and all through the house, not a shit was given, even from my spouse.
The time is near, and the feelings are clear
We've no time for drama, nor stupid fear.
Our families are dear to us, and we love them to bits,
But with all the pressure of the season upon us, we may have some fits.
I'll protect my own, with all the power I possess,
But I wonder sometimes, how to deal with the stress.
You're definitely worth it, Never doubt that.
But with all the worry, I keep getting fat.
It's good you'll be with me, I couldn't do it alone,
So let's work together, and get on the phone.
I'll cancel with my side, you cancel yours.
We'll have a feast here, and plenty of 'more!'s.
We can relax and be merry, and hear no more "But!"s,
We can roast some marshmallows, some corn, some nuts.
Eventually dear, they'll back off and see,
that family means you, me, and childling makes three.
We need no other, no opinions or 'advise'.
They can shove it back in the hole, where they spew their spites.
I know it won't happen, we're far too dutiful,
But oh, if only, their faces would be beautiful.
So bear with me dear, let's buckle our seats.
We're going in strong, we'll defeat them with feats.
~Just tinkering around while fantasizing about not having to go to Thanksgiving with our families and extended personages that will be stressful and annoying. Hope you enjoyed. If it's terrible, sorry. I just made it up. Love you!
Sunday, November 18, 2018
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
Working out again
So for the past few months, I've been focusing quite heavily on getting our nutrition to the point it should be. This includes contacting a nutritionist weekly to check our menu, making said menu every week, and sticking to it as much as possible. Breakfasts have also been altered to be more nutritionally balanced for me and MJ (Hubby eats fairly well anyway, but MJ has portion control issues). In addition, I have to check MJ's lunch choices for allergies, and to make sure he's adding the appropriate amount of protein, healthy carbs, and not too much sugar. This also means I've been getting up with childling every morning (some mornings I'm more awake than others) since he's started school. Its exhausting.
This week we had alumni weekend at S&M. This included a lot of walking that I don't usually do. I was surprised at how tired I was (and sore!) when I remember how much more walking I did daily when we lived there. So I felt a little embarrassed about my lack of exercise. We've been struggling with MJ's attempts to harm himself, and haven't put in the effort to attend physical activity.
So this Monday, I rearranged our schedule (finally, I've been trying to for weeks!) so we could attend the gym as a family. We did running, games, volleyball, and stretching. Hubby broke my glasses when I tried to prevent him from undoing my work during a game. I was angry, mostly because I like these glasses, and he scratched my face when he broke them. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but I still felt like it was unfair.
Volleyball was frustrating because the kids playing it weren't good at it, and a couple of them kept flirting and fighting, causing the ball to go everywhere. It wasn't even a real volleyball game, just everyone in a circle passing the ball (badly). So I was sad it wasn't as good as I'd hoped it would be.
At some point, I appear to have injured my ankle, since it was throbbing afterward, when I took my shower and laid down. I ended up going to bed around 10 or so, since I was so tired. I slept pretty well, but I woke up often once Hubby came to bed. My ankle still hurts, and I have five massages today, so I'm not looking forward to how sore I'm going to be at the end of the day today.
I know there's probably some confusion as to why I've been using 'he' and 'his' for MJ. MJ has decided he is transgender, and would like to be referred to as a guy from this point forward. I'm making the effort (though I didn't this weekend, as there wasn't anyone I planned to keep in touch with, and didn't feel like having that conversation multiple times) to use the pronouns he prefers. I don't always, but it works.
He's decided he's a feminine male, so he still likes to wear dresses and such. He's also bought a binder recently, and decided he needs a smaller one, because this one doesn't hurt him. *Rolls eyes* He can barely get it closed, but yeah, he totally needs a smaller one (This is sarcasm, ok?).
I'm surprised at how many people just take his announcement in stride. I know our families won't, and I'm not looking forward to the inevitable explosion. Personally, I'm not sure I believe that he's truly a male at heart, but it's easier to go along with his whims. It's likely to be transient anyway.
We're not allowing any permanent alterations (He asked for his breasts to be removed, same day he announced he would be male) until he's an adult and old enough to pay for the changes himself. Yeah there's the cost factor, but also, I don't feel comfortable allowing someone to alter their body in an irreversible way when they're on psychotropics.
So I think we're fairly caught up now. Oh, we saw C! Hubby's old roommate came to see us a week ago (he got the date of the alumni weekend mixed up), and we got to hang out. We all went to the Pride Parade together. We didn't get to do much more, and I'm really disappointed about that. I wanted to spend a lot of time with him, since it's been years since we've been together. He's just as easy-going as he used to be.
Okay, I have work to do, so I'm going to go now. Have a good week everyone!
This week we had alumni weekend at S&M. This included a lot of walking that I don't usually do. I was surprised at how tired I was (and sore!) when I remember how much more walking I did daily when we lived there. So I felt a little embarrassed about my lack of exercise. We've been struggling with MJ's attempts to harm himself, and haven't put in the effort to attend physical activity.
So this Monday, I rearranged our schedule (finally, I've been trying to for weeks!) so we could attend the gym as a family. We did running, games, volleyball, and stretching. Hubby broke my glasses when I tried to prevent him from undoing my work during a game. I was angry, mostly because I like these glasses, and he scratched my face when he broke them. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but I still felt like it was unfair.
Volleyball was frustrating because the kids playing it weren't good at it, and a couple of them kept flirting and fighting, causing the ball to go everywhere. It wasn't even a real volleyball game, just everyone in a circle passing the ball (badly). So I was sad it wasn't as good as I'd hoped it would be.
At some point, I appear to have injured my ankle, since it was throbbing afterward, when I took my shower and laid down. I ended up going to bed around 10 or so, since I was so tired. I slept pretty well, but I woke up often once Hubby came to bed. My ankle still hurts, and I have five massages today, so I'm not looking forward to how sore I'm going to be at the end of the day today.
I know there's probably some confusion as to why I've been using 'he' and 'his' for MJ. MJ has decided he is transgender, and would like to be referred to as a guy from this point forward. I'm making the effort (though I didn't this weekend, as there wasn't anyone I planned to keep in touch with, and didn't feel like having that conversation multiple times) to use the pronouns he prefers. I don't always, but it works.
He's decided he's a feminine male, so he still likes to wear dresses and such. He's also bought a binder recently, and decided he needs a smaller one, because this one doesn't hurt him. *Rolls eyes* He can barely get it closed, but yeah, he totally needs a smaller one (This is sarcasm, ok?).
I'm surprised at how many people just take his announcement in stride. I know our families won't, and I'm not looking forward to the inevitable explosion. Personally, I'm not sure I believe that he's truly a male at heart, but it's easier to go along with his whims. It's likely to be transient anyway.
We're not allowing any permanent alterations (He asked for his breasts to be removed, same day he announced he would be male) until he's an adult and old enough to pay for the changes himself. Yeah there's the cost factor, but also, I don't feel comfortable allowing someone to alter their body in an irreversible way when they're on psychotropics.
So I think we're fairly caught up now. Oh, we saw C! Hubby's old roommate came to see us a week ago (he got the date of the alumni weekend mixed up), and we got to hang out. We all went to the Pride Parade together. We didn't get to do much more, and I'm really disappointed about that. I wanted to spend a lot of time with him, since it's been years since we've been together. He's just as easy-going as he used to be.
Okay, I have work to do, so I'm going to go now. Have a good week everyone!
Thursday, July 19, 2018
Baby names
I’m only writing these down here because I have a terrible memory, and I don’t want to forget. We talked with my brother, and he asked that a child be named Arwin for him (from the Arwood). I offered Sephira for a girl, and Josen for a boy, but he didn’t like them.
So the tentative plan is now for Artemis Sephira for a girl, and Arwin Calypso for a boy. No common names for our littles. They’re gonna have names to be remembered! Hopefully not for turning psychotic and killing people. Just throwing that out there.
So the tentative plan is now for Artemis Sephira for a girl, and Arwin Calypso for a boy. No common names for our littles. They’re gonna have names to be remembered! Hopefully not for turning psychotic and killing people. Just throwing that out there.
Sunday, July 1, 2018
July 1st is going to be branded in my memory now
So today was rather memorable. Sorry, this won't be a happy post.
Today, my brother had a colonoscopy because he wasn't able to keep food down, he couldn't control his bowel movements, and his liver has lesions. I visited him yesterday and he was fairly normal, except for the bowel movement issues. We stayed for a few hours, and then we came home.
I hoped it was just liver cancer. If it was, I could be a match, and I could give him a portion of my liver, and he'd likely be okay. He smelled like cancer. I was worried.
I was right to be. My brother has colon cancer. It's already Stage IV, and it's spread across his body. Its in his liver, his lymph nodes, and he had septic blood. The doctors estimate he has between 3-18 months to live.
He told me he wish he knew what caused it. Remember, he's 38, but mentally he's about 10. So I told him it was a mutation in his body. He's an X man, but not one of the lucky ones. He seemed to understand that, so I hope it was the right thing to say. He said ''I knew I'd have to go some time." and I broke down crying. I'm a little ashamed, because it felt so self-indulgent, but every time I tried to speak, I choked on my tears.
He told me that once he's gone, not to forget to look at the full moon, because he'll be watching. So I won't. I'll celebrate the full moon. Always.
I'm pretty angry. He's already mentally retarded. He's already diabetic. He's already had a terrible time, being abused, misunderstood, mistreated, and stolen from. But I expected him to grow old with me. Mom and I already had plans in place in case of her death for me to take care of him. I was supposed to take care of him.
I'm not sure if I've written this before, but for years now, he's nicknamed me 'Angel'. I wish I was. I wish I could be an angel to keep this from happening. To stop this from hurting him. If I were really an angel, I could do something for him. But I'm not, and I can't. I said something along these lines to him, and he said ''But you're still my angel." Logdamnit, I can't do anything.
I've spent most of the day crying off and on. I hope I run out of tears soon. Why couldn't it have just been in his liver?? I was ready to donate mine! They're removing a portion of his colon tomorrow, to get a tumor out, and sewing it back together. If it doesn't get infected, he'll be able to leave the hospital in a week.
Mom cried so hard when she told me. I want to be there for his surgery, but I have work, and Mia has therapy. There's nothing I can do to help, anyway. Me being there won't help anyone. I'll likely just cause more problems.
I had to tell Mia, because otherwise I knew she'd just worry and become frantic. I'm a little proud of her response: "Well, we'll have to make the rest of the time count!" Yes, we will. We're scheduled to go to the beach on Tuesday, and stay through Sunday. Then I have a week off work. He's about an hour and a half away, so while I'm off work, I may go see him on days I don't have anything scheduled.
I expected to grow old with my big brother, not lose him when we're still so young. How do I explain to future children what a crazy and lovable mess their uncle was? He's been asking me for a baby to spoil for years. I wish I could do that for him. My detestable cousin wouldn't let him hold her baby, and then she gave it away to CPS. I hate this. I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!
Today, my brother had a colonoscopy because he wasn't able to keep food down, he couldn't control his bowel movements, and his liver has lesions. I visited him yesterday and he was fairly normal, except for the bowel movement issues. We stayed for a few hours, and then we came home.
I hoped it was just liver cancer. If it was, I could be a match, and I could give him a portion of my liver, and he'd likely be okay. He smelled like cancer. I was worried.
I was right to be. My brother has colon cancer. It's already Stage IV, and it's spread across his body. Its in his liver, his lymph nodes, and he had septic blood. The doctors estimate he has between 3-18 months to live.
He told me he wish he knew what caused it. Remember, he's 38, but mentally he's about 10. So I told him it was a mutation in his body. He's an X man, but not one of the lucky ones. He seemed to understand that, so I hope it was the right thing to say. He said ''I knew I'd have to go some time." and I broke down crying. I'm a little ashamed, because it felt so self-indulgent, but every time I tried to speak, I choked on my tears.
He told me that once he's gone, not to forget to look at the full moon, because he'll be watching. So I won't. I'll celebrate the full moon. Always.
I'm pretty angry. He's already mentally retarded. He's already diabetic. He's already had a terrible time, being abused, misunderstood, mistreated, and stolen from. But I expected him to grow old with me. Mom and I already had plans in place in case of her death for me to take care of him. I was supposed to take care of him.
I'm not sure if I've written this before, but for years now, he's nicknamed me 'Angel'. I wish I was. I wish I could be an angel to keep this from happening. To stop this from hurting him. If I were really an angel, I could do something for him. But I'm not, and I can't. I said something along these lines to him, and he said ''But you're still my angel." Logdamnit, I can't do anything.
I've spent most of the day crying off and on. I hope I run out of tears soon. Why couldn't it have just been in his liver?? I was ready to donate mine! They're removing a portion of his colon tomorrow, to get a tumor out, and sewing it back together. If it doesn't get infected, he'll be able to leave the hospital in a week.
Mom cried so hard when she told me. I want to be there for his surgery, but I have work, and Mia has therapy. There's nothing I can do to help, anyway. Me being there won't help anyone. I'll likely just cause more problems.
I had to tell Mia, because otherwise I knew she'd just worry and become frantic. I'm a little proud of her response: "Well, we'll have to make the rest of the time count!" Yes, we will. We're scheduled to go to the beach on Tuesday, and stay through Sunday. Then I have a week off work. He's about an hour and a half away, so while I'm off work, I may go see him on days I don't have anything scheduled.
I expected to grow old with my big brother, not lose him when we're still so young. How do I explain to future children what a crazy and lovable mess their uncle was? He's been asking me for a baby to spoil for years. I wish I could do that for him. My detestable cousin wouldn't let him hold her baby, and then she gave it away to CPS. I hate this. I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
MJ's coming out!
She's finally completed enough therapies, and dealt with enough traumas, and finally decided she wants to get better, so she's coming home! We're going to pick her up tomorrow. I was thinking of taking her to a really interesting ramen place in Charlotte for lunch, but after browsing their menu (I enjoyed their food), there's not much that she's not allergic to on it. So I think not.
Maybe we'll get another smoothie. She enjoyed the last one. She'll basically have to live off of the keto diet from now on. And not for asthetics, but due to allergies. Fun stuff. She looked like she would willingly shank my husband for his bread last week.
So, she gets out tomorrow, and Animazement starts tomorrow! i'm super excited!! This year my little brother is also going to come with us, but he'll arrive on Friday, and we'll return him on Monday, have a welcome back party/Memorial Day celebration.
At Animazement, I'm basically gonna look like this:
https://eishiban.deviantart.com/art/Fat-Utena-327444886
and
https://i.warosu.org/data/tg/img/0310/36/1395674739925.jpg
Also? Never ever search for that. Holy shit. I'm a little disconcerted. I wasn't prepared for that.
So, this weekend is hopefully going to be amazing. We've just finished the intake for future therapy for MJ, so yaaaay for that.
I'm bored now, so I'm stopping. Sorry for the five month delay?
Maybe we'll get another smoothie. She enjoyed the last one. She'll basically have to live off of the keto diet from now on. And not for asthetics, but due to allergies. Fun stuff. She looked like she would willingly shank my husband for his bread last week.
So, she gets out tomorrow, and Animazement starts tomorrow! i'm super excited!! This year my little brother is also going to come with us, but he'll arrive on Friday, and we'll return him on Monday, have a welcome back party/Memorial Day celebration.
At Animazement, I'm basically gonna look like this:
https://eishiban.deviantart.com/art/Fat-Utena-327444886
and
https://i.warosu.org/data/tg/img/0310/36/1395674739925.jpg
Also? Never ever search for that. Holy shit. I'm a little disconcerted. I wasn't prepared for that.
So, this weekend is hopefully going to be amazing. We've just finished the intake for future therapy for MJ, so yaaaay for that.
I'm bored now, so I'm stopping. Sorry for the five month delay?
Sunday, January 14, 2018
Illogicon
We’re attending a convention for sci-fi and fantasy located in Cary this weekend. It was really interesting, and our friend also was able to drop by. It’s always nice to hang out with S, though I worry I’m not a very attentive friend. I’m always tired and was looking everywhere at all the costumes.
I didn’t really take a lot of photos, it felt a little pervy since so many women were dressed scantily. Speaking of, tonight I’m looking forward to a belly dancing competition and a onesie party. I have hopes of making friends here, because that seems to be the point of the con.
I also bought a jack skelington apron from the dealers room, and will likely buy sock kitties for the stockings this Christmas. Five dollars a kitten is decent to me, especially since they’re homemade but well made, not cheaply. But I didn’t end up buying any.
That was Saturday. What I didn’t mention was that I saw my first burlesque show too. I didn’t realize it would involve naked people until they warned everyone to not take photos once pasties were visible. Then I was like, Hubby, you down for this? And when he said yes, I was like, Alright, let’s do this! So we didn’t get home til after 1 a.m.
Hence we overslept the next day, still cosplayed, and only got to attend a few things. I kind of wanted chain mail, but couldn’t justify the expense. Even though it was really cool. Not to mention the leather corsets. Man, those would be awesome.
Today was fun, but cosplaying there was less fun/exciting than it was at Animazement. Either way, I think we’re going to be keeping an eye out for other conventions in future, because this was really different from our other experiences, but not in a bad way.
Toodles!
I didn’t really take a lot of photos, it felt a little pervy since so many women were dressed scantily. Speaking of, tonight I’m looking forward to a belly dancing competition and a onesie party. I have hopes of making friends here, because that seems to be the point of the con.
I also bought a jack skelington apron from the dealers room, and will likely buy sock kitties for the stockings this Christmas. Five dollars a kitten is decent to me, especially since they’re homemade but well made, not cheaply. But I didn’t end up buying any.
That was Saturday. What I didn’t mention was that I saw my first burlesque show too. I didn’t realize it would involve naked people until they warned everyone to not take photos once pasties were visible. Then I was like, Hubby, you down for this? And when he said yes, I was like, Alright, let’s do this! So we didn’t get home til after 1 a.m.
Hence we overslept the next day, still cosplayed, and only got to attend a few things. I kind of wanted chain mail, but couldn’t justify the expense. Even though it was really cool. Not to mention the leather corsets. Man, those would be awesome.
Today was fun, but cosplaying there was less fun/exciting than it was at Animazement. Either way, I think we’re going to be keeping an eye out for other conventions in future, because this was really different from our other experiences, but not in a bad way.
Toodles!
Thursday, January 4, 2018
I feel like writing
My tablet updated and basically kicked me out. I can’t get it working, so now I have an iPad. It’s interesting. Pretty easy to use, but some quirks that I can’t get used to. I love my new case though. It’s really neat.
For Christmas I got an ancestry kit from Hubby like I asked for. As well as a set of dark chocolate oranges. They’re really yummy. I feel like I got something else too but don’t remember it right now.
All I got him was a Smartboy, so he could play his game boy games on his new smartphone which I insisted he finally get. Unfortunately he didn’t get a compatible model, and I bought it so long ago I couldn’t return it. It really sucks and makes me feel rather depressed. He doesn’t like when I spend a lot of money though, so I haven’t gotten him anything else. I didn’t think I would need to, since it was expensive and perfect, I thought. So yeah, I failed him this year.
Mj is doing better recently. She hasn’t done any self harming in over a week, but she was harming the week before Christmas. It’s depressing. She cries a lot when we talk, saying she wants to come home and won’t do it again, yet a week or two later, she’s back to giving into her impulses. I want her home, but I’m more opposed to letting her have the opportunity to kill herself, so she’s staying until they’re sure she’s got control of herself.
I know she’s lonely. I’m lonely too. I’ve done well in not buying too much for her. My New Years resolution is to spend less money. I’m trying to control my own impulses and only buy necessary things while remaining on a reasonable budget rather than one that’s optimistic. When I’m too optimistic and can’t meet the goal, I tend to just give up and buy whatever rather than keeping on target.
Incidentally, I’ve found that I most want to go work out etc when I’m not in a good condition for it. Example? I twisted and bruised my ankle Tuesday night. Today I really wanted to go work out at my gym on my way home. Yes, this is always how it works. I’m so damned contrary. But I love being able to be that way. Like, really love it. So I don’t see myself changing that much.
Thankfully I’ve altered my eating habits slightly so that I only eat when I’m super hungry, and try to eat just enough to stop the hunger pains. This has made some progress in my weight loss, though it annoys me to stay hungry so often. There’s also a fine line that I sometimes cross where I end up sick from not eating soon enough, or my stomach gets upset, but I think it’s worth it.
I’m sure there’s tons of things I could write about, but I’ll end here, since I feel satisfied with what I’ve written so far. Happy New Year!
For Christmas I got an ancestry kit from Hubby like I asked for. As well as a set of dark chocolate oranges. They’re really yummy. I feel like I got something else too but don’t remember it right now.
All I got him was a Smartboy, so he could play his game boy games on his new smartphone which I insisted he finally get. Unfortunately he didn’t get a compatible model, and I bought it so long ago I couldn’t return it. It really sucks and makes me feel rather depressed. He doesn’t like when I spend a lot of money though, so I haven’t gotten him anything else. I didn’t think I would need to, since it was expensive and perfect, I thought. So yeah, I failed him this year.
Mj is doing better recently. She hasn’t done any self harming in over a week, but she was harming the week before Christmas. It’s depressing. She cries a lot when we talk, saying she wants to come home and won’t do it again, yet a week or two later, she’s back to giving into her impulses. I want her home, but I’m more opposed to letting her have the opportunity to kill herself, so she’s staying until they’re sure she’s got control of herself.
I know she’s lonely. I’m lonely too. I’ve done well in not buying too much for her. My New Years resolution is to spend less money. I’m trying to control my own impulses and only buy necessary things while remaining on a reasonable budget rather than one that’s optimistic. When I’m too optimistic and can’t meet the goal, I tend to just give up and buy whatever rather than keeping on target.
Incidentally, I’ve found that I most want to go work out etc when I’m not in a good condition for it. Example? I twisted and bruised my ankle Tuesday night. Today I really wanted to go work out at my gym on my way home. Yes, this is always how it works. I’m so damned contrary. But I love being able to be that way. Like, really love it. So I don’t see myself changing that much.
Thankfully I’ve altered my eating habits slightly so that I only eat when I’m super hungry, and try to eat just enough to stop the hunger pains. This has made some progress in my weight loss, though it annoys me to stay hungry so often. There’s also a fine line that I sometimes cross where I end up sick from not eating soon enough, or my stomach gets upset, but I think it’s worth it.
I’m sure there’s tons of things I could write about, but I’ll end here, since I feel satisfied with what I’ve written so far. Happy New Year!
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