He hurt my feelings when I was trying to show him the street I want to live on one day. He wasn't listening to me (He said I didn't sound like I knew what I was doing), so I set the GPS, which he then ignored. We both ended up frustrated, so he turned to me and said 'I'm just gonna head home, ok?' and at that point, I was like 'Yeah, that's probably best. I don't want to do this if you're this unenthusiastic.' so I said it was fine.
I considered waiting til we got home to have the 'you hurt me' discussion, but since it wasn't that big of a deal at the time, I figured it would be a good chance to show MJ a constructive way to argue. Yeah, that blew up about how you'd expect. Hubby completely shut me out, didn't communicate, and frustrated me so badly I ended up yelling at him. MJ ended up near tears asking for me to just give up, because she 'doesn't want us to break up'. I told her giving up would mean a divorce, because I truly feel once you give up on someone, your relationship is kinda doomed. Hubby frustrated me so much that I have fairly well given up on any progress on the 'finding a house to rent' front. If he wants us to find a home, then he can fucking do it. I'm tired of forcing myself down his throat.
I'm really just tired in all kinds of ways. I've talked to him about this, but I don't know if he truly understands how much I've been forcing myself. I don't like being the only one texting, or the one to start the texts all the time, and after he doesn't reply, I get lonely, especially if it's hours later before he replies. Hell, by then I've forgotten the conversation.
I've been trying really hard to limit how much I'm eating, and what I'm eating, but he warns me when I do eat something he doesn't think of as 'healthy' or if it's not at an 'appropriate' hour. He's only done that a couple of times though, so that's not too much of a big deal, but it's certainly frustrating.
If I don't ask about what they think of dinner, they certainly don't tell me 'It's good'. That kinda tells me the food is bad. If you have to fish for compliments, you're not doing it right. That's frustrating and kills my urge to cook. What's the point of cooking if people are just gonna silently eat it? Or worse, if they're gonna exclaim how it smells gross. Thanks dear. I feel very encouraged to make food more often.
If I do clean something, it's pretty funny, but hubby doesn't notice. I don't bother pointing it out when I do things anymore. If he notices, great. If he doesn't, it doesn't matter because I didn't do it for his approval.
He says I'm overly critical, and I certainly agree. I've been biting back comments about why he hasn't vacuumed the floors for over a week now. It's burning at the back of my throat but I think I've managed not to say anything. Not that it matters, because as a developing shrew, I can find fault in most anything, especially if I did it. He thinks I'm overly critical of him, but it's really everything. I've reined myself in an amazing amount (in my over-inflated opinion), but the important thing is that I'm still bitching about what he doesn't do right. Or what MJ doesn't do right. I just want the jury to be aware that I do try to be less critical.
It's funny. Our relationship is turning me into a shrew. MJ is turning me into a bitch. And I'm turning myself into a bitter cynical woman older than her years. It's great. At this rate, I'll become my mother in no time. Except for the kids part. I guess MJ will be enough on that front.
I want children, but he says we aren't financially ready, and to a point, I agree. But it's not likely that I'm going get pregnant the first time we forgo a condom. It's likely to take a while, honestly. But yeah, I guess we shouldn't even risk it until we're well-established, have money saved up, and a home to raise the baby in. My biological clock doesn't agree though. It argues quite vehemently, actually. Oh well. It's just my body fighting me. Nothing new.
Hubby has a terrible habit of making me guess his thoughts and feelings. It's a recurring argument that we have every couple of months/years. That's how deeply his silence has run. It invades our daily life all the way in.
He didn't realize that he makes me hate myself when I turn into a nag. That I hate myself when I end up yelling at him or Mia. I've done a lot of yelling today. Mia had the gall to say that she wished she'd never been born. And I asked if she really wanted to fuck with me today, and she was brave enough to say yes. She soon learned her mistake, and seems far happier now that I've lectured the shit out of her. By the end of it, she was pretty much 'Yes ma'aming' me to death. Not the 'I'm not listening' type either, but the 'I'm thinking about what you're saying' type.
I've been trying hard sodas lately. They're alcoholic sodas, like 'The Best Damn Root Beer' and 'Over The Barrel Cream Soda'. The Sodas so far have been.... interesting. Like, I really liked 'Not Your Father's Root Beer' but I don't like the other two I just mentioned.... at all. I have a six pack of Cream Soda that I'm heavily considering giving away. =.= Eh, I'll drink it eventually.
I feel a little left out at work, because everyone drinks. So I've tried to find things that I like that are alcoholic, but the search isn't going too well, and it feels a little bit like Hubby is judging me every time I drink. After asking Hubby, apparently he just wonders if I'm ever going to get drunk again. He says it was hilarious. He thinks that now. I don't think he felt that way then.
HOW DO THEY DEAL WITH THE CONSTANT URGE TO PEE WHEN THEY DRINK?!?!?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.
Friday, April 22, 2016
Monday, April 11, 2016
I nearly quit today.
I'm fed up with my silly day job lately. It's extremely stressful. To give you an idea of how stressful: I take medicine to keep from getting heartburn daily. I had so much anxiety today that my medicine is no longer working. This medicine is no joke, it could poison you if you overdose on it, and my anxiety kicked its a**. Anyway. How I feel now....well except the fucking around:
I got written up at work for undercutting a bid and basically costing the company close to $700 dollars with a bid approval. There were a couple things that weren't my fault, but it started and ended with my mistakes, so I can accept that I f**ed up. I don't like how they did it though. Basically, I don't approve of public humiliation, and 'this is what I can't stand about you' being used in a work-place setting. They tell me that I'm killing them because I'm underbidding, but he only really gave me a good idea of how high I need to be bidding within the last couple of weeks. This bid was in February. And there's no clear answer given about 'Well what if I've done this with other bids without realizing it and we get those back?' even though I did specifically ask about it.
I did find a solution for the templates being off though: I can send the 'correct' version to the Training Coordinator (who I don't really like), and he'll fix it for me. The crews are getting frustrated with the templates not having everything they need to supply, and I'm frustrated with it too. I have two new girls that I'm trying to train, while I'm getting chewed out, while I'm trying to learn more, while I'm trying to get work submitted on time. I don't have time to check over each work order they send out to be sure they've written out all the instructions for a work order.
I really feel like I'm wasting time at this job. I wanted to stay for at least 6 months, and I'm technically nine days from that. But in the next four days, I'm required to put a deposit down for $150 on a Family Vacation my company is sponsoring, and if I leave, get put on probation, or get fired, I will lose that deposit, and it's too late to say no. Honestly, I was ready to walk out at the end of the day today and just never come back. After having a talk with the Training Co. and the Hiring Manager though, I felt a little better, and like I could keep trying.
EVERYONE except the owners admit my client is a bit**. EVERYONE admits that this client is THE WORST, and that they are really hard to work for. If I thought they would let me, I'd ask to be transferred to a different department like Vendor Management or Quality Control so I don't have to work with this client anymore, but I am literally the only one trained for them, as anyone I get trained leaves. ;__; I don't want this client. I don't like working for them because they are so damn persnickety.
Ahahaha, that reminds me. The Training Co. mentioned something like 'You've stated you're interested in becoming a Team Lead so...' and I guess I made a funny face, because he said 'You DO want to be a Team Lead, right?' and I shrugged a shoulder at him. I don't want to be a Team Lead. It's really not worth it. 80 hours a week, less than $30,000 a year, and constant abuse from the managers? No thanks. I'm not that hard up for cash.
Hubby says I need to at least give a two weeks notice as it looks bad on me otherwise. I can honestly say that of the 10+ people that have left this company, I can think of literally ONE that gave notice. And she was able to do that because she was moving away to further her schooling. I've already spoken with my previous supervisor (who has also quit and did not give two weeks notice), and she's promised to give me a good recommendation. With her recommendation instead of the company's I don't really feel that I need to give two weeks notice, but I guess it would keep me on better footing if I was ever desperate enough to go back to them.
It just feels like there's strings attached to EVERYTHING. At my massage job, if we leave the company in the next six months, we'll have to pay back the $250 dollars that the owner is forking over for us to be trained in oncology massage. I don't think it's fair to enslave us for six months, but I also agree that it's fair that if we take that training elsewhere and not contribute it to the company he deserves recompense. I just don't know that 12 CEUs is worth six months of work.
I would really appreciate everyone's input about this. I spoke with rozfire this weekend when we had lunch together (It was yummy and fun! She gave me some super cool books that I've been glancing through multiple times a day), and she said I should start searching for another job, but not quit until I find one, because job hunting can take months. My experience with job hunting is that it takes anywhere from 1-3 months for a job that isn't massage. I can get another massage job within two weeks for sure. The next job on my list is reception/secretary, and with the training I've gotten at this company, I feel much more prepared for a secretary position.
Awwww... Old People love! This was a touching video. The song is okay.
I got written up at work for undercutting a bid and basically costing the company close to $700 dollars with a bid approval. There were a couple things that weren't my fault, but it started and ended with my mistakes, so I can accept that I f**ed up. I don't like how they did it though. Basically, I don't approve of public humiliation, and 'this is what I can't stand about you' being used in a work-place setting. They tell me that I'm killing them because I'm underbidding, but he only really gave me a good idea of how high I need to be bidding within the last couple of weeks. This bid was in February. And there's no clear answer given about 'Well what if I've done this with other bids without realizing it and we get those back?' even though I did specifically ask about it.
I did find a solution for the templates being off though: I can send the 'correct' version to the Training Coordinator (who I don't really like), and he'll fix it for me. The crews are getting frustrated with the templates not having everything they need to supply, and I'm frustrated with it too. I have two new girls that I'm trying to train, while I'm getting chewed out, while I'm trying to learn more, while I'm trying to get work submitted on time. I don't have time to check over each work order they send out to be sure they've written out all the instructions for a work order.
I really feel like I'm wasting time at this job. I wanted to stay for at least 6 months, and I'm technically nine days from that. But in the next four days, I'm required to put a deposit down for $150 on a Family Vacation my company is sponsoring, and if I leave, get put on probation, or get fired, I will lose that deposit, and it's too late to say no. Honestly, I was ready to walk out at the end of the day today and just never come back. After having a talk with the Training Co. and the Hiring Manager though, I felt a little better, and like I could keep trying.
EVERYONE except the owners admit my client is a bit**. EVERYONE admits that this client is THE WORST, and that they are really hard to work for. If I thought they would let me, I'd ask to be transferred to a different department like Vendor Management or Quality Control so I don't have to work with this client anymore, but I am literally the only one trained for them, as anyone I get trained leaves. ;__; I don't want this client. I don't like working for them because they are so damn persnickety.
Ahahaha, that reminds me. The Training Co. mentioned something like 'You've stated you're interested in becoming a Team Lead so...' and I guess I made a funny face, because he said 'You DO want to be a Team Lead, right?' and I shrugged a shoulder at him. I don't want to be a Team Lead. It's really not worth it. 80 hours a week, less than $30,000 a year, and constant abuse from the managers? No thanks. I'm not that hard up for cash.
Hubby says I need to at least give a two weeks notice as it looks bad on me otherwise. I can honestly say that of the 10+ people that have left this company, I can think of literally ONE that gave notice. And she was able to do that because she was moving away to further her schooling. I've already spoken with my previous supervisor (who has also quit and did not give two weeks notice), and she's promised to give me a good recommendation. With her recommendation instead of the company's I don't really feel that I need to give two weeks notice, but I guess it would keep me on better footing if I was ever desperate enough to go back to them.
It just feels like there's strings attached to EVERYTHING. At my massage job, if we leave the company in the next six months, we'll have to pay back the $250 dollars that the owner is forking over for us to be trained in oncology massage. I don't think it's fair to enslave us for six months, but I also agree that it's fair that if we take that training elsewhere and not contribute it to the company he deserves recompense. I just don't know that 12 CEUs is worth six months of work.
I would really appreciate everyone's input about this. I spoke with rozfire this weekend when we had lunch together (It was yummy and fun! She gave me some super cool books that I've been glancing through multiple times a day), and she said I should start searching for another job, but not quit until I find one, because job hunting can take months. My experience with job hunting is that it takes anywhere from 1-3 months for a job that isn't massage. I can get another massage job within two weeks for sure. The next job on my list is reception/secretary, and with the training I've gotten at this company, I feel much more prepared for a secretary position.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
5 minute Post
I'm limiting myself to 5 minutes because it's late and I'm tired. For Caitikins: Yes, I feel overwhelmed quite often, but I actually find doing massage to be refreshing. I think partially it's because I've missed helping people, and partially because I already know if I feel ill-used, I can leave that job and look for another one at any time. Like-wise with CPR, I'm prepared to just stop at any time, and with that little thought, I'm able to weather the pressure much better than I would if I felt stuck with no wiggle room. It's like when you're trapped and can't move your limbs versus being trapped in a room. You'd really freak out a LOT more about the first possibility than you would the second.
Also: I'm pretty sure CPR lied to me about making me a team lead, and after talking with my now 'retired' previous lead today, I am seriously doubting whether I would want to be one anyway. She said you're required to take your labtop home each night, you're responsible for any mess-ups, and you're expected to work as many hours as necessary for no increase in pay over 80 hours. And apparently yes, you do work 80+ hours regularly. And the pay was 'In the 20s, but definitely under 30' and since it's salaried, I believe that means 20-30 thousand a year. So I'm like 'Yeaaaaah, that won't work for my family and me....'
So Hubbikins tends to think I'm angry at him when I'm just hurt. I let him think I'm angry because at least he has ideas of how to handle the anger, and that way he won't hug me and make me cry. For example, I am super discouraged because he semi-scolded me like 'I thought you were gonna put in more effort to be healthy if you survived to 26' was the basic gist of what he said. And I was so discouraged because I changed my habits as soon as I made it to 26. Yes, we've eaten out, but I've been choosing the healthier options as much as possible. Yes, I had some chocolates today, but I ate 1/3 less for dinner (pizza/breadsticks) than I normally do, and I didn't have dessert yesterday at all. I made my smoothie with no sugar, and when I was given a super sweet and creamy coffee today, I poured half of it out (a little more than half, honestly) and filled it with pure black organic coffee instead. Instead of watching a movie or show with dinner today, I made Reb take us the park, where we ate outside and talked about our days. Then we went shopping for an hour, which counts as exercise to me, because it's standing and walking (and kinda excruciatingly painful). So anyway, I'm making efforts, and it's discouraging that he doesn't see it yet. That's fine though, it's not for him, it's for me, and I keep my promises.
So this is over the five minute limit I set..... Teehee..... Gnight. >.<
Also: I'm pretty sure CPR lied to me about making me a team lead, and after talking with my now 'retired' previous lead today, I am seriously doubting whether I would want to be one anyway. She said you're required to take your labtop home each night, you're responsible for any mess-ups, and you're expected to work as many hours as necessary for no increase in pay over 80 hours. And apparently yes, you do work 80+ hours regularly. And the pay was 'In the 20s, but definitely under 30' and since it's salaried, I believe that means 20-30 thousand a year. So I'm like 'Yeaaaaah, that won't work for my family and me....'
So Hubbikins tends to think I'm angry at him when I'm just hurt. I let him think I'm angry because at least he has ideas of how to handle the anger, and that way he won't hug me and make me cry. For example, I am super discouraged because he semi-scolded me like 'I thought you were gonna put in more effort to be healthy if you survived to 26' was the basic gist of what he said. And I was so discouraged because I changed my habits as soon as I made it to 26. Yes, we've eaten out, but I've been choosing the healthier options as much as possible. Yes, I had some chocolates today, but I ate 1/3 less for dinner (pizza/breadsticks) than I normally do, and I didn't have dessert yesterday at all. I made my smoothie with no sugar, and when I was given a super sweet and creamy coffee today, I poured half of it out (a little more than half, honestly) and filled it with pure black organic coffee instead. Instead of watching a movie or show with dinner today, I made Reb take us the park, where we ate outside and talked about our days. Then we went shopping for an hour, which counts as exercise to me, because it's standing and walking (and kinda excruciatingly painful). So anyway, I'm making efforts, and it's discouraging that he doesn't see it yet. That's fine though, it's not for him, it's for me, and I keep my promises.
So this is over the five minute limit I set..... Teehee..... Gnight. >.<
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