Family Therapy Is In The Cards

Yes, I know 'Is In The' is technically wrong, but it always bothers me when we decide oh, these words aren't as important, lets not capitalize them even though all the others are. Anyway, so as a result of the assessment MJ had a few weeks ago, we are all facing Family Therapy for the next six months (is the expected time length, but I'm fairly sure it'll be longer, as we all have issues, and MJ takes the cake on them all). They do not do Individual Therapy and Family Therapy at the same time, (insurance policy) so we're looking to have more focus on MJ, though it's already been stated that she'll want to work alone with each of us to assess our needs and work through them.

 I think we really relieved her when she was talking about parenting help and counselling and we both started nodding immediately. She's used to more closed minded families that don't think they do anything wrong. We know we need help, but my family says to beat her, and Hubby's family says ....well, not much, as they don't have experience with these issues. Neither is really much help in parenting a child that is so desperate for attention, and so pig-headed at the same time.

We saw 'On the Edge of Seventeen' a few weeks ago. I liked that the protagonist was a legit normal stupid bitch, as we don't often have that happen in movies. I didn't like her, I wouldn't be her friend, but I also really appreciated the honesty of the movie and how life can work. The ending was a little unrealistic, but it was still really good, and Hubby and I both really want MJ to see the movie, because the protagonist reminded us both of her, but it's rated R. It's not that out there, really, but it does have some ....uh, overly honest sentiments of a sexual nature.

 Speaking of, MJ wrote a suicide note on Monday, and 'tried' to commit suicide. What she really did was scratch up our walls, the counters we prepare food on, and scratch her arms twice. As a result, she has to write two pages back and front of two people she's grateful for and has to be able to call them and tell them about it. Bint wanted to write them to celebrities because 'she doesn't feel grateful to anyone that isn't an idol.'

 We asked the therapist we'll be seeing (she'll come to our house twice a week starting in the new year, but for now she'll just check in as she's booked, and going on vacation) about 'how do we punish this??' in regards to her scratching up the walls and herself, and she kinda redirected the conversation in an uncomfortable, I don't know how to answer that, kind of way. I don't really blame her, as the follow up question was relevant, but not helpful for us. Hubbity didn't say much of anything during the entire interview, besides requesting that MJ get a psych assessment to get some medicinal help in controlling her moods. Not to the extent that she came to us in, but enough to prevent the lows from threatening her life.

 Today Hubby had lunch with his parents. I was supposed to go as well, but when he didn't give me a breakdown of the 'where and when' like I asked for, I lost patience and decided to stay in bed. I didn't want to go if there was going to be Mexican food, as my stomach was a little iffy, but since Hubby couldn't tell me what he'd decided on for sure, I got too frustrated to bother asking the same thing for a third time. As a result, when he came home from work tonight, we had a fight and ended up not speaking for most of the evening. We've kind of just pretended it didn't happen at this point.

I went to work, worked on one client, met another new therapist (They just hired four), chatted, had a no show, and got to go home in time to tuck the princess into bed (though that's Hubby's job, cause I don't do it right). I consoled her when she 'sprained' her wrist getting into bed.

 There's been an outbreak of chicken pox at her school, and we don't know if she's had chicken pox already. I vaguely recall having to soothe her when she was little and had some rashes but don't remember if it was chicken pox, so we're waiting for my sister to call so I can ask her. She didn't get it during her time in foster care, which is the only medical records she came with.

 Tomorrow I have tutoring for a Japanese woman, then I'm going to get adjusted and a massage because I haven't had one in five weeks due to getting sick 4 times in that period, and having a cold sore the other week.

 I cleaned up the area around my bedside because I was sick of tripping over things. I was still angry with Hubby while I was cleaning, and I don't like to having people around when I'm cleaning anyway (Growing up, if someone was around, they'd either make a smart ass comment or purposely mess it up for me, so I just dislike it now), so I asked him to leave. I managed to go through my clothes and get the summer/spring ones packed away, and pull out winter clothes. I have a lot of dresses I love. I didn't realize quite how many I had until I was unpacking them all. The closet looks so much better now.

 I bought a selection of wines from brightcellars that is supposed to mathematically match you with the perfect wine for your tastes. It tastes pretty gross unfortunately, and the first sip always numbs my tongue. Does anyone else have that happen? It's always done that to me, actually. I just don't know anyone else it happens to.

 Here's a song I like, though I'm a little confused by all the sex talk considering it's Bruno Mars and I feel like he's becoming jaded.

Yay Keyboard power!

This post isn't likely to have much depth to it. I made advent calendars for MJ and Hubby this year. The suckers took me all night to make, and they're not quite MJ-proof yet. I'm still waiting for her to come in '.....It broke, Can I have a new one?' and I'll have to tell her there's no replacing it, because my brain was fried by the end of the making, and I don't remember half the shit I wrote, only that I tried very hard to be sweet and loving and not 'Get off your ass and do jumping jacks for 20 minutes, and then I'll give you a prize.' We just watched Don't Breathe, and I have to say, by the end of the movie, I hated the female lead, and hoped she would be kidnapped and raped. Don't get it? You gotta see it to believe it. Otherwise, I do recommend the movie, it was well done, and you don't feel the movie is too unrealistic, and there's a hell of a lot of 'Oh shit' moments. I have a cold sore on my mouth again. It only happens when my immune system drops a significant amount. I've been fighting off viruses for three weeks, and yesterday I fell at the end of my interview/lesson, and hurt my ankle and wrist. I'm actually not going to type too much more, because it's straining my wrist. Hubby is reading Angel Densetsu (I told him to), and he's loving it. I think it's a great story, and I'm glad he likes it. Everyone should read it. There's been a lot of songs coming out lately that I think are catchy and nice, though Maroon 5's don't want to know is absolutely hated by Hubby. It's pretty funny, really. Work is going okay, though I'm conflicted about whether I should ask to have my hours shortened until my ankle heals or not. I've begun tutoring ESL with Japanese immigrants who are usually here for their husband/father's work transfers. My Japanese is so rusty!! Ok, wrist is hurting, stopping now. Sorry loves! I really like this one song:

Mjs getting an assessment right now

Some things have come to light that I didn't know, such as her scratching herself with a sharp pencil 'to make the pain go away for a few seconds' because she doesn't like being left out from her friends. I guess they don't realize how easily I can hear them, as they're not moderating their voices at all. I'd feel guilty but I feel I should know what's bothering her. She's back to saying how she doesn't trust anyone, and doesn't tell us things because we're only going to punish her. For the most part, we've moved away from punishments, so I'm a little confused how she can say we're just gonna punish her. I'm seriously thinkning we should get a fidget cube for MJ, as she couldn't stop messing with things while she was sitting at the table.

Facebook, and how it keeps us connected

I've heard a lot of bad about FB, and I also have some complaints about it, but I also think its a very useful tool. Perfect example is this flooding. As soon as people are able to get online, they logged into fb and confirmed they were safe. When I have photos to share with family of our child, I post it to our family's group to keep it private. Of COURSE my sisters don't respect that though, and they post my photos all over the internet when the whim strikes them. They're especially fond of saying ''Look at my cute niece!/daughter!" That pisses me off to no end, which is why I very rarely post photos now. If I wanted everyone's friends to see them, I wouldn't have posted them in the family group. Anyway! It's very helpful though, in that I didn't really even have a face to put with the name of a cousin of mine, and we're now fb friends. This has really helped me to get to know her, and for the most part, I like what I know now. That's kinda rare with any cousins I know. Actually I have two cousins pending because I refuse to friend them again. They had their chance and blew it. Something I really don't like though, is the ads that are now showing up on my feed all the time. I don't always realize it's an ad until I get to the page and it looks like a scam, or I get inundated with emails about stuff I only took out of curiosity. I also don't like the Friend Trolls that scan your page, and complain about what they see. There's an easy option of 'Hiding' me for a while if it gets too much and you want a break. I don't want to hear how it's a waste of your feed space to have a picture with just text. That's exactly what the hell a status message is, it just takes up a little more room. If you need a background of an unrelated flower to confirm to yourself that it's worth reading the message I posted because I found it interesting, you need to go for a walk outside, and appreciate life instead. Hubby says I could just unfriend them, but that feels like losing for one thing, and running away from a challenge for another. Hubby took a shot at shooting down the troll once, and argued back and forth with him about THE PICTURE for far longer than the Troll was worth spending time on. If they really piss me off, I'll just delete their message. Maybe they'll get pissed in return and unfriend me. Sounds like a winning strategy to me! I like being able to watch videos without clicking on them, but it does it silently that way, so I appreciate subtitles even more now. I don't like when the video buffers a lot while I'm basically just mildly curious, so if it takes too long, I'm skipping it. And now, for a long awaited quote: "I prefer the term 'Trumpkin' thank you very much."

I'm an adult! Hear me roar!

TJ came to visit us today. We haven't seen each other in years, and his voice has gotten deeper and softer, so he has to be fairly close to hear him speak. But he's still just as engaging and ready to help as ever, and his sense of humor is still similar to mine, which is a relief, because Hubby and MJ don't share my humor much. Originally I thought he was coming at 3, but Hubby needed more time at his experiment before he could go to lunch with me, so I pushed TJ back to 4, then he texted and said he'd be about 4:30. Turns out he didn't anticipate traffic, so he didn't show until after 5, and while I was waiting for him to get here, I did nervous cleaning, including putting up the Halloween Door Cover I bought, putting a plastic cover on the table in the back porch (no chairs yet, except one I bought for Mummsy who didn't show), stacking boxes, sweeping the front porch, putting out the recycling, and clearing up all the stuff that's been set on my desk. I also had time to put Maya's cat collar (flea and tick protection yay!) on her, and give her a catnip toy for my amusement. While I waited I was thinking with amusement about our nosy neighbors, and how they always have their blinds open, their little boy is staring out the window, and they seem to watch our house whenever we leave or come home. I imagined them having a heart attack seeing me invite an unknown man into the house while my husband isn't home, and entertained the idea they would automatically assume I was having an affair. Realistically though, Hubby was home within 20 minutes of TJ getting here, and I don't know about you, but I would be PISSED if my sex time was limited to 20 minutes of fun, plus shower (shower obviously needed). So I don't think they would think of that. Oh well, it was amusing to imagine what they would do. We made chicken curry for dinner, and of course TJ joined us. I felt bad about making him help us cook, but he says he's been cooking a lot lately, and offered to help. So I put him and Hubby to work in the kitchen with me, and the cooking went by a lot faster because of the entertaining conversation. MJ is intimidated by TJ, but also I think, a little attracted, because she tried hard to impress him during the conversations, and I think it's funny. At one point we were talking about farts, and I mentioned hers, and she shot me such a look that I nearly laughed out loud. She's fun to tease. I ended up showing TJ my Sailor Moon Drops game on my phone, because it's addicting and I wanted to whine about how Hubby (who even now could be on my computer, but has instead chosen to play on my phone) keeps stealing my phone to play it, and draining the battery so it has to be charged every day. I changed the blanket in our bedroom with Hubby's help because he stole the blankets last night, and I genuinely didn't get warm until he got up for work because of it. Now we have a warm, King sized fluffy duvet covering our bed, and I'm surprised by how pretty it looks and how it matches the walls (this is an old blanket we haven't used since TX because it's so thick and warm and we just didn't need it last year). I think that's it for now. Thanks for reading!

After the flood

Good evening Everyone, Welcome to a new episode of 'Talk loudly outside the restroom about Runa using it to stress her out!' In this episode, we face talk of needing to brush teeth, wanting to go to bed, and some mumbled nonsense that is supposedly important for Runa to know. When? Of course, only when she's in the bathroom!On a serious note, I recognize we're the only parents of the group right now. I realize it obviously can be tiresome to read about our hellion and her antics. I do try to think of other topics to talk about, and actually come up with some fairly philosophical ideas, but generally have two reasons not to post them: 1. My computer keyboard isn't working, so I need Hubby's whenever I want to post, and 2. I rarely get comments on my posts, and even more rarely do they address any questions I ask, so I end up feeling frustrated and my serious queries ignored.If you would like an example of things I've been thinking heavily on lately: 1. The racism and hopefully anti-LGBT mindset that is currently tearing at our country are very much temporary. 2. Social development is essential, but does it harm a child more to raise them in approving isolation with few associates, or to send them to a large pool of various beliefs and risk not only public ridicule but possible bullying development in themselves and others. 3. Where does the bullying mindset come from? Is it something we need to stamp out of children, or is it something to be redirected into more positive uses? 4. How does the mental and psychological health of a person show in the body, and can you use that to provide mental and physical therapy at the same time, or would it be counter-productive? 5. How do I get in touch with a psychologist that could pursue future research into the effects of massage on the mental and psychological self with me?These are thoughts that I have been thinking of for weeks, and I feel mentally stopped up because I can't type them out. It requires taking my poor Hubby's computer, and that makes me feel really guilty. Which isn't very conducive to good writing in the first place, but I also feel these serious topics that I genuinely want to have discussions regarding will either be ignored, or given a sweet message/comment showing it was read, but not providing the reader's thoughts to help me further develop my own. Those discussions were what I thought blogging was about, in the beginning. Well, that and basically creating a public diary. It's why I named my blog 'Epiphanies and Quotes'. I haven't done much quoting lately, but I do try to tell about my epiphanies before I lose them. 

When your sleep schedule is dictated by headaches, you know it's a bad day.

Yesterday was a very bad day. It was good in that it wasn't too stressful, but it was bad because I didn't feel good, cut my finger up, and my throat and head ended up hurting far more than I was prepared for. I ended up sleeping an additional five hours in the afternoon, causing my sleep schedule to fall back into the category of 'FUBAR'. I had to call out of work, Hubby had to make dinner, I had to pick up the childling from school (she was 'sick' too), and I had to listen to the neighbors across the street arguing for a while over stupid shit.

Honestly I'm just blogging because I feel guilty that Hubby has blogged three times since my last post. He has me beat.... for now. Mwahahahahahaha.

Lately I've been considering our finances, especially in light of my sisters' requests for money over the last couple of months. I spoke with Jail!Sis, and she knows her 'box of goodies' is her Christmas. Honestly, maybe I should feel more generous towards her, but jail is supposed to be a punishment, and giving her things/money to buy non-essentials strikes me as counter productive. But my other sis and mom are super sympathetic, and say how bad jail is, and I'm just following their lead here, because they would certainly know better than I.

When we were talking last night, she offhandedly mentioned how some girls there cut each other and then drink the blood. It was part of a conversation about my cut finger and MJ nearly using bloody water to make her soup yesterday. She didn't want to get into it, but that was the first comment she's made in a while that actually made me pause and really think 'Oh yeah, jail is for the fucked up or fucked over.' Her current 'release date' is April 8th. She's supposed to take time off her sentence by getting her GED, and by working while she's in there, so it's not a firm release date, but it's a good estimate for now. Also, I accidentally hung up on her when I tried to hold the phone to my ear with my shoulder. Apparently smart phones don't like that. It wasn't like I could call her back, either.

I need to pick up MJ's immunization records and submit them to her school, and get a haircut. I also need a new pedicure. I've been limping since the family went to the museum of life and science (yes, where our prom was) on Sunday. Near the end of it, I realized I could play Pokemon Go there, and caught a couple new pokemon, earned some eggs, and got some pokeballs, but I wish I'd remembered to play it sooner, because we walked all over the damn place, and there were tons of things to hit and find. I caught an Eevee!!! That was singularly exciting.

I've been hearing things lately. I'm sitting here new, hearing phantom alarm clocks going off, and I know it's not real because it got quieter. When I'm going to bed I often hear music under the sound of the fan, and it drives me bonkers. Last night that song 'Starving' was stuck in my head ALL NIGHT AND DAY and now I officially hate it.

The Asian Store near my house has a lot of stuff that I hadn't realized it had before (aisles I'd never gone down- This is why you should at least go down each aisle once when getting acquainted with a new place), and I now like it a ridiculous amount more than I did before. Yay for YuzuLemon Drinks! They give me the Vitamin C without the burn!

Anyway. It's been nice, but MJ's off to school now, so I'm gonna take a shower and head to bed. I really need to get my hair cut. It's getting to the point of making me murderous. Love ya!

Whatever shall I do?

I have a short list of things that need to be completed as soon as possible, like changing the oil, putting together the futon, getting to sleep at a decent hour (not happening), applying to jobs, and getting my foot fixed ASAP so it doesn't hurt to stand, walk, lay, and touch it anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm just gonna tell the doctor (whenever I get in to see them) to lazer the fuck out of it and get it over with.

With that update out of the way, I've had a few things on my mind to post about lately. None of them are coming to mind now though, so I'm screwed. Hubby got Netflix activated for a 'trial' and included DVD rentals, so I rented Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (I really liked it). I hope we watch it tomorrow, though we're putting together the futon and going bowling with some of Mia's friends in the evening so.... May not have time.

Something of note: My keyboard has been 'losing connection' with my tablet, making typing a huge pain the crotch area, so if my comments are infrequent, it's not because I don't read or think, it's because it's not worth the irritation typing is becoming.

I have also accepted another shift during the week for the foreseeable future (or until I get a job that interferes with it). Unfortunate consequence is that my left wrist hurts and itches like a bitch and I can't make it stop. Fortunate consequence is good tippers, more frequent customers, and as always $$$$.

I've been making an effort to cook dinner more, and I genuinely think it helps that MJ doesn't complain as much about how gross the food I make is, and that she's out of the house for long enough that I'm not exhausted by her mere existence by dinnertime anymore.

Speaking of being out of the house, she had her first week of school this past week. She's already found a guy to like, let her friends confess to him, and written him love notes. Theoretically, he likes her back. Also, she says she's popular, and she's surprised enough by it that I believe her. She's also been diligently doing her violin practice, which impresses me, and proves just how much she must have hated my flute, as getting her to practice that was ridiculous on many levels, whereas she's happy to practice this one. She says she likes the school a lot more, and that there's a lot more diversity at this school, which relieves her.

The school looks and sounds like my middle school, so I'm glad and relieved that she fits in so easily. I hope it stays this way, and that we can stay right here for at least the next two years if not longer. Looking up the diversity stats between LG (her previous) and B (her new), LG had a 93% minority rating ( 69% Black) versus B's rating of 76% minority (with 49% Black) really is quite a difference. I don't like that she had trouble fitting into a primarily Black school (as I feel race shouldn't matter besides the level of SPF you need), but that this school makes her happier can't be denied. She's making her own lunches (I check them periodically), getting up by herself, making it to the bus, remembering her key, and basically doing none of the delaying tactics she employed at the other school.

There's been a lot of new music out lately that I find myself liking, so I'll post a few videos.





I really like this one:

Oh for **** sake....

I don't really know why I chose this title, it just amused me.

I've actually had quite a good day, despite my lack of sleep. I ended up going to bed around 7 this morning, only to get up and go to receive a massage around 10:30. So as you can imagine, I've been fairly short on sleep, but my massage was SO GOOD. I'll be going to back to see her again. For sure.

After that, I tried to eat at a Cafe I really like, but the line to the cashier actually went out the door. I stood in line for about five minutes and it didn't move at all, so I chose to try to make it home. As soon as I got on the real road, I felt a desperate rumble in my belly that said 'I am so hungry bitch, if you don't feel me shortly, you WILL be sick.' So like a good Runa, I decided to go to Dunkin' Donuts. Big surprise there: They gave me a free box of munchkin donuts. A big box of 50 of them. Not even kidding, that sucker was super heavy.

Who's a lucky wench? I'm a lucky wench. Drove home, put the sheets in the wash, chopped up veggies for dinner (my hands STILL smell like celery. I made pork roast with potatoes, onions, carrots and celery), then put the blanket in the wash and the sheets in the dryer. Then MJ came home, and told me about the bus being full, and her not recognizing one of her classmates on the bus. He refused to tell her his name, saying she should be paying attention in homeroom, and if she wants to know, she'll have to listen tomorrow.
I thought the kid had a good point, really. Hubby came home and we ate. Then we scrambled to get to the movie we wanted to see in time. We saw Kubo and the two strings. Its quite a family friendly movie, and I laughed far more than I expected. It has some touching moments as well though.

I cant believe I havent posted this song before. Im a little obsessed with it.





On a final note, my keyboard hasnt been working correctly for several weeks now. I hope you'll be kind about any mistakes due to this.  Thanks dears!!

The Crown Tattoo

So MJ's mom is back in jail and has been for a week now. A few days before they caught her at a road block and sent her in for parole violation, she got a new tattoo.

Now without discussing it first, but my husband and I felt that the tattoo wasn't like my sister, and it seemed like the kind of thing a guy would have put on her. We didn't think it was like her at all. Yesterday while I was talking with my mom about my sister, She asked if I knew what the tattoo was about. I mentioned it didn't seem like her, because it was a blueish crown on her R Temple (which is a dangerous spot to get a tattoo anyway), and it seemed like something a guy would have told her to get. Mom scoffed and said yeah, let me tell you.... Apparently Cin has a pimp named King, and the crown is his symbol. Any girl wearing that crown 'belongs to him'. I felt sick and wanted to cry when I thought about it. She's basically sold herself into sexual slavery, and will probably never be free of it, because that tattoo will always be on her face.

Mom mentioned Cin would have to make a lot of changes to get her support, and one of them would be removing that tattoo. My mental retort was 'with what fucking money?' She wouldn't need a pimp if she had a job and money to live. Hubby, when I told him, mentioned that if she'd just gone to jail a few days before, she could have avoided being branded like cattle.

That's the tattoo. I have a couple ideas of how to make it something else, but they all obviously look like coverups. *sigh*And again, that's a dangerous spot for a tattoo. Looking at pricing to have it removed, it'd run about $300 to remove it. I may start setting aside some money so I could offer that as a Christmas/Birthday gift if she wants it.

My feelings.... I am confounded and heartbroken she has become so desperate that she became a full fledged prostitute, and that she has a vulgar enough pimp that he permanently marks them infuriates me. She's beautiful, sweet, and kind. She has so much potential, so much ability, that I think it cripples her. She could do other work, but inevitably feels she could do better, and disdains the menial labor she's able to get (she cant get anything better because of prison records). This ends up with her not gettting along with others, or quitting in a snit. Which damages her reputation even more.

I wonder if she enjoys the sex. I'm sure it's not like the sex I'm familiar with at all, and hopefully even if its unsatisfying, it's quick and/or painless. Looking at her photos from facebook, and reading the micro-expressions around her eyes and mouth, I can tell she's near the edge of tears. I feel like a failure of a sister, that she's come to this, and I've been unable to help her enough. When all else fails, you should be able to rely on your siblings, and I don't feel like I've fulfilled my required duties.

I think..... if she enjoyed her work, I could feel better about it. If she had a pimp that wasn't so vulgar as to mark up her face (for goodness sake, she's 34, she's already going to start losing her looks soon. WHY is he rushing her descent? Why is he making her less attractive?), maybe I'd feel less upset. I don't care that she's a prostitute, so much as I care that she's unhappy. Please tell me you understand what I mean. I really don't care that she has sex with people for money, but I care that I can rarely see a photo of her being happy. I want her to be happy, and while I feel she has so much potential in her life, I understand she's shot herself in the foot so much it looks holier than swiss cheese. This would make most other types of work difficult for her.

I just looked her up online in the correctional facility locator, I'm trying to figure out how to visit her. I am pretty sure I've already told you all that I can't really identify people in photos. I have to have confirmation that the photo is the correct person, so while I'm sure he thinks it's weird, I have to have my husband confirm that the photo is my sister. It actually helps a bit that there's a tattoo on her face to help me see that it's her. The photo was too blurry for me to be sure without Hubby though.

I think the only other feeling I have that should be addressed is this interesting urge to go find her pimp and scream that she's belonged to me far longer than she'll ever belong to him. I want to put a tattoo showing she's mine on her to remind her that her life is, for better or worse, forever entwined with ours, and she should always remember that her actions affect us.

Thoughts, comments? I would greatly appreciate all input, as this situation bothers me rather more than most situations tend to.

Thanks Dears!

We Has House to Rental

Yes, I realize the grammar is abysmal, but it's 4:40 in the morning, and it amuses me. Hubby mentioned I haven't blogged lately. I've been busy sleeping, helping move things, sleeping, reading, applying to jobs, sleeping, reading, sleeping, and unpacking/packing.

MJ says I seem a lot happier since we've moved over to the house. Technically we're in charge of the apartment until this Sunday, but we're taking out time, as we're all tired and sore from all the stuff that needed to be moved.

I really want a futon frame so I can set up a futon couch in the living room and take the plastic off my futon. I think it'll be good to have a couple more places to sit in the house, as well. Besides the dolly and the vacuum cleaner, we're completely moved over now! We just have a bit more cleaning to do at the apartment, and to move those last two things. And throw away any additional trash.

MJ has been very helpful and sweet-tempered for the most part with us this week. The only thing is that Hubby has been snapping at her whenever she shows the least amount of temper, and they both escalate it. That's usually my job, so it leaves me at a bit of a loss. She really has done pretty much everything I've asked of her with little complaint, but Hubby says she's been trying to get away with too much stuff. Frankly, what I'm going to put my foot down on is her repeatedly getting out of bed after her bed time in an effort to stay up later. The other night I caught her reading in bed past her bedtime. I hated that my step dad would take my book and I wouldn't be able to finish it, so I've just moved the books to the study and let her finish them the next day when she gets up. I'm not ever sure if it's something I'd want to punish her for.

I don't want her staying up later for a very simple reason: The later she stays up, the later we have to stay up in order to have sex. And lack of sex means a pissed Runa. Pissed Runa makes a mean parent, so I don't even get why she keeps pushing her luck.

We moved Maya over to the house today. We waited til today because we've bad a massive problem with spiders, and a minor problem with roaches. In fact, I just looked on the wall now and see something brown, but I'm not wearing my glasses. I thought to myself 'Do I want to know? ....No. Do I care right now? .....Nope.' and then went right back to writing because I just don't want to know. The Bug man (literally the company name) came out today and sprayed everything, and said if we see anything that's not dead or dying, to give him a call and he'll spray the house again. He made a comment about 'Women really see everything' in regards to MJ and I telling him where to spray, because we've seen the bugs more. I don't know that it's fair, since Hubby saw the dead roaches long before I did. I just saw the live fucker.

Maya appears to be adjusting well so far. She's joined me in my night wanders, and hopefully she'll crawl in bed with MJ when I go to bed instead of scratching at the bedroom door, since Hubby insists on shutting the door (and even locking it if he can get away with it). I put a flea and tick collar on her, since the back yard has ticks (bamboo thicket), and NC is bad about fleas. She hardly even fought it, which leaves me confused.

I'm ridiculously tired now, so i'm going to bed. Goodnight!

Vacation!

By that I mean, No work for that mean company any more! Yay! I'm taking this week to recuperate, and then I'll start seriously searching for new jobs. I've really enjoyed sleeping in, and just doing massage. They're also willing to let me work additional hours, so if I want to just transition to massage only for my income, I can. I don't think that's good for my body though (my forearms in particular are in terrible shape and nearly need PT, but I'm squeaking by with massages instead), so I dont want that.

Interesting thing happened on Tuesday. We looked over a duplex, and we really liked it. Enough that we asked to fill out the form right then and turn it in. I hope they get back to us within a week so we can arrange to put in our 30 days notice. The only problem is that someone has already put in an application, so she may go with them instead, as they were there first. MJ wasn't with us, but our ratings came up to a nice 85%, so it's above our requirements, and right where I want it to be. The house was designed by an architect, and the rooms are REALLY cool. None of them are perfect square shapes, which makes me happy. There's some cracks in the drywall that concern me, but there's going to a few renovations done before we can move in anyway, so hopefully they'll be addressed then.
There's all kinds of built in shelves, and alcoves all over the house, and I like the layout. The back yard is small, but big enough for us to have a badminton match, so I think it'll be fine. There's a decent sized shed as well, so we have somewhere to store things. The rent is $975, which will be cheaper than our current apartment if we renew. There's only one bathroom, which sucks, but it's a really decent sized bathroom, and we can make MJ clean it everyday to try to keep her clutter down.
Both bedrooms have some cool features, so Hubby and I have been going back and forth about which one we would actually want to use for ourselves. The front room has sliding doors that lead out front, so MJ wouldn't have to go out the front door to get to her bus. It has a lot of natural light, and the room is a bit bigger than the back room, with a huge walk in closet. It also has about six feet of floor to ceiling cork board to hang things up on
The back room is smaller, but it has a built in chest of drawers, an alcove, 3 windows, and a closet with double rows to hang clothes on. There are no carpets, but there's a mud room when you go in, and it has a little heater that stays there, that we could light up in winter to keep warm and chill outside. There is this little weird thing where the first three feet of the living room is bricks, then wood flooring, and Hubby suggested a carpet to cover it up. I like the floorplan of the living room and dining room and kitchen all being one big room, with a bar separating the kitchen from the living room, and a little alcove near the back door that we could use to set things on.

So as you can probably tell, I'm kinda excited about this place, and I hope we get it. There's a couple of other options so far, but I'm not sure we'll like anywhere as much as we liked this one. There was a house across the street from this one that is also for rent, so I think I'll call tomorrow and see how much the rent is, and if we can come look at it. The location is awesome, it's only 7 minutes from Hubby's job by car, and maybe 10 by bus (all the other places were like 40-50 minutes bus ride from his stop), so if we don't hear back from this lady, I would definitely look into the other house. The area is a quiet cul-de-sac, but it's right near the road, and it seems a little noisy. I don't think we'll care that much about that though, as the insulation is really great in the house. Hm. I wonder how well wifi would get through the walls though.... Hn.

Hmmmm..... Life is good. I haven't slipped into any kind of depression over the job fiasco, though I am heavily conflicted about whether I say I resigned, or I was fired, as I gave two weeks, and they terminated me that day. What think you? What would you say?

Meghan Trainer reminds me of my cousin Deanna in this video, especially the hair, but the song too. It really reminds me of her. *tilts head* This cousin passed away two or three years ago, and she was only a year older than me.

Two Weeks

I noticed when rereading my blog post on Tuesday, that I didn't mention that management had made an error that left me without any support on Tuesday, with 20 Work orders, and 15 due that day. It was my breaking point.

So tomorrow I'll be putting in my two weeks notice, via letter/email to management. I still really really want to just say 'efffective immediately, I am resigning.' but Hubbikins disapproves of this, and I know they might need help getting FB sorted before I go. On the other hand, I've apparently screwed up fairly badly with two work orders that is basically leaving me looking like a stupid filthy dog (or at least thats how I'm being treated). They're costly mistakes too, that makes me very upset on behalf of my company, and vaguely resentful towards my client for putting me in this position, because it's basically 'Oh we didn't notice it either until now, but you should have. Since you didn't, you dish out the $6,000 it's gonna take to fix it!' *Grimace*

I don't like leaving on a bad note like this, I wish I could leave as a successful, useful member of the staff, but it's more and more likely they're going to take what knowledge I can offer and then just tell me to leave. At this point, finishing there any day before the 24th is going to be taken as a victory, even if it's a sour, 'get the hell out' situation.

I'm trying to arrange things so that future Team Members for my client have all the resources that I didn't. It takes a bit of planning, honestly, and with my client keeping us above 100 active work orders, it's a little difficult to find time to do it. I do however feel that the more resources they're able to find, the more successful the company will be able to continue to be in the end.

Oh, here's my letter, if anyone has any critiques, please let me know ASAP so I can make them before I send it tomorrow before I head in to work.

To Whom It May Concern,

I, Runa, am tendering my Two Weeks Notice effective 6/11/2016 to Company Name. I have had the great opportunity to learn and grow with this company for the last several months, and while I have enjoyed my time here, I feel it is time for me to explore my horizons in a new field. I have learned so much about Property Preservation thanks to your time and efforts, and I am very thankful for the experience but I feel that I am beginning to stagnate as an employee, and am no longer performing my best work. Rather than give less than my very best effort, I would prefer to end my employment while I am able to give my all.

I am humbly grateful to everyone at Company for the patience, attention, and positive attitudes they have displayed towards my endless curiosity and questions.I came into this position with zero knowledge of what an HVAC is, why water stains are bad, or even how to effectively eradicate mold to a Governmental standard. My current knowledge level is entirely due to the willingness of the staff and management at CPR to check over my bids, identify strange objects in photos, and answering sometimes impertinent or even stupid questions. 

Thank you for the experience, and I wish you all the best in the future. May your company continue to grow until it reaches across the nation and is held up as the pinnacle of professional property preservation. Thank you for your time.

Runa

A lot of my sentences are tongue in cheek sarcasm, actually, as I rarely found support, patience, positive attitudes, or attention unless I fought for it. Many of my mistakes were because someone higher up didn't have time to answer my questions, and the answers had to be given on a timeline that they did not adhere to. Still, I am trying to end it on a positive note. How uncouth would it be to give my two weeks and maybe come in for a day or two and then just stop before the two weeks is up? Really. Because I get the feeling it is either going to be a bittersweet experience, or very bitter, trying, and caustic. I'm nervous. But I'm elated at the idea that I might not have to return to them again. 

So, my Auntie Died last night.

She was really getting on in years. I cried immediately when my mom told me, and though I'm sad, it's not the consuming grief that I felt when Granma died. She died in her sleep, which helps, cause at her age, that's honestly prolly the best way to go.

I've been thinking about it off and on today, and in the shower I realized she was prolly my favorite Aunt. I've always wanted to make her proud of me, and I've always enjoyed visiting with her. It's sad that she's gone, but her mind was already going, so I'm glad she's not unhappy anymore, and maybe she's walking where she is now.

On a less bad note: We visited a duplex today. Rent was $825, but there was some tiny bugs, a broken window pane, and the bathroom downstairs was super tiny. I liked it, but Hubby didn't really. We all rated it at 1 to 10, with 10 being 'Sign me up now!' and it got a combined score of 19, so it didn't pass at ~65%.

That's all.

Depressing thoughts

Hello dears. It's been a while since I've posted. I'm close to the thing that makes me a fertile woman, and it's caused me to have some rather depressing thoughts, like how overweight I am, how ugly, how lazy and useless, and how horrible in general I am. I don't know if anyone gets this experience once a month, where you self-hate for nearly a week, but I am *not* enjoying it.

Even as I'm having the thoughts, I combat it with 'I'm overweight, but I'm very healthy. My well-check showed my only issue is a lack of good cholesterol, and everything else is actually really good.' or 'Well, maybe I'm not pretty to me, but Hubby thinks I'm beautiful. That means I have to be at least a little attractive.' or 'I work really hard at two jobs, and I still try to do things with my family, instead of collapsing and sleeping whenever I'm at home.' or 'I'm useful! I can do lots of things others can't.' or 'I'm sadistic and mean, that's true, but I'm still a pretty good person overall.' but even as I'm combatting it, my mood just sinks lower and lower.

It's depressing. In other news, the munchkin is taking on more and more of our mannerisms, and it's kinda fun to watch. She'll open her mouth and Hubby Jr or Runa Jr will pop out and shock us. It's fun to see what she 'catches' from us.

I feel like I'm getting a little overwhelmed working two jobs, and I'm thinking of trying to switch to a bank job that's still doing preservation work (since I've gotten all trained up, after all). I think they would offer comparable pay, and i'd be able to see my job from the opposite side, and they'd prolly not work me as hard, and have more days off and more reasonable expectations of 'working at home'.

Unfortunately, I don't see myself quitting until the owners come back, and they'll be gone for nearly a month. I'm not sure why, but there's rumors of the Head Man getting sick, so maybe that's it. On the plus side, they gave me a second dependable minion to chuck work onto (not really, she's just very dependable, and she's on thin ice since she caused a $20,000 mistake, so I have to check over all of her work). On the minus side, my client tried to make us install an HVAC for free (at our own cost) because 'we didn't report it missing on the damages report' but I did report it was missing. I didn't bid to replace all the appliances, why would I bid to replace the HVAC, especially when it's out of my crew's scope? Doesn't make sense, so I am disputing it, and I hope I win, because damn it, that's like $6,000 to complete. I reeeaaaally don't want to deal with that.

Hm. I could talk about how we're trying to find a new place to live, and stopped by an apartment place that was pretty nice, but a little expensive, and the homes were little lame and the windows were kinda scary, but overall it wasn't a bad place, but I don't really wanna. Teehee. Talk to you later.

It's our Anniversary today.

And since we didn't plan to celebrate it (something about year four just seems kinda lackluster), neither of us got the other gifts. Instead we went on a Vacation with my company this weekend to North Myrtle Beach. It was fun. Lots of swimming, free food, unwanted alcohol, and child being her normal whiny bitch self. We went to a store called 'Break Out' where we attempted to get out before the serial killer caught us. We all died. It was super convoluted. Lol.              

Anyway, I'm actually posting because I got another letter from the Past Runa. I just wanted to share, because it was a great letter to receive. Thanks for reading!

Dear Future Runa,

The last letter was unexpectedly fun to read, so I have high hopes. It's our 3rd year anniversary today, and I just got my job scaled back for kinda being incompetent, though I followed normal procedure, so don't think it's entirely my fault.
MJ lives with us, and wants us to be Mom and Dad, but still refers to us as Auntie and Reb. Has that changed? How is she? Please tell me she's not pregnant....
Speaking of, are you pregnant yet? Or is it still not a good time? The condom slipped off today, so maybe I'm getting pregnant right now? I guess you'll know much better than me.
Cin is in Jail, and expecting to get out at the end of July. Did she? What is she doing now? Have you been able to arrange visits between her and MJ?
Maya is still a whiny kitty, and I can't wait to get a house that she can be an indoor outdoor cat in. And I can't wait to move out of Austin. There's nothing here worth staying for, we're just waiting for somewhere worth leaving for.
Is your heel fixed? I'm getting a lot of flak for having that 'cut' on the bottom of my foot, but I can't exactly help it, can I? I visit the doctor on Monday to see if s/he can get it fixed up. I hope so.
Don't stress yourself out, and don't worry too much. I know it can be hard, but you're a naturally positive person. You love deeply, you feel strongly, and you're logical to a fault. You deserve every good thing that's happened to you, and all the bad are just ways to make you stronger and give you a wider range of experiences. Understand and admit when you're wrong, but don't beat yourself up more than you need to either. You're beautiful, sweet, intelligent, and earnest. Fuck the other people (besides Hubby and MJ and Maya). Well okay, you should only be fucking Hubby, but you know what I meant by that.
I love you, Future Runa, just as I know you love me. We're gonna be fine. Teehee?

~Past Runa

I have a moral dilemma on my hand.....

One hand in particular. You see, I went to the doctor on Thursday (Finally, I've been trying to go for weeks), to have him check out this hard bump on my hand. He glanced at it, poked it, called a wart, but said I needed to see a dermatologist to check it out and see what exactly it is, because they just classify it as a wart if its hard, and a blister if it's soft. Regardless, it hurts like a bitch when there's pressure on it, it's at the base of my thumb, and it is constantly being irritated by the massage work I do.

Now the moral part: It could be contagious if it's a wart, so I should. not. be. touching. clients. with. it. Except it's been six weeks since the damn thing formed (apparently a drop in immune system lets them form, like cold sores), and I didn't take any precautions before this because 1. it's super hard to keep a band aid on the damn thing because of where it's located, and 2. It looked nothing like the typical warts I looked up online. Even now, it looks more like a blister to me, but Hubby says it looks like a wart now (I've irritated the shit out of it experimenting). So my dilemma: It's mothers day weekend, calling out could mean i lose my job, especially if i'm not able to come back in until this wart is gone. I did cover it with a bandaid and tape today while I was working, and changed the bandage between each massage after rewashing my hands, but again, that irritated the shit out of it. So I'm trying to remain ethical, but the reality is more difficult than school really shows you.

Thoughts, opinions?

Now she's trying to skip.

Child needs to learn to plan these things out. If you're planning to skip because you're 'sick' you need to start prepping days beforehand. 'Mum, I don't feel great....' 'Oh, just the one serving for me please, my stomach is a little off.' or 'It's kinda hot/cold in here, isn't it?' a couple days beforehand, sprinkled out and slowly becoming more apparent until the day you planned to skip: "Uuuurgh. I think I'm gonna throw up! Do you have anything for my stomach? And my ears.... they feel like they're ringing... No, no, I'll go to school. Wouldn't want to miss it.' And BAM. 'No. Get your ass in bed. You're sick.' ITS NOT THAT HARD.
Her half-hearted 'My stomach and head hurrrrrt' the morning of? When she was well enough to eat spicy food and ask for ice cream the day before? Hah. Not likely, childling. I drove her to school, and was twenty minutes late to work.
She didn't even protest when we demanded she get up and ready for school. She knew she was caught. *shakes head* As Hubby says, she's in the phase of testing us.

Her mother isn't helping. She keeps asking if she can talk to MJ, and if she can stay the night, and spend time with her before she goes back to jail. We said she could come visit for a few hours (it will have to be in public), but we're not going to Mom's for mother's day (I have to work both Sat/Sun), and we're not letting her stay the night here. I was wavering on that, because she's my sister (For you that have siblings, imagine being unable to offer your little/big sister a room to sleep in for a night or two because your partner doesn't feel it's safe. Not a pleasant feeling, makes you guilty and feel like an awful human, even if you agree logically with your partner) and she really needs help. But after this phone conversation, when she admitted she's on a balcony in FL on the 22nd floor, and has been to multiple beaches in the last few days 'because it was offered to her' and suddenly I'm a lot more wary. She was offered something generally means they had a use for her. Whether as a user, as a warm body, as a helping hand, etc. is unknown, but drugs are likely involved. *sigh*

"I took my clothes off to please you. You can use your clothes to please me.'' My response when Hubby told me to stop using his shirt as a napkin.

End Post

X-Rated post

Those days when Hubby fucks me so hard that I can hardly stand, and have to slowly stagger around, I remember a goal I have. A goal I will one day realize.

I am going to truss him up like a turkey, and fuck him just like this, until he can't move around either. That day shall be glorious. That day shall come. And he will not see it coming til he's tied up and getting prepped. Beware you bastard, because if I have to hobble like an old woman, you're gonna hobble like an old man.

I have a goal. And it WILL happen. End post.

I finally blew up at Hubby

He hurt my feelings when I was trying to show him the street I want to live on one day. He wasn't listening to me (He said I didn't sound like I knew what I was doing), so I set the GPS, which he then ignored. We both ended up frustrated, so he turned to me and said 'I'm just gonna head home, ok?' and at that point, I was like 'Yeah, that's probably best. I don't want to do this if you're this unenthusiastic.' so I said it was fine.

I considered waiting til we got home to have the 'you hurt me' discussion, but since it wasn't that big of a deal at the time, I figured it would be a good chance to show MJ a constructive way to argue. Yeah, that blew up about how you'd expect. Hubby completely shut me out, didn't communicate, and frustrated me so badly I ended up yelling at him. MJ ended up near tears asking for me to just give up, because she 'doesn't want us to break up'. I told her giving up would mean a divorce, because I truly feel once you give up on someone, your relationship is kinda doomed. Hubby frustrated me so much that I have fairly well given up on any progress on the 'finding a house to rent' front. If he wants us to find a home, then he can fucking do it. I'm tired of forcing myself down his throat.

I'm really just tired in all kinds of ways.  I've talked to him about this, but I don't know if he truly understands how much I've been forcing myself. I don't like being the only one texting, or the one to start the texts all the time, and after he doesn't reply, I get lonely, especially if it's hours later before he replies. Hell, by then I've forgotten the conversation.

I've been trying really hard to limit how much I'm eating, and what I'm eating, but he warns me when I do eat something he doesn't think of as 'healthy' or if it's not at an 'appropriate' hour. He's only done that a couple of times though, so that's not too much of a big deal, but it's certainly frustrating.

If I don't ask about what they think of dinner, they certainly don't tell me 'It's good'. That kinda tells me the food is bad. If you have to fish for compliments, you're not doing it right. That's frustrating and kills my urge to cook. What's the point of cooking if people are just gonna silently eat it? Or worse, if they're gonna exclaim how it smells gross. Thanks dear. I feel very encouraged to make food more often.

If I do clean something, it's pretty funny, but hubby doesn't notice. I don't bother pointing it out when I do things anymore. If he notices, great. If he doesn't, it doesn't matter because I didn't do it for his approval.

He says I'm overly critical, and I certainly agree. I've been biting back comments about why he hasn't vacuumed the floors for over a week now. It's burning at the back of my throat but I think I've managed not to say anything. Not that it matters, because as a developing shrew, I can find fault in most anything, especially if I did it. He thinks I'm overly critical of him, but it's really everything. I've reined myself in an amazing amount (in my over-inflated opinion), but the important thing is that I'm still bitching about what he doesn't do right. Or what MJ doesn't do right. I just want the jury to be aware that I do try to be less critical.

It's funny. Our relationship is turning me into a shrew. MJ is turning me into a bitch. And I'm turning myself into a bitter cynical woman older than her years. It's great. At this rate, I'll become my mother in no time. Except for the kids part. I guess MJ will be enough on that front.

I want children, but he says we aren't financially ready, and to a point, I agree. But it's not likely that I'm going get pregnant the first time we forgo a condom. It's likely to take a while, honestly. But yeah, I guess we shouldn't even risk it until we're well-established, have money saved up, and a home to raise the baby in. My biological clock doesn't agree though. It argues quite vehemently, actually. Oh well. It's just my body fighting me. Nothing new.

Hubby has a terrible habit of making me guess his thoughts and feelings. It's a recurring argument that we have every couple of months/years. That's how deeply his silence has run. It invades our daily life all the way in.

He didn't realize that he makes me hate myself when I turn into a nag. That I hate myself when I end up yelling at him or Mia. I've done a lot of yelling today. Mia had the gall to say that she wished she'd never been born. And I asked if she really wanted to fuck with me today, and she was brave enough to say yes. She soon learned her mistake, and seems far happier now that I've lectured the shit out of her. By the end of it, she was pretty much 'Yes ma'aming' me to death. Not the 'I'm not listening' type either, but the 'I'm thinking about what you're saying' type.

I've been trying hard sodas lately. They're alcoholic sodas, like 'The Best Damn Root Beer' and 'Over The Barrel Cream Soda'. The Sodas so far have been.... interesting. Like, I really liked 'Not Your Father's Root Beer' but I don't like the other two I just mentioned.... at all. I have a six pack of Cream Soda that I'm heavily considering giving away. =.= Eh, I'll drink it eventually.

I feel a little left out at work, because everyone drinks. So I've tried to find things that I like that are alcoholic, but the search isn't going too well, and it feels a little bit like Hubby is judging me every time I drink. After asking Hubby, apparently he just wonders if I'm ever going to get drunk again. He says it was hilarious. He thinks that now. I don't think he felt that way then.

HOW DO THEY DEAL WITH THE CONSTANT URGE TO PEE WHEN THEY DRINK?!?!?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.

I nearly quit today.

I'm fed up with my silly day job lately. It's extremely stressful. To give you an idea of how stressful: I take medicine to keep from getting heartburn daily. I had so much anxiety today that my medicine is no longer working. This medicine is no joke, it could poison you if you overdose on it, and my anxiety kicked its a**. Anyway. How I feel now....well except the fucking around:


I got written up at work for undercutting a bid and basically costing the company close to $700 dollars with a bid approval. There were a couple things that weren't my fault, but it started and ended with my mistakes, so I can accept that I f**ed up. I don't like how they did it though. Basically, I don't approve of public humiliation, and 'this is what I can't stand about you' being used in a work-place setting. They tell me that I'm killing them because I'm underbidding, but he only really gave me a good idea of how high I need to be bidding within the last couple of weeks. This bid was in February. And there's no clear answer given about 'Well what if I've done this with other bids without realizing it and we get those back?' even though I did specifically ask about it.

I did find a solution for the templates being off though: I can send the 'correct' version to the Training Coordinator (who I don't really like), and he'll fix it for me. The crews are getting frustrated with the templates not having everything they need to supply, and I'm frustrated with it too. I have two new girls that I'm trying to train, while I'm getting chewed out, while I'm trying to learn more, while I'm trying to get work submitted on time. I don't have time to check over each work order they send out to be sure they've written out all the instructions for a work order.

I really feel like I'm wasting time at this job. I wanted to stay for at least 6 months, and I'm technically nine days from that. But in the next four days, I'm required to put a deposit down for $150 on a Family Vacation my company is sponsoring, and if I leave, get put on probation, or get fired, I will lose that deposit, and it's too late to say no. Honestly, I was ready to walk out at the end of the day today and just never come back. After having a talk with the Training Co. and the Hiring Manager though, I felt a little better, and like I could keep trying.

EVERYONE except the owners admit my client is a bit**. EVERYONE admits that this client is THE WORST, and that they are really hard to work for. If I thought they would let me, I'd ask to be transferred to a different department like Vendor Management or Quality Control so I don't have to work with this client anymore, but I am literally the only one trained for them, as anyone I get trained leaves. ;__; I don't want this client. I don't like working for them because they are so damn persnickety.

Ahahaha, that reminds me. The Training Co. mentioned something like 'You've stated you're interested in becoming a Team Lead so...' and I guess I made a funny face, because he said 'You DO want to be a Team Lead, right?' and I shrugged a shoulder at him. I don't want to be a Team Lead. It's really not worth it. 80 hours a week, less than $30,000 a year, and constant abuse from the managers? No thanks. I'm not that hard up for cash.

Hubby says I need to at least give a two weeks notice as it looks bad on me otherwise. I can honestly say that of the 10+ people that have left this company, I can think of literally ONE that gave notice. And she was able to do that because she was moving away to further her schooling. I've already spoken with my previous supervisor (who has also quit and did not give two weeks notice), and she's promised to give me a good recommendation. With her recommendation instead of the company's I don't really feel that I need to give two weeks notice, but I guess it would keep me on better footing if I was ever desperate enough to go back to them.

It just feels like there's strings attached to EVERYTHING. At my massage job, if we leave the company in the next six months, we'll have to pay back the $250 dollars that the owner is forking over for us to be trained in oncology massage. I don't think it's fair to enslave us for six months, but I also agree that it's fair that if we take that training elsewhere and not contribute it to the company he deserves recompense. I just don't know that 12 CEUs is worth six months of work.

I would really appreciate everyone's input about this. I spoke with rozfire this weekend when we had lunch together (It was yummy and fun! She gave me some super cool books that I've been glancing through multiple times a day), and she said I should start searching for another job, but not quit until I find one, because job hunting can take months. My experience with job hunting is that it takes anywhere from 1-3 months for a job that isn't massage. I can get another massage job within two weeks for sure. The next job on my list is reception/secretary, and with the training I've gotten at this company, I feel much more prepared for a secretary position.

Awwww... Old People love! This was a touching video. The song is okay.

5 minute Post

I'm limiting myself to 5 minutes because it's late and I'm tired. For Caitikins: Yes, I feel overwhelmed quite often, but I actually find doing massage to be refreshing. I think partially it's because I've missed helping people, and partially because I already know if I feel ill-used, I can leave that job and look for another one at any time. Like-wise with CPR, I'm prepared to just stop at any time, and with that little thought, I'm able to weather the pressure much better than I would if I felt stuck with no wiggle room. It's like when you're trapped and can't move your limbs versus being trapped in a room. You'd really freak out a LOT more about the first possibility than you would the second.

Also: I'm pretty sure CPR lied to me about making me a team lead, and after talking with my now 'retired' previous lead today, I am seriously doubting whether I would want to be one anyway. She said you're required to take your labtop home each night, you're responsible for any mess-ups, and you're expected to work as many hours as necessary for no increase in pay over 80 hours. And apparently yes, you do work 80+ hours regularly. And the pay was 'In the 20s, but definitely under 30' and since it's salaried, I believe that means 20-30 thousand a year. So I'm like 'Yeaaaaah, that won't work for my family and me....'

So Hubbikins tends to think I'm angry at him when I'm just hurt. I let him think I'm angry because at least he has ideas of how to handle the anger, and that way he won't hug me and make me cry. For example, I am super discouraged because he semi-scolded me like 'I thought you were gonna put in more effort to be healthy if you survived to 26' was the basic gist of what he said. And I was so discouraged because I changed my habits as soon as I made it to 26. Yes, we've eaten out, but I've been choosing the healthier options as much as possible. Yes, I had some chocolates today, but I ate 1/3 less for dinner (pizza/breadsticks) than I normally do, and I didn't have dessert yesterday at all. I made my smoothie with no sugar, and when I was given a super sweet and creamy coffee today, I poured half of it out (a little more than half, honestly) and filled it with pure black organic coffee instead. Instead of watching a movie or show with dinner today, I made Reb take us the park, where we ate outside and talked about our days. Then we went shopping for an hour, which counts as exercise to me, because it's standing and walking (and kinda excruciatingly painful). So anyway, I'm making efforts, and it's discouraging that he doesn't see it yet. That's fine though, it's not for him, it's for me, and I keep my promises.

So this is over the five minute limit I set..... Teehee..... Gnight. >.<

First day at work

I started my new job today. My side massage job. I worked from 11 to 4, with an hour break between 1 and 2. Ironically, during my break the power went out repeatedly due to some outages in the area. It was weird. On my way home, I noticed some traffic lights were out too, and that's pretty dangerous, so I tried to be careful, but I was really tired.

Originally I was fully booked, but in the end, I massaged two clients, had my break, and then massaged one client and was done. It was a good thing too, cause I was super tired, and I'd gotten hungry again, and I was nervous about whether my clients enjoyed my massage, as none of them seemed interested in coming back to me. ;__;

When I got off early, I came home, called Hubby, and told him to grab the littlin and we would go pick up groceries (since we needed milk). Shouldna done that.... I was hungry so obviously we bought way too much. Interestingly I picked up an avocado (I don't like them at all), opened it tonight with dinner, and ate some. I even made a yummy dip with it that I'll eat with my sashimi tomorrow at work. I don't even like avocado, but I still ate that sucker and said it tasted good.

Anyway, after the grocery store trip of doom, we came home, I immediately went to shower, and then while 'decompressing' I couldn't stay awake. So Hubby made dinner and then came to lay with me for a bit to wake me up. It felt so gooood. One thing about myself that even I know is really weird: I like to sleep diagonally across the bed, with my head on Hubby's pillow. My pillow is better, but I still want Hubby's. *shrug* It's weird. I don't need all that room (as proven today, when I slept in a bed topped with all sorts of stuff and didn't disturb any of it except what I moved to lay down initially), but I like the positioning.

I'll be working tomorrow at CPR from 9-4, coming home, picking up Reb, and then going to the massage job from 6 to 9. I may get home in time to tuck in MJ, but I'm not sure. I'm really concerned that I won't have the energy necessary to handle both jobs, though in my head it doesn't seem like a lot of work. It's generally 9-10 hours of massage, and I think they're hoping I'll up my hours to include another week night eventually. I'm willing to give it a try for sure, like a month/2 month long trial and see where I'm at.

I didn't finish reading the article, because it's just so in-depth and I'm so tired, but this is an interesting article detailing how millennials are changing the idea of monogamy and sex for our generation, and working toward gender equality by making promiscuity equal. It's actually rather interesting.
http://www.rollingstone.com/feature/millennial-sexual-revolution-relationships-marriage

Finally, two things: First, I forgot to mention on the previous post that I'm supposed to be getting trained up to be a Team Lead, which is essentially a Manager. So hopefully that will also translate into a raise, and additional benefits or something. Every day is a toss up, like 'Is today the day they push too hard and I quit?' or 'Is today going to one of those days where everything is awesome?' We shall see. We shall always see.

The other thing is my birthday plans. My birthday coincides with Easter this year (the weekend at least. A part of me is still mentally saying 'SEE MOMMA. TOLD YOU THIS HAPPENS. SUCK IT.' but the rest is like 'Ooh, cool, let's see all the celebration stuff we can cram into this one weekend.
Things I want at my birthday this year:
~ I want Papa to grill steaks and stuff.
~ I want a Pinata. Filled with eggs. That have candy or money inside. And instead of using a bat, I want to use a sword.  Yeessssssss.
~ I want a couple gifts. New bras, for one thing. I'd love a bamboo pillow, and I'm thinking of buying matching ones for me and my brother, since his birthday is this week. Otherwise.... I know my family doesn't have much, and I'm not all that inclined to be like 'gimme gimme'.
~ I would really like for family to not fight, and to not try to push their bounds, but we know that's going to happen, so it's wasted want.
~ I want candles on my birthday cake. (Don't care what type, so long as I get cake. I guess marble or chocolate?) We bought some today at Food Lion. Yay!
~ I want an easter egg hunt. Teehee?
~ I would love some balloons to mutilate and use their innards for my amusement.
~ I'd like my siblings there. Without me having to transport them. Seriously.

Hm. Writing it all out, I don't feel like I'm asking for a whole lot. Maybe I'm just not seeing all the effort this will take? I dunno. I'm kinda looking forward to it though.

And yep, I'm done for now.

I've been holding things close to my chest lately.

And I think it's because I'm worried that it'll be taken away if I talk about it. I'm not sure where the idea came from, or why I seem to be holding tight to information about myself, but it's become a bit of a worrisome thing. I don't mean to. So lets see if I can expound on some things that are relatively 'new'.

1. I'm sort of anxious because I've always thought I would die before I hit 26. So in my mind, I'm a little bit 'I have less than a month left' and I'm getting jittery about it. I don't know why I'm so convinced, I just know I am.

2. Recently Hubbikins applied to two massage jobs for me. I had phone interviews with both places, and a practical at one. The one I had the practical at, offered me the job as soon as I finished up the massage and was cleaning up. It was quite flattering. I was caught off guard and said yes. You see, I did want to get back into doing massage, but I wasn't sure I wanted to do much of it yet. It's really hard on my body. So when they offered, I HAD to say yes, or they may never give me a job later, and it's a place I would enjoy working at in future. I'll be honest. I felt a little resentful towards Hubby because I wasn't planning to start back at massage, and I felt forced into it. I know he was only trying to help, but this is going to be a hell of way to jump back into it.

3. I went in for training today on my new massage job. It was interesting. I like the place, I like the benefits, I'm leery about the pay. My estimates are roughly showing that without tips to supplement my massage, I'll be paid something between $16-24 based on the type of client, and the type of massage, etc. That's really low for me, and I'm not sure I'll be willing to stay for that amount. I'll give it a couple months though. The people have been very nice so far, so I'm hopeful.

4. I'll be working there Mon/Wed from 6pm to 9pm, so I *might* make it home to tuck MJ into bed at night those days. I'll also be working a weekend day, but while she wants me to work this Sunday, she said she wasn't sure if she would keep me on Sundays.

5. We're doing our taxes on the 19th, and then driving to my Mom's place for Chay's birthday. I already asked for that weekend off at both work places, so that's good.

6. I'm hoping to have a barbecue at my parent's place the weekend after that (Easter weekend) to celebrate my birthday. I asked Hubbikins to talk to my parents about it, but he didn't do that yet. When I just got off the phone with my mom, I asked her about it, and she said she'd be fine with hosting my birthday 'party' but that Hubby hasn't mentioned anything to her. I'm unhappy that I had to mention it. I feel egotistical and dirty for arranging my own birthday barbecue, but it doesn't look like it'll get arranged if I don't do it so I'm sucking it up. I want to enjoy my birthday.

7. I've recently realized that if I only wore what I wanted to at home, I'd dress like a slut all the time. Tube tops, slinky dresses, fishnet stockings, flowy dresses and high heels amuse me and make me feel rather free. Not free like sensual, just free to be me. I try to keep those clothing choices to a minimum though because I feel like it could set a bad precedent for MJ. I'm not doing it to dress sexy, I just like how they don't feel restrictive.

8. I tried to arrange to go to the doctor, but it didn't work out. I needed an insurance card, and we won't have that for another week or two, and I'm working every day for the next two weeks after today. It sucks. I'm not as nauseous as I have been for the last few weeks (I think I accidentally poisoned myself), but I still feel like I'm a little sick, and I need a check-up. I haven't had one since before we moved in July.

9. I've been thinking about moving to a new location. Mainly because I still want a house, and I want Hubby to be able to get to work with or without a car without any issues. Right now I've been driving him to a bus stop and he takes two buses to get to work but it takes him about an hour to get to work every day. I don't mind driving, but if I drive him straight to work, I inevitably hit two or three traffic jams on my way to work, which is in the opposite direction. Basically, my job is fifteen minutes east, and his is about fifteen to twenty minutes west. It makes for a lot of driving.

10. I'm getting desperate to read something good. I've tried to satisfy myself with fanfiction, and some of it is satisfying enough that it settles my urge a little, but.... I need more. I have books to read, but I have a nasty habit of not being able to sleep if I haven't finished the book, and I don't have enough time to sit around reading a book or more in one day.

11. I put Hubby in charge of teaching MJ to make mexican food yesterday. I've told him how frustrating it is, and he's kind of been ....less than supportive about the difficulty of it. Guess what his ass did? He ended up making it himself! I was like 'You just entirely defeated the purpose of the exercise, and you let her win by letting her think that if she whines enough, she'll get out of cooking!' I'm so frustrated by that. Next week is going to be hellish because of his decision to do it himself. He said she couldn't do it, but I've had her make the meat before, I've had her make rice before, and the beans just needed to be heated up, and I started that for her! She knew how to make ALL OF IT. I've ALREADY TAUGHT HER. She basically PLAYED him, and he made it out like 'Well that's too hard for her.' Uh, no. She knows how. She just didn't want to because she didn't get to choose what she was making.

12. I basically decided that if she doesn't tell me what she's making by Sunday, I'll be choosing her meal to make. I've been wanting spicy food, so I went for mexican this time. She's been pretty set on making frozen food for her dinners lately, and to me, that's not really cooking. That's grab and ping (Ping being the microwave timer going off saying when to take something out). Don't get me wrong, Grab and Ping has it's uses and there's times that it is MUCH better to go for ready made. I actually prefer ready made mashed potatoes to real mashed potatoes because of the heat, the steam, the danger, and truthfully, instant tastes a little better.

13. My mom just got off her liver medicine on Sunday. She's doing really well. Something about her Hepatitus being cured or put into stasis or something. She doles out the information piecemeal so I don't understand it all. I'm just glad she's done with it. She's gonna have foot surgery next month, she says. Then after that, she may have hip surgery. I'm not sure. She wants to get 'fixed' so she can do more. It's her choice, I just wish Papa took better care of her when she's sick/healing.

I'm sure there's other stuff I haven't shared, but I can't think of much. I hope this gave you all a little insight into what's been going on lately. Thanks for reading!

I like this song:

Hisashiburi!

So I've noticed lately that my Japanese is gettin really rusty. I reach for words and can't recall them. I think I should fix this, but without someone to practice with, I lose motivation. :( It sucks.

Also, sorry I haven't posted in so long. I think about posting fairly often, but it never happens because I'm brain-dead by the time I get home from work. Speaking of work, there have been some changes in the past month that seriously made me consider leaving. I'm still considering it, but I'm not as serious about it because, as hubby says, I have a strong chance of promotion. And I told myself I would commit three years to this company if possible when I first got hired. I don't want to give up, you know?

So the changes: We hired a lot of people, and we had at least three new hires join our team....only to quit that same day. We had an ice day, and my supervisor didn't make it in, after a half a week of being too sick to come in. The owners chewed her out via email, and she chose to resign rather than deal with their accusations. So I lost my team lead. That same week, I lost the other two team members that had as much experience as I did. And then it was down to me and the new girl that was being trained on FB with me. I commenced to finish up her training. She's still slow, but that just takes experience to increase. It's just been me and her dealing with all of my client's issues (and boy do they have issues), and I basically stepped up into the team lead role, and they didn't say anything against it. *Shrug* My mom keeps clamoring for me to demand a pay increase, but I feel like those should be offered, not demanded. I don't feel that I'm underpaid yet. Once I begin to feel that way, I may mention it to the owners, but until then, I'm good. I'll probably demand it during Grass Season, when we're expected to get upwards of 40 work orders cleared and submitted a day. Until then, I'm fairly content.

I'm nervous about tomorrow, because I'll be giving a massage for the first time since we've moved back. Its completely a relaxation massage, low on pressure, high on technique, but I'm nervous because the person I'll be massaging has never had one before, and we're trying to barter with each other. I'm nervous, but I can do it! I want to be able to barter for services! This is the first step!

Lately I've been feeling sick in the mornings. I don't get hungry immediately like I used to, and no matter what I eat (believe me, I've tried several different things) it all ends up upsetting my stomach and sends me running for the bathroom at work. It's very annoying. I figure if I'm gonna end up sick regardless (as it appears I will), I may as well eat what I want to. And no, I don't think I'm pregnant. I think it's because I accidentally poisoned myself with Peptobismal Tablets last week. :S Did you know that if you take too many, you're supposed to call poison control? I took three because two never seems to be effective for my heartburn, It turns out it seriously messes with your digestion if you take too many, which makes sense because it lowers your acidic content in your stomach, which sends food that hasn't been chemically broken down into your bowels, which aren't prepared to take them in that state, so not much is absorbed, and it just ends up getting pushed out sooner. If you know what I mean. Like I said, not pleasant.

So beyond that, I did a lot of little things for my Mom for her birthday, and it worked up to her bragging about it to my siblings in front of me, and I hated that. I didn't say anything to mom because it's her birthday and I didn't want to scold her on that day. It made me regret being so generous. My brother is mentally about 10 years old. He's likely to pick her a flower, or give her a gift from his own collection of toys, but not to take her out and buy her whatever she wants. My sisters don't have enough money to pay rent, let alone actually blow money on their mom. To rub the fact that I'm 'thoughtful' enough and 'well off enough' to do that is just crass.

My sister's getting impatient to talk to MJ. I wouldn't mind, but MJ is grounded for the next month for mouthing off to her teachers and us because we didn't pay enough attention to her. Not to mention, my policy has been to call Cin when MJ asks to speak to her, and not otherwise, because it leaves MJ unsettled and unhappy to talk to her mom otherwise. *sigh* I'll have to initiate it tomorrow for MJ because Cin is supposed to meet the other kids tomorrow.

I know there's been a lot of things that have happened recently, but I dont feel particularly open to sharing right now.... One thing is that Hubby is sending me massage jobs in the area near his new work place fairly regularly, and I'm a little unsettled. I'm unsure if he just wants me to have that option open to me, or if he genuinely wants me to leave this job, or if he just wants me to take on a second job in addition to this one. It'd be nice to have that cleared up.

So how was everyone's Valentine's Days? Hubby and I dropped off the littlin at my mom's place, went on a date to see DeadPool (AWESOME movie, btw), and basically got laze around for a weekend. It's nice to be able to lay in bed all day. I should know. I did that today. Hubby got me dark chocolate covered cherries and flowers, and my gift was to not get him anything. This sounds weird, I'm sure, but I spent a lot of money on gifts for him over Christmas and his Birthday a few weeks before, so I think he appreciated not worrying about my denting our account further.

Yeah, I'm done for now. Thanks for listening!

MJ made dinner today!

And we weren't poisoned! Yay! She made beef lasagna from the hamburger helper box. It wasn't bad, actually, but while I was eating it I was almost sick because I wanted veggies so much more than I wanted meat. There were no veggies at all, just pasta and meat and sauce and ugh. Next week she's planning to make spaghetti.

Heheheh. I just remembered part of her cooking today. So basically when she cooks, I sit in the kitchen on my laptop and 'supervise' while she works things out. She usually starts out trying to get me to do everything for her, while I just blankly stare at her until she does it herself. Perfect example: "Where's the pan?'' *Blank stare* She looks on the wall where it hangs. ''Oh. Got it.'' Eventually she starts getting into the groove of it. I check on her, let her know when the meat is cooked properly (I don't want to die), and actually supervise once she stops trying to play stupid. Well today she was stirring and she asked me to prepare the milk for her. I glanced at her, decided it was a fair request, and prepared it for her. She kinda laughed and said "This is just like when you're cooking and you make me help you! It's fair!" I laughed and agreed. I don't mind helping a bit, and it makes her more confident to know I'm watching over it.

I do want to say, if you got me a gift and I haven't thanked you for it, it isnt because I don't like it or anything like that. I'm actually struggling really hard to get over my inferiority issues. I'm pretty sure everyone's aware already, but just to reiterate: I have a near crippling fear that I am constantly bothering someone if I contact them. I don't think my mom's clear 'Yes, I'm busy, if it's not important hang up' methods help that. It's kinda cool though that I actually have called my sisters this week. Yes, they called me first, but I actually called back, which is way more than I usually am able to do. So yes, I liked everything I received, and no, I am not purposely ignoring anyone. I'm just gathering courage.... slowly. :/

Mia decided on her own that this video was too explicit for her. Sometimes it tickles me how innocent she can be.


I like this song, but she looks so tense that I don't enjoy the video. It's a good attempt to be funny, but it doesn't suit my tastes.


I like this one too. I didn't watch the video because I didn't want to get disillusioned.

We had a hiring seminar today

It was pretty awful. Less than half the registered participants showed up, and it cut into our work time so severely that I was still working at 5:30 when I should have been off at 4 p.m. My timer clock automatically logs me out at 5 though. In addition to that, the new office (we moved into it this week) is ridiculously creepy when you're there alone. So at 5:20 I said fuck it all and took my work home with me. Got stuck in traffic and didn't get home til after 6 p.m. when it typically takes about 12 minutes to get to work. Then while MJ made dinner for the first time (with liberal help from me to prevent accidental poisoning), I worked to meet my daily requirements.

I was basically told to have all of these things done by the time I come in tomorrow, so I pretty much worked for 3 hours of overtime to do it, and only got paid for one of those, but I got it all done. I don't even care about getting paid for overtime, honestly. I just genuinely don't know if I'm just that slow, or if I'm being taken advantage of. It's really hard to see if my abilities are increasing, stagnating, or decreasing since they keep changing my daily tasks. I know last Monday I was sick as hell but still came in, and my production was super low, but I was nearly back to normal the rest of the week. I think they're holding that against me.

The motivational speaker today talked about how everyone has greatness in them, and light, and that they could beat the darkness. He invited questions, and I asked about tips to be a better speaker. He seemed to think I was asking personally, but I'm actually a good public speaker. It's one-on-one conversations where I struggle, or where I try to make myself understood clearly but only end up confusing people. That's nearly fatal in this industry.

He asked us why we work for CPR (or want to). He asked what we wanted out of it. My answer was basically: Money to provide for my family.... What was our passion and how could we bring it to bear on CPR? For example, if your passion is fashion, you could put on a fashion show for CPR. I was like 'You sound SO stupid.' but played along since it kinda felt like our jobs were on the line. He apparently specializes in reaching Millineals (People born between 1986 and 2006) but while it was interesting, I didn't think it was very inspiring. I am thinking about suggesting we get a secretary to screen phone calls though. It's very detrimental on our job performance to constantly have to answer the phones when it's often not our client or property.

Since MJ is now 12, she has to cook dinner on Wednesdays. I'm going to be helping her for the first month or two, but after she gets comfortable with the stove and some easy meals, I'm going to ease supervision until she can cook by herself. It's something I wish my mom had done for me. Learning to cook while being a newly-wed is a bit of an exercise in frustration. MJ found it frustrating too, but when she started raising her voice at me, I told her to come stand in front of me.

I talked to her about how this is training for the rest of her life, and I'm here to help her learn so she can be self-sufficient later. I'm doing this to help her, and I don't deserve her frustration and yelling at me. After that talk, she didn't yell again, but she did ask a lot of repetitive questions that could have been answered if she read the instructions on the box, so I got annoyed.

We got MJ's eye prescription today, so I'm going to take her to get her glasses. If I don't do it tomorrow, Hubby can do it on Friday, so I'm not too stressed about it, but I would dearly love to get off work on time for once.

So, confession time-
First confession: my new office creeps me out SO BADLY that whenever I'm alone, I nearly cry. It's scary and creepy and I hate it. I called my mom today because I was scared and shaking and felt so unhappy being there alone. She told me I was being a baby and it was time to put on my big girl pants, since I didn't have a clear reason of why I was scared. She hypothesized that I recognize being alone is a big responsibility, and I have to get used to it.
Second confession: We need the money from this job, but every time they give me work above and beyond what I'm 'used to' especially when it makes me stay over-time, I think about quitting. When we changed offices this week, we apparently also outgrew the manager that hired me. I REALLY liked her, and felt like she was the only one fully on my side, so I was very upset to hear that 'she quit because she couldn't handle the work-load'. Now they have me basically handling her client, but they always tell me about it halfway through the day, and I end up having to stay overtime. It's frustrating.

Sorry we didn't post about our holidays. It wasn't the best holiday I've ever had, though I certainly enjoyed the hotel we stayed at. Oh, lemme share our Christmas Eve prank: So my sisters were worried about me, because we were going to a hotel none of us had been to before, and it was 30 minutes away, near the prostitute section (301). When we got there and I got online, I saw they were on FB, and they both messaged me basically telling me to get my ass in bed, gotta be up early the next day. So I got annoyed and decided to screw with them.
I basically said 'HELP THERES PEOPLE BANGING ON THE DOOR' and when my sister replied with "That's what you get, I told you not to go to a hotel!' I responded with 'NOW THEYRE LAUGHING! SHIT!' My other sister then joined in, and added 'SEE?! Get your ass back home!' Being the intelligent person I am, I responded 'I'M TOO SCARED TO LEAVE!!!! SHIT!!! NOW THE CAR ALARM IS GOING OFF!!!!!' and one sister (MJ's mother) said 'Where you at? I'll get a ride and come get you!' I then let them in on the joke. 'Just kidding! I'm laid out on my comfy King-size bed in this fairly clean hotel with good-smelling sheets.' One sister laughed her ass off, but the other one (again, MJ's mother) was upset. She repeatedly told me the next day that 'It wasn't funny!' but I'm still grinning like an idiot when I remember it. I ultimately blame Hubby. It was kinda his idea, but I did choose to write it and then run with it. He thought I was too over the top with my 'acting' and would get discovered. Hah, joke was on him. And my sisters. It was fun. Ok, I'm done now. Thanks for reading!

This seems relevant: