I put my best foot forward, but it didn't fit the shoe.

I actually got terminated today. *blinks* They said that I wasn't a good fit. I was, understandably, shocked. I was on my fifth day of training, when they normally train you for at least two weeks straight, and they didn't really seem to give me the chance to fix the 'mistakes' I was told I was making. On the other hand, I had been worried about getting to school in time with this job, and they only get the actual Christmas/Thanksgiving Day off. They work all the other days. So if I don't get another job, and just concentrate on my schooling, I'll be able to go home for the holidays with hubby.

I was shocked enough that I was numb the whole way home, and when I got home, I curled up around Rebby and wrote out a list of pros and cons to getting fired. Because while my pride and ego were hurt, I was seeing some good possibilities.

I'll be honest and say that I also wrote my comments on the sheet, because I thought I wouldn't be able to get them out if I tried to talk. I was so disappointed with myself. I always thought I just sucked at applications, but that if someone gave me a chance, I could easily wow them. Apparently not.

In a minute, I'll list the pros and cons we came up with. For now, I want to tell you a little more.

I was thinking yesterday about how I don't fit right in. And it reminded me quite vividly of school, where I never fit a neat little niche. I always had to carve out my own little space, and so I wasn't particularly worried that I didn't fit in immediately. I figured, I have time to make my friends and establish myself, so I don't have to worry about not fitting some cookie-cutter model. But I *did* be myself. I made witty comments, and joked around and worked hard to remember everything. I got pulled aside yesterday and told that I don't have the experience to wonder about the methods, and that I seemed to be unreceptive toward my training. She asked me to be more open-minded, and I tried. I hadn't realized I was being closed-minded. I just asked a lot of questions, trying to understand everything and take it all in.

I was worried about how slowly I worked, but I was so worried about the slowness because I knew I was trying to put out quality work. I didn't want to make any mistakes. Of course though, checking hundreds of sheets a day, I made mistakes. My trainer didn't seem unduly surprised or upset at the mistakes, and said they were to be expected. I only really made one big mistake, not catching a reciept/payment discrepancy and authorizing the transaction. It was a difference of 80 dollars, and the company may be out that money. I won't know, because they're going to take care of it on Monday.

I was told that my work was too inconsistent. That really bothered me, because I didn't think I was inconsistent at all. Of course, then I thought of how sluggish I got after lunch most days, compared to before lunch, and figured maybe my work suffered. I'll never know. I'm so very confused. I didn't think there was a two week limit to make friends. Maybe that's the point. But I will admit I didn't know what to do with myself during lunches when I would inevitably end up having a good thirty minutes by myself with nothing to do. I would have happily gone back to work if they had work I could do without someone having to check my work every couple of minutes.

So, we just went swimming, and I slept for 14 hours or so. Most of the dreams I had revolved around reviewing my work and trying to find what was wrong, but I also had an interesting kind of adventure-type dream that my sister starred it. It was kinda cool, and finally saved me from sleep.

So, now to list my pros and cons of being terminated.

Cons-

1. No longer the breadwinner, i.e. no more lotsa money-making

2. Embarrassed. I (as always) went in thinking it was long-term. I made my plans accordingly, and bought clothing to match. At least I got some cute outfits out of this?

3. No seeing friend R. :( It was nice being able to see her. I'm also (marginally) worried she'll be embarrassed that I didn't 'make the cut'.

4. Don't get to make matching bentos for hubby and me anymore.

5. Don't wanna tell my family I got fired. I JUST told them I got the job.

6. I'm disappointed in me. I never imagined I couldn't be everything someone needed. Egotistical? Yes. True? Yes.

Pros-

1. 6:45 a.m. = Sleep. No more bed at 10 p.m. for me!

2. Not miserable, surrounded by walls and other people that are vicious and happy to be miserable.

3. No more traffic jams! By Thursday, I was becoming that horrid person that is just mad to be delayed by traffic, when I've always been the one to turn up the music and dance in my car while I wait.

4. Can attend school without problems. I was very worried that I wouldn't be able to get to school on time every day (due to traffic), which would have meant I would be kicked out of school. Now I have no/few worries!

5. Won't get fat fast. I could almost feel myself gaining weight, sitting in that uncomfortable chair day after day, eating my face off during every break, having nothing to do for an hour every day during lunch. Now I can swim and exercise!

6. No more vicious women who seem to delight in telling stories about how stupid their husbands are. I couldn't add anything to those convos, because I'm VERY aware of how awesome my husband is. They also constantly bitch about the other branches, and how they have to clean up after them.

7. Reb has transport to work! So now he doesn't have to take the nasty smelly buses.

8. No breakfast tacos! They told me I had to have them, because it was an 'Austin Tradition' or something. They were mostly filled with scrambled eggs (I don't like eggs) and greasy meats. Even the potato one had eggs and grease. Now I don't have to try them and say how awesome they are when they aren't!

9. No more heartburn! Every day for the first week, I found myself with some awful heartburn and couldn't really figure out why. I wasn't eating anything strange, after all. Then when they terminated me, suddenly I felt the heartburn rising and realized it was stress increasing the acid in my stomach and giving me trouble. So I calmed down a bit, and it went away! No more heartburn, BANZAI!

10. PT is now something I can continue, at least until we reach the max visits allowed by insurance. Before, they were closed by the time I got off work, and not open before I left for work, so it wasn't possible.

11. I can read books again!!!

12. Can talk to Caitlec now! I had to go to bed so very early before, and so we couldn't really talk much, but now we can!

13. Can maybe go home for Christmas? We have a workable time-table for Christmas, if my school takes enough time off for the holidays. I really hope they do.

So in conclusion, the pros far out weight the cons, but I still feel like shit for failing. And failing is really the only thing holding me to this experience, because it's kinda great that I don't have to work there anymore. Reb says that maybe they could tell I was miserable, despite my attempts to make the best of things. I keep wondering what I did that was so bad they terminated me after two weeks. See, that morning they were talking about what I would do the next week, and telling me about the training I could expect. By lunch, it seemed that everyone was busy so I ate, then ran to the store for breath mints and snacks (because I have little self-restraint). By the time I got back from the store, it felt like I had been closed out, and I was puzzled, but not worried. Then when I clocked out, A said she wanted to see me in the conference room and the whole time I was going there, I wondered what I had done wrong. Then she immediately sat me down and said that I wasn't going to work out, I wasn't a good fit, here's the termination papers, please sign them. I read it over and asked if she could explain why I wasn't a good fit, and she looked startled and unhappy, like she just wanted the unpleasant chore over with. She said something about just not being what they were looking for, that my work was inconsistent, and she had a conference where they decided to terminate me. I still wonder who was in on that conference, since two of the people that supported my presence were out.

But it was also true that I didn't feel like I fit, and like there were several factions in the company. Like school, I refused to pick a side, and mayhap that was the ultimate decision. I didn't quietly fit into the mold they wanted me to choose, and that is what got me fired. Really, thinking about it now, I think it's fine. I really didn't like the vicious conversations, the rough talk they had, and the feeling that the company didn't trust their employees (because of this tally sheet that you had to account all of your time on in order to get paid). I certainly tried my best, and while I think maybe my strong personality was part of the problem, I don't think I should regret being myself.

So, I have been officially fired from a job! It's a new experience for me. ^.^; I know that my old job is looking for employees, but I don't really want to work in security anymore. I like new experiences, and while maybe this office setting didn't suit me, that doesn't mean that others wouldn't. So a part-time job is really what I want, and I don't think I'll really have to worry about that for a while.

Phew, I was right. Getting all of this out made me feel tons better. Thanks guys!

This song has been stuck in my head since I was fired: Wrecking Ball.