So she has a boyfriend....

And had him since the first or second week of school, before breaking up because she thought Tenshi was hotter, and getting back together with him after she realized Tenshi's a jerkwad. She decided to tell us about her little bf today. I'm unimpressed with how long she kept it from us, and happy she chose a boy based on his humor, and not his face.
She's also utterly in love with the series Cardcaptor Sakura, and wishes she was Sakura. While I clearly remember feeling similar when I was younger, I also am fairly sure I didn't chatter on and on and on about it like she has been.
She also has strong tastes in furniture, so it's not my fault if I pick out ugly things deliberately to mess with her. She's practically begging for it. Also, she bought herself a little locker. By little, I mean about 8 in x 4 in x 4in. For her 'secrets'. I honestly have no clue. But damn if I'm not checking on that locker periodically.
MJ and I will be watching Sailor Moon together (the new series that just came out) because she wants to watch/read it. And because I also want to watch it.

Ahem. Now onto less pleasant matters.

I am honestly sick and tired of being told that I act like I'm better than everyone else, that I talk like I'm above them, that I'm stuck up, etc.
I don't feel that way. When I speak confidently, it's because it's something I've learned, and I always think others want to learn too. Obviously that is wrong to believe at times, or at least it is according to my experience. Or obviously I'm not respectable enough that people want to hear knowledge from me. I'm not sure which, and honestly don't care very much.
I do care that I get that same complaint so often, because if I get it so much, it might be true. I don't really see HOW it's true, but it certainly can be. I don't believe in one person being better than another, but apparently I might project that idea that I actively disbelieve. Or people might be too insecure. That's what my mom always said, anyway.
I'm having an issue with a coworker that really does seem to have a time management problem, though she swears she doesn't, and that it's her time to do with as she pleases anyway, and shouldn't affect me. So she wants me to butt out of her business, except that it's affecting me far more often than she seems to believe.
I think, if I didn't have Hubby and MJ, this situation would be like a mini-crisis to me, but because I have a life, and a rather busy one at that, it's honestly taking like, 10% of my attention. I don't really care, as long as we can still work moderately well together. By moderately, I mean 'stop making me late for stuff, woman!' and 'I want to be able to talk too!' and that's..... essentially my entire complaint. She steamrolls over every attempt I make to talk, or be part of a conversation, even one when it's just the two of us. Seriously, she's so unproductive with her words! She takes ten sentences to convey a one-sentence idea! As the black lady meme goes 'Aint nobody got time for that!'
*shakes head* Honestly, on my end, that's about it. I don't really care about her, or her problems, so long as she stops interfering with my timing. I really honestly HATE having my timing screwed with.

Oh, hey, guess what? In the last month, I have redeveloped sciatica (I didn't know what it was when I had it before, but now I know!), and have developed tendonitis in my gastrocnemius tendons! Both of these things are bad, btw, I'm just excited that I know what they are and not writhing in pain without knowing why. I also found a great massage therapist in the making whom I truly wish to barter with when he gets his license.

Something that truly confuses me, is just how flaky most of the massage therapists I've met are. I mean, they are conscientious, kind people that just blow you off if you're not a paying customer! And really, if you're bartering a service that you both badly need, you would think you wouldn't flake on that, even if you're not reaping a monetary reward. For someone like me, who always keeps her promises, it's an affront to be cancelled on not once, not twice, but three or more times! After the third time (Second if I'm not totally enamored of them), I just give up. Let them come to me. And they rarely do, so apparently I'm not very important. It's very frustrating.

And so I end my post, super frustrated (in oh so many ways)! Goodnight my dears!

This is interesting... Cute kids, interesting message.

So it turns out....

Our appointment wasn't canceled, but no one told us that, so we missed it. Thankfully, when I called later that morning, they were able to get her in today, but that meant we had to leave Hubby at his work for an extra.....3 hours. At least one hour of that was traffic. I utterly detest and loathe this city. The traffic, the heat, the noise, the bad neighbors, the dangerous situations and the general feeling of being cramped and bogged down just bothers the shit out of me. 

Anyway, poor Hubby was left all by his lonesome, while I was stuck with a bored MJ that didn't want to do her homework properly, so I made her go above and beyond what was asked of her. 

I have a fun situation at home. I think Hubby resents MJ for taking me away from him and making our home life somewhat crazy. Meanwhile, I think MJ resents Hubby for taking me away from her, and making me pay attention to more than just her. So they both tend to ignore each other, act cautiously around each other, or have simple, gentle, impersonal interactions that leave me feeling like an outsider because I'm so intimate with the two of them, and to have them so impersonal with each other is alienating. 

The Pediatrician's office is super interesting. It's in the exact same place where I had surgery and physical therapy. And the office has all sorts of cool things that kids should like, but since it was designed by an adult (I'm not sure why it's so obvious to me, but it is) the kids are only moderately interested. MJ decided it was the perfect time to ask me tons of questions while I was trying to answer the receptionist/nurse/doctor. 

MJ has decided that now that she's learning sign language (one of her classmates is deaf), that I should obviously know it too, and she's been mouthing stuff to me like i would understand that. It frustrates me and makes me want to mouth nonsense back to watch the confusion spread.

Augh. Everytime I rub my eyes with my hands, my eyes start itching and watering. I guess I need another shower.... Hmph.

I'm tired, and have been for days. (TMI WARNING) I've been on my period for a really long time now. At least a week, and it's draining (haha....terrible pun, sorry) me dry. Interestingly enough, almost all the females at my job have synchronized their periods now. Someone read up on it, and said that sharing clothing hastens the process. So if you don't wanna synch with someone, don't share your clothing!! 

I wanna start doing yoga or something. I've begun developing tendonitis in my quad muscles (near the knees) and it's nearly debilitating. I have also somehow gotten Sciatica in my left lowerback/butt/hamstrings. Damnit. I don't want these things!! Interestingly enough, when Hubby rubs my butt, he eases the Sciatica pain. 

I'm really bothered that none of my clients have ever written a yelp review about me. On the one hand, half of the reviews for one coworker are bad, but on the other, one coworker has a shit ton of reviews, and always gets booked more. I would like to be recommended by my clients, but I'm way too shy to be like 'hey, if you liked this, you should yelp about it.' I think that takes away from the overall experience. I suppose I'll suck it up and ask sometime though. 

I've made appointments for MJ to have therapy next week, and an eye check on Thursday. There was some miscommunication with the therapist, but I'm very excited to have MJ meet her and have someone to discuss her issues with. I really like this therapist, and feel that she will be very helpful. 

We still have to find a psychiatrist to take MJ to so we can find out if she can be eased off of one of her more harmful medications or if she really needs it to maintain her mood stability. I don't think it doesn't enough, since she's has asked me for a mood ring 'so she can know what she's feeling'. I have one, and will give it to her when I feel she has earned it, but I really think there's an issue that keeps cropping up.

She doesn't earn anything. Like, she isn't exceptionally bad, and she isn't purposely mean to us, but she also doesn't seem to want to cooperate with our family very much, and says that 'we don't want her to be herself'. There may be some truth to that, so I'm hesitant to say anything back to her about it. I mean, we really don't want her to act out, or say mean things, or do stupid shit like punch the ground. But I'm also hesitant to agree that those things make up who she is. I might ask her to draw herself as she sees herself, and write a big list of what makes her .....her. I’m really unsure how to go about helping her shape her self-image, but I think she needs it.

Another thing worth mentioning is that she’s seriously beginning to doubt the Christianity hype. She said before she came to live with me, she believed and said (quite adamantly) that she hated anyone that wasn’t Christian. Now that she knows me, and knows that I’m a good person, despite not being Christian (rolls eyes) she’s had to amend her thinking to ‘I hate people that aren’t Christian and do really bad things like rape and hurt people’. I asked her ‘So you don’t hate Christians that hurt and rape people?’ and she said ‘No. Because I know that they’ll ask God for forgiveness, and he’ll forgive them, so I don’t hate them.’ And I had to ask…. ‘So you’ll forgive them because you think God will?’ and she said ‘Yes.’ This way of thinking is so very foreign to me that I couldn’t find a good response, so I simply said ‘I can’t agree with your belief. I think it’s wrong.’ And she said ‘Well, maybe I’ll change.’ And I said ‘I can only hope so. But it’s your belief and I can’t make you change that.’

The things this kid believes and says sometimes just defies reality to such an extent that I’m lost. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. 

Finally, some progress!

This is gonna be short, as I want to get back to bed. I just got MJ off to school, and even I have to admit she looks super cute. I took lots of pictures, but won't post them here. Skype/email me if you want some, you know who you are.
First order of business: MJ's mom gets out of jail today. I think they're saying that it's time served. She's planning to go into a halfway house, and start a program to be a nurse (person that draws blood), while working part time somewhere. I'm not sure how she's going to keep on her medicines once she's out, but I hope it works out for her. My issue is that I'm worried she's gonna lose it, and come here, and make us have to be mean. She's not allowed to leave the state of NC, but she might do it anyway, since she 'doesn't have anything to lose'. My other issue, is that now I don't have any way to contact her. :( And my family is not helping matters. She was in for 7 months, and not once did someone come to visit her. To me, that's shameful. But we did all send some money, so maybe that makes up for it? I dont think it does, but its their choice to do so or not.
Second order: She finally got her medicaid card!!! First thing I did was take the earliest pediatrician's appointment I could, which is Monday at 8:30, so she's going to be missing some school. After I filled out all of the paperwork I could, and turned it in online (yay not having to do it in the office!), I shot an email off to the therapist I've been wanting to get her into since before she came here.
She emailed me back way early in the morning, letting me know that she doesn't have any after school availability, but if we don't mind during school, that she has a Tuesday at 8:30 available. I'm just thanking my stars that the only appointments available don't overlap. I would choose the pediatrician, because MJ desperately needs her medicine refilled, but I'm glad not to have to.
I'm a little worried about taking her out of school two mornings in a row though. I don't like doing it. I'm sure she'll complain. But hopefully it won't be a common issue. :( Maybe the therapist will be twice a month for now, until she gets some afternoon availability.
I'm not sure if we're supposed to go in the session with MJ or not, so I'll probably try to take a book with me. And Hubby will likely have to go too, just because he'll probably have work both days. He's working really hard lately, and doing close to 35 hours a week right now. He also got complimented for doing a really good job, so that's awesome! Go hubbikins!
Also, to fourthy, I'm sorry people keep asking if you're pregnant. That doesn't sound like fun conversation. You should totally be like 'HOW DID YOU KNOW?!' and in a month, be like, 'Oh, were you seriously asking? My bad. I thought you meant my food baby.' or something for revenge. :P
Alrighty! All done with updates!

I like this song despite myself. And the little girl is impressive, if strange. Hubby is starting to hate this song, since MJ and I both like it.

She wants to be six again.....

So she pretended to be. I found it a little nostalgic and amusing, but I'm worried it really annoyed hubby. Then she regressed to four, and tried baby-speak. I had to correct her pronunciation a few times, and it was a little bit annoying when she was like 'Aren't you gonna wash me? I'm too widdle to wash myself' so I put a stop to it by saying 'Do you really want me to wash every inch of your body?' She thought about it for a minute and was like '.....Nevermind.' In bed, she progressed to 13, and my question was 'Should I still be tucking you in, then?' and she said 'Yeah! You'll still be tucking me in at 13!!' I think we all know she's very addicted to the bed-tucking now. I'm a little worried about how she'll handle it if I have to stay overnight somewhere else, or if she stays over somewhere else.
Speaking of, she had a sleepover on Saturday with her 'BFF' Ally. We took them to Denny's and then the grocery store, where we got some marshmallows for s'mores (but didn't tell them), a comb for Ally for whenever she stays over, and came home. Then, while Hubby blew up the air mattress for them, I took them to the pool for some swimming. I'd forgotten MJ was banned from the pool, so that was my mistake. I've written it down now, so I won't forget. She's also banned from Soda right now.
After the pool, they took showers while we made s'mores (hindsight says we should have let them eat those before their showers), and then sent them to bed, where they stayed up whispering til 1 a.m. (apparently). I warned them when they went to bed not to bother me (because I had work the next day) and to direct all concerns to Hubby. So when their window flooded, guess who's bedside they went to? His. Guess what he did? Immediately asked me what to do. I could have suffocated myself on the irony, if they hadn't already woken me by waking him.
The next day, they made their cereal while Hubby was in the bathroom, waking me all over again. I didn't mind as much though, because I'd had nightmares all night. I continued to have them the whole time I was in bed.
So I got up, reminded the girls to get ready to go (to return Ally to her mother), and we were a little late, so I had Ally call her mom to let her know. I ended up having to explain that we were just running a little late, and we left. Dropped Ally off, talked with her mom a bit (I'd like to invite her over for dinner sometime), and we went off to eat breakfast (for me).
Laundry's done, Hubby's tired (he's started to nap on my couch whenever I leave it for more than a few minutes.... I think he's truly tired), and even I'm ready to fall out at midnight... *sigh* Love ya'll!

Love this


Like this The video and the music can be a little.... odd, but I like the catchphrase, at least.....

Cruelty and Kindness

See, I know I'm sadistic, but the only people I genuinely want to murder have done things that I consider unforgivable (rape, child molestation, etc.). What I've been sensing from our new little girl, however, edges on unfiltered, unabridged willingness to just.... hurt others. Not even for pleasure (which is technically sadism), just for the hell of it. That type of thinking makes me think of mentally unhinged people, and I'm more antsy to get her into counseling than I've ever been before.
I really, honestly wish I could point to something she said or did and say 'THAT. Fix THAT.' but it isn't that simple. Her entire reasoning for it is warped, and unintelligible, and it's difficult to help her realize that 'No, that type of thinking is bad.' without making it a blanket command of 'Don't tell me you think those things' because frankly, she doesn't understand she's being cruel. If she doesn't understand it, she can't realize it herself and stop without some outside force telling her to.
Frankly, it chills me sometimes to talk to her. A lot of the time, after she goes to bed, I think over our day and realize 'Shit, she was asking for help with that statement' or 'Oh wow, that was fucked up. How did I not catch that??' and end up feeling like a failure as a parent. Hell, I feel like a failure every time I let her frustrate me. It isn't fun, but I'm trying to do better.
Now for the kindness. She has a sweetness that I adore, but it comes out in the weirdest times. Tonight, when I tucked her in, she wanted to kiss me on the mouth, and I said 'Nope, forehead's fine.' It enters the 'pedo-danger' line to kiss her on the mouth. I remember once kissing my mom on the mouth and getting a gross feeling because it felt like a romantic kiss because our mouths accidentally lingered. We gave each other weirded out looks and never spoke of it. I really don't want any kind of possibly romantic kisses happening with this already sexually traumatized child. So I won't be kissing her there. She's welcome to kiss me on the cheek or forehead though, and I should probably mention it to her.
She brought home some books from her class today, saying they found a lot of little kids books in class and the teacher told them they could take them home and keep them, so she brought some for the neighborhood kids. I told her she didn't have to, and that it would be awkward to give them to someone she's never spoken to before. She said just because you haven't spoken to them doesn't mean you can't give them things. After a while of doing her homework, she said 'I know! It's like with the homeless!' and I was like *headdesk*. I then told her comparing her neighbors to homeless people is extremely insulting and not to be done. Hopefully I got that through to her, but now we have some little kid's books and no one to give them to. If she really wants to give them to her fellow bus riders, that's fine, but I think it would be weird. I'm still trying to get up the gumption to talk to the parents of the kids (because they don't speak english).
I guess.... I guess I'll leave this here. I'd like feedback and suggestions, of course. I don't know how well to treat her, and my patience is fairly negligible at the best of times. I used to have more patience, but my BC has left it battered and in short supply. *sigh* Fun stuff.