And we weren't poisoned! Yay! She made beef lasagna from the hamburger helper box. It wasn't bad, actually, but while I was eating it I was almost sick because I wanted veggies so much more than I wanted meat. There were no veggies at all, just pasta and meat and sauce and ugh. Next week she's planning to make spaghetti.
Heheheh. I just remembered part of her cooking today. So basically when she cooks, I sit in the kitchen on my laptop and 'supervise' while she works things out. She usually starts out trying to get me to do everything for her, while I just blankly stare at her until she does it herself. Perfect example: "Where's the pan?'' *Blank stare* She looks on the wall where it hangs. ''Oh. Got it.'' Eventually she starts getting into the groove of it. I check on her, let her know when the meat is cooked properly (I don't want to die), and actually supervise once she stops trying to play stupid. Well today she was stirring and she asked me to prepare the milk for her. I glanced at her, decided it was a fair request, and prepared it for her. She kinda laughed and said "This is just like when you're cooking and you make me help you! It's fair!" I laughed and agreed. I don't mind helping a bit, and it makes her more confident to know I'm watching over it.
I do want to say, if you got me a gift and I haven't thanked you for it, it isnt because I don't like it or anything like that. I'm actually struggling really hard to get over my inferiority issues. I'm pretty sure everyone's aware already, but just to reiterate: I have a near crippling fear that I am constantly bothering someone if I contact them. I don't think my mom's clear 'Yes, I'm busy, if it's not important hang up' methods help that. It's kinda cool though that I actually have called my sisters this week. Yes, they called me first, but I actually called back, which is way more than I usually am able to do. So yes, I liked everything I received, and no, I am not purposely ignoring anyone. I'm just gathering courage.... slowly. :/
Mia decided on her own that this video was too explicit for her. Sometimes it tickles me how innocent she can be.
I like this song, but she looks so tense that I don't enjoy the video. It's a good attempt to be funny, but it doesn't suit my tastes.
I like this one too. I didn't watch the video because I didn't want to get disillusioned.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
We had a hiring seminar today
It was pretty awful. Less than half the registered participants showed up, and it cut into our work time so severely that I was still working at 5:30 when I should have been off at 4 p.m. My timer clock automatically logs me out at 5 though. In addition to that, the new office (we moved into it this week) is ridiculously creepy when you're there alone. So at 5:20 I said fuck it all and took my work home with me. Got stuck in traffic and didn't get home til after 6 p.m. when it typically takes about 12 minutes to get to work. Then while MJ made dinner for the first time (with liberal help from me to prevent accidental poisoning), I worked to meet my daily requirements.
I was basically told to have all of these things done by the time I come in tomorrow, so I pretty much worked for 3 hours of overtime to do it, and only got paid for one of those, but I got it all done. I don't even care about getting paid for overtime, honestly. I just genuinely don't know if I'm just that slow, or if I'm being taken advantage of. It's really hard to see if my abilities are increasing, stagnating, or decreasing since they keep changing my daily tasks. I know last Monday I was sick as hell but still came in, and my production was super low, but I was nearly back to normal the rest of the week. I think they're holding that against me.
The motivational speaker today talked about how everyone has greatness in them, and light, and that they could beat the darkness. He invited questions, and I asked about tips to be a better speaker. He seemed to think I was asking personally, but I'm actually a good public speaker. It's one-on-one conversations where I struggle, or where I try to make myself understood clearly but only end up confusing people. That's nearly fatal in this industry.
He asked us why we work for CPR (or want to). He asked what we wanted out of it. My answer was basically: Money to provide for my family.... What was our passion and how could we bring it to bear on CPR? For example, if your passion is fashion, you could put on a fashion show for CPR. I was like 'You sound SO stupid.' but played along since it kinda felt like our jobs were on the line. He apparently specializes in reaching Millineals (People born between 1986 and 2006) but while it was interesting, I didn't think it was very inspiring. I am thinking about suggesting we get a secretary to screen phone calls though. It's very detrimental on our job performance to constantly have to answer the phones when it's often not our client or property.
Since MJ is now 12, she has to cook dinner on Wednesdays. I'm going to be helping her for the first month or two, but after she gets comfortable with the stove and some easy meals, I'm going to ease supervision until she can cook by herself. It's something I wish my mom had done for me. Learning to cook while being a newly-wed is a bit of an exercise in frustration. MJ found it frustrating too, but when she started raising her voice at me, I told her to come stand in front of me.
I talked to her about how this is training for the rest of her life, and I'm here to help her learn so she can be self-sufficient later. I'm doing this to help her, and I don't deserve her frustration and yelling at me. After that talk, she didn't yell again, but she did ask a lot of repetitive questions that could have been answered if she read the instructions on the box, so I got annoyed.
We got MJ's eye prescription today, so I'm going to take her to get her glasses. If I don't do it tomorrow, Hubby can do it on Friday, so I'm not too stressed about it, but I would dearly love to get off work on time for once.
So, confession time-
First confession: my new office creeps me out SO BADLY that whenever I'm alone, I nearly cry. It's scary and creepy and I hate it. I called my mom today because I was scared and shaking and felt so unhappy being there alone. She told me I was being a baby and it was time to put on my big girl pants, since I didn't have a clear reason of why I was scared. She hypothesized that I recognize being alone is a big responsibility, and I have to get used to it.
Second confession: We need the money from this job, but every time they give me work above and beyond what I'm 'used to' especially when it makes me stay over-time, I think about quitting. When we changed offices this week, we apparently also outgrew the manager that hired me. I REALLY liked her, and felt like she was the only one fully on my side, so I was very upset to hear that 'she quit because she couldn't handle the work-load'. Now they have me basically handling her client, but they always tell me about it halfway through the day, and I end up having to stay overtime. It's frustrating.
Sorry we didn't post about our holidays. It wasn't the best holiday I've ever had, though I certainly enjoyed the hotel we stayed at. Oh, lemme share our Christmas Eve prank: So my sisters were worried about me, because we were going to a hotel none of us had been to before, and it was 30 minutes away, near the prostitute section (301). When we got there and I got online, I saw they were on FB, and they both messaged me basically telling me to get my ass in bed, gotta be up early the next day. So I got annoyed and decided to screw with them.
I basically said 'HELP THERES PEOPLE BANGING ON THE DOOR' and when my sister replied with "That's what you get, I told you not to go to a hotel!' I responded with 'NOW THEYRE LAUGHING! SHIT!' My other sister then joined in, and added 'SEE?! Get your ass back home!' Being the intelligent person I am, I responded 'I'M TOO SCARED TO LEAVE!!!! SHIT!!! NOW THE CAR ALARM IS GOING OFF!!!!!' and one sister (MJ's mother) said 'Where you at? I'll get a ride and come get you!' I then let them in on the joke. 'Just kidding! I'm laid out on my comfy King-size bed in this fairly clean hotel with good-smelling sheets.' One sister laughed her ass off, but the other one (again, MJ's mother) was upset. She repeatedly told me the next day that 'It wasn't funny!' but I'm still grinning like an idiot when I remember it. I ultimately blame Hubby. It was kinda his idea, but I did choose to write it and then run with it. He thought I was too over the top with my 'acting' and would get discovered. Hah, joke was on him. And my sisters. It was fun. Ok, I'm done now. Thanks for reading!
This seems relevant:
I was basically told to have all of these things done by the time I come in tomorrow, so I pretty much worked for 3 hours of overtime to do it, and only got paid for one of those, but I got it all done. I don't even care about getting paid for overtime, honestly. I just genuinely don't know if I'm just that slow, or if I'm being taken advantage of. It's really hard to see if my abilities are increasing, stagnating, or decreasing since they keep changing my daily tasks. I know last Monday I was sick as hell but still came in, and my production was super low, but I was nearly back to normal the rest of the week. I think they're holding that against me.
The motivational speaker today talked about how everyone has greatness in them, and light, and that they could beat the darkness. He invited questions, and I asked about tips to be a better speaker. He seemed to think I was asking personally, but I'm actually a good public speaker. It's one-on-one conversations where I struggle, or where I try to make myself understood clearly but only end up confusing people. That's nearly fatal in this industry.
He asked us why we work for CPR (or want to). He asked what we wanted out of it. My answer was basically: Money to provide for my family.... What was our passion and how could we bring it to bear on CPR? For example, if your passion is fashion, you could put on a fashion show for CPR. I was like 'You sound SO stupid.' but played along since it kinda felt like our jobs were on the line. He apparently specializes in reaching Millineals (People born between 1986 and 2006) but while it was interesting, I didn't think it was very inspiring. I am thinking about suggesting we get a secretary to screen phone calls though. It's very detrimental on our job performance to constantly have to answer the phones when it's often not our client or property.
Since MJ is now 12, she has to cook dinner on Wednesdays. I'm going to be helping her for the first month or two, but after she gets comfortable with the stove and some easy meals, I'm going to ease supervision until she can cook by herself. It's something I wish my mom had done for me. Learning to cook while being a newly-wed is a bit of an exercise in frustration. MJ found it frustrating too, but when she started raising her voice at me, I told her to come stand in front of me.
I talked to her about how this is training for the rest of her life, and I'm here to help her learn so she can be self-sufficient later. I'm doing this to help her, and I don't deserve her frustration and yelling at me. After that talk, she didn't yell again, but she did ask a lot of repetitive questions that could have been answered if she read the instructions on the box, so I got annoyed.
We got MJ's eye prescription today, so I'm going to take her to get her glasses. If I don't do it tomorrow, Hubby can do it on Friday, so I'm not too stressed about it, but I would dearly love to get off work on time for once.
So, confession time-
First confession: my new office creeps me out SO BADLY that whenever I'm alone, I nearly cry. It's scary and creepy and I hate it. I called my mom today because I was scared and shaking and felt so unhappy being there alone. She told me I was being a baby and it was time to put on my big girl pants, since I didn't have a clear reason of why I was scared. She hypothesized that I recognize being alone is a big responsibility, and I have to get used to it.
Second confession: We need the money from this job, but every time they give me work above and beyond what I'm 'used to' especially when it makes me stay over-time, I think about quitting. When we changed offices this week, we apparently also outgrew the manager that hired me. I REALLY liked her, and felt like she was the only one fully on my side, so I was very upset to hear that 'she quit because she couldn't handle the work-load'. Now they have me basically handling her client, but they always tell me about it halfway through the day, and I end up having to stay overtime. It's frustrating.
Sorry we didn't post about our holidays. It wasn't the best holiday I've ever had, though I certainly enjoyed the hotel we stayed at. Oh, lemme share our Christmas Eve prank: So my sisters were worried about me, because we were going to a hotel none of us had been to before, and it was 30 minutes away, near the prostitute section (301). When we got there and I got online, I saw they were on FB, and they both messaged me basically telling me to get my ass in bed, gotta be up early the next day. So I got annoyed and decided to screw with them.
I basically said 'HELP THERES PEOPLE BANGING ON THE DOOR' and when my sister replied with "That's what you get, I told you not to go to a hotel!' I responded with 'NOW THEYRE LAUGHING! SHIT!' My other sister then joined in, and added 'SEE?! Get your ass back home!' Being the intelligent person I am, I responded 'I'M TOO SCARED TO LEAVE!!!! SHIT!!! NOW THE CAR ALARM IS GOING OFF!!!!!' and one sister (MJ's mother) said 'Where you at? I'll get a ride and come get you!' I then let them in on the joke. 'Just kidding! I'm laid out on my comfy King-size bed in this fairly clean hotel with good-smelling sheets.' One sister laughed her ass off, but the other one (again, MJ's mother) was upset. She repeatedly told me the next day that 'It wasn't funny!' but I'm still grinning like an idiot when I remember it. I ultimately blame Hubby. It was kinda his idea, but I did choose to write it and then run with it. He thought I was too over the top with my 'acting' and would get discovered. Hah, joke was on him. And my sisters. It was fun. Ok, I'm done now. Thanks for reading!
This seems relevant:
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Sooooo..... I got drunk
on Thanksgiving. After we came home from my family. I have three theories as to why, and I believe that none are the sole reason, but all contributed:
1. We had that Bottle of Rum for THREE YEARS without touching it. THREE YEARS. It was time to go.
2. My family pissed me off. They always do, it's par for the course now. My mother called 'Modern Family' a gay ass show.
3. Maybe I was subconsciously fighting against getting my period by getting as dehydrated as possible. It's a distinct possibility.
And booooy did I get dehydrated. In layman's terms, I had a hangover from hell. I had to call my sister and ask if it wasn't alcohol poisoning. I had a fever and nausea for three days afterward and easily got headaches. I threw up multiple times (the next day). I remember most of the night but refuse to admit some things happened. And I am so proud that I had the discression to only have Hubby as my witness. Though I accidentally spilled the beans on some things I bought that night. And apparently bought some things I didn't know about.......
The experience of getting drunk, for me: It was like super tiny millisecond time jumps where things easily disorient you because they aren't where they were before. And most thoughts just pop right out, and everything is funny except that your body is super heavy, and it doesn't always listen to you. And concentration is just right out the window. I completely understand how people that get drunk crash often, and I also think people are idiots if they're having millisecond black-outs and still think they're good to drive.
To be fair, I drank 1/2 of a Bottle (I think it was a Liter bottle) of 35% Alcoholic Rum. It tasted like candy, burned like whiskey. I am neeeeever getting drunk again. I threw up chocolate from that night the next morning. Twice. I drank so much alcohol that my body wasn't able to digest the chocolate while I slept!!!!
I woke up the Little One, and apparently couldn't stop talking, and Hubby finally resorted to saying over and over 'It's alright. Can we just go to sleep?' until I got annoyed at him not responding properly and stopped talking to him. I think he dressed me because after the shower I was too woozy and I didn't care enough to put clothes on.
So yeah, never getting drunk again, though it's easy enough to dull the memory until you think you're not really that awful when you're drunk. I think if it ever happens again, Hubby will record me, so that's a major reason to NOT, if I need another reason. Goodness knows my family could drive me to it so easily.
Anyone else wanna chime in on what getting drunk feels like? That was the first and only time for me. Let me know in the comments below!
I feel like the person he's talking/questioning in this song pretty often.....
1. We had that Bottle of Rum for THREE YEARS without touching it. THREE YEARS. It was time to go.
2. My family pissed me off. They always do, it's par for the course now. My mother called 'Modern Family' a gay ass show.
3. Maybe I was subconsciously fighting against getting my period by getting as dehydrated as possible. It's a distinct possibility.
And booooy did I get dehydrated. In layman's terms, I had a hangover from hell. I had to call my sister and ask if it wasn't alcohol poisoning. I had a fever and nausea for three days afterward and easily got headaches. I threw up multiple times (the next day). I remember most of the night but refuse to admit some things happened. And I am so proud that I had the discression to only have Hubby as my witness. Though I accidentally spilled the beans on some things I bought that night. And apparently bought some things I didn't know about.......
The experience of getting drunk, for me: It was like super tiny millisecond time jumps where things easily disorient you because they aren't where they were before. And most thoughts just pop right out, and everything is funny except that your body is super heavy, and it doesn't always listen to you. And concentration is just right out the window. I completely understand how people that get drunk crash often, and I also think people are idiots if they're having millisecond black-outs and still think they're good to drive.
To be fair, I drank 1/2 of a Bottle (I think it was a Liter bottle) of 35% Alcoholic Rum. It tasted like candy, burned like whiskey. I am neeeeever getting drunk again. I threw up chocolate from that night the next morning. Twice. I drank so much alcohol that my body wasn't able to digest the chocolate while I slept!!!!
I woke up the Little One, and apparently couldn't stop talking, and Hubby finally resorted to saying over and over 'It's alright. Can we just go to sleep?' until I got annoyed at him not responding properly and stopped talking to him. I think he dressed me because after the shower I was too woozy and I didn't care enough to put clothes on.
So yeah, never getting drunk again, though it's easy enough to dull the memory until you think you're not really that awful when you're drunk. I think if it ever happens again, Hubby will record me, so that's a major reason to NOT, if I need another reason. Goodness knows my family could drive me to it so easily.
Anyone else wanna chime in on what getting drunk feels like? That was the first and only time for me. Let me know in the comments below!
I feel like the person he's talking/questioning in this song pretty often.....
Monday, November 23, 2015
My new job
So I've had a job since 10/21/2015 but I was really leery of getting fired soon after getting it, like what happened with my last office job, so I've held off on saying anything about it. It's an 'Asset Preservation Assistant', and basically I'm helping keep homes that get foreclosed on to stay in good shape until they can get sold. We're given work by banks and people representing the banks, and then we take that work and find a crew that can do what needs doing in a time frame that the client will accept. Sometimes we go over the allowed time, and sometimes we get it done early. It really just depends on location and crew.
I feel like I'm basically a maintenance dispatcher, if that makes sense. And interestingly, I really like my job. I like talking with the crews, and making nice with our clients. I like finding work for crews that need it and editing their photos to be what our client asked for. I even moderately like my coworkers.
My problems are generally when management step in. There's been many a case where I got lectured for something I didn't do, or something that I originally did right, and then they changed what they wanted me doing and now it was 'wrong' until they look closer and decide, oh no, do it again the way you originally did it. That's rather frustrating. Also frustrating is that we're STILL cleaning up the mess of trying to give some work to an Indian Company, and they were shit at it. We nearly lost my client over it, and we DID have a knock-down fight via email where we refused to work with a client representative anymore because of all the miscommunication.
Often I feel like I'm not speaking the right language because they don't understand what I'm trying to say has happened, or is going on. I think I'm perfectly clear most of the time, but then there's issues of clarity, or me writing notes that are too long, of me not explaining enough, etc. Some of this is because I'm too eloquent, don't have the right vocabulary or I take too long getting to the point. Other times I'm told I'm too direct like 'Gimme what I want' instead of 'This is what we need, can you provide it please'.
These things are all true. I do like to write long paragraphs detailing the intricate situation. I also like to be short and sweet with my emails, when I can. It does come across as callous, and I am working on all of these things. Sometimes they catch me out doing something wrong. Most often, I was taught wrong, or wasn't taught at all and had to feel my way because my supervisor is the most popular lady in the office, it feels like.
I'm not afraid to admit when I do something wrong, like when I invoiced for less than we actually charge earlier today. My excuse in this case was: It wasn't written what we charge the client, I asked two supervisors, waited ten minutes, got no responses, so I went ahead with what I found as a viable price. I was wrong by $5. I regret not waiting longer, especially since my supervisor got back to me literally the second after I pressed Submit.
So I started training on one client, then they pulled me off of it and gave me another client. Then just when I started to get used to that client, they gave me this brand new one, and said 'Here, use the outsourcing to India to help you get the 100+ work orders you have for this client taken care of.' That was SUCH a bad idea. THEN, as soon as I had half a handle on this client, they gave me ANOTHER one on TOP of this one. And my supervisor isn't nearly as helpful as I could wish. Or as accessible. She has pulled me aside and told me to come to her with EVERY question I have, because I can't be asking other people that might give you the wrong answer. Yet often she's missing from the office, too busy to listen, or never gets back to me. It's a work in progress, we'll say.
The reason I was worried I would get fired quickly is two-fold. First, I have a bit of trauma from being fired after two weeks with no other comment besides 'you aren't a good fit'. Second, I wasn't their first choice at all. By that, I mean I was told I would hear back from them on Friday if I got the job, and I didn't hear back until the next Wednesday, asking if I would like the job, and have training the next morning. I missed 3 days of training, so I think it's pretty clear that someone didn't work out. The next week or maybe the week after that, one of the ladies that got the job 'on time' and had all the training offered,...... well, she couldn't kick it. She was stressed out, she couldn't remember how to make a daily task (I have no issues with it), and she made so many mistakes that it took weeks to clean up after her. One morning she came in, couldn't get the daily task uploaded, freaked out, went to the supervisor, and came back to pack her stuff. She said she felt relieved, and then she left. ......And then they dumped her client on me.
Yes, yes they did. I hardly knew the client, and they dumped it on me. I scrambled for two weeks to understand the client, and finally got things going smoothly last week, until the whole blow-up with miscommunication I mentioned earlier. It was not fun. So anyway, they promised me another new person for my team, and they did hire someone. But not for my team. My team is my supervisor....and me. That's it. The person they hired? That's for a position as Team Trainer. He's giving us 'homework' and shares my office. Apparently he worked for them for three years, and just now came back as the Trainer for them. It annoys me that I have to write a 'report' for him and take 'tests' for him. I wouldn't mind, but they just dumped another client on me, and they're depending on me to help with a third client as well, so I'm already swamped.
I like being useful though. And I like having someone in the office, though I feel kinda embarrassed and constricted because I like to play music while I work, but it's usually techno or rock or something and I don't think I project that image at all to my co-workers.
On a new note: It's been GREAT for my sleeping. I am *always* tired nowadays, and my insomnia is nearly gone. I get so tired I get dizzy though. And I'm sleeping about 8 hours a night. So it's impressive that it tires me out that much. At first it gave me headaches and made my butt hurt a lot, but I did get used to that stuff really quickly, like they said I would. I also had to take a 15 minute break, and only took about 5 minutes to eat, so I started walking up and down some stairs outside to work out the kinks in my legs during my lunch. But now I use my break to take Hubby to work and come back with the car because his new location is like 5-10 minutes from my job. I felt really bad dropping him off 6+ hours early for work, so I was relieved when this became the new norm.
Aaaaand it's nearing my bedtime and I still need a shower, so I'm going to sign off. Good night!
I feel like I'm basically a maintenance dispatcher, if that makes sense. And interestingly, I really like my job. I like talking with the crews, and making nice with our clients. I like finding work for crews that need it and editing their photos to be what our client asked for. I even moderately like my coworkers.
My problems are generally when management step in. There's been many a case where I got lectured for something I didn't do, or something that I originally did right, and then they changed what they wanted me doing and now it was 'wrong' until they look closer and decide, oh no, do it again the way you originally did it. That's rather frustrating. Also frustrating is that we're STILL cleaning up the mess of trying to give some work to an Indian Company, and they were shit at it. We nearly lost my client over it, and we DID have a knock-down fight via email where we refused to work with a client representative anymore because of all the miscommunication.
Often I feel like I'm not speaking the right language because they don't understand what I'm trying to say has happened, or is going on. I think I'm perfectly clear most of the time, but then there's issues of clarity, or me writing notes that are too long, of me not explaining enough, etc. Some of this is because I'm too eloquent, don't have the right vocabulary or I take too long getting to the point. Other times I'm told I'm too direct like 'Gimme what I want' instead of 'This is what we need, can you provide it please'.
These things are all true. I do like to write long paragraphs detailing the intricate situation. I also like to be short and sweet with my emails, when I can. It does come across as callous, and I am working on all of these things. Sometimes they catch me out doing something wrong. Most often, I was taught wrong, or wasn't taught at all and had to feel my way because my supervisor is the most popular lady in the office, it feels like.
I'm not afraid to admit when I do something wrong, like when I invoiced for less than we actually charge earlier today. My excuse in this case was: It wasn't written what we charge the client, I asked two supervisors, waited ten minutes, got no responses, so I went ahead with what I found as a viable price. I was wrong by $5. I regret not waiting longer, especially since my supervisor got back to me literally the second after I pressed Submit.
So I started training on one client, then they pulled me off of it and gave me another client. Then just when I started to get used to that client, they gave me this brand new one, and said 'Here, use the outsourcing to India to help you get the 100+ work orders you have for this client taken care of.' That was SUCH a bad idea. THEN, as soon as I had half a handle on this client, they gave me ANOTHER one on TOP of this one. And my supervisor isn't nearly as helpful as I could wish. Or as accessible. She has pulled me aside and told me to come to her with EVERY question I have, because I can't be asking other people that might give you the wrong answer. Yet often she's missing from the office, too busy to listen, or never gets back to me. It's a work in progress, we'll say.
The reason I was worried I would get fired quickly is two-fold. First, I have a bit of trauma from being fired after two weeks with no other comment besides 'you aren't a good fit'. Second, I wasn't their first choice at all. By that, I mean I was told I would hear back from them on Friday if I got the job, and I didn't hear back until the next Wednesday, asking if I would like the job, and have training the next morning. I missed 3 days of training, so I think it's pretty clear that someone didn't work out. The next week or maybe the week after that, one of the ladies that got the job 'on time' and had all the training offered,...... well, she couldn't kick it. She was stressed out, she couldn't remember how to make a daily task (I have no issues with it), and she made so many mistakes that it took weeks to clean up after her. One morning she came in, couldn't get the daily task uploaded, freaked out, went to the supervisor, and came back to pack her stuff. She said she felt relieved, and then she left. ......And then they dumped her client on me.
Yes, yes they did. I hardly knew the client, and they dumped it on me. I scrambled for two weeks to understand the client, and finally got things going smoothly last week, until the whole blow-up with miscommunication I mentioned earlier. It was not fun. So anyway, they promised me another new person for my team, and they did hire someone. But not for my team. My team is my supervisor....and me. That's it. The person they hired? That's for a position as Team Trainer. He's giving us 'homework' and shares my office. Apparently he worked for them for three years, and just now came back as the Trainer for them. It annoys me that I have to write a 'report' for him and take 'tests' for him. I wouldn't mind, but they just dumped another client on me, and they're depending on me to help with a third client as well, so I'm already swamped.
I like being useful though. And I like having someone in the office, though I feel kinda embarrassed and constricted because I like to play music while I work, but it's usually techno or rock or something and I don't think I project that image at all to my co-workers.
On a new note: It's been GREAT for my sleeping. I am *always* tired nowadays, and my insomnia is nearly gone. I get so tired I get dizzy though. And I'm sleeping about 8 hours a night. So it's impressive that it tires me out that much. At first it gave me headaches and made my butt hurt a lot, but I did get used to that stuff really quickly, like they said I would. I also had to take a 15 minute break, and only took about 5 minutes to eat, so I started walking up and down some stairs outside to work out the kinks in my legs during my lunch. But now I use my break to take Hubby to work and come back with the car because his new location is like 5-10 minutes from my job. I felt really bad dropping him off 6+ hours early for work, so I was relieved when this became the new norm.
Aaaaand it's nearing my bedtime and I still need a shower, so I'm going to sign off. Good night!
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Foster/Kinship care difficulties.
Hi All,
I was asked to provide my story for some mom's trying to push a law through the Senate to hold DPS accountable for not following their own laws today. In the end, I decided it would double quite well as a blog post. It's long, it's depressing, and it's all true. Enjoy?
I was asked to provide my story for some mom's trying to push a law through the Senate to hold DPS accountable for not following their own laws today. In the end, I decided it would double quite well as a blog post. It's long, it's depressing, and it's all true. Enjoy?
Heyla,
I was told you need stories of things that have happened with court cases involving foster care, kinship placement, etc. Well, these are mine:
My sister tried to get her kids back for THREE YEARS via the court system in North Carolina, despite the fact that at every meeting, they declared if she didn't do X they would terminate rights and places the children up for adoption. My understanding is that a court case is required to be resolved within a year. This tortuous case was more harmful for my oldest niece, who I now have custody of than it was for her mother, who their were actually prosecuting. I'll get to that in a minute. I am not protesting that they did not return my nieces and nephew to her. I am protesting the constant threats without delivery. My sister tried, but she is an unfit mother. I am frankly insulted however, that the deadbeat FATHER who did NOTHING that court ordered has the SAME visitation and rights as my sister who at least tried, and did everything she could. The sickening thing is that two of the children are with his parents, so he actually gets regular visitation whereas they won't even allow a phone call from my sister to her children.
Now for the foster system: I recognize that my niece is a hellion, first and foremost. She is not easy to handle, and we all know it. She has never however, deserved to be hit by a foster parent. Nor has she deserved to be pitted against a foster sister, and forced to fight each other for the foster parent's amusement. She also assures me that one foster parent tried to stab a hole through her hand because she accidentally hurt the foster mom. I would like to state that all of these were different foster parents. At least 3 of the 12 homes she lived in were unfit for children by my standards. You understand, some families just aren't suited for coexisting. This is possibly the case for a few placements. But in two years, she lived in 12 different homes, and this has left in incredibly horrible experience/trauma in her. She has insecurities I could never have imagined her developing when she was a child, and that was DESPITE her having been molested as a toddler by my sister's boyfriend! The last year of the court case, she lived with me, 9 months after our application to take her, which we applied to do a week after my sister admitted she didn't think she could get her back.
I would have gladly taken my niece from the start if I was able, but I was 22 when she was taken, and still in college. I didn't have a job, I wasn't stable, and my sister was confident she could get her back. After a year and half, she wasn't as confident, I was married, my husband and I were living in Texas, and my husband was reluctant. When she admitted she didn't think she could get her back, and court had refused to give my niece to her maternal grandma because of issues between biomother and grandma, there wasn't any other option. I didn't give my husband a lot of choice, but once he met her, we knew she needed help and she needed us. We went for it. We've had her for well over a year now and she's stabilizing. She's over-sexualized, she believes she's a slut, she had anger outbursts to rival the Hulk, she's careless and infuriating on a regular basis, but it was the relief of our life when court closed her case and gave custody to us. If it wouldn't have severely hurt my sister and niece we would have applied for adoption. We're still considering it, simply to escape my sister hanging a 'You have to let me do this, it's ordered!' over our heads.
It's worth it to have her, but the only assistance we ever had was medicaid. And we don't even have that right now because NC is taking forever to give us coverage for her since we've moved here. We don't even qualify for respite, food stamps, or any other assistance my sister regularly got from the state. In fact, we couldn't claim her on our taxes because we only had her for 5 months last year. That's a LOT of day care we can't get any help paying for.
I'm not sure what points you're trying to push through the Senate right now, but I hope that helps. Thanks for reading to the end.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Our Drama Princess
Hello,
It's been nearly a month since I've blogged, and so much has happened. Halloween, the first real family holiday we had with Mia was shared this year with her mother. I never expected the feelings that invoked within me. It's really hard to explain, but I'll try.
It felt like every sacrifice, every effort, and every bit of what made us her parents got erased, just like that. There were brief moments when it was recalled that 'oh, yeah, we're the ones in charge' but mostly.... It was the Cin and MJ show, and we were just unwitting victims. I say 'we' but I can't vouch for Hubby's feelings in this matter at all. I don't think he took it nearly as hard. His words were 'It's like two MJs, that's all.' When we met with neighbors we'd grown up with, Cin acted like she was still MJ's parent. Like she had any part in the raising of her in the last year. And it infuriated me. Who fought with MJ until she began to understand why what she did was wrong two weeks ago? Sure as hell wasn't Cin. Who bought that damned $40 mask because MJ loved it and wouldn't take it off? Sure as hell wasn't Cin. Who drove for hours to get there so she could have the first family Halloween in years? NOT CIN.
There was a silver lining. MJ recognized all on her own that we're still her parents. She even gave me a look that said 'Okay, I've had fun, but I'm ready for her to go now.' That was a relief. Up until Cin managed to secrete her make-up bag in our trunk and 'forget' it. So we had to go back today, but refused to get out of the car. Hell, I didn't even park. Just had MJ hand it to Cin and let that be the end.
But oh, once we got home..... There was a little while of peace before Hubby returned and asked about my flute. MJ was supposed to find it today if it was at home. My step-up flute, worth over a 1,000 dollars USED. MJ shrugged, acted like it was no big deal that it's most likely gone forever, and then to top it all off, had the gall to tell me it was my fault. ''If you didn't want it lost or destroyed, you never should have given it to me,'' I believe she said. For her to blame me for her carelessness when we'd been planning to let her go to her friend's house for a sleepover this coming weekend was like being slapped.
Since then she's been moping and crying, but still not cleaning her room like I told her to. She even 're-pierced' her ear. I looked at her blankly, told her it was likely to get infected and hurt a lot worse, and why wasn't she cleaning her room? She said she was bored. Now she's in the shower.
Frankly, I don't know how to get her to take me seriously right now. And to be utterly honest here? That comment about my prized flute has literally dimmed my love for her. I still love her, would no matter what, but her disregard for me just..... it's damaged me. I'm seriously giving thought to no longer punishing her, no longer advising her, and no longer helping her. It's what she thinks she wants, and while I know that's not a good way to raise a child, I'm finding it very hard to care about her beyond making sure she isn't dead right about now.
I get the feeling I'm going to be in trouble with everyone once you all read this, but I've always been committed to being as honest as I can. It's not even that I loved my flute more than I do her. It's her attitude about it. Her lack of empathy, of caring. She's been crying for hours, but it isn't for my flute. It's because she knows it's gone, and so are her chances of going to her friend's birthday sleep-over. Though really, I'm reconsidering. I want her gone for a while, and that would be convenient.
I'm sure all children are insensitive little beasts at times, but she's rather consistent in her lack of regard for me and anything I own. I don't know how much longer I can continue to love and care for her as earnestly as I have up til now. I just don't know.
It's been nearly a month since I've blogged, and so much has happened. Halloween, the first real family holiday we had with Mia was shared this year with her mother. I never expected the feelings that invoked within me. It's really hard to explain, but I'll try.
It felt like every sacrifice, every effort, and every bit of what made us her parents got erased, just like that. There were brief moments when it was recalled that 'oh, yeah, we're the ones in charge' but mostly.... It was the Cin and MJ show, and we were just unwitting victims. I say 'we' but I can't vouch for Hubby's feelings in this matter at all. I don't think he took it nearly as hard. His words were 'It's like two MJs, that's all.' When we met with neighbors we'd grown up with, Cin acted like she was still MJ's parent. Like she had any part in the raising of her in the last year. And it infuriated me. Who fought with MJ until she began to understand why what she did was wrong two weeks ago? Sure as hell wasn't Cin. Who bought that damned $40 mask because MJ loved it and wouldn't take it off? Sure as hell wasn't Cin. Who drove for hours to get there so she could have the first family Halloween in years? NOT CIN.
There was a silver lining. MJ recognized all on her own that we're still her parents. She even gave me a look that said 'Okay, I've had fun, but I'm ready for her to go now.' That was a relief. Up until Cin managed to secrete her make-up bag in our trunk and 'forget' it. So we had to go back today, but refused to get out of the car. Hell, I didn't even park. Just had MJ hand it to Cin and let that be the end.
But oh, once we got home..... There was a little while of peace before Hubby returned and asked about my flute. MJ was supposed to find it today if it was at home. My step-up flute, worth over a 1,000 dollars USED. MJ shrugged, acted like it was no big deal that it's most likely gone forever, and then to top it all off, had the gall to tell me it was my fault. ''If you didn't want it lost or destroyed, you never should have given it to me,'' I believe she said. For her to blame me for her carelessness when we'd been planning to let her go to her friend's house for a sleepover this coming weekend was like being slapped.
Since then she's been moping and crying, but still not cleaning her room like I told her to. She even 're-pierced' her ear. I looked at her blankly, told her it was likely to get infected and hurt a lot worse, and why wasn't she cleaning her room? She said she was bored. Now she's in the shower.
Frankly, I don't know how to get her to take me seriously right now. And to be utterly honest here? That comment about my prized flute has literally dimmed my love for her. I still love her, would no matter what, but her disregard for me just..... it's damaged me. I'm seriously giving thought to no longer punishing her, no longer advising her, and no longer helping her. It's what she thinks she wants, and while I know that's not a good way to raise a child, I'm finding it very hard to care about her beyond making sure she isn't dead right about now.
I get the feeling I'm going to be in trouble with everyone once you all read this, but I've always been committed to being as honest as I can. It's not even that I loved my flute more than I do her. It's her attitude about it. Her lack of empathy, of caring. She's been crying for hours, but it isn't for my flute. It's because she knows it's gone, and so are her chances of going to her friend's birthday sleep-over. Though really, I'm reconsidering. I want her gone for a while, and that would be convenient.
I'm sure all children are insensitive little beasts at times, but she's rather consistent in her lack of regard for me and anything I own. I don't know how much longer I can continue to love and care for her as earnestly as I have up til now. I just don't know.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Hurricane Joaquin and Shania Twain.
Her dresses are so gorgeous in this video that I'm in awe.
Apparently there's a lot of flood watches and warnings in NC all over. We're having tons of storms, and on top of that, there's a Level 4 hurricane on its way. The Hurricane's name is Joaquin, but it's pronounced like 'Wa' so when I first heard it on the radio, I was like 'Are we SERIOUSLY in the Ws already???? How is that possible???' I felt very lied to when I finally saw it in print, though that made more sense.
MJ has been fluctuating between very bad mouthy behavior and very good 'Gimme the good stuff back' good behavior. At one point she broke down enough to accuse me of only taking her in so I would look good. *deadpan stare* Look good to who? To everyone! They're always saying you're so great for taking me in! I wish they wouldn't say shit like that, really. We had to take you in. Anyone else would have done the same. And I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks of me as long as no one in power tries to take you away from me. *throws hands in air* She wanted me to prove that I don't care what people think, and that I love her. I told her that she doesn't really love me if she dares to ask me to prove it. She said she tries to hide that she loves me, which IS proof that she loves me. That's some fucked up thoughts, that is.
She's been trying to weasel out of punishments, and she's been talking more and more like a street thug. She's also been asking for cuddles, and I've been saying no because she annoys me so much, but I should really start accepting again. I'm sure she's lonely and unsure of herself. Maybe cuddles would help that. I just get bored and irritated cuddling her because she elbows me and kicks me and breathes on me and it's gross.
Still nothing on the job front. Mom says I should apply to banks, but I feel at a disadvantage because I only know anything about Wells Fargo and they keep rejecting me. Huh. Who does everyone use for their banking needs? That's something we haven't talked about before. Who do you use, and how do you feel about them?
Love you, miss you, hope to see you all soon!!!
Apparently there's a lot of flood watches and warnings in NC all over. We're having tons of storms, and on top of that, there's a Level 4 hurricane on its way. The Hurricane's name is Joaquin, but it's pronounced like 'Wa' so when I first heard it on the radio, I was like 'Are we SERIOUSLY in the Ws already???? How is that possible???' I felt very lied to when I finally saw it in print, though that made more sense.
MJ has been fluctuating between very bad mouthy behavior and very good 'Gimme the good stuff back' good behavior. At one point she broke down enough to accuse me of only taking her in so I would look good. *deadpan stare* Look good to who? To everyone! They're always saying you're so great for taking me in! I wish they wouldn't say shit like that, really. We had to take you in. Anyone else would have done the same. And I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks of me as long as no one in power tries to take you away from me. *throws hands in air* She wanted me to prove that I don't care what people think, and that I love her. I told her that she doesn't really love me if she dares to ask me to prove it. She said she tries to hide that she loves me, which IS proof that she loves me. That's some fucked up thoughts, that is.
She's been trying to weasel out of punishments, and she's been talking more and more like a street thug. She's also been asking for cuddles, and I've been saying no because she annoys me so much, but I should really start accepting again. I'm sure she's lonely and unsure of herself. Maybe cuddles would help that. I just get bored and irritated cuddling her because she elbows me and kicks me and breathes on me and it's gross.
Still nothing on the job front. Mom says I should apply to banks, but I feel at a disadvantage because I only know anything about Wells Fargo and they keep rejecting me. Huh. Who does everyone use for their banking needs? That's something we haven't talked about before. Who do you use, and how do you feel about them?
Love you, miss you, hope to see you all soon!!!
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