So today MJ asked Hubby if she could go back to the mental hospital. Today at school, she said her SS teacher told her she was 'ignorant, selfish, and mean', and it rather impacted her badly. When Hubby asked if this was why, she said it was only 20%, and that she didn't want to explain any more to him.
So when she went to bed, I strode in, pushed her over, and cuddled up to her back. Asked what's wrong, and refused to budge. For you future parents, this is a wonderful way to get your child to be honest and hear what they think. At first, she insisted nothing was wrong, but when I just laid there and held her closer, she started rambling.
She said that when people find out she likes girls, they look at her different. One group of girls she was friendly with completely stopped talking to her after she told them. They basically said they didn't want to talk to her because they didn't want her to hit on them, even though she said she wouldn't. Told me that privately she didn't feel like they were her type, but didn't tell them that because it would hurt their feelings.
She said the top two rumors at school were about her, and fighting, separately. She's scared of what will happen when someone eventually puts the rumors together and decides she needs to be fought. She says she's tough, and she knows she can fight, but she doesn't want to hurt anyone, so she's going to get hurt, and she's always scared someone's going to hurt her at school.
This led to her feeling that she's never safe. It's better when she's with us, but she doesn't feel safe anywhere, and can't explain what would make her feel safe. That other adults tell her to tell them when she feels unsafe, but she never NOT feels unsafe, so it's a joke to make a statement like that to her. She explained that she always feels like there's people around, that she's being followed or watched, and it's worst going and coming back from the bus stop. I personally think this is her paranoia acting up, but it doesn't mean she doesn't feel uncomfortably on display.
From there she admitted how her humor is off putting. She knows it is, and she tries not to laugh at inappropriate times, but it's hard for her. An example she gave was a boy is riding is bicycle and he dies. To her, that's funny. I explained that to others, it's horrifying, not because he died necessarily, but because there's an empty hole where he was for his friends and family. She admitted that's sad, and I told her to focus on that with other people, because no one will understand that she finds death funny.
She mentioned that every day she wakes up, and cries because she didn't die in the night and now has to get up. She doesn't hurt herself to die, she hurts herself because it makes her happy. She likes the pain, and it makes her feel good, she isn't trying to die, but she wants to.
I told her that who she is now is not who she'll be later. That I'm so excited to see what she'll become in five, ten, fifteen, twenty years from now. When she came from the hospital, her mother and I would lay in bed and her mom would talk about what she wanted for MJ, and it boiled down to being happy. MJ snorted and said that would never happen. I began explaining how age changes you in many ways. That who I was as a teen is not who I am now.
At that point she chimed in with how she's recently realized she has a 'Runa-complex'. Basically, she was incredibly let down when she came to live with us and I didn't have long blonde hair, thin waist, and sweet manners. She said that who I was then, shocked her, because I was no longer perfect, and she fought me so much because she couldn't reconcile who I was with who I became. She said I was more immature, and that shocked her too much. She said that recently she's realized I wasn't immature, I was just free.
And she's right. I'm much freer than I ever was before I went to college and got married. It shows in my non bullshit policies. She admitted that even though I'm not perfect anymore, she'll still kill someone if they mess with me, because she still admires me and loves me. It's sweet, but I told her I was fairly sure I could kill them myself, thanks. She laughed and agreed that I'm really strong.
It reminds me of how she insists that I should cosplay as Tsunade from Naruto or Olivier Mira Armstrong from FMA-Brotherhood. She's Armstrong's sister, and she's strong and scary as hell. Every character she feels I'm suited for is blonde, strong, and outspoken. They're called 'fearsome and commanding' for a reason, basically. It's shocking to me that her image of me is so strong, when I don't feel that I am, but I'll just have to keep trying to live up to it and hope it helps her become stronger too.
I'm not going to give an analysis or prognosis of these things she discussed with me, I just wanted a log of it for future reference. She's doing a project for me tomorrow and Friday where every hour she'll write what she's thinking in a notebook and create a 'POV log' for me, to help us and her psychiatrist understand her better.
Speaking of, she doesn't like her medicine, and wants a new one. She's scared of becoming a drug addict and has threatened to throw her medicine away if we up the drug anymore. Her psych lady has suggested upping the dosage before, and with these insecurities popping up again, I'm certain she'll bring it up again. *sigh*
https://youtu.be/clKAdQnwJ7A
1 comment:
Quite frankly, I'm surprised at the lack of flak she has gotten for being openly bisexual up until this point. I know that when I was in middle school, this would have been social suicide. Its weird that this is just becoming an issue now, though I guess not since all of them are getting more serious about dating and stuff. But yeah, she has always had issues with rejection based on things like that. Like with your mom.
She has always felt paranoia about being watched or whatever. That's nothing new and really is just something I think she is going to have to deal with or grow out of, especially since it doesn't have much basis in reality.
I call bullshit on her "I cry every time I wake up" claim and her "I want to die" claim. If she was really crying, we would hear it. Honestly it irritates me to hear her say things like she wants to die after her stupid suicide attempt not too long ago. If all it takes is 3 months for her to forget about that whole ordeal, it just makes me angry. It makes me not want to invest my time and energy into her at all. She is really childish in her thinking in alot of ways, but in this respect it is neither cute nor acceptable. Her understanding of and obsession with death is disturbing.
Quite frankly, her opinion on her meds isn't really all that important to me. She's more worried about the stigma behind taking meds for depression than she is about getting better. She did similar saber rattling with just the meds we are currently giving her, like when she said we had to make sure she took them and she mentioned to me how she had thought of different ways she could avoid taking it though she never planned to actually do them. If the meds aren't working (and it doesn't seem like they are) then we should up the dosage. She isn't going to get addicted to them because we are carefully controlling the dosage and the meds are with me at all times. I suspect she is just trying to come up with reasons to not take them, and while I am not opposed to trying another medicine, I think we should probably give the zoloft more of a chance before we give up on it altogether.
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