Guess what I did?

I didn't mean to keep it a secret or anything, but I got my tattoo redone today. I don't really know why I didn't tell a lot of people, but *shrug*.
So this is the before:

 And this is the after:

So today was interesting, at least. We dropped Hubby off at work, and then MJ and I went to Pandera's for breakfast. I asked for raisins and brown sugar/cinnamon with my oatmeal, and the cashier said okay. I figured, they have cinnamon raisin bagels, they have raisins, right? Nope. When they brought it out to me, I went up and asked about the raisins. I'm pretty sure I got the manager, by chance, and she was upset. She offered to refund my purchase, and 'have a talk' with the cashier, but I didn't want the cashier in trouble, so I refused. I ate my (rather sweet) oatmeal, and wished for raisins.

This song is from Big Hero 6 and I LOOOOOVE it. :D


After that, MJ said she was still hungry, so I offered that we could eat when we got to where we were going (a good 40 minute drive). She agreed, and didn't bother me about food until we got there. When we got there (nearly two hours early), we wandered around in the car (It's in the 30s today) looking at houses and stuff. MJ and I LOVE the place. We're seriously talking about moving there. Or near there.

Can you believe this song is TEN years old???


So then we go back to store about an hour or so early (because MJ was hungry again) and stopped in at the Thai place right next to it for food(I saw it when we first drove by) and were SO DISAPPOINTED. I literally ate two bites of my meal, and boxed it up. It was spicy and undercooked. We ended up actually giving it away, it was so bad.

I don't think I've heard this song often, but I certainly agree with what Will says.


So we were rather eager to leave, and ended up at the Tattoo shop 30 minutes early. Then we spent an hour hashing out the tattoo details, and he got booked up for the rest of the day. Finally, he set things up, I approved the changes, and we got started.

This is solely for the irony points:


I should never do this again. I don't really like how blocky he was though. I really REALLY like fade-aways and delicate details, and there is NONE of that left now. So I may end up doing it again, but not without taking a hell of a lot of strong pain pills first. Since MJ was watching, I couldn't cry, but I tried to bargain for less after the first ten minutes. Turns out he'd already done all the outlines so to do less would have been....really bad looking. I got chills, and my legs were shaking embarrassingly strongly. I really wanted to quit, and tensed so much that I nearly lost feeling in my arms. I didn't like it. I don't know why people like it. It's like carving into your skin, and calling it 'pretty'. Comparatively, the outlines were carving deep furrows into your skin (felt like, not really), while the coloring in was tickling and stinging. By the time he was just coloring in, I was laughing, it felt so much better.

I picked this solely for the title, but it looks a little like Star Wars.


This feels a bit like what I want to do, but am not allowed to:


So we paid (I gave a $20 tip, simply cause it was done relatively fast, and he didn't complain about my squirming) and left. I let MJ decide what direction for a while, but she kept saying 'Go that way' or 'Turn here' or 'What about this road' without any identifying details, so I got really frustrated, and she stopped. Then she said she was hungry again, so we tried several places that ended up being closed before we stumbled on a Subway, where MJ had a flatizza, and I had soup. I also bought mucho cookies, for no real reason before we walked over to a Teapioca (Can you say yummy matcha bubble tea?) and played games.

Ooh underboob + Gaga flashbacks.


We played Scrabble, where I fit in some vocabulary and math lessons simultaneously. She didn't enjoy losing. She actually kept up pretty well until I got 'Queen' across two triple points. I got 200+ points from that word alone, so.... Game over, essentially. Then we played one of her favorites 'Giant Spoon' which is frightfully boring with 2 people. So I won both. And we left.



We did other stuff, but it wasn't as interesting. Essentially, shopping, then picking up Reb (We happened to come an hour early, right when he coincidentally got off work due to lack of children), then going to 4 different restaurants to get dinner and finding them all closed or out of chicken (we wanted fried chicken to take home and eat). Finally found one, but they gave us mild AND spicy, and I kept getting the spicy ones. Dinner was interesting, because we all watched Master Chef Junior Edition for the first time. MJ commented on how the guys were cute, or how the food looked good. She behaved fairly well. I wanted some Pumpkin Butter for my biscuits, but we had a hell of a time getting it open. I'd finally bought it tonight, so it took forever.



After dinner, we made MJ start part of her punishment: Writing two pages of 'essays' with a topic we assign (we're covering all the things  she did wrong the other day right now--Oh, she called me a bitch, said she was definitely gonna get pregnant ASAP and then kill the baby in front of me, so that would show me. Why, you ask? Because I made her get her shots, including two that weren't required but highly recommended.). She complained a little too much, so I gave her the fish oil (punishment for cursing) early, causing her to gag and whine, but she eventually stopped, simply because my patience waned and I told her we'd donate a box of her toys (they're ALL gone until she fills an entire composition book of 100 pages with essays. She's writing two pages a day. It'll be a while til she gets them back.) instead of just hold on to them. I was serious too. This whining is getting to be too much.

There's a point to choosing this song, but I'm not explaining. Any ideas?


Finally she finished, then read for a bit, then showered, and finally scrapbooked while she was waiting for the New Year to arrive. I barely made it with the cold (taking money outside and bringing it in to bring money in the whole year). Hubby and I kissed, MJ stared at the fireworks, and I had to start nagging. *sigh* So we argued, MJ got tucked in by Hubby (he usually does it now, since she likes how he does it), and we've returned to our computers. Happy New Year?

MJ has gotten to be a little too comfortable.

By that, I mean she had the audacity to scream at me today. I checked to be sure there were no other cars around (I'd just pulled into our parking lot) and slammed the brakes so we stopped quickly. I then turned around and chewed into her until she was crying more than she has in the last month, combined. Then I parked and shredded her some more. She was VERY mouthy today. In fact, my throat is really painful, simply because I ended up using a very stern voice and occasionally yelled. I've never been one to yell, so just think of the frustration she sent me to in order for my throat to hurt from yelling/sharp tones.
She also decided 'she didn't have a reason to live, so she might as well cut her own throat with a kitchen knife when we got home'. ....Well, I couldn't let that slide, now could I? I'm pretty sure she was lashing out to say the most hurtful things she could, but that doesn't excuse her choice of topic and decision. I steadily dealt blow after blow into that idea until she was crying, apologizing, saying she was so sorry, and she was wrong, and that killing herself was a bad idea. So you don't think that I was being needlessly mean, I told her how she doesn't see or understand the sacrifices people make for her. And how plenty of people would be sad and upset if she died. Also, I confronted her on how we're supposed to tell her little sister she died because she didn't have a reason to live. I asked her how she thought that would effect the littlin. She burst out crying, and said not to mention her sister or mother (cause I went all out and brought up everyone). I told her (essentially) tough shit, she's gonna hear everything. I even explained to her that as she's Christian, committing suicide is usually professed to send you straight to hell.
I find suicide to be a silly thing to do. You never know what will happen tomorrow, so to take a life, even your own, is a very.... offensive thing. And for her to think she can believe shit like that around us, well. She'd better rethink her words, is all I'll say about that. She asked what sacrifices we had made for her, and I told her that frankly, it was none of her business, and she had no right to know. That we were happy to make the sacrifices for her, but that her behavior has been appalling and I expect to see changes.

New topic! She had a cut on her hand, and kept tinkering with it with dirty hands (cause she had the goats today and didn't wash her hands afterward). I asked her if she wanted it to be infected and lose her hand. She had the gall to say yes. She said she didn't need two hands. Well, I took her up on that challenge. She will have her hand wrapped the fuck up in a fist for the next week. She will be unable to use it for anything except blunt force pushing. Good luck with the goats, Missy. She already found that putting on a seat belt, eating, opening doors, carrying bags, using the toilet, and holding a towel are very difficult with only one hand. Even better, she will be using it for her science project if she can come up with a question/hypothesis and experiment that her teacher approves of. No use wasting a good experience, right? To that end, she's keeping a journal of all the things she had difficulty doing without both hands.

I also talked to her teacher today after the meeting about her first teacher leaving (I'll get to that meeting in a bit). We're setting up a homework relay between the teacher and me via MJ so she can no longer say 'I don't have homework' when she does. Her teacher will also make copies of all of MJ's tests, and we will go over every problem she either got wrong or guessed on. Then we will do similar problems until she fully understands the hows and whys. She got a freakin' 47 on her midterms!!! And she's averaging about 60 on all of her tests.

Another thing I found out today: She didn't make GT (which is another reason I think she had that breakdown today). Our neighbors are FUCKING LOUD. I have headphones in. And my music is fairly loud. And I STILL hear their stomping around. That's ridiculous.

Let's see. The meeting about the teachers for the remainder of the year: They're essentially having their K-4th grade support teacher take her test so she can be a 5th grade teacher (she volunteered, it seems, but MJ really doesn't like her, so I'm not too excited). She will then take over the reading/vocabulary portion of the class. She will actually have two support personnel (substitute teachers/special assistants) to help her as she's 'new' to this, but essentially, they're trying to keep the teacher changes minimal and the hiring 'in-house'. MJ's original teacher was being 'unprofessional' and 'disruptive' so they had police escort him off the property the day before his final day (as he'd resigned already because he didn't feel he had the support he needed here). They wouldn't give any more details than that, and I don't really care that much. I mean, he was nice, but I didn't feel that MJ was learning anything. I'm much more concerned about her math, and we're taking steps to improve that, including a tutor starting in January.
Speaking of the tutor, I told her in no-uncertain terms that if she was disrespectful of her tutor, her new boots would be donated the same day I heard the complaint. And she would not get another pair. That got her immediate compliance. We'll see how long it lasts. Honestly, her new boots are hard to put on, so it'd be a relief to not have to deal with it.

We went roller skating on Saturday. I'd like to go back on a common basis, simply because I enjoyed it. Admittedly, I fell and hurt my wrist, so I've had to ice it for the last two days between and after massages, but it was still fun. What I couldn't believe is that we had to threaten to leave before MJ would willingly get on the damn rink. I had to count down to 1 before she got on it, and then she argued 'I'm on it!' and tried to get out of having to move on it. When she started actually trying, and I complimented her, I saw a brief flash of pride and happiness on her face and that made me happy. Until she got cocky and defiant again. Seriously, sometimes I see myself in her, and sometimes I see flashes of the child she used to be, but mostly I see her damn mom's destructive tendencies. I think she's clinging to them as a connection to Cin, but they HAVE to go, or we're going to lose her to something ridiculous like a man's dick.


I felt this song was a good follow-up to my previous post's. It's pretty funny, honestly. I've been watching Bart Baker's parodies. They're pretty good. I like how most of Taylor Swift's parodies call her the devil. Not because I think she is, but because I think it's funny for America's sweetheart to be a devil.

Our darling little princess has outdone herself again.

First, a cute, and oddly accurate list of things twenty-somethings need for Christmas: http://www.literallydarling.com/blog/2014/12/09/what-twenty-somethings-actually-want-for-the-holidays/

And now, on to the show. Today was our princess's birthday. I really wanted it to be nice, because I realize it's her first birthday completely cut off from Nana and the rest of the family. Even in foster care, we all did what we could to get her gifts, call, and see her on her birthday. This year, she got the phone calls, but of course the only ones she got to see was us.
It went very well at first. She was excited about her gifts, and the money she got in all the cards ($42 total-And she'll need it. She doesn't get an allowance until April 6th), but at the end of opening them all, her first question was "That's it? Where's the rest of the presents?" Now, I understand she was asking about the gifts that Nana and co. bought for her, but they haven't mailed those yet, and I can't make them apparate here. But still, she got well over 5 gifts, and subtly criticized EACH one.
I spent a good amount of time looking over each gift, agonizing over prices and finding what would suit her the best. I shopped for hours, and constantly thought of how to make her day better, all to hear her say 'Oh, that's not what I wanted.' or 'Oh, is that all it does?'
On the plus side, I rather expected that. So while it annoyed me, it did not really hurt me. What hurt me was at the end of the meal, when she was admittedly tired and obviously ready for bed, she made the comment "I never have good birthdays anyway. They always suck." I'm paraphrasing here. The gist however, was that. That made me angry. Because EVERYONE in our family has called me, multiple fucking times today and this week, all scrambling to make sure MJ knows we care and love her and miss her and are proud of her. Now if you know me at all, you know I have a crippling dislike of the phone. Add in that I sleep during the most 'popular time' for them to call, and you get a sleep-deprived, annoyed, yet understanding Runa that just got told everyone's efforts were worth shit. My 'give-a-fuck-meter' broke.
I told her that she was responsible for carrying out all of her gifts (which is fair, because I and Hubby were able to carry them individually with no problem, they weren't heavy or even to bulky if she took any care with arranging them, which of course she didn't), and if she left anything, she would lose it.
In the car, I reiterated that gifts are a responsibility, and if we feel she's not ready for it, we will take away the gifts until she is. Some of you may feel it is wrong to take a gift from a child. I feel it's wrong to let a child abuse their privileges. Gifts are just that, gifts, not rights. She said she understood, and her behavior improved while in the car, and then rapidly degenerated when we got home. She ignored my directions multiple times, and eventually I decided to wash my hands of it. Hubby put her to bed and took care of giving her the nightly bedtime rituals.

Believe me, I understand that with children, a strong high (joyful emotions) is inevitably followed by a crash (crying/negative emotions), especially when they get tired. I'm not actually angry. But I am also intolerant of lack of gratitude and lack of being aware of what she's been given. She received money from three families, all of whom are currently struggling financially to make ends meet, and not only did they give her money, they gave her gifts and love. Our child will NOT be raised unaware of the willing sacrifice people make in hopes of pleasing her, and she WILL understand that spitting on people's feelings is wrong. It doesn't matter how bad she feels, she won't be deriding her loved one's attempts to make her happy for long. We'll be having discussions about this and her attitude for the next two weeks, and hopefully we'll see an improvement at Christmas. Goodness knows she needs one.

Well. I LOVE this song because of the beat and the imagery, but this video is, frankly, disturbing. It's like Carry meets Scream meets Mr. Stalker. .....Doesn't mean I dislike it, but I wouldn't let MJ see it. Its a little scary how well Adam Levine does creepy.


Goodnight!

Get me out of here

Is kinda my thoughts when I'm at work, lately. By lately, I mean today. Before my shift, the Head Receptionist pulled me aside and had a talk with me. The essential message being, don't get another bad review. I can understand why both the Head Receptionist and the Head Therapist would want to pull me aside and have that talk with me (I've gotten four or so bad reviews, two verbal, two written), since they've kind of stuck their neck out for me, telling the owner not to fire me, that I'm a good worker, etc. The owner's policy is '3 in a month and you're gone' (and ironically, no one tells us that until we get three) but the Heads both asked her not to fire me. So I've had that talk once. And then I got it again today.
The end result being, each time I put my hands on someone, I kept thinking about what if I wasn't satisfying them, and was this the last client for me, and things like that, until essentially it felt like an axe was hanging over my head, waiting for me to mess up and lose my job.
I think it's interesting that when the topic first came up, A. I was kinda blind-sided, and B. I was resigned to being fired. C. I didn't really care, either. Even now, it's not that I care so much about losing my job as it is that I care about losing the income, and not being able to see the clients that come specially for me. There's only four or so, (I'm egotistical to admit that I expected more 'followers' than four after seven months, but that apparently didn't happen) but I still really like them. Of the four, there's two, possibly three of them that are willing to see other therapists, so it's not really a big deal for the spa.
I talked with my teacher about it, and even though I wasn't trying to make it sound bad, he was rather incensed on my behalf, and told me that a job was a job, and if it wasn't suiting me, I needed to move on and find one that did. That he knows I'm a good therapist, and he respects me, and that I should respect myself enough to not be stuck in a job that isn't serving me well.
I think there's truth to that, but I also think this job is fairly lucrative, and fairly easy, so I'd dislike losing my income over a few people that weren't satisfied. I definitely was getting bored at work, so this could be a good thing, but I'd like the record of having worked somewhere for at least a year. I don't currently have that.
I also keep thinking about why I seem to be so dislikeable. I'm soft-spoken and gentle, I have a good sense of humor, I don't take offense easily, and I forgive easily. So why am I so disliked?

I like this song quite a bit. I think it's quite artful and amusing. The video is kinda sad though.