You're feeling weak and you think 'Oh yeah, I was hungry a couple hours ago. I should eat something.'
Then you keep thinking and 'realize' 'Oh, but I'm really overweight, its past midnight, I don't deserve food.'
And yes, thats the thought you have. Not the friendly, politically correct idea of 'Oh, I shouldn't eat, it may have me to gain too much weight.' No. My body has eaten too much, obviously I've had more than my share, I don't deserve any more food.
So then you're reflecting on the honest thought, and how you're a 'strong, powerful mom' that your child is unhealthily focused on, and 'Why can't you get it together for her sake, if not yours?'
You have seen how she watches every move you make, dissects your decisions with a fine tooth comb, and scrutinizes your every conversation with a magnifying glass. If your husband announces a decision, she shrugs. But you? You need a theory, thesis argument, ten references (she will check) and two virgin sacrifices before she accepts it as truth.
And really? While its irritating as fuck, and you get overly annoyed by it, you either stand by your stance, or you're presented with proof you're wrong and you apologize, thank her for checking, and admit you've learned something new. You don't hold to ideas that are proven false because willful ignorance is something you can't accept, other than in hearing about the news. Your life is depressing enough without that piled on top, thanks very much.
So you continue with your second motto of 'Leave things better than you found them', smile at strangers even when you're scared, organize parts of a shop though you're not buying something, help someone move something and go on about your business. You buy extra food and blankets to keep in your car, just in case someone needs it, and now you're back to food.
So you sigh and acknowledge a weak body is stupid, there's a limit to hunger, go get something from the fridge. You open the door, peek inside, see multiple things you normally enjoy, but you don't want anything now. You feel heavy and unattractive, and its not like your stomach is still growling, that passed hours ago. So you shrug, shut the door, and sigh as you snag your computer to head to bed but decide to whip up a quick 'How I've been' post since it's been a while since you've posted.
And you recognize the awkwardness of posting this, because you're not 'secretly looking for compliments/encouragement/denial' you're just observing a part of your day in an unfiltered post because some days are nice and some nights are bad. And you press publish because you don't think its a shameful thing to have these feelings sometimes.
Update. Heard this today and feel very emotional about it:
