Baby names

I’m only writing these down here because I have a terrible memory, and I don’t want to forget. We talked with my brother, and he asked that a child be named Arwin for him (from the Arwood). I offered Sephira for a girl, and Josen for a boy, but he didn’t like them.

So the tentative plan is now for Artemis Sephira for a girl, and Arwin Calypso for a boy. No common names for our littles. They’re gonna have names to be remembered! Hopefully not for turning psychotic and killing people. Just throwing that out there.

July 1st is going to be branded in my memory now

So today was rather memorable. Sorry, this won't be a happy post.

Today, my brother had a colonoscopy because he wasn't able to keep food down, he couldn't control his bowel movements, and his liver has lesions. I visited him yesterday and he was fairly normal, except for the bowel movement issues. We stayed for a few hours, and then we came home.

I hoped it was just liver cancer. If it was, I could be a match, and I could give him a portion of my liver, and he'd likely be okay. He smelled like cancer. I was worried.

I was right to be. My brother has colon cancer. It's already Stage IV, and it's spread across his body. Its in his liver, his lymph nodes, and he had septic blood. The doctors estimate he has between 3-18 months to live.

He told me he wish he knew what caused it. Remember, he's 38, but mentally he's about 10. So I told him it was a mutation in his body. He's an X man, but not one of the lucky ones. He seemed to understand that, so I hope it was the right thing to say. He said ''I knew I'd have to go some time." and I broke down crying. I'm a little ashamed, because it felt so self-indulgent, but every time I tried to speak, I choked on my tears.

He told me that once he's gone, not to forget to look at the full moon, because he'll be watching. So I won't. I'll celebrate the full moon. Always.

I'm pretty angry. He's already mentally retarded. He's already diabetic. He's already had a terrible time, being abused, misunderstood, mistreated, and stolen from. But I expected him to grow old with me. Mom and I already had plans in place in case of her death for me to take care of him. I was supposed to take care of him.

I'm not sure if I've written this before, but for years now, he's nicknamed me 'Angel'. I wish I was. I wish I could be an angel to keep this from happening. To stop this from hurting him. If I were really an angel, I could do something for him. But I'm not, and I can't. I said something along these lines to him, and he said ''But you're still my angel." Logdamnit, I can't do anything.

I've spent most of the day crying off and on. I hope I run out of tears soon. Why couldn't it have just been in his liver?? I was ready to donate mine! They're removing a portion of his colon tomorrow, to get a tumor out, and sewing it back together. If it doesn't get infected, he'll be able to leave the hospital in a week.

Mom cried so hard when she told me. I want to be there for his surgery, but I have work, and Mia has therapy. There's nothing I can do to help, anyway. Me being there won't help anyone. I'll likely just cause more problems.

I had to tell Mia, because otherwise I knew she'd just worry and become frantic. I'm a little proud of her response: "Well, we'll have to make the rest of the time count!" Yes, we will. We're scheduled to go to the beach on Tuesday, and stay through Sunday. Then I have a week off work. He's about an hour and a half away, so while I'm off work, I may go see him on days I don't have anything scheduled.

I expected to grow old with my big brother, not lose him when we're still so young. How do I explain to future children what a crazy and lovable mess their uncle was? He's been asking me for a baby to spoil for years. I wish I could do that for him. My detestable cousin wouldn't let him hold her baby, and then she gave it away to CPS. I hate this. I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!

MJ's coming out!

She's finally completed enough therapies, and dealt with enough traumas, and finally decided she wants to get better, so she's coming home! We're going to pick her up tomorrow. I was thinking of taking her to a really interesting ramen place in Charlotte for lunch, but after browsing their menu (I enjoyed their food), there's not much that she's not allergic to on it. So I think not.

Maybe we'll get another smoothie. She enjoyed the last one. She'll basically have to live off of the keto diet from now on. And not for asthetics, but due to allergies. Fun stuff. She looked like she would willingly shank my husband for his bread last week.

So, she gets out tomorrow, and Animazement starts tomorrow! i'm super excited!! This year my little brother is also going to come with us, but he'll arrive on Friday, and we'll return him on Monday, have a welcome back party/Memorial Day celebration.

At Animazement, I'm basically gonna look like this:

https://eishiban.deviantart.com/art/Fat-Utena-327444886

and

https://i.warosu.org/data/tg/img/0310/36/1395674739925.jpg

Also? Never ever search for that. Holy shit. I'm a little disconcerted. I wasn't prepared for that.

So, this weekend is hopefully going to be amazing. We've just finished the intake for future therapy for MJ, so yaaaay for that.

I'm bored now, so I'm stopping. Sorry for the five month delay?

Illogicon

We’re attending a convention for sci-fi and fantasy located in Cary this weekend. It was really interesting, and our friend also was able to drop by. It’s always nice to hang out with S, though I worry I’m not a very attentive friend. I’m always tired and was looking everywhere at all the costumes.

I didn’t really take a lot of photos, it felt a little pervy since so many women were dressed scantily. Speaking of, tonight I’m looking forward to a belly dancing competition and a onesie party. I have hopes of making friends here, because that seems to be the point of the con.

I also bought a jack skelington apron from the dealers room, and will likely buy sock kitties for the stockings this Christmas. Five dollars a kitten is decent to me, especially since they’re homemade but well made, not cheaply. But I didn’t end up buying any.

That was Saturday. What I didn’t mention was that I saw my first burlesque show too. I didn’t realize it would involve naked people until they warned everyone to not take photos once pasties were visible. Then I was like, Hubby, you down for this? And when he said yes, I was like, Alright, let’s do this! So we didn’t get home til after 1 a.m.

Hence we overslept the next day, still cosplayed, and only got to attend a few things. I kind of wanted chain mail, but couldn’t justify the expense. Even though it was really cool. Not to mention the leather corsets. Man, those would be awesome.

Today was fun, but cosplaying there was less fun/exciting than it was at Animazement. Either way, I think we’re going to be keeping an eye out for other conventions in future, because this was really different from our other experiences, but not in a bad way.

Toodles!

I feel like writing

My tablet updated and basically kicked me out. I can’t get it working, so now I have an iPad. It’s interesting. Pretty easy to use, but some quirks that I can’t get used to. I love my new case though. It’s really neat.
For Christmas I got an ancestry kit from Hubby like I asked for. As well as a set of dark chocolate oranges. They’re really yummy. I feel like I got something else too but don’t remember it right now.
All I got him was a Smartboy, so he could play his game boy games on his new smartphone which I insisted he finally get. Unfortunately he didn’t get a compatible model, and I bought it so long ago I couldn’t return it. It really sucks and makes me feel rather depressed. He doesn’t like when I spend a lot of money though, so I haven’t gotten him anything else. I didn’t think I would need to, since it was expensive and perfect, I thought. So yeah, I failed him this year.
Mj is doing better recently. She hasn’t done any self harming in over a week, but she was harming the week before Christmas. It’s depressing. She cries a lot when we talk, saying she wants to come home and won’t do it again, yet a week or two later, she’s back to giving into her impulses. I want her home, but I’m more opposed to letting her have the opportunity to kill herself, so she’s staying until they’re sure she’s got control of herself.
I know she’s lonely. I’m lonely too. I’ve done well in not buying too much for her. My New Years resolution is to spend less money. I’m trying to control my own impulses and only buy necessary things while remaining on a reasonable budget rather than one that’s optimistic. When I’m too optimistic and can’t meet the goal, I tend to just give up and buy whatever rather than keeping on target.
Incidentally, I’ve found that I most want to go work out etc when I’m not in a good condition for it. Example? I twisted and bruised my ankle Tuesday night. Today I really wanted to go work out at my gym on my way home. Yes, this is always how it works. I’m so damned contrary. But I love being able to be that way. Like, really love it. So I don’t see myself changing that much.
Thankfully I’ve altered my eating habits slightly so that I only eat when I’m super hungry, and try to eat just enough to stop the hunger pains. This has made some progress in my weight loss, though it annoys me to stay hungry so often. There’s also a fine line that I sometimes cross where I end up sick from not eating soon enough, or my stomach gets upset, but I think it’s worth it.
I’m sure there’s tons of things I could write about, but I’ll end here, since I feel satisfied with what I’ve written so far. Happy New Year!

That awkward moment when...

You're feeling weak and you think 'Oh yeah, I was hungry a couple hours ago. I should eat something.'

Then you keep thinking and 'realize' 'Oh, but I'm really overweight, its past midnight, I don't deserve food.'

And yes, thats the thought you have. Not the friendly, politically correct idea of 'Oh, I shouldn't eat, it may have me to gain too much weight.' No. My body has eaten too much, obviously I've had more than my share, I don't deserve any more food.

So then you're reflecting on the honest thought, and how you're a 'strong, powerful mom' that your child is unhealthily focused on, and 'Why can't you get it together for her sake, if not yours?'

You have seen how she watches every move you make, dissects your decisions with a fine tooth comb, and scrutinizes your every conversation with a magnifying glass. If your husband announces a decision, she shrugs. But you? You need a theory, thesis argument, ten references (she will check) and two virgin sacrifices before she accepts it as truth.

And really? While its irritating as fuck, and you get overly annoyed by it, you either stand by your stance, or you're presented with proof you're wrong and you apologize, thank her for checking, and admit you've learned something new. You don't hold to ideas that are proven false because willful ignorance is something you can't accept, other than in hearing about the news. Your life is depressing enough without that piled on top, thanks very much.

So you continue with your second motto of 'Leave things better than you found them', smile at strangers even when you're scared, organize parts of a shop though you're not buying something, help someone move something and go on about your business. You buy extra food and blankets to keep in your car, just in case someone needs it, and now you're back to food.

So you sigh and acknowledge a weak body is stupid, there's a limit to hunger, go get something from the fridge. You open the door, peek inside, see multiple things you normally enjoy, but you don't want anything now. You feel heavy and unattractive, and its not like your stomach is still growling, that passed hours ago. So you shrug, shut the door, and sigh as you snag your computer to head to bed but decide to whip up a quick 'How I've been' post since it's been a while since you've posted.

And you recognize the awkwardness of posting this, because you're not 'secretly looking for compliments/encouragement/denial' you're just observing a part of your day in an unfiltered post because some days are nice and some nights are bad. And you press publish because you don't think its a shameful thing to have these feelings sometimes.

Update. Heard this today and feel very emotional about it:

Update on situation(s) 10/14

So it's been a tumultuous two weeks.

On Thursday, MJ tried to hang herself.

On Saturday, I and my sister get into an extreme shouting match the likes of which I have quite literally never been in with anyone, let alone my sister. I blatantly told her I stopped being her sister when I had to take her daughter in instead of having my own.

On Monday, the hospital discharged our child to a psych ward without telling us, proclaiming they 'left a voicemail' (but mine's been full for weeks, and Hubby never got a call period. I got one phone call), and when we called to see why they called, they said MJ was still there, nothing had changed. When we arrived to give her homework from school, they told us there was no one there by that name. Of course I am irate, what do you mean, that's my daughter, you'd better have her. They ask us to step aside, the social worker will be here shortly to discuss it with us. This is the same social worker that's terribly insensitive and seems to think most children's parents are at fault for everything. That was fun.

On Tuesday, Hubby and I called old friends to discuss the situation, hoping for sympathy, some new ideas of what could have set MJ off, if there's something we didn't see, if there's treatments they've heard that we haven't, etc. That's definitely not what we got.

We got some interesting questions that were leading, and quite evocative of an interrogation, followed by some gentle allegations that we're too strict (particularly me- Which is true, I'm the strict one), too hard on her (not particularly true, we're fairly gentle in most punishments, and rarely get more than vaguely irritated at her when she doesn't meet one, as the bar isn't set very high to begin with), and don't love her enough (W.T.F.)

Now it's certainly true from a distance, if you see us with her once or twice a year, versus a monthly-esque adjustment into the household, you'll see I'm rather strict with her manners and interruptions, as we're unlikely to see said visitors very often at all, and prioritize them on those rare occasions. When I say rare, I mean I'm that strict possibly 4-5 times a year. Most times, MJ's needs are prioritized, even over friends after they've had their '3 visit rule' met.

It's also true that we use our blogs are a diary of sorts, to vent and acknowledge our frustrations and anger, rather than show them to MJ, or worse, take said frustrations out on her. Most of the things we say in these forums will never reach her ears or eyes, as we realize these thoughts are not appropriate to tell her. If all you really hear of our dealings with her are the blogs, or the times she's pushed us to our limit, you're likely to have a skewed idea of our relationship.

But frankly, when a child has attempted suicide, and the parents are struggling, when that child has yet to be released from the hospital, it is never okay to imply that the parents are at fault for not loving her enough. It's not only unhelpful for if it were true: they can hardly suddenly increase their love for a child, it's there or it's not. It's also hurtful, as it's saying the parents aren't worthy of having said child, and are at fault for a child's decision.

It's of particular note that the child made the attempt at school, because she KNEW we pay too much attention to her when she's home to be successful there.

Since then, we've internalized a bit of what they said, questioning ourselves, our relationship with MJ, and our relationship with the ones who believe we're unsuitable parents. Frankly, if we don't love her enough, I'm quite confident no other parent can love her more. If we don't show our love with her enough, that's something we can't attempt to do more than we've been doing before this second attempt, as we've already done as much as we can to show her she's loved since the first. And in final, with such a close-minded view, and refusal to acknowledge they can be wrong, we're still unsure whether we'd like to continue a friendship with such unsupportive friends. We've decided to wait and see what our feelings are after we've finished with the crisis we're currently living in. The final relationship is by far the least of our concerns when our daughter's life is in danger.

Since that Tuesday, we've also looked into the first attempt and second attempts commonalities and found that her first attempt was three days after seeing her bio mother, and this one was six days after. When we visited her on Wednesday, she admitted she'd kept her phone calls as short as possible, and talked to us as little as possible to keep herself from being comforted and loved so she can stay determined to try again. She cried and asked why we had to come, when she wasn't expecting it, and couldn't prepare to be off-putting.

Today, Saturday, we spoke with bio mom, who said she wanted to back off on meeting MJ, as she had finally internalized our conversation from the previous Saturday, and feels that it's her leaving MJ at the end of the visits that is setting MJ off. The conversations they have could have an impact, but my thought is that MJ wasn't stable from the start of the meeting due to her friend's attempt a few weeks ago. She wasn't warned that she'd see her bio mom, and that likely wrecked her equilibrium, as she almost immediately was using an online consultation after she left her.

It certainly doesn't help that she feels isolated and bullied at school, and I was too nauseas that week to work out with her (she went with her dad instead), so she likely felt a lack of support compared to most weeks. We still talked about her day, what she did, what she liked, what she looked forward to, what she didn't like, just like every day. But it wasn't enough.

As both our parents have stated, we've given everything we can give and it's not enough right now to keep her stable. She needs professional assistance to get a cushion to help her deal with feelings that overwhelm her. All the love and acceptance in the world won't save her from herself when she's drowning in her own feelings that she hasn't learned to assimilate well enough.

Unfortunately, I know this from experience myself. These last two weeks have been so stressful, I'm slipping in and out of depression. I was reminded on Thursday just how difficult and pointless life seems when you're depressed. I woke utterly bereft of any feeling beyond grief and weariness. What was the point of getting out of my bed, when it's just going to be a long, listless day without my daughter, separated from my husband, littered with tears from grief? Why continue to exist? What's the point? I ended up running late, but I got up, dressed, and on my way to work. I stayed close to tears for hours while I worked, trying not to give in and worry my clients. At one point, I texted Hubby in despair because I couldn't remember how to smile and every time I tried, it looked wrong.

It finally faded away enough to let me get through my day. I'm quite good at pretending, after all. But that night we went to Costco, and they had a 58" teddy bear on sale. Now normally, I ask Hubby for extravagances before I put them in the cart. This time, I didn't hesitate. I picked up the first one to catch my eye, and put it into the cart. Then I looked right at Hubby and waited. He didn't even quibble. What he did do was check it over and declare it wasn't good enough, because it had some straggly hair. So I picked a different one, he looked it over, and I put it into the cart. This teddy is nearly 5 feet long, thicker in the middle than I am, and so soft and cuddly. I smiled without effort for the first time that day.

The social worker and case worker for MJ are looking into long-term care for her in a psych ward to get her stabilized. They say it's not uncommon for a chemical imbalance to happen during puberty, and after a year without suicide attempts, the danger has usually passed and they can begin weaning her off the drugs slowly. The therapist Hubby and I have been seeing said she's seen cases where the child wakes up one day and just no longer feels hopeless, and will be fine. I'm kind of banking on that, and willing to wait and keep working toward it. The therapist said that working with children like this is like an abusive relationship, and therapy is simply wiping our wounds before going back in the ring, ready to deal with her fairly and gently until she's able to handle more.

I'm relaxing my honesty stance. I've always been strictly honest to the point of being painfully so, but I don't feel that's necessarily in MJ's best interest right now. 'The truth hurts' is quite certainly true, as proven on last Saturday when I tore into my sister without a single lie, but plenty of truths that she never knew, and was not ready to face until it was screamed into her ear. My words are still in her head, as proven by our conversation tonight, when she said she felt backing off, initiating contact when the psychiatrist suggests it, starting slowly with letters, then phone calls, then visits would be best.

So I'm relaxing it. I'm tired of adhering to being strictly honest, and it doesn't seem to be beneficial for the most part, beyond all children immediately believing me when I assure them I'm being truthful. Look forward to some entertaining tall tales in future. It's kinda fun to see how well I'm believed when I'm bullshitting. Also, Hubby? Jackalopes aren't real, but your face when I told you they were and you believed me certainly was amusing. Love you!