Update on situation(s) 10/14

So it's been a tumultuous two weeks.

On Thursday, MJ tried to hang herself.

On Saturday, I and my sister get into an extreme shouting match the likes of which I have quite literally never been in with anyone, let alone my sister. I blatantly told her I stopped being her sister when I had to take her daughter in instead of having my own.

On Monday, the hospital discharged our child to a psych ward without telling us, proclaiming they 'left a voicemail' (but mine's been full for weeks, and Hubby never got a call period. I got one phone call), and when we called to see why they called, they said MJ was still there, nothing had changed. When we arrived to give her homework from school, they told us there was no one there by that name. Of course I am irate, what do you mean, that's my daughter, you'd better have her. They ask us to step aside, the social worker will be here shortly to discuss it with us. This is the same social worker that's terribly insensitive and seems to think most children's parents are at fault for everything. That was fun.

On Tuesday, Hubby and I called old friends to discuss the situation, hoping for sympathy, some new ideas of what could have set MJ off, if there's something we didn't see, if there's treatments they've heard that we haven't, etc. That's definitely not what we got.

We got some interesting questions that were leading, and quite evocative of an interrogation, followed by some gentle allegations that we're too strict (particularly me- Which is true, I'm the strict one), too hard on her (not particularly true, we're fairly gentle in most punishments, and rarely get more than vaguely irritated at her when she doesn't meet one, as the bar isn't set very high to begin with), and don't love her enough (W.T.F.)

Now it's certainly true from a distance, if you see us with her once or twice a year, versus a monthly-esque adjustment into the household, you'll see I'm rather strict with her manners and interruptions, as we're unlikely to see said visitors very often at all, and prioritize them on those rare occasions. When I say rare, I mean I'm that strict possibly 4-5 times a year. Most times, MJ's needs are prioritized, even over friends after they've had their '3 visit rule' met.

It's also true that we use our blogs are a diary of sorts, to vent and acknowledge our frustrations and anger, rather than show them to MJ, or worse, take said frustrations out on her. Most of the things we say in these forums will never reach her ears or eyes, as we realize these thoughts are not appropriate to tell her. If all you really hear of our dealings with her are the blogs, or the times she's pushed us to our limit, you're likely to have a skewed idea of our relationship.

But frankly, when a child has attempted suicide, and the parents are struggling, when that child has yet to be released from the hospital, it is never okay to imply that the parents are at fault for not loving her enough. It's not only unhelpful for if it were true: they can hardly suddenly increase their love for a child, it's there or it's not. It's also hurtful, as it's saying the parents aren't worthy of having said child, and are at fault for a child's decision.

It's of particular note that the child made the attempt at school, because she KNEW we pay too much attention to her when she's home to be successful there.

Since then, we've internalized a bit of what they said, questioning ourselves, our relationship with MJ, and our relationship with the ones who believe we're unsuitable parents. Frankly, if we don't love her enough, I'm quite confident no other parent can love her more. If we don't show our love with her enough, that's something we can't attempt to do more than we've been doing before this second attempt, as we've already done as much as we can to show her she's loved since the first. And in final, with such a close-minded view, and refusal to acknowledge they can be wrong, we're still unsure whether we'd like to continue a friendship with such unsupportive friends. We've decided to wait and see what our feelings are after we've finished with the crisis we're currently living in. The final relationship is by far the least of our concerns when our daughter's life is in danger.

Since that Tuesday, we've also looked into the first attempt and second attempts commonalities and found that her first attempt was three days after seeing her bio mother, and this one was six days after. When we visited her on Wednesday, she admitted she'd kept her phone calls as short as possible, and talked to us as little as possible to keep herself from being comforted and loved so she can stay determined to try again. She cried and asked why we had to come, when she wasn't expecting it, and couldn't prepare to be off-putting.

Today, Saturday, we spoke with bio mom, who said she wanted to back off on meeting MJ, as she had finally internalized our conversation from the previous Saturday, and feels that it's her leaving MJ at the end of the visits that is setting MJ off. The conversations they have could have an impact, but my thought is that MJ wasn't stable from the start of the meeting due to her friend's attempt a few weeks ago. She wasn't warned that she'd see her bio mom, and that likely wrecked her equilibrium, as she almost immediately was using an online consultation after she left her.

It certainly doesn't help that she feels isolated and bullied at school, and I was too nauseas that week to work out with her (she went with her dad instead), so she likely felt a lack of support compared to most weeks. We still talked about her day, what she did, what she liked, what she looked forward to, what she didn't like, just like every day. But it wasn't enough.

As both our parents have stated, we've given everything we can give and it's not enough right now to keep her stable. She needs professional assistance to get a cushion to help her deal with feelings that overwhelm her. All the love and acceptance in the world won't save her from herself when she's drowning in her own feelings that she hasn't learned to assimilate well enough.

Unfortunately, I know this from experience myself. These last two weeks have been so stressful, I'm slipping in and out of depression. I was reminded on Thursday just how difficult and pointless life seems when you're depressed. I woke utterly bereft of any feeling beyond grief and weariness. What was the point of getting out of my bed, when it's just going to be a long, listless day without my daughter, separated from my husband, littered with tears from grief? Why continue to exist? What's the point? I ended up running late, but I got up, dressed, and on my way to work. I stayed close to tears for hours while I worked, trying not to give in and worry my clients. At one point, I texted Hubby in despair because I couldn't remember how to smile and every time I tried, it looked wrong.

It finally faded away enough to let me get through my day. I'm quite good at pretending, after all. But that night we went to Costco, and they had a 58" teddy bear on sale. Now normally, I ask Hubby for extravagances before I put them in the cart. This time, I didn't hesitate. I picked up the first one to catch my eye, and put it into the cart. Then I looked right at Hubby and waited. He didn't even quibble. What he did do was check it over and declare it wasn't good enough, because it had some straggly hair. So I picked a different one, he looked it over, and I put it into the cart. This teddy is nearly 5 feet long, thicker in the middle than I am, and so soft and cuddly. I smiled without effort for the first time that day.

The social worker and case worker for MJ are looking into long-term care for her in a psych ward to get her stabilized. They say it's not uncommon for a chemical imbalance to happen during puberty, and after a year without suicide attempts, the danger has usually passed and they can begin weaning her off the drugs slowly. The therapist Hubby and I have been seeing said she's seen cases where the child wakes up one day and just no longer feels hopeless, and will be fine. I'm kind of banking on that, and willing to wait and keep working toward it. The therapist said that working with children like this is like an abusive relationship, and therapy is simply wiping our wounds before going back in the ring, ready to deal with her fairly and gently until she's able to handle more.

I'm relaxing my honesty stance. I've always been strictly honest to the point of being painfully so, but I don't feel that's necessarily in MJ's best interest right now. 'The truth hurts' is quite certainly true, as proven on last Saturday when I tore into my sister without a single lie, but plenty of truths that she never knew, and was not ready to face until it was screamed into her ear. My words are still in her head, as proven by our conversation tonight, when she said she felt backing off, initiating contact when the psychiatrist suggests it, starting slowly with letters, then phone calls, then visits would be best.

So I'm relaxing it. I'm tired of adhering to being strictly honest, and it doesn't seem to be beneficial for the most part, beyond all children immediately believing me when I assure them I'm being truthful. Look forward to some entertaining tall tales in future. It's kinda fun to see how well I'm believed when I'm bullshitting. Also, Hubby? Jackalopes aren't real, but your face when I told you they were and you believed me certainly was amusing. Love you!