See, I know I'm sadistic, but the only people I genuinely want to murder have done things that I consider unforgivable (rape, child molestation, etc.). What I've been sensing from our new little girl, however, edges on unfiltered, unabridged willingness to just.... hurt others. Not even for pleasure (which is technically sadism), just for the hell of it. That type of thinking makes me think of mentally unhinged people, and I'm more antsy to get her into counseling than I've ever been before.
I really, honestly wish I could point to something she said or did and say 'THAT. Fix THAT.' but it isn't that simple. Her entire reasoning for it is warped, and unintelligible, and it's difficult to help her realize that 'No, that type of thinking is bad.' without making it a blanket command of 'Don't tell me you think those things' because frankly, she doesn't understand she's being cruel. If she doesn't understand it, she can't realize it herself and stop without some outside force telling her to.
Frankly, it chills me sometimes to talk to her. A lot of the time, after she goes to bed, I think over our day and realize 'Shit, she was asking for help with that statement' or 'Oh wow, that was fucked up. How did I not catch that??' and end up feeling like a failure as a parent. Hell, I feel like a failure every time I let her frustrate me. It isn't fun, but I'm trying to do better.
Now for the kindness. She has a sweetness that I adore, but it comes out in the weirdest times. Tonight, when I tucked her in, she wanted to kiss me on the mouth, and I said 'Nope, forehead's fine.' It enters the 'pedo-danger' line to kiss her on the mouth. I remember once kissing my mom on the mouth and getting a gross feeling because it felt like a romantic kiss because our mouths accidentally lingered. We gave each other weirded out looks and never spoke of it. I really don't want any kind of possibly romantic kisses happening with this already sexually traumatized child. So I won't be kissing her there. She's welcome to kiss me on the cheek or forehead though, and I should probably mention it to her.
She brought home some books from her class today, saying they found a lot of little kids books in class and the teacher told them they could take them home and keep them, so she brought some for the neighborhood kids. I told her she didn't have to, and that it would be awkward to give them to someone she's never spoken to before. She said just because you haven't spoken to them doesn't mean you can't give them things. After a while of doing her homework, she said 'I know! It's like with the homeless!' and I was like *headdesk*. I then told her comparing her neighbors to homeless people is extremely insulting and not to be done. Hopefully I got that through to her, but now we have some little kid's books and no one to give them to. If she really wants to give them to her fellow bus riders, that's fine, but I think it would be weird. I'm still trying to get up the gumption to talk to the parents of the kids (because they don't speak english).
I guess.... I guess I'll leave this here. I'd like feedback and suggestions, of course. I don't know how well to treat her, and my patience is fairly negligible at the best of times. I used to have more patience, but my BC has left it battered and in short supply. *sigh* Fun stuff.
2 comments:
Heh. It is the kid's job to frustrate us. I don't think that is a failure. Still don't really get how she is cruel but i guess i will look out for it more. I think she says alot of stuff without really thinking about it, and then defends it when we challenge it.
Although it may be misdirected, that was a nice thought of hers to give the books out.
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