Hello,
It's been nearly a month since I've blogged, and so much has happened. Halloween, the first real family holiday we had with Mia was shared this year with her mother. I never expected the feelings that invoked within me. It's really hard to explain, but I'll try.
It felt like every sacrifice, every effort, and every bit of what made us her parents got erased, just like that. There were brief moments when it was recalled that 'oh, yeah, we're the ones in charge' but mostly.... It was the Cin and MJ show, and we were just unwitting victims. I say 'we' but I can't vouch for Hubby's feelings in this matter at all. I don't think he took it nearly as hard. His words were 'It's like two MJs, that's all.' When we met with neighbors we'd grown up with, Cin acted like she was still MJ's parent. Like she had any part in the raising of her in the last year. And it infuriated me. Who fought with MJ until she began to understand why what she did was wrong two weeks ago? Sure as hell wasn't Cin. Who bought that damned $40 mask because MJ loved it and wouldn't take it off? Sure as hell wasn't Cin. Who drove for hours to get there so she could have the first family Halloween in years? NOT CIN.
There was a silver lining. MJ recognized all on her own that we're still her parents. She even gave me a look that said 'Okay, I've had fun, but I'm ready for her to go now.' That was a relief. Up until Cin managed to secrete her make-up bag in our trunk and 'forget' it. So we had to go back today, but refused to get out of the car. Hell, I didn't even park. Just had MJ hand it to Cin and let that be the end.
But oh, once we got home..... There was a little while of peace before Hubby returned and asked about my flute. MJ was supposed to find it today if it was at home. My step-up flute, worth over a 1,000 dollars USED. MJ shrugged, acted like it was no big deal that it's most likely gone forever, and then to top it all off, had the gall to tell me it was my fault. ''If you didn't want it lost or destroyed, you never should have given it to me,'' I believe she said. For her to blame me for her carelessness when we'd been planning to let her go to her friend's house for a sleepover this coming weekend was like being slapped.
Since then she's been moping and crying, but still not cleaning her room like I told her to. She even 're-pierced' her ear. I looked at her blankly, told her it was likely to get infected and hurt a lot worse, and why wasn't she cleaning her room? She said she was bored. Now she's in the shower.
Frankly, I don't know how to get her to take me seriously right now. And to be utterly honest here? That comment about my prized flute has literally dimmed my love for her. I still love her, would no matter what, but her disregard for me just..... it's damaged me. I'm seriously giving thought to no longer punishing her, no longer advising her, and no longer helping her. It's what she thinks she wants, and while I know that's not a good way to raise a child, I'm finding it very hard to care about her beyond making sure she isn't dead right about now.
I get the feeling I'm going to be in trouble with everyone once you all read this, but I've always been committed to being as honest as I can. It's not even that I loved my flute more than I do her. It's her attitude about it. Her lack of empathy, of caring. She's been crying for hours, but it isn't for my flute. It's because she knows it's gone, and so are her chances of going to her friend's birthday sleep-over. Though really, I'm reconsidering. I want her gone for a while, and that would be convenient.
I'm sure all children are insensitive little beasts at times, but she's rather consistent in her lack of regard for me and anything I own. I don't know how much longer I can continue to love and care for her as earnestly as I have up til now. I just don't know.
2 comments:
major props to you and all the hard work that you do
I think the solution is simpler than that. Don't give her things that belong to you. Until she can show that she can take care of her own things (which, when you think about her old tablet, her glasses, and various things you've loaned to her in the past, she clearly cannot), you shouldn't give her any of yours. When she asks why you won't let her borrow something, say its because she has broken and lost so many things that you aren't giving her more until she shows she can be more responsible long term. Emphasize that if she is going to insist on blaming us when we give her stuff, she can just forget about getting a bike, a phone, a car, or anything else that would require responsibility in the future. If that's her attitude, she is not ready for any of those things. Although I did not hear the full convo where she blamed you for giving stuff to her, I think she also says alot of stuff she doesn't mean and I think that this could be one of those cases. She gets desperate to avoid blame and in doing so has to blame someone else. Well the only someone else is you, so that is what she tried without thinking about it. She is 11 and is going to say things she doesn't mean or that don't make sense. The best thing to do is to make her think about it after she said it and then maybe she will think before she says something like that again.
Regarding how you felt during Halloween, I think we should limit how much of a role Cindy has in the future. Basically, if the holiday is not mandated by the court order, then don't do it. If it is that uncomfortable for you, then don't do it. I don't mind excluding Cindy. If she asks for more than we are willing to give, we can go back to monthly phone calls. I want to have a good relationship with her mom because I think that would be easier for everyone. But if that turns out to not be the case, then fuck it. It's not worth your stress and frustration and unhappiness to preserve that relationship with Cindy. She is the one who should be catering to our demands and considering our needs, not the other way around. We didn't cause this situation, she did.
But I do keep in mind that Cindy is her biological mom, and because she doesn't have to deal with Mia on a regular basis and has the maturity of an 11 year old, her and Mia get along great because they both act as if she is her friend rather than her mother. Its probably why Mia has this huge issue with wanting to be her own parent in the first place. She sure as hell didn't have one in Cindy. She didn't see Mia while she was in jail, so she is trying to leave as much of a good impression as possible. It's why she doesn't want to call when Mia is throwing a fit, because she doesn't even want to chastise her when she deserves it. She wants to be Mia's friend more than her mom.
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