but as my friend TJ summed up, Ive forgiven, not forgotten. Honestly even I know it wasn’t a huge deal to anyone but me. I like how he and hubby were supportive though. The way they put it that made me feel less like I was making a mountain out of a molehill? Yeah, but you’re teaching her how to treat you as a fellow human and adult, and that’s always important.
You are correct sir! I’m trying not to downplay how important calling her ‘Kaachan’ was to me. To have her demand I call her Mother was a shock. I was only angry for two or so days, and then I was just disappointed. I really don’t like the woman my mom becomes around my aunt. At first she blustered about how it wasn’t important, she was sorry if she hurt my feelings but she’s not Japanese, and even that she would come up there (here?) and whoop my ass if I didn’t stop my nonsense.
My nonsense being my acceptance that she is ‘Mother’ and not ‘Mom’ ‘Momma’ or ‘Mommy’. I was frigidly polite, didn’t argue, said yes mother, okay mother, you do that mother, and hung up. She even texted me asking what she did wrong, and that she didn’t understand what we were even fighting about. I replied to her saying I’d talk to her when she figured out what she did wrong. She told me when I was ready to talk about it, I could call her.
I didn’t call. For the last two weeks, I’ve called her once and it was to tell her we weren’t coming for MJ’s birthday, as family has been a strong trigger for her and we’d rather minimize her breakdowns. I remained frigidly polite and hung up once my message had been given.
She called me yesterday. Apologized repeatedly. Said she’d just been under so much stress that she snapped. She didn’t realize how much it meant to me to call her that. I can call her that if I want to. Let’s make it like it never happened. I told her I can’t do that. She had to think that in some part of her for it to burst out. My days of calling her Kaachan are over. Honestly, I should have stopped years ago when I became an adult, but I treasured the close feeling it gave me. Telling me to change how I address her is saying she doesn’t want us to be close anymore. She vehemently denied wanting that, and said she just has trouble being considerate of others feelings and she’s working on it.
I think it’s fine if she doesn’t want it, but I’ve called her that for 12 years. She hasn’t complained until I said it in front of my aunt. So that’s how it is. I told her I would let it go and she thanked me. She tried to chat with me, but I was running late for a client and gave her a cordial but not close farewell. I could tell she was still hurt by my lack of warmth. She begged me to call her on the phone again, like I used to.
So I actually wrote this blog weeks ago, but my tablet doesn't support this site very well, so I was unable to post anymore. Basically, it's taken some time, but we're almost back to being the usual. I noticed some hesitance from her when we disagreed about something last night. She was talking about how she couldn't believe you could get a scholarship for being gay, and it 'just doesn't seem right'. I told her I disagreed, that often it means a lack of support from parents, and they need all the support they could get. She backed down very easily and we changed the subject, but it's not like her.
Update: My brother hasn't been able to get treatments for a few months now, so they're trying a new treatment as soon as his blood cell count is up again. Mom said that 'if he can't get treatments, that's it. He's done,' and I've been thinking about that. Isn't he already living on borrowed time at this point? Isn't it enough to treasure each conversation and interaction, knowing it might be the last? It's how I've proceeded, at least.
I think it helps a lot that I already went through the massive grieving months ago by myself. I still get sad, but it's very bearable this way. Maybe I'm strange?
