July 1st is going to be branded in my memory now

So today was rather memorable. Sorry, this won't be a happy post.

Today, my brother had a colonoscopy because he wasn't able to keep food down, he couldn't control his bowel movements, and his liver has lesions. I visited him yesterday and he was fairly normal, except for the bowel movement issues. We stayed for a few hours, and then we came home.

I hoped it was just liver cancer. If it was, I could be a match, and I could give him a portion of my liver, and he'd likely be okay. He smelled like cancer. I was worried.

I was right to be. My brother has colon cancer. It's already Stage IV, and it's spread across his body. Its in his liver, his lymph nodes, and he had septic blood. The doctors estimate he has between 3-18 months to live.

He told me he wish he knew what caused it. Remember, he's 38, but mentally he's about 10. So I told him it was a mutation in his body. He's an X man, but not one of the lucky ones. He seemed to understand that, so I hope it was the right thing to say. He said ''I knew I'd have to go some time." and I broke down crying. I'm a little ashamed, because it felt so self-indulgent, but every time I tried to speak, I choked on my tears.

He told me that once he's gone, not to forget to look at the full moon, because he'll be watching. So I won't. I'll celebrate the full moon. Always.

I'm pretty angry. He's already mentally retarded. He's already diabetic. He's already had a terrible time, being abused, misunderstood, mistreated, and stolen from. But I expected him to grow old with me. Mom and I already had plans in place in case of her death for me to take care of him. I was supposed to take care of him.

I'm not sure if I've written this before, but for years now, he's nicknamed me 'Angel'. I wish I was. I wish I could be an angel to keep this from happening. To stop this from hurting him. If I were really an angel, I could do something for him. But I'm not, and I can't. I said something along these lines to him, and he said ''But you're still my angel." Logdamnit, I can't do anything.

I've spent most of the day crying off and on. I hope I run out of tears soon. Why couldn't it have just been in his liver?? I was ready to donate mine! They're removing a portion of his colon tomorrow, to get a tumor out, and sewing it back together. If it doesn't get infected, he'll be able to leave the hospital in a week.

Mom cried so hard when she told me. I want to be there for his surgery, but I have work, and Mia has therapy. There's nothing I can do to help, anyway. Me being there won't help anyone. I'll likely just cause more problems.

I had to tell Mia, because otherwise I knew she'd just worry and become frantic. I'm a little proud of her response: "Well, we'll have to make the rest of the time count!" Yes, we will. We're scheduled to go to the beach on Tuesday, and stay through Sunday. Then I have a week off work. He's about an hour and a half away, so while I'm off work, I may go see him on days I don't have anything scheduled.

I expected to grow old with my big brother, not lose him when we're still so young. How do I explain to future children what a crazy and lovable mess their uncle was? He's been asking me for a baby to spoil for years. I wish I could do that for him. My detestable cousin wouldn't let him hold her baby, and then she gave it away to CPS. I hate this. I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!