The Edge

So, it seems like every time I get mad at someone, or someone screws me over, i get closer and closer to this 'edge' i have....this point of 'i don't care about anyone else anymore' that I'm halfway dying to cross, and at the same time, halfway terrified to cross.....It's this state of mind that I can feel drifting along the edges of my anger. I daydream of finally letting go and freeing myself from the restrictions I placed. Just....rolling out, fighting back, throwing what the hell i want to throw, showing my ass in front of whoever the hell i want to. Being completely and irrevocably 'spoiled'. 'Hissy fit' or whatever you want to call it, I dream of it. I imagine being able to grab whatever, not worry about how important it is to someone else, throw it, hurt someone, not feel guilt and regret for hurting them, scream my feelings without having to talk and talk and talk about them to try to get the other person to understand me, and just fight back without being careful of revealing too much about what i know.
I don't really like the idea of other people realizing just how hot-blooded I am, how impulsive I wish to be, how much I hold myself back from others to keep them safe from myself. I look at my hands and see strength that can hurt or help. Or they can stay where they are, and do neither. I want others to recognize me, to see what type of person I honestly CAN be underneath all the niceness and 'let me help you'-ness. My mother thinks my sisters are monsters....they fight it out, punching, kicking, screaming, pulling hair. I want to do that too. I want to let go and do that as well. I feel like I've clamped myself down so much that there's no way anyone else can really peek in and see what else I am. I'm not saying that I'm not nice (though I don't see my niceness in most cases, it feels like common sense to me) and I'm not saying I don't enjoy helping others whenever I can. I'm saying that I can fight, throw priceless objects, punch, bite, scream, whatever. I'm dying to. I want to free myself from the self-control I have. And each bout of anger seems to wear a little bit more of my restraint away. In a portion of my mind, I'm thinking "Yes, yes, just a little more, please, fight more, push me more, fuck me over more, I'm so close!" but the other side is screaming and crying "Stop it! I don't want to hurt anyone! Stop hurting me! Why can't you stop doing this? I don't want to be a bad person!". *blank stare* It's sorta like I have a split personality that isn't split, merely separated. Simply by the way I manage to keep both of them from spilling out, I feel that I'm a strong person. I'm sure I sound egotistical about that. But I do, it gives me confidence and strength when I think of how I can stop myself from tearing into another person with ruthlessness. But in another way, I wonder if I'll ever be able to free myself. Show anyone how ruthless I am, how cruel I can be. It's not a good side of me, but it IS part of me. I'm not a fan of pretending it doesn't exist.
Another way I look at it, more and more often, is how cowardly I am. I'm too scared to hurt others. What if I get used to it? What if I lose people I love because of it? *closes eyes* I hate the thought of hurting others, but....I'm so tired of letting them hurt me. I want them to feel the pain they put me through, the irritation they cause me, the insults they throw at me while they laugh. The Golden Rule works both ways. How long do I need to give them the benefit of the doubt? How long til I can treat them how they treat me? When do they stop being so hypocritical? *sigh* I don't want to hear answers to these questions, I'm sure it'll be the usual "hold yourself up, ignore them, let it roll off your back, it's only for a little bit longer, you're better than that, you don't mean this stuff" I mean it. I'm torn in two about falling over the edge of my anger. I'm so excited and terrified of it. I'm wishing for it and praying it doesn't happen. I'm disgusted at how low I can sink, and so delighted that I'm human and a member of my family. I'm still in disbelief over how damned honorable and conscientious I've turned out to be. What am I, a twentieth century knight? Augh. I guess the point of this post was to 'come out' about just how horrible I am. How much I wish I could be horrible. Opinions? Comments? Questions?

Well, I don't really know what to name this post.....

Some humor courtesy of Not Always Right.com to start things off:

Marital Bliss In All Its Forms, Part 3
Tech Support | Sydney, Australia

(A husband and wife couple have me on speakerphone so that they can get help troubleshooting. I’m typing up some notes while their PC reboots, which they can apparently hear…)

Customer: “Wow, that sounds like a machine gun. ‘That your typing, sweetheart?”

Me: *laughs* “Yeah, it is… I can type pretty fast.”

Customer: “You married at all?”

Me: “Nope, not yet. Why do you ask?”

Customer: “Doesn’t surprise me love, with fingers that fast you don’t need a man!”

Me: *mouth agape*

(Suddenly, I hear a smacking noise followed by the man cursing.)

Customer’s wife: “Ignore Ron… he’s a pig, dear. He’s lucky he’s married himself. I’m sure you’re lovely.”

Customer: “Isn’t it time a house fell on you, my darling wife?”

Me: *mouth still agape*

Yes, that was indeed amusing to me. Next, I've been having trouble with my brother. The one that is ten years older than I am. First, he demands I take him home to get his new SIM card for his phone, and when I do, he makes me wait for forever. So I decide to play with the baby. I'm amusing myself, so when he's ready, I'm not ready to leave yet. So I tell him we'll leave when I'm ready to. Yes, I was being somewhat spiteful, I hadn't wanted to be out of the house today. I was supposed to just help mom with her room today and that's it, but noooooo she sent me all over town running errands for her. But nothing major at all, until he started harrassing me about leaving. Then I told him that if he wanted to cop an attitude he could just stay there, because I certainly wasn't going to let him in my car. He shut up after that, and I prepared to leave. My sister's on her period and feeling closed in because of the kids. *shrug* I did what I could, and then gave it up. Told him it was time to go, and we left. I was listening to the music, so I didn't really notice it til we pulled up at the house, but Bubba didn't say a word the whole way back. Then while he went back into the house (I think he stormed but I wasn't really paying attention to him) I got mom's errands from the back and checked the mail. As I was walking over to the mailbox, I looked up and saw him walk in, and I thought I heard him shut and lock the door. The whole way up the yard I was wondering if he had, and if he didn't know that I had a key and could just unlock it....But as I was starting to insert the key, mom opened the door (yes, it was locked) and ruined my experiment. I held up the key and said "I was opening it" and she said that I didn't need to. *shrug* Then I held up her bags and told her I'd done what she wanted. She mentioned that half of the cigarrettes she made me buy were supposed to have gone to Ninny's house. I'd forgotten, so I turned around after handing her everything else out of that bag and told her i'd be back in an hour. I shut the door instead of listening to her ask me why I'd be taking an hour when Ninny lives two minutes away from us. I just didn't feel like being obedient. I stayed at Ninny's for a bit, petting her kitties that were absolutely loving to the extreme. =_= It was probably the highlight of my day along with walking the baby around. So soft and cuddly....Anyway! I went home to find that Bubba had locked the door again, and so I unlocked it, bringing in the drinks Ninny had given me for Bubba and myself. I called out that I was home and handed Bubba his drink. He accidentally said Thank you, and I told him it was from Ninny, not me. The day went on and the three of us worked on mom's room, moving tons of furniture, during which I proved I could move everything without his help, since he often stopped in the middle and I eventually just told him to get out of my way and did it myself. Later, I threw a fit because I wanted Beef Stew for dinner. Yeah...I've really been craving meat lately.....V______V
So, I ended up driving and getting a ton of groceries for the house.....*sigh* I went over the store twice looking for my coffee drinks, but didn't find it. I also didnt go down the drink isle....I didn't know there WAS one.....When I got home, I showed mom all the stuff I'd bought with her money, and put the soup on. It was made, and we ate while watching 48 hours....blerggggh. Then we watched Busted and Disgusted. It's an interesting show. But Bubba and I argued during 48 hours and he couldn't win against me, (mainly cause I'm rather apathetic) so he stewed in his anger til eventually he went to bed. As he moved past me, he farted in my face, and I yelled after him about how that was uncalled for, and had to explain to Mom what I was yelling about. *rolls eyes* Then she yelled back for him to 'Quit it!'. Yeah....real forceful and scary.....NOT! I feel slightly like I've lost, since my getting upset prolly gave him satisfaction, but the only way I would have won was if I'd literally attacked him and finally beat the shit out of him. And I don't think showing up at work beat up tomorrow would be in my best interest, but hey, I didn't want to not say anything and let him think he got away with it either. Oh well. It's not that important, it was just rank.
I have molars coming in, so my jaw has been rather painful lately. I don't like opening my mouth....X-x....Maya finally climbed up on my bed with me for the first time since having the kittens.
I wonder what's up with bf lately.....he's normally so focused on work, and it seems he's not prepared for his presentation tomorrow, which is amazingly odd for him. But I'm sure he'll pull it together. If I remember right, I hung up with him on Sunday so that he would be able to work on his presentation poster, so.....? *tilts head* Good luck!

I heard Dalila play this song for a girl with a similar sibling situation between sisters as the one that I have with my sisters, so I thought I'd add it in. It suits a ton of my relationships though, so I guess it's not solely dedicated to my family. (excluding Bubba. Once again, that thing was RANK)

Maya had kittens!

It was exciting. It was phenomenal. It was unique. And she insisted on sharing it with me! She followed me every time I left her side from the time her water broke til the first kitten popped/slid/squished out. Coincidentally, I now have carpet burn on my knees. And my legs went numb. Labor is tough. lol. Like I can say anything about that. I have no right to say anything like that, now do i? I've just sat through others giving birth once or twice. But seriously, it was so cramped and I was so uncomfortable....I had to keep massaging her belly, moving the kittens into a better place for her to give birth to them. -_- Though, I wouldn't really mind doing that for the rest of my life. It's amazing. My stomach has been bothering me recently. Egh. And I have a new car. It's red. Insurance is gonna kill me. I got a compliment on the the coloring today by a coworker that gets along REALLY well with me. It makes me happy when I work with her. She enjoys making me happy because of my reactions. Heehee. It seems that females that generally have male freinds tend to get along really well with each other. I'm thinking about selling some of my manga/books, but just the transportation to a bookstore is gonna require some serious arm strength. You never really realize exactly how much stuff you've got til you start getting rid of it. Oh well. Bf and I are fighting about pet care and if they should be in-door out-door, spayed/neutered, etc. It seems that we really disagree on it, and I've already bent as much as I can on that topic. It would be a rather silly reason to break up.....but you never know. Animals are very close and important to me. *sigh* I'm somewhat tired of my computer, and mom and I are in the middle of painting her bedroom anyway, so I may or may not stay off the computer for a while. My court date is this Thursday. I have an appointment to meet with an attorney on Monday. I don't know if I'll be working or not. If I'm working, I'll have to send my mom. I really don't want to do that, but hell, there's no telling what will happen to me. I for sure never know. I have work in the morning, so I'll be off soon. This AMV BLOWS my mind! I really really really really wanna see Code Geass Season II now. SOOOOOO amazing. EEP!!! I still need to finish and return Rozfire's anime!!!! OMGOSH! I'm sorry! I'll get right on that!! Two episodes a day til I finish! At least! >.< Eepers! Sorry!

You know, Aerosmith is REALLY bad to listen to when you're not on good terms with your loved one.....Damnit.....stupid Pandora....Hmph! I'll show you! I'm going to watch/read some porn!!! In your face, Pandora!

Twins

Sometimes, I find myself wondering what I would think of a person if they treated others the exact same way I do. I can't help but think I would hate them within two minutes. I'm always eager to help, but scared and shy about receiving it. I'm always unnecessarily kind to strangers but mean and teasing with people close to me. I always say to speak your mind and try to understand everyone, but I hold myself back from voicing the majority of my thoughts and while I still do my best to understand, that doesn't mean I do it happily. =_= I don't know for sure, but I think my hypocriticalness reaches a peak whenever I come home.

The plot thickens

Yeah...Not really. =_= I worked today, and was supposed to have tomorrow off so that I can REST for once. It was a lie, just like the CAKE! Oh wait, I DID make a cake yesterday. Not one of my best, but still nummy. Marble cake with chocolate icing. Yummmm. Anyway, tomorrow I work from 5 pm to closing. Because someone else couldn't make it in tomorrow. *cries* I just wanna sleeeeeeeeeeeep. So I will. As soon as mom gets back with the ice cream I had my sis make for me. Of course, mom doesn't KNOW she's bringing it back for me. Yet.
I'm sitting here with Chay, while he plays "Destroy All Humans" on the Wii. Soooo lame. Today....today....today.....

Good things:
1. I worked with S, who is perky, Obsessive Compulsive, understanding, and kind.
2. It was relatively calm today.
3. I had no voids.
4. Rozy updated. (YAAAAAAAAAY)
5. I talked to bf.
6. mom cooked real food. Homemade Fries and Manwiches.
7. I got to read a new volume (almost) of Otomen.
8. Had a nice shower.
9. Was told I was good to work with.
10. I had cake for breakfast.

I'm not going to make a list of the bad things. It's only going to depress me. But one thing I feel I should mention is that Mom had me go pick up Ninny today, RIGHT AFTER she told me that I couldn't go ANYWHERE but work and back homme. When I pointed it out, she said "Do what I tell you." =_= So I should be a mindless zombie for her like the Germans were when they didn't question their orders? BTW, I was pretty blase about everything this morning, but the first time I talked with mom, I immediately was angry again, so I'm not sure if it's war or not. I'm definitely not happy, and I'm not prone to listening to her right now, but I still don't have the energy to actually initiate a war. *siiiiiiiiiiigh* I want to sleep now, but I think that everyone is too loud. And waking up in the middle of the night causes me to get headaches. Mmmmm......I'm so annoyed. And tired. =_=.....Buh-bye.



And just for old times sake:

I'm restricted now.

And honestly, logically, I'm glad. It means I can chill out and not do anything. Her damned ass fault. So, today, I thought I had work. I went to work. They told me I didn't. So I ended up on standby today. *shrug* So then I dropped by my sis's place. I'd been promising my brother and the kids I'd take them to the museum for the last month. And today was supposed to be one of the three days that damned museum is open. Well, I go to sis's she takes apart my phone so that she can get her contacts off her sims card, and then asks me to go get toilet paper for her. I had to use the bathroom rather badly, so I do. I also pick up some suckers for me and the kids (and Bubba) and a bandage for my wrist. It's been hurting lately. I overuse it at work. So then I get back, use the bathroom, and we all go to the museum. On the way, Bubba gets nasty with the kids. So I wait for his precious song to end, and then turn the radio off, the better for him to hear me. I told him that he is just as easily dropped off as the kids are. Any fighting means the car is turning around. So everyone cooperates. We get there. And there's a sign on the door saying 'Closed. Will be back at 12:00 PM'. It was 1:01 PM. And no one was there. So that was a fail. And Bubba started showing his ass about a different museum he really really really really really wanted to go to, no matter what. The kids were all "Museum? Where? I WANNA GO!" so I was like, "Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine." I really didn't want to go, but I DID! Because IM A GOOD SISTER!!!! So we get there.....and it's closed on Mondays. Yes peeps, it ALSO was closed. So then I was like, okay look, there's an airplane museum right near here, lets go there. So we go. We get out, I lock us up with the door like I usually do, we get out, take like 3 steps towards the museum, and some nice peeps tell us it's closed. Every Monday. Except Federal Holidays. WTF????? So we go to get back in the car, I realize my purse got left in the car, and I'm like. "Oh shit." I'm dreading it, but I pull on the door anyway, and yeps, the car is locked. With us outside it. So I call my sis, hoping she knows who to call for this. (I was thinking like AAA or something, you know, the peeps you call and they're like, "Give me confirmation number, your car is now unlocked, have a nice day") but NOOOOOO, she tells me mom is back from Alabama, and to call her. So I do. And Mom is like, where are you, how do you get there, bye. I had to use Bubba's phone to call. So then the kids and I wander around a bit, reading the memorandums and such, and an hour or two later, mom shows up. She's like, get in the car, lets go unlock my car. So she unlocks it, loads me up with Bubba, takes the kids, tells me to follow her, and takes off. You know.....it's easier to follow a person when they're not in the fast lane going over the speed limit. Just a note for future reference MOM! But anyway, I know she's mad at me for some reason, she only said it wasn't because I got locked out of the car. So she lets me stew, thinking of all the reasons she could be mad. 1. I drowned her plants (accidentally. I TOLD her not to leave them to me). 2. I didn't clean the house up like I normally do. 3. I drove to three different museums in one day and still had nothing to show for it. 4. Heck I don't know, whatever. It didn't occur to me that she was mad that I drove to a museum at all. Apparently in her warped mind she told me I could only go straight to work and back while she was gone. Because she wasn't here to bail me out when I get into trouble. Because she's a control freak who thinks that I'm not able to do shit by herself. I asked her for gas money before she left. I didn't want to spend the last bit of money I had on gas when I wouldn't be paid for another week and a half. I never said it was strictly for going to work and back. That never entered the conversation. But apparently that's how she took it. In her warped little world, I only wanted to go to work and back for an entire weekend since she wasn't here. *bats eyelashes* Aren't I an adorable sight of family dependency? *sickly sweet smile* ^_^ Fuck off. I have a life. Let me live it. She's such a control freak, what does she think we'll do when she's not around anymore? Fall to pieces? The others might, but I won't. I won't like it, but I certainly won't ball up and be unable to live. I think this will likely be the last summer I spend at Mom's home. It's time I got my own life and my own place to live. She's had too much control over me for too long. Generally I don't care, since I'm too lazy to try to disobey if it isn't interesting, and honestly it's a little scary pissing her off, but in my humble opinion, pissing me off is a greater problem than her. If I'm still mad in the morning, it'll be war. I don't like war. It takes more energy then riding out waves does. It even takes more energy than creating barriers that make the waves flow in different directions does. And I don't like expending my energy. I don't have much left, living here. My stomach is rebelling, my family is pissing me off, and I'm seriously thinking about how much easier it'd be to just move away, cut myself off from them, and live on my own without contacting them. -_- I'd never forgive myself in the future if I did though..... At least, not yet I wouldn't. *sigh* I'll prolly blog again later. Oh, before I forget. I cut someone off for the first time yesterday. It was an accident, I didn't see them, but it was still incredibly educational. Buh-bye.

This video starts off a little slow, but it gets better as it goes on. I like the last minute or so.

Bf didn't blog....boooooo

So today, I really learned that it's a small world.

-The guy I've been training at that new place that's 45 minutes from my house? Yeah, he goes to the same college as me, lived in the same dorm as me, and I'd met him before. We both found this out today, but we met yesterday.
-The manager guy that I SWORE I knew? Yeah....he was my neighbor when I was growing up. His little sister was my 'freind' and she tried to steal my best friend from me. I got a looooong lecture from the other girls in the neighborhood for going in his room one time. My sisters gave him his first drink til you puke experience. V__V Vodka. And he still remembers when I hit him with a stick. Hard. And possibly repeatedly.
-The lady that makes the sushi is from the same island as both the chefs at the other workplace I normally work at. She's really nice, even if it's a little difficult to talk to her.

I baked choco cookies today because I ate mom's Subway cookie. One of them was teddy bear shaped. Yay me.

I watched TV. Series' of it. Just kept staring. It was like marathon day for me.

I finally cleaned my ears with alcohol and feel like they're clean. I've been really irritated by them lately.

Saturday I get my hair done. Yay me. It can't come fast enough. Seriously. COME ON!!!

I didn't get to talk to bf. I feel like I was sposed to contact Rozy recently....*tilts head* Dunno....I'm absentminded.

I cashed my check today, but put the majority of it up. I'm already kinda strapped for cash.

Mom leaves on Sunday to go to Alabama. She won't be back til Tuesday. Supposedly. And Ninny is seriously trying to shove herself up my mom's butt.

I need hugs. I've had like....2. Today. That is wrong. On SOOOO many levels.

I did laundry! Yay! And the suds covered 2/3 of the front of the washer. It was bad. lol.

If I don't blog again, Happy Fourth of July everyone!

BTW

pineapples updated!! Can someone (by this I mean bf) write a comment on her post for me?

"Your optimism is so cute. I hope it's well-placed"

Also, rozy updated! Can someone (by this you know what i mean) let her know this?

"Yaaaaaaaaaaay! You blogged! And every day is interesting! Just look at mine. All I basically did was run errands and read and my day was still interesting to a point. It's the EMOTIONS *fist punches air* that make a day interesting! Love ya"

And again, bf updated

"=_= True blog is below. Love you. I have to work today, but I'll call you when my personal hell is over with. I don't know when. I only know that I go in at 11. Honest. That's all I know."