Cartilage tear

Looks like I have a cartilage tear in my L knee. We’ll be seeing a doctor tomorrow to discuss options. Hopefully it’ll heal on its own, but it’s been doing this for years now.

My “I’m fine!” Is losing power!!

So we went to Great Wolf Lodge for Thanksgiving. Took the three kids, met up with Best Friend C there, had a blast. Kids geared up when we arrived, super excited, went on all the rides, ate tons of food that’s terrible fo round, repeated. Good times were had.

....until Thursday morning when I twisted my knee out of joint getting out of a tube after a ride. Then it popped right back out twice more in the next hour. I took a break, chilled with Hubby and C. It popped out twice more between then and finishing lunch. And another three times before returning to the park. By that point I had figured out the movement that popped it out. Forward and to the right? Goodbye my balance, goodbye my leg, hello to oh the paaaiiiin. So I was able to keep it in place much better, despite hubby’s increasing worry. By the time we were going on rides after dinner, it only popped out two or three more times, but it was wearing me out quickly. But I was determined!

It wasn’t likely that we’d be returning here for years at the earliest. As my child says “It was really fun, but there’s only a few rides and you get tired of them eventually, so I don’t really wanna go back.” I didn’t have time to get tired of them. But I was tired of the stairs after the first flight that first day. So it amounts to the same thing.

I didn’t think I’d ever get the opportunity to go with these three again, so I pushed myself to the max, because I wanted to really treasure this vacation. The kids loved it, and so did I. I am fairly certain I tore my ligament with that first ride. My knee has occasionally popped out of joint over the years (usually with certain sitting styles that I know to be careful of), but it rarely pops out without an excessive turn. The second time it popped out was too.... easy. It felt incredibly fragile, and nothing restored it to feeling dependable until I picked up an ace bandage this afternoon. I dearly wish we’d jotted out for a brace yesterday. I would have been able to control it much better with one.

Anyway, that second time made it very clear that something was damaged in a major way. The popping out after that merely drove home the instability and pain, I don’t believe it made it notably worse (the the flashes of pain had me gasping at some points). Poor Hubby was incredibly worried and protective, and I’m concerned I made C worry as well. I hate making ppl worry.

So I went to urgent care when we got home, they set me up with a neat brace and a doctor appt on Monday. They’ll likely order an MRI, and we’ll know what needs to be done from there. They already X Rayed it and found no bones broken. I already knew that though, as broken bones feel significantly different from tissue pain. But hey, I certainly appreciate thorough checking, so I did it with a smile.

I just need to stop walking for the next two days and I’ll be set! I’m fine, see?

Updates, I suppose?

Hm. I haven’t updated since January. That’s a full six months. I’ve probably lost anyone that did regularly follow me, but oh well. Summary:

My older brother is dying of stage four colon cancer. He may not be able to get any life extending treatment soon. Then he’ll likely rapidly decline.
My daughter has done great since school got out. She went to Drivers Ed classes, and now isn’t sure she wants to drive. I’m okay with that.
Animazement wasn’t as fun this year, partially because I was pregnant, and walking in heels and eating pizza were terrible ideas while in that condition.
My baby self-terminated and I had to have an abortion. It was scary, but my husband was as supportive as he could be.
I’ve been reaching out (slowly) to friends from high school. Some are less interested in renewing friendship than others.
I’m trying to be more social, inviting friends for dinner, trying to attend events I think I’ll enjoy, etc. I do better some days than others.
I’m trying to seek therapy, as I’ve noticed a rise in self destructive behaviors. I have a list, and I’m planning to call on Monday.
Hubby is still the best person in the world to me.
I’m sure there’s a lot more, but I’m tired.

Ttyl!

I made up with my mom

but as my friend TJ summed up, Ive forgiven, not forgotten. Honestly even I know it wasn’t a huge deal to anyone but me. I like how he and hubby were supportive though. The way they put it that made me feel less like I was making a mountain out of a molehill? Yeah, but you’re teaching her how to treat you as a fellow human and adult, and that’s always important.

You are correct sir! I’m trying not to downplay how important calling her ‘Kaachan’ was to me. To have her demand I call her Mother was a shock. I was only angry for two or so days, and then I was just disappointed. I really don’t like the woman my mom becomes around my aunt. At first she blustered about how it wasn’t important, she was sorry if she hurt my feelings but she’s not Japanese, and even that she would come up there (here?) and whoop my ass if I didn’t stop my nonsense.

My nonsense being my acceptance that she is ‘Mother’ and not ‘Mom’ ‘Momma’ or ‘Mommy’. I was frigidly polite, didn’t argue, said yes mother, okay mother, you do that mother, and hung up. She even texted me asking what she did wrong, and that she didn’t understand what we were even fighting about. I replied to her saying I’d talk to her when she figured out what she did wrong. She told me when I was ready to talk about it, I could call her.

I didn’t call. For the last two weeks, I’ve called her once and it was to tell her we weren’t coming for MJ’s birthday, as family has been a strong trigger for her and we’d rather minimize her breakdowns. I remained frigidly polite and hung up once my message had been given.

She called me yesterday. Apologized repeatedly. Said she’d just been under so much stress that she snapped. She didn’t realize how much it meant to me to call her that. I can call her that if I want to. Let’s make it like it never happened. I told her I can’t do that. She had to think that in some part of her for it to burst out. My days of calling her Kaachan are over. Honestly, I should have stopped years ago when I became an adult, but I treasured the close feeling it gave me. Telling me to change how I address her is saying she doesn’t want us to be close anymore. She vehemently denied wanting that, and said she just has trouble being considerate of others feelings and she’s working on it.

I think it’s fine if she doesn’t want it, but I’ve called her that for 12 years. She hasn’t complained until I said it in front of my aunt. So that’s how it is. I told her I would let it go and she thanked me. She tried to chat with me, but I was running late for a client and gave her a cordial but not close farewell. I could tell she was still hurt by my lack of warmth. She begged me to call her on the phone again, like I used to.

So I actually wrote this blog weeks ago, but my tablet doesn't support this site very well, so I was unable to post anymore. Basically, it's taken some time, but we're almost back to being the usual. I noticed some hesitance from her when we disagreed about something last night. She was talking about how she couldn't believe you could get a scholarship for being gay, and it 'just doesn't seem right'. I told her I disagreed, that often it means a lack of support from parents, and they need all the support they could get. She backed down very easily and we changed the subject, but it's not like her.

Update: My brother hasn't been able to get treatments for a few months now, so they're trying a new treatment as soon as his blood cell count is up again. Mom said that 'if he can't get treatments, that's it. He's done,' and I've been thinking about that. Isn't he already living on borrowed time at this point? Isn't it enough to treasure each conversation and interaction, knowing it might be the last? It's how I've proceeded, at least.

I think it helps a lot that I already went through the massive grieving months ago by myself. I still get sad, but it's very bearable this way. Maybe I'm strange?