Mia attempted suicide again today. She was amused when I cried. She laughed when she admitted she didn't bring her lunch box to school because she didn't expect to live to lunch. She said she doesn't see a point in living in the same breath as she says she doesn't want the younger littles to imitate her. I think she's amused at everything right now.
So she went to the bathroom during class changes, and decided while she was peeing, that it was a good time to die. She had written a suicide note early today in class and so she took the string from my jacket (that she borrowed today), tied it to a rafter while standing on the toilet, and jumped.
The only reason she didn't die is because she was too tall. Her feet could touch the ground. She has some superficial scratches around her neck and a red stretch mark in the front of her neck, but otherwise is unharmed.
The irony is that there was no warning. Her plan was actually sound, her letter well written. She's a manipulative little birch. She said she saw no point in living.
Alright then. I think something in me has broken now. One day we're going to come home to a dead child, or get a call from her school that she's finally succeeded. I feel a bit like a parent whose child has gone off to war. Difference being they die for a good cause.
She's at war, but with herself. I'm grieving and angry, she seemed surprised to hear I'm angry. Hubby is actually quite upset, but says he's not angry. Maybe the anger will come soon.
Why is it like this?
Where did we fail?
Are all children we have going to have going to be like this?
Is there anything that will salvage this child?
Even if she makes it to adulthood, is she just going to keep trying until she succeeds?
I think I need counselling for myself. I can feel my depression rising rapidly to consume me. I'm feeling listless with bouts of grief bubbling up and bursting out. My eyes and nose and cheeks hurt. I hate crying.
MJ when explained what grief means asked why I feel loss. I'm baffled as to how to answer that.
She just said "hey, at least I didn't start drugs like I'd planned to do this summer." I'm fairly certain she's feeling offset because hubby and I haven't torn into her or anything. She's trying to push us into something. Maybe she feels she needs to be punished. She just asked about juvie. This feels like validation of my theory.
She's pushing us away, and this time, I'll likely let her. How do you hold on to someone that wants to leave so badly?
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