing our answers from the test. We're sitting close so the ones still taking it won't hear." He nodded, and went on, and all the people playing UNO just stared at me. A girl I didn't particularly like was open-mouthed in amazement, and said "I had no idea you could lie like that!" I was so ashamed. V___V I slipped down the slope so easily. Just because a lie is easier is no reason to not bear with the consequences of the truth. *sigh*
I made no bake cookies today. :) They were yummy. Hubby says they're too good, cause he couldn't stop eating them. Tomorrow we're gonna make peanut butter cookies, and then we'll have a nice variety for S's birthday gift/party on Saturday. We're going to Buffalo Wild Wings. Hubby and I have never been there, so I'm a little excited.
I worry that Hubby is stressing out a lot and keeping it bottled. I suppose airing out your worries doesn't necessarily improve your mood, but it makes the playing field clear, don't you think? :/ Or maybe it just makes the listener feel important. I mean, we're both worried about the future, but while my stress apparently comes out in my shoulders and insomnia, Hubby's comes out more subtly, and I worry that I might be missing signs of unhappiness. I never want to make Hubby unhappy (unless he made me unhappy first, and then it's just fair for him to become as miserable as me for a while), so I worry that marrying him might be bad for him sometimes. I don't wanna be a burden. :( I think this translates to: Talk to meeeeee!!!
He's filling out a lot of applications, for a lot of places. I feel like I should be too, but court in is a week, so I feel like I need to wait so I'll be properly available to meet and get the job. There's one that was posted that suits me pretty well earlier. It's from 6:30 a.m. to 3 p.m. every day, and I don't mind the early hours as long as I can have a nap. No one seems to believe that I can get up early, but usually it's me getting people up when we have to be up super early. :/ I mean super early, not noon or so. I can do it. I did it for years. I just don't like being up before the sun, and once the sun's up, I wanna nap in it. It's a fun conundrum. The point is, I CAN do it, even if I don't really want to. We need the money, you know?
We got our court letter notarized, and I took pictures of the house but.... >.> The bedroom photo had some sexy-time-things sitting out and now I have to retake it. The bedroom for Mimi is also kinda 'storage area' looking, so I have to clean it up before I take that photo. .... Actually, I took one. Here it is!
I don't know if I believe it, but I have noticed that my gut feelings are very good. Maybe not though, cause I had a good feeling about this chiropractic clinic's front office position, and I haven't heard back from them. But they were supposed to start the person tomorrow morning, so I guess I have to believe they didn't choose me. In a way it's good, because I have a make-up class on Wednesday for the exam I missed when I had the flu. And because I would have to two more days after that for court. I mentioned that I felt bad about not mentioning that upfront to Hubby and that I felt a little like it was back-stabbing. HE said 'I think Mimi is worth backstabbing for. Don't you?' I was kinda like 0___0 Well when you put it that way......
But I've been thinking about it. If you can compromise your morals because '______ is worth it' doesn't that mean you can be bought? And doesn't that make you corrupt? Regardless of your good intentions, once you start that slippery slope, it's very difficult to make your way back into moral safety again. I know. I climbed that sucker as a kid. It was difficult, especially because I'm SUCH a good liar when I forget to give off the 'I'm lying' signals. =.= And I generally purposefully give those signals off so that others have the chance to not be tricked. I still remember in 9th grade when I was startled by the principal coming to our class while we were playing UNO instead of taking a test (we finished early, and cards were banned in school, regardless). When he questioned what we were doing, I was startled, so I lied automatically to save the guy whose cards they were. "We were comparing our answers from the test. We're sitting close so the ones still taking it won't hear." He nodded, and went on, and all the people playing UNO just stared at me. A girl I didn't particularly like was open-mouthed in amazement, and said "I had no idea you could lie like that!" I was so ashamed. V___V I slipped down the slope so easily. Just because a lie is easier is no reason to not bear with the consequences of the truth. *sigh*
I made no bake cookies today. :) They were yummy. Hubby says they're too good, cause he couldn't stop eating them. Tomorrow we're gonna make peanut butter cookies, and then we'll have a nice variety for S's birthday gift/party on Saturday. We're going to Buffalo Wild Wings. Hubby and I have never been there, so I'm a little excited.
I worry that Hubby is stressing out a lot and keeping it bottled. I suppose airing out your worries doesn't necessarily improve your mood, but it makes the playing field clear, don't you think? :/ Or maybe it just makes the listener feel important. I mean, we're both worried about the future, but while my stress apparently comes out in my shoulders and insomnia, Hubby's comes out more subtly, and I worry that I might be missing signs of unhappiness. I never want to make Hubby unhappy (unless he made me unhappy first, and then it's just fair for him to become as miserable as me for a while), so I worry that marrying him might be bad for him sometimes. I don't wanna be a burden. :( I think this translates to: Talk to meeeeee!!!
He's filling out a lot of applications, for a lot of places. I feel like I should be too, but court in is a week, so I feel like I need to wait so I'll be properly available to meet and get the job. There's one that was posted that suits me pretty well earlier. It's from 6:30 a.m. to 3 p.m. every day, and I don't mind the early hours as long as I can have a nap. No one seems to believe that I can get up early, but usually it's me getting people up when we have to be up super early. :/ I mean super early, not noon or so. I can do it. I did it for years. I just don't like being up before the sun, and once the sun's up, I wanna nap in it. It's a fun conundrum. The point is, I CAN do it, even if I don't really want to. We need the money, you know?
We got our court letter notarized, and I took pictures of the house but.... >.> The bedroom photo had some sexy-time-things sitting out and now I have to retake it. The bedroom for Mimi is also kinda 'storage area' looking, so I have to clean it up before I take that photo. .... Actually, I took one. Here it is!
Look! I learned to upload photos!! :D I'm amazing! Oh, I've been listening to this song lately, and I realized: It sounds a lot like learning a second language and living in a new environment. Then when I thought back to the movie, it reminded me of my first few weeks in Japan when I couldn't communicate my more complex thoughts very well. Which is really similar to Ariel!
Oh my goodness! This guy is amazing!! Even MY voice won't go that high!! My ears can't even tell he's a guy! :0 ...The pervert in me is wondering if he actually has a penis or if he's a eunuch.....
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Eating
I really love to make new and interesting foods, if you didn't know (I'm slightly copying Caitikins here). But when I'm feeling down about myself or about some situation, I end up not cooking (either because I just don't feel like I have the energy, or because I feel really fat and think it's gluttonous) and that makes me even more depressed.
So today! I had an interview for a receptionist position at a chiropractic/massage clinic! And while I was super worried about not being available for the evening hours they wanted someone for, I also think I left a really good impression. I was there early, I was respectful, asked intelligent questions, and somehow conveyed how punctual I am, even though there was a miscommunication and they thought I was coming tomorrow. Hubby thought that printing off and bringing along an extra resume, letters of recommendation and references was too much, but those actually really impressed her. I'm really excited and hopeful about this job, because it really suits me, and I just wish I suited them as well. I hope they'll choose me anyway, but either way they'll contact me by Thursday evening and if I get it, I'll be starting on Friday! If I don't get it, I have the option of working in a call center selling phone packages in a nice environment to businesses. The only downside is that it's full-time and I was really looking for part time work.
I contacted the elementary school where Mimi would be going to try and get a tour and the curriculum for her grade, and they took my info and said they would call me back, but they never did. I'll give them til two or so tomorrow and call again. I need a brochure for the school, for court (apparently). The lawyer called this morning around ten, and we talked about all sorts of things. Like how she didn't realize I would be in court in February, how I need to take and bring pictures of every room in my home to court with me, as well as pictures of our 'food supply'. I kinda think they'll just look at me and be like "Aw, she'll get fed". For some reason we also have to have the letter everyone helped us write (that the lawyer dramatized) notarized, but thankfully our banks should do it for free. I just have to call and set up an appointment for this Thursday with the notary person, to be sure they'll be there.
I also tried to call the therapist I want for Mimi, and left a message but she didn't get back to me either. I'll give her a day or two as well. I need a business card from her, and maybe a consultation to be sure she's willing.
Then I tried to call the social worker twice, but the phone just kept ringing and no one ever picked it up. I think she turned off her voicemail. I need to know what kind of mental health care they've determined she needs, so I know if I should be looking for someone else.
The lawyer thought we wanted Mimi immediately (and in our hearts, of course we do) but we can't take her until May, and for her sake, should probably not try to get her until she finishes school for the summer. TX is a leading education provider and NC is.... well, it's moving up the ranks, but I would hate to bring her here just for her to struggle madly to catch up and find herself unable to bridge the gap, give up, and fail her year. Lawyer lady was kinda annoyed about not being clear on what we're expecting and what we're asking for. She says she'll go into court asking that we get custody, but since we can't get her until May/June anyway, to also get an ICPC done and reconvene court when the ICPC comes back. We kind of wanted to avoid an ICPC because we didn't want the invasive study, but it seems like the best option and easiest way to assure the court that we're sincere and able to care for her. I don't know. *sigh*
I also called and emailed our second choice for Parenting classes today. The first one got back to me and said they won't train someone that isn't going to be a foster parent for their kids (which I can understand, though it seems a little silly, because if they could train the original parents before the kids start to suffer, they would have less kids to place), but suggested we might qualify for a nifty program called the Permanency Care Assistance Program if my sister's rights were terminated. But I don't think it's an option, because I think it's only for TX.
I made pumpkin bread today! It was so good I just couldn't stop eating it. Then for dinner I boiled some broccolette and pasta, added salt and velveeta and made a cheezy pasta. I also made zucchini pizza, with pizza sauce and mozzarella and parmesan cheeses on top of slices of zuchini. I think next time I won't just slice the zucchini in half, but actually make thin slices and try it out. It might turn out a lot better that way, but it wasn't bad this way either.
Then I went to school where we did lots of stretches and then sat around and listened to business marketing ideas. I had a headache start up before 7 pm, but it got noticably worse as the night went on. It felt like there was a clamp around my forehead, down the sides of my face, and sinking right into the base of my neck. It sucks. It still hurts but not quite as bad.
I'll end things here (since Hubby looks interesting now). Love you, g'night!
Sidenote: Interesting article about Frozen. I really do recommend it to anyone that hasn't seen it yet, and I really do like it. I want to go back and enjoy the subtleties but not for the cost of 30 dollars again (3people+Concessions)! I'm willing to wait and buy the movie, because I really wanna support the direction Disney appears to be heading in. http://www.policymic.com/articles/79455/7-moments-that-made-frozen-the-most-progressive-disney-movie-ever
So today! I had an interview for a receptionist position at a chiropractic/massage clinic! And while I was super worried about not being available for the evening hours they wanted someone for, I also think I left a really good impression. I was there early, I was respectful, asked intelligent questions, and somehow conveyed how punctual I am, even though there was a miscommunication and they thought I was coming tomorrow. Hubby thought that printing off and bringing along an extra resume, letters of recommendation and references was too much, but those actually really impressed her. I'm really excited and hopeful about this job, because it really suits me, and I just wish I suited them as well. I hope they'll choose me anyway, but either way they'll contact me by Thursday evening and if I get it, I'll be starting on Friday! If I don't get it, I have the option of working in a call center selling phone packages in a nice environment to businesses. The only downside is that it's full-time and I was really looking for part time work.
I contacted the elementary school where Mimi would be going to try and get a tour and the curriculum for her grade, and they took my info and said they would call me back, but they never did. I'll give them til two or so tomorrow and call again. I need a brochure for the school, for court (apparently). The lawyer called this morning around ten, and we talked about all sorts of things. Like how she didn't realize I would be in court in February, how I need to take and bring pictures of every room in my home to court with me, as well as pictures of our 'food supply'. I kinda think they'll just look at me and be like "Aw, she'll get fed". For some reason we also have to have the letter everyone helped us write (that the lawyer dramatized) notarized, but thankfully our banks should do it for free. I just have to call and set up an appointment for this Thursday with the notary person, to be sure they'll be there.
I also tried to call the therapist I want for Mimi, and left a message but she didn't get back to me either. I'll give her a day or two as well. I need a business card from her, and maybe a consultation to be sure she's willing.
Then I tried to call the social worker twice, but the phone just kept ringing and no one ever picked it up. I think she turned off her voicemail. I need to know what kind of mental health care they've determined she needs, so I know if I should be looking for someone else.
The lawyer thought we wanted Mimi immediately (and in our hearts, of course we do) but we can't take her until May, and for her sake, should probably not try to get her until she finishes school for the summer. TX is a leading education provider and NC is.... well, it's moving up the ranks, but I would hate to bring her here just for her to struggle madly to catch up and find herself unable to bridge the gap, give up, and fail her year. Lawyer lady was kinda annoyed about not being clear on what we're expecting and what we're asking for. She says she'll go into court asking that we get custody, but since we can't get her until May/June anyway, to also get an ICPC done and reconvene court when the ICPC comes back. We kind of wanted to avoid an ICPC because we didn't want the invasive study, but it seems like the best option and easiest way to assure the court that we're sincere and able to care for her. I don't know. *sigh*
I also called and emailed our second choice for Parenting classes today. The first one got back to me and said they won't train someone that isn't going to be a foster parent for their kids (which I can understand, though it seems a little silly, because if they could train the original parents before the kids start to suffer, they would have less kids to place), but suggested we might qualify for a nifty program called the Permanency Care Assistance Program if my sister's rights were terminated. But I don't think it's an option, because I think it's only for TX.
I made pumpkin bread today! It was so good I just couldn't stop eating it. Then for dinner I boiled some broccolette and pasta, added salt and velveeta and made a cheezy pasta. I also made zucchini pizza, with pizza sauce and mozzarella and parmesan cheeses on top of slices of zuchini. I think next time I won't just slice the zucchini in half, but actually make thin slices and try it out. It might turn out a lot better that way, but it wasn't bad this way either.
Then I went to school where we did lots of stretches and then sat around and listened to business marketing ideas. I had a headache start up before 7 pm, but it got noticably worse as the night went on. It felt like there was a clamp around my forehead, down the sides of my face, and sinking right into the base of my neck. It sucks. It still hurts but not quite as bad.
I'll end things here (since Hubby looks interesting now). Love you, g'night!
Sidenote: Interesting article about Frozen. I really do recommend it to anyone that hasn't seen it yet, and I really do like it. I want to go back and enjoy the subtleties but not for the cost of 30 dollars again (3people+Concessions)! I'm willing to wait and buy the movie, because I really wanna support the direction Disney appears to be heading in. http://www.policymic.com/articles/79455/7-moments-that-made-frozen-the-most-progressive-disney-movie-ever
Friday, January 10, 2014
Massage School, or 'How I caught the flu my first day home'
So, we took a whopping three days to get back to TX from NC last week, and we left three days earlier than we really had to for one very simple reason: I had class Thursday night. So we got back to town around 3 p.m. on Thursday, and we went out to eat before Hubby dropped me off at school, and I attended four hours of mind-numbing 'teaching'. Sitting next to me was a very contagious little girl who knew she was sick, thought it might be the flu, but didn't have the money to go to the doctor about it. So she sat next to me, coughed around me, talked to me, and essentially, was being friendly.
She got me sick. Friday, I didn't feel very well, my stomach was a little strange, but I was more or less okay. Saturday? I dropped. I slept til three or so, didn't particularly want to eat anything, coughed when I felt like coughing, and generally felt gross.
This feeling persisted until Monday, and though I could already feel it starting to lift slightly, I went to the doctor to see if what I had was contagious. (Remember, around Thanksgiving I caught something that wasn't contagious and took me down for three weeks? I didn't want it to be back) Turns out, it was the flu! Type A, whatever that is. AND? You're contagious until you get treatment. I'm rather doubtful that the little girl next to me ever got treatment. Likely she just healed up on her own and could still be contagious. And you know what? I can't blame her. Do you know how much the medicine freakin' cost??? $104!!! Not $10.40. ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR DOLLARS. For a FIVE DAY TREATMENT. Fuck my liiiiiiiife. I am suuuuuch an expensive wife and I never meant to be.
I was so shocked, but I didn't want to infect anyone else, so I took it, and I'm eatin' it even though it makes me nauseaus. I'm a good girl. I missed my exam in order to not make others sick. Seriously, the chick wiped out a fourth of our class. It's actually scary how quickly that flu went through us, and there's no guarantee it won't make a second or third round. So scary!
You know what's the topping on the cake though? ^.^ The flu fucked with my whooooole body's system to the point that I also got my period. For the second time. In as many weeks. When I haven't had one in moooonths. And the period makes my insides perpetually ache, my back constantly hurt, and my body slower to respond than I would like.
On a great note! I'm finally free from physical therapy. Admittedly, I really enjoyed it, but to know they think I'm healed enough to go out on my own makes me really happy. :3 Yay!
She got me sick. Friday, I didn't feel very well, my stomach was a little strange, but I was more or less okay. Saturday? I dropped. I slept til three or so, didn't particularly want to eat anything, coughed when I felt like coughing, and generally felt gross.
This feeling persisted until Monday, and though I could already feel it starting to lift slightly, I went to the doctor to see if what I had was contagious. (Remember, around Thanksgiving I caught something that wasn't contagious and took me down for three weeks? I didn't want it to be back) Turns out, it was the flu! Type A, whatever that is. AND? You're contagious until you get treatment. I'm rather doubtful that the little girl next to me ever got treatment. Likely she just healed up on her own and could still be contagious. And you know what? I can't blame her. Do you know how much the medicine freakin' cost??? $104!!! Not $10.40. ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR DOLLARS. For a FIVE DAY TREATMENT. Fuck my liiiiiiiife. I am suuuuuch an expensive wife and I never meant to be.
I was so shocked, but I didn't want to infect anyone else, so I took it, and I'm eatin' it even though it makes me nauseaus. I'm a good girl. I missed my exam in order to not make others sick. Seriously, the chick wiped out a fourth of our class. It's actually scary how quickly that flu went through us, and there's no guarantee it won't make a second or third round. So scary!
You know what's the topping on the cake though? ^.^ The flu fucked with my whooooole body's system to the point that I also got my period. For the second time. In as many weeks. When I haven't had one in moooonths. And the period makes my insides perpetually ache, my back constantly hurt, and my body slower to respond than I would like.
On a great note! I'm finally free from physical therapy. Admittedly, I really enjoyed it, but to know they think I'm healed enough to go out on my own makes me really happy. :3 Yay!
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Man up!
So Hubby and I just watched this together, and I certainly agree that society tends to place a lot of demands in terms of 'respect' and 'being a man' on boys, just as they place a lot of disrespect and requirements on girls. Watch and discuss!
http://www.upworthy.com/theres-something-absolutely-wrong-with-what-we-do-to-boys-before-they-grow-into-men
http://www.upworthy.com/theres-something-absolutely-wrong-with-what-we-do-to-boys-before-they-grow-into-men
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Letters
I'm supposed to write a 'Resume' for the Judge for court in February to explain why I haven't come forward until now, and what I can offer for my niece. I think I'll try drafting some ideas here first, and you can give me advice on what sounds good and what sounds bad.
To Whom It May Concern,
My name is _______, I am 24 years old, have been married for almost two years, graduated from _ _ _____ in the spring of 2012 and moved to Austin __ with my husband in the fall of that same year. I haven't come forward to ask for custody of my niece until now because I was concerned about how young you would see me as, and whether you would find my home to be stable for her.
I have been with Mimi since she was born, and our separation only really began when I moved to Japan in the Fall of 2010. When I came back, we had a few short months before she was taken into the system, but I have always sent her postcards, cards, and sometimes letters. I haven't received much in reply, and I haven't sent things too often because I wasn't sure where to send the mail in order for her to get it. From around September of 2013 to recently, I have been able to join in a few phone conversations with Mimi and her mother, thanks to Cin's generosity in calling via three-way.
Currently, I am enrolled in massage therapy school and will graduate around May of this year. My husband will also be graduating with a Masters in Chemical Engineering around the same time. We have lived in Austin for the last year and a half, and will be moving closer to North Carolina after we receive our diplomas and my husband signs on with a company of his choice. Our income is primarily based in my husband's work as a Teaching Assistant and his multiple tutoring jobs. Our typical income is around $30,000 a year. It isn't a lot, but we believe that as long as Mimi's health care is paid for, we can provide a comfortable living situation for her. We hope that in our consistent housing, stable financing, and future prospects, you will be confident enough to at least order an ICPC for our home to see if we are suitable to care for Mimi. We have a bedroom prepared, with everything except Mimi and her clothes.
We truly, sincerely hope you will give us the opportunity to give Mimi the stable and loving family she's been deprived of these last few years. Thank you for your time and please ask me anything that could clarify the situation for you.
Sincerely,
Runa.
>.< I had to edit out a few details and change a few things for identity protection. This really is the roughest draft I think I have ever written but I was mostly just trying to address each of the things I've been told they will want to know.
Also, I made another post below this one about my sister. Please give me all the advice you can and also read that one and give advice!! Pretty please!!
To Whom It May Concern,
My name is _______, I am 24 years old, have been married for almost two years, graduated from _ _ _____ in the spring of 2012 and moved to Austin __ with my husband in the fall of that same year. I haven't come forward to ask for custody of my niece until now because I was concerned about how young you would see me as, and whether you would find my home to be stable for her.
I have been with Mimi since she was born, and our separation only really began when I moved to Japan in the Fall of 2010. When I came back, we had a few short months before she was taken into the system, but I have always sent her postcards, cards, and sometimes letters. I haven't received much in reply, and I haven't sent things too often because I wasn't sure where to send the mail in order for her to get it. From around September of 2013 to recently, I have been able to join in a few phone conversations with Mimi and her mother, thanks to Cin's generosity in calling via three-way.
Currently, I am enrolled in massage therapy school and will graduate around May of this year. My husband will also be graduating with a Masters in Chemical Engineering around the same time. We have lived in Austin for the last year and a half, and will be moving closer to North Carolina after we receive our diplomas and my husband signs on with a company of his choice. Our income is primarily based in my husband's work as a Teaching Assistant and his multiple tutoring jobs. Our typical income is around $30,000 a year. It isn't a lot, but we believe that as long as Mimi's health care is paid for, we can provide a comfortable living situation for her. We hope that in our consistent housing, stable financing, and future prospects, you will be confident enough to at least order an ICPC for our home to see if we are suitable to care for Mimi. We have a bedroom prepared, with everything except Mimi and her clothes.
We truly, sincerely hope you will give us the opportunity to give Mimi the stable and loving family she's been deprived of these last few years. Thank you for your time and please ask me anything that could clarify the situation for you.
Sincerely,
Runa.
>.< I had to edit out a few details and change a few things for identity protection. This really is the roughest draft I think I have ever written but I was mostly just trying to address each of the things I've been told they will want to know.
Also, I made another post below this one about my sister. Please give me all the advice you can and also read that one and give advice!! Pretty please!!
Sister
So I'm not even going to get into the details of all the legalities hubby and I are trying to understand while we vie for my niece (our niece?). I'll just take this post to tell you a little bit about her mother and the type of woman I think she's become.
She's always been attention-crazy, dramatic, and selfish. She used to have better qualities, and I still love her a lot more than I probably should, but for now, I'm going to expound on these. Last night, I jumped to the conclusion that she was going to kill herself. She had been having suicidal thoughts during the day, and she called and left me a message about how grateful she is for what we're doing for Mimi, and she really sounded rather... prepared to die, kind of. I freaked a little. I called brother's house phone two or three times, then bro's cell, and still no answer from either of them. So I gave it a minute, and I called my mom. I said "This might be a false alarm, but I'd rather it be a false alarm than genuine and me ignore it. I think Cin is gonna try to kill herself! I can't get ahold of her, and I've called a lot and no one is picking up and you know Bro isn't always very observant and" in the middle of this jumble of words, Cin called me back. I told mom "That's her, I was wrong, I'm so sorry to disturb you" and switched to Cin.
Cin answered and said something about phone tag (but I'm pretty certain she was on the phone with someone else and just lied to me), and I burst into tears. Cin freaked. "What's wrong? What happened? Are you crying?" and I answered "I t-t-thought you were gonna kill yourself!!!" except I was sobbing (and Hubby says I have a very strange way of crying) so she didn't understand me. I tried again, but her only response was "I can't understand you! Please stop crying! Why are you crying?!" and I was so out of my head that I tried to hand the phone to Hubby. "She can't uberstan be, transrade!" but he didn't catch on fast enough for me, and I tried again. "I thought you were gonna kill yourself! You left that goodbye message on my phone, and you weren't picking up!"
She finally got it. She said she was sorry, that she had had a really hard day, but she wasn't trying to kill herself, everything was fine, would I PLEASE stop crying, she HATES it when I cry.
I couldn't stop. I think I was so relieved to be wrong that it was like a lever was released. I finally admitted that I had been scared to go for my niece because I thought my sister would feel free to kill herself if I did. It took a while, but she promised on our bond as sisters that she would get help and she wouldn't kill herself, and she loved me, she loved that I was going to try for Mimi and eventually we hung up. Hubby says I cried for fifteen to twenty minutes. I don't know if that's accurate (I certainly wasn't counting) but if it felt that long to him, I'm sure it felt longer to Cin. Because she KNEW she was entirely responsible.
If she weren't so flippant about saying she wanted to die, if she weren't so dramatic, if she didn't seem so easy to lose against herself, I wouldn't have jumped to that conclusion. When we hung up, I felt really good about the conversation. She would get help, she knew how much I cared if I would sob into a phone like that, and she would try better for me and her daughters. ....Hm.
Today, I got another phone call. This time she said something along the lines of 'Don't worry about me, worry about your own life, I love you, I'm so sorry for the trouble I've caused you, I'm alone in this hotel, don't worry, I love you, goodbye.' .....Weellllll, that sounds like a cry for help to ME. SO of course I tried to call back, but it wasn't happening. So I texted Chris to know what was going on. She said that Cin told her to tell me to not worry, everything is fine. Even as I began to worry, I started having niggling thoughts. Had my crying given Cin some morbid satisfaction, and made her feel really loved and as though I were really paying attention to her, to the point that she would now play on it? Would she really attempt to manipulate me so much? Well, .....yes, she possibly would. I hope I'm wrong and she wasn't doing that, but I will never know for sure.
Anyway, since I was worried, I texted Chris to call me. Right Now. Of course, she did. But so did Mom. (They both used a phone, since Momma has a house phone) I didn't realize it at first, and so I was confused as to who I was talking to when they took turns speaking in the beginning. When I figured it out, Chris explained that Mom demanded to be in on the convo, and had Chris call me so she could know what was going on as well. I demanded on knowing what had happened in the last day or two (because Cin mentioned something about my probably having heard a hundred different stories about last night and today), and Chris put me off, telling me I didn't need to know, I didn't need to worry about it. Like hell. They both doubleteamed me, telling me it wasn't something for me to worry about, and giving hints. The final story, according to them (but I'm not to let on that I know any of this to Cin) is that Cin has been doing cocaine for a while now. When she comes off the high, she starts getting depressed and talking about killing herself and then she gets another fix and is fine again. They hypothesize that Cin went to a hotel with someone for the drugs, and that's why she's way out there.
Something doesn't fit though. If the cocaine makes her feel right (and I think she's turning to drugs to self-medicate her bipolar disorder/schitzophrenia/PTSD/Depression/etc. She's diagnosed with all of those.) then why did she still sound so weepy and depressed on the message she left me tonight? I mean, maybe she wants attention like I first supposed. But maybe she's trying NOT to take the drugs, so as to keep from disappointing me again, and it's tearing her up and making her feel awful not to be on them. And then maybe she's at the hotel (she told me where she was, which is impressive enough) to gain a little perspective, maybe she went for drugs and realized she didn't want to keep doing this, and she's trying to find the strength to stop. If so, my belief in her is totally necessary, but I can't help having doubts. I really, honestly, wish I had a lie detector that would tell me the truth no matter what she tried to say. Unfortunately there's no such thing, so I'm SOL.
What do you think? What should I believe? Is there anything I should do?
She's always been attention-crazy, dramatic, and selfish. She used to have better qualities, and I still love her a lot more than I probably should, but for now, I'm going to expound on these. Last night, I jumped to the conclusion that she was going to kill herself. She had been having suicidal thoughts during the day, and she called and left me a message about how grateful she is for what we're doing for Mimi, and she really sounded rather... prepared to die, kind of. I freaked a little. I called brother's house phone two or three times, then bro's cell, and still no answer from either of them. So I gave it a minute, and I called my mom. I said "This might be a false alarm, but I'd rather it be a false alarm than genuine and me ignore it. I think Cin is gonna try to kill herself! I can't get ahold of her, and I've called a lot and no one is picking up and you know Bro isn't always very observant and" in the middle of this jumble of words, Cin called me back. I told mom "That's her, I was wrong, I'm so sorry to disturb you" and switched to Cin.
Cin answered and said something about phone tag (but I'm pretty certain she was on the phone with someone else and just lied to me), and I burst into tears. Cin freaked. "What's wrong? What happened? Are you crying?" and I answered "I t-t-thought you were gonna kill yourself!!!" except I was sobbing (and Hubby says I have a very strange way of crying) so she didn't understand me. I tried again, but her only response was "I can't understand you! Please stop crying! Why are you crying?!" and I was so out of my head that I tried to hand the phone to Hubby. "She can't uberstan be, transrade!" but he didn't catch on fast enough for me, and I tried again. "I thought you were gonna kill yourself! You left that goodbye message on my phone, and you weren't picking up!"
She finally got it. She said she was sorry, that she had had a really hard day, but she wasn't trying to kill herself, everything was fine, would I PLEASE stop crying, she HATES it when I cry.
I couldn't stop. I think I was so relieved to be wrong that it was like a lever was released. I finally admitted that I had been scared to go for my niece because I thought my sister would feel free to kill herself if I did. It took a while, but she promised on our bond as sisters that she would get help and she wouldn't kill herself, and she loved me, she loved that I was going to try for Mimi and eventually we hung up. Hubby says I cried for fifteen to twenty minutes. I don't know if that's accurate (I certainly wasn't counting) but if it felt that long to him, I'm sure it felt longer to Cin. Because she KNEW she was entirely responsible.
If she weren't so flippant about saying she wanted to die, if she weren't so dramatic, if she didn't seem so easy to lose against herself, I wouldn't have jumped to that conclusion. When we hung up, I felt really good about the conversation. She would get help, she knew how much I cared if I would sob into a phone like that, and she would try better for me and her daughters. ....Hm.
Today, I got another phone call. This time she said something along the lines of 'Don't worry about me, worry about your own life, I love you, I'm so sorry for the trouble I've caused you, I'm alone in this hotel, don't worry, I love you, goodbye.' .....Weellllll, that sounds like a cry for help to ME. SO of course I tried to call back, but it wasn't happening. So I texted Chris to know what was going on. She said that Cin told her to tell me to not worry, everything is fine. Even as I began to worry, I started having niggling thoughts. Had my crying given Cin some morbid satisfaction, and made her feel really loved and as though I were really paying attention to her, to the point that she would now play on it? Would she really attempt to manipulate me so much? Well, .....yes, she possibly would. I hope I'm wrong and she wasn't doing that, but I will never know for sure.
Anyway, since I was worried, I texted Chris to call me. Right Now. Of course, she did. But so did Mom. (They both used a phone, since Momma has a house phone) I didn't realize it at first, and so I was confused as to who I was talking to when they took turns speaking in the beginning. When I figured it out, Chris explained that Mom demanded to be in on the convo, and had Chris call me so she could know what was going on as well. I demanded on knowing what had happened in the last day or two (because Cin mentioned something about my probably having heard a hundred different stories about last night and today), and Chris put me off, telling me I didn't need to know, I didn't need to worry about it. Like hell. They both doubleteamed me, telling me it wasn't something for me to worry about, and giving hints. The final story, according to them (but I'm not to let on that I know any of this to Cin) is that Cin has been doing cocaine for a while now. When she comes off the high, she starts getting depressed and talking about killing herself and then she gets another fix and is fine again. They hypothesize that Cin went to a hotel with someone for the drugs, and that's why she's way out there.
Something doesn't fit though. If the cocaine makes her feel right (and I think she's turning to drugs to self-medicate her bipolar disorder/schitzophrenia/PTSD/Depression/etc. She's diagnosed with all of those.) then why did she still sound so weepy and depressed on the message she left me tonight? I mean, maybe she wants attention like I first supposed. But maybe she's trying NOT to take the drugs, so as to keep from disappointing me again, and it's tearing her up and making her feel awful not to be on them. And then maybe she's at the hotel (she told me where she was, which is impressive enough) to gain a little perspective, maybe she went for drugs and realized she didn't want to keep doing this, and she's trying to find the strength to stop. If so, my belief in her is totally necessary, but I can't help having doubts. I really, honestly, wish I had a lie detector that would tell me the truth no matter what she tried to say. Unfortunately there's no such thing, so I'm SOL.
What do you think? What should I believe? Is there anything I should do?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)