Skip Beat Kyoko and Ren "Hate That I Love You"

This was supposed to be that the end of the last post. My bad.

Okay, serious cuddling is my favorite pastime.

Maya is totally my favorite person/creature in this house right now. She cuddled with me for hours on my bed tonight. It's the most personal attention I've received in this house from a family member since I came back.

I played with TJ yesterday, and it was a serious relief to have someone I trust implicitly in my vicinity for more than just an hour or two. Don't get me wrong, I trust my family. I also realize they'll use me for whatever they want. And it may not always be what is good for me.

So................Cin had the baby, and tonight, when her boy smacked her on the ass one too many times, trying to wake her up, she swung around and smacked him. Except, by 'him' I mean Z-nee. In the head. Accidentally. She didnt know he was holding her. He then used this to bash in on her about how she's abusive, childish, stupid, and in need of serious remodelling if she's gonna make it in this world. She's been crying forever. And lashing out blindly with her words, trying to hurt him back, and finally bursting out against the negative feelings she's been feeling against him for weeks. He's digging in with the insults and what she needs. I step in to figure out what's wrong, but when the convo changes from hitting Z-nee to their unhappy relationship, I step out.

Until he starts talking about how great *I* am. At that point, I listen for a minute and step in. Say to keep me out of it. He's all about how he's not insulting me, blah blah. I don't give a damn. Don't compare us. We're totally different people. It makes me wonder if my sisters hate me. I mean, in the words of her boy, "She's going places. She knows what she's doing in life" and my sissie replied with something like "and I'm just trailerpark trash." When they compare themselves to me, do they find themselves wanting? In making something of myself, am I dooming them to the feelings of inadequacy? Pounding on their flesh, making them feel self-conscious or unworthy? I don't want that. I really don't want that. I love my family. I know they're wonderful people if they aren't too depressed for reality.

I also know my family is fairly weak. Like, their souls are weak. That comes across wrong. But it's kinda true. They're weak, and seek help in forms of drugs and other things of that nature to make them strong, when all they need is a good firm love and self respect. They're not gonna listen to me; I'm the youngest. And it's even harder for them because they have children. Anyway, I digress.

Um, I guess I'm now eaten up with the thought that my sister might hate me. Can you be proud of another person without being the least bit envious?

Alrighty

First off, yay for custom designing your template. Second, man, I'm tired.

So, I've imagined blogging for the last week or two, in the wee hours of the morn, and I can realize it would be a long, boring, drone on how much things suck. I don't wanna subject ya'll to that. So, suffice to say, life is going on.

I have not yet found a job. I haven't put as much effort into it as I should have, either though. I've read a ton of books though. And become thoroughly pissed at my sister and her boyfriend. They're constantly fighting, and somehow think I don't mind. Or think I'm on their sides. Both of them. Kinda just wanna bitch-slap them and say to shut up and take it like a man. Not sure if that makes sense.

I wonder what Rozy is doing. If she's in town, I'd like to hang out with her some time.

Pineapples has contacted me! Yippee! ^.^ I'm very happy. When is a good time to call you? I'm too nervous to try at random times. Maybe.


Poor bf. We haven't really spent much quality time together. Of course, he's very busy, so I can understand. It makes me wanna go into lecture mode though. So I will.

I would like to point out, that just as now, if you don't make time for things, they're slip away from you and you'll lose the chance. It's like youth. You don't feel it slip away, but if you don't enjoy it while you have it, you'll lose it before you ever really knew you had it. Or you think you have it, but if you don't take care, it'll be gone before you ever see it slipping away. Bf, aren't you lonely, always studying or working, or taking your class? I worry about you. Think of all the hours in the week. Now make a mental chart of where all your hours go. It's a good exercise for anyone, honestly.

Speaking of, I hope I already mentioned, but I have no internet on my laptop, so I have to wait for mom to not be on the compie before I can get on it.

Oh my goodness. *complete surprise* I just tried Rum Raisin Ice Cream. It tastes like alcohol, and I kinda think it needs an 'alcohol __%' sign on it. I feel like I'm drinking, without the drink. I like the raisins though.

I'm taking my sis to court tomorrow, and then I have a date with TJ. At least, I think I do. *shrug* Since bf said no, the two of us will prolly go see Iron Man 2. Or watch Avatar at my place. Or movies or games at his place. Hmmm, we actually have quite a few options. That's pretty nice. I could maybe even get him to watch some anime I haven't taken the time to watch yet.

I've come to realize that it's not a matter of not having the time for something, usually it's a matter of not TAKING or MAKING the time to do something. So I try not to say I don't HAVE the time. I try to be totally honest. "I can't take the time to..." "Sorry, I don't wanna make the time to..." things like that.

Mimi and I (niece) went to the store and bought sweets. Then we came home and went for a walk together. Chay joined us, and when we'd gone like, half a block, they BOTH started complaining and screaming about their legs hurting, and how they wanted to go back. I was like "...........Serious?....I mean......really?! Hell NO!" And we ended up walking the entire block crescent moon type thing that is one fourth of my neighborhood. My neighborhood is tiny. It's small. There's no reason they can't walk that little bit. I'm thinking this needs to become a regular occurence. They are WAY too out of shape for their age. If they need a push to work and play, I'll give them a push when I can. *nods* And then we utterly wasted all that healthy work by eating sweets. A ton of them. I consider it a job well done.

Oh, I just remembered. When my niece and I showered together tonight, you wouldn't believe what she said! She was looking at my breasts, and was like, "Yours aren't like Mommy's. Mommy's looks like they're rotting." I was like *jaw drop* "Huh?!" And then it hit me: "Mimi! Your mom's nipples are brown because she's breast feeding! They're not rotting!" And of course, as only a child will say "Well it LOOKS like they are!" I would have laughed if I wasn't so flabbergasted at her. Now I can't wait to tell Sissie about it.

I have a skill. It's a skill that I'm very proud of. I can make nearly any child in direct contact with me fall asleep. Pretty fast too, unless they're trying to stay awake. Then it takes a little longer. Cin's boy says I'll make a great mother. And that when Z-nee gets a little older, I'm one of 'the trusted few' that can 'take her whenever, for a weekend or whatever'. I just don't know how to handle a guy like him. *shakes head* Coldness, haughtiness, and "Fuck-Off" vibes just don't work! And he's ALWAYS AGREEING WITH ME! I don't understand, nor LIKE such things!

Z-nee relaxes very easily in my arms, and cries alot in her fathers. It makes me laugh. I'm terrible, I know.

Okay, I'll stop. Basically, yay new neice and freindly contact. Boo being home and drama I can't escape.

I couldn't decide between these two vids. I love the songs, AND the videos are totally great with them. They also pretty much suit the real stories.

Yeah yeah, blogging now....

But you can't expect me to blog very often. My euphoric summer vacation is essentially over. I'm back home after two months of bliss, living with Kei-chan. I couldn't find a job and ran out of money to stay there. *sigh* I really need a job though, so Mom's taking me to the Unemployment office this week.

I've been meeting with a Japanese businessman (We'll call him Aki) and we all meet weekly to hang out. I want to continue that, but I don't know if we'll be able to. Until I find a job, I'm gonna continue to.

I'm filing for a visa to Japan, but I need to find my passport. I left it somewhere. Ah well, I'm sure I'll find it soon enough. I'll be in Japan from September 10th-July 17th, at least. Its still sinking in for me.

Im attempting to drink 3 glasses of water a day, work out or do some sort of exercise for at least 2 hrs, and space out my eating to prevent myself from just grubbing out here. The only real problem Ive had so far is: I bought a snack for myself, right? Then I ate lunch, and knew I should wait an hour before I eat the snack, so I closed it, left it out of the way, and came back about an hour later, ready to eat it. The only thing was, someone else had been ready to eat it too, and I ended up with half the snack, instead of the whole thing. *sigh* It's not a big deal, I didn't even like it that much, but it shows what I can expect.

People here fight, and snap and argue about everything and anything, and no one thinks to pick their battles, so there's a ton of unnecessary conflict in addition to understandable fights. Its really a headache.

Since the router is broken here, I won't be online much, but I will find a way to check email every day, so you can email me or call me. Mom's just gotten home, so I need to get off. Love ya'll!

I've completely fallen for this song: