I played with TJ yesterday, and it was a serious relief to have someone I trust implicitly in my vicinity for more than just an hour or two. Don't get me wrong, I trust my family. I also realize they'll use me for whatever they want. And it may not always be what is good for me.
So................Cin had the baby, and tonight, when her boy smacked her on the ass one too many times, trying to wake her up, she swung around and smacked him. Except, by 'him' I mean Z-nee. In the head. Accidentally. She didnt know he was holding her. He then used this to bash in on her about how she's abusive, childish, stupid, and in need of serious remodelling if she's gonna make it in this world. She's been crying forever. And lashing out blindly with her words, trying to hurt him back, and finally bursting out against the negative feelings she's been feeling against him for weeks. He's digging in with the insults and what she needs. I step in to figure out what's wrong, but when the convo changes from hitting Z-nee to their unhappy relationship, I step out.
Until he starts talking about how great *I* am. At that point, I listen for a minute and step in. Say to keep me out of it. He's all about how he's not insulting me, blah blah. I don't give a damn. Don't compare us. We're totally different people. It makes me wonder if my sisters hate me. I mean, in the words of her boy, "She's going places. She knows what she's doing in life" and my sissie replied with something like "and I'm just trailerpark trash." When they compare themselves to me, do they find themselves wanting? In making something of myself, am I dooming them to the feelings of inadequacy? Pounding on their flesh, making them feel self-conscious or unworthy? I don't want that. I really don't want that. I love my family. I know they're wonderful people if they aren't too depressed for reality.
I also know my family is fairly weak. Like, their souls are weak. That comes across wrong. But it's kinda true. They're weak, and seek help in forms of drugs and other things of that nature to make them strong, when all they need is a good firm love and self respect. They're not gonna listen to me; I'm the youngest. And it's even harder for them because they have children. Anyway, I digress.
Um, I guess I'm now eaten up with the thought that my sister might hate me. Can you be proud of another person without being the least bit envious?
1 comment:
I don't think it matters. Its not your responsibility to feel bad for what your family may see as their own shortcomings. The reality is that they dig holes for themselves all the time. Its their choice, and while I guess I understand you feeling bad or concerned for them, I feel that if you let that get to you that it would just be dragging you down with them. They are grown adults with children and made their own decisions, for better or worse. They should be a little jealous of you, but not because you are going places. Rather, it should be because they did not pursue having a better life or put in the effort and work to get a better life. And they made a couple of terrible choices along the way. That didn't help. But don't feel guilty for learning from their mistakes and going places.
The difference between being trailer trash and not being trash is that you don't let yourself be treated like trash. You make decisions and take action to show you value yourself more than that. It really is that simple. Your family can make that switch anytime if they really wanted to. But until they actually do embrace reality, I would feel bad for them and support them, but not feel guilty for making a good life for myself. And I'm pretty sure your sis would let you know if she really hated you. It just seems like something your family would not hold back. Aggression is one thing they are really good at.
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