I finally blew up at Hubby

He hurt my feelings when I was trying to show him the street I want to live on one day. He wasn't listening to me (He said I didn't sound like I knew what I was doing), so I set the GPS, which he then ignored. We both ended up frustrated, so he turned to me and said 'I'm just gonna head home, ok?' and at that point, I was like 'Yeah, that's probably best. I don't want to do this if you're this unenthusiastic.' so I said it was fine.

I considered waiting til we got home to have the 'you hurt me' discussion, but since it wasn't that big of a deal at the time, I figured it would be a good chance to show MJ a constructive way to argue. Yeah, that blew up about how you'd expect. Hubby completely shut me out, didn't communicate, and frustrated me so badly I ended up yelling at him. MJ ended up near tears asking for me to just give up, because she 'doesn't want us to break up'. I told her giving up would mean a divorce, because I truly feel once you give up on someone, your relationship is kinda doomed. Hubby frustrated me so much that I have fairly well given up on any progress on the 'finding a house to rent' front. If he wants us to find a home, then he can fucking do it. I'm tired of forcing myself down his throat.

I'm really just tired in all kinds of ways.  I've talked to him about this, but I don't know if he truly understands how much I've been forcing myself. I don't like being the only one texting, or the one to start the texts all the time, and after he doesn't reply, I get lonely, especially if it's hours later before he replies. Hell, by then I've forgotten the conversation.

I've been trying really hard to limit how much I'm eating, and what I'm eating, but he warns me when I do eat something he doesn't think of as 'healthy' or if it's not at an 'appropriate' hour. He's only done that a couple of times though, so that's not too much of a big deal, but it's certainly frustrating.

If I don't ask about what they think of dinner, they certainly don't tell me 'It's good'. That kinda tells me the food is bad. If you have to fish for compliments, you're not doing it right. That's frustrating and kills my urge to cook. What's the point of cooking if people are just gonna silently eat it? Or worse, if they're gonna exclaim how it smells gross. Thanks dear. I feel very encouraged to make food more often.

If I do clean something, it's pretty funny, but hubby doesn't notice. I don't bother pointing it out when I do things anymore. If he notices, great. If he doesn't, it doesn't matter because I didn't do it for his approval.

He says I'm overly critical, and I certainly agree. I've been biting back comments about why he hasn't vacuumed the floors for over a week now. It's burning at the back of my throat but I think I've managed not to say anything. Not that it matters, because as a developing shrew, I can find fault in most anything, especially if I did it. He thinks I'm overly critical of him, but it's really everything. I've reined myself in an amazing amount (in my over-inflated opinion), but the important thing is that I'm still bitching about what he doesn't do right. Or what MJ doesn't do right. I just want the jury to be aware that I do try to be less critical.

It's funny. Our relationship is turning me into a shrew. MJ is turning me into a bitch. And I'm turning myself into a bitter cynical woman older than her years. It's great. At this rate, I'll become my mother in no time. Except for the kids part. I guess MJ will be enough on that front.

I want children, but he says we aren't financially ready, and to a point, I agree. But it's not likely that I'm going get pregnant the first time we forgo a condom. It's likely to take a while, honestly. But yeah, I guess we shouldn't even risk it until we're well-established, have money saved up, and a home to raise the baby in. My biological clock doesn't agree though. It argues quite vehemently, actually. Oh well. It's just my body fighting me. Nothing new.

Hubby has a terrible habit of making me guess his thoughts and feelings. It's a recurring argument that we have every couple of months/years. That's how deeply his silence has run. It invades our daily life all the way in.

He didn't realize that he makes me hate myself when I turn into a nag. That I hate myself when I end up yelling at him or Mia. I've done a lot of yelling today. Mia had the gall to say that she wished she'd never been born. And I asked if she really wanted to fuck with me today, and she was brave enough to say yes. She soon learned her mistake, and seems far happier now that I've lectured the shit out of her. By the end of it, she was pretty much 'Yes ma'aming' me to death. Not the 'I'm not listening' type either, but the 'I'm thinking about what you're saying' type.

I've been trying hard sodas lately. They're alcoholic sodas, like 'The Best Damn Root Beer' and 'Over The Barrel Cream Soda'. The Sodas so far have been.... interesting. Like, I really liked 'Not Your Father's Root Beer' but I don't like the other two I just mentioned.... at all. I have a six pack of Cream Soda that I'm heavily considering giving away. =.= Eh, I'll drink it eventually.

I feel a little left out at work, because everyone drinks. So I've tried to find things that I like that are alcoholic, but the search isn't going too well, and it feels a little bit like Hubby is judging me every time I drink. After asking Hubby, apparently he just wonders if I'm ever going to get drunk again. He says it was hilarious. He thinks that now. I don't think he felt that way then.

HOW DO THEY DEAL WITH THE CONSTANT URGE TO PEE WHEN THEY DRINK?!?!?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.