Can we just call it quits?

I really want to tell the guy I agreed to tutor in Japanese this. I'm just not interested in the stomach twisting, crazy mind-reading-necessary tasks, and I'm very unhappy being pointed to as the 'reason all goes wrong'. I don't think he's a bad guy, but I genuinely don't want to deal with him anymore. And not his 'old' personal assistant either. I feel like she's deriding my every decision. I'm new at this, and I thought I was doing a really good job, especially considering I was dropped into it with no real instruction.
I just want to get it all over with. I tense up every time my inbox records a new message, and my stomach clenches every time I see it's an email from either of them. Most of them are criticisms, and I just end up trying to defend myself. I'm not even gonna get paid for last week's (week four) work because 'he didn't ask for it'. I haven't been paid for week two or three yet, despite repeated appeals for it. And believe me, asking for money is nerve-wracking for me. I really want the confidence to bluntly require it, but I just don't have that aggressiveness. The only reason I've been able to ask for it more than once now is because its over $500 dollars, and that would really help us move.
Oh yeah. We're moving. Back to NC if Hubbykins doesn't get offered something better before then. It's the whole reason I took this job on. I was like 'Ooh, extra money to help us move!' and now I haven't been paid in so long I'm like 'Fuck it. I want the money, but not the recriminations. Just fuck it.' But I'm still holding on because Hubby is super worried about the cost of moving and I want to help as much as I can. >__< I'm not saying I'm not worried, but I do have confidence it'll work out.
I got my NC massage license application in the mail today. So I need to fill it out and send it back pronto so i'll have my license by the time we move back. They require 2 months to process the application.
I was gonna write a lot more, but we need to get to bed. Love you all!

Future Me Letter

I got my letter!


Dear FutureMe, 
I'm only doing this because of peer pressure. I've never seen the point of doing these before, but I think this might be it. So here's what's going on in my life right now: 
Maya's just gone to the vet, where she put the fear of wild creatures into the superior-complex vet. 
I just had my MRI done of my left knee because of ACL. I meet the doctor on Tuesday to discuss my options and plan to desecrate my body. Recovery looks like forever, but from your vantage point, it's sure to seem like a blink of an eye. 
I just lost my job, and though I have an awesome recommendation letter (several, actually), I fear I won't find a job truly suitable to me. 
I worry that I'm going to become too much of a burden for my husband to bear. Logically I know it's bull shit, but emotionally I'm looking for signs of being tired of me. Of course, the only thing he say's he's tired of, is being on top all the time. That's hilarious, so I'm not worried about it too much. 
Other than that, life is pretty good. I love my husband, my life with him, and my cat. Heh. I also love my family, and hope in two years that Cin and the girls and boy will be in a much better place. 
I hope that Kris is finally holding up on her own, and that the babies are all happy and healthy and still love me best. 
I hope my parents are alright, and that we're looking forward to having children now! I should have had the implanon taken out two weeks ago, right? :D Yay no more nasty mood swings and long periods! 
Alright, I'm done. I hope this letter passes muster better than my last future letter did.


I'm a little disappointed with myself here. I'm in nearly the same position, and we already have a kid, but not one from our bodies. Cin and the kids aren't exactly in a 'better' place.
MJ talked with me today about her mom, and how since she came out of Cin's butt, everything about MJ will always be Cin's business. I was angry about it, but pretty simply put it this way: You'll lose things if you make them her business. I said that if she was going to tell her mom we're moving, that we wouldn't move to NC for sure then.
Originally we were talking about MJ and how she not only likes boys, but girls too, and the girls that she's liked and kissed. I was gently warning her not to tell the rest of our family, that they might hurt her feelings. She decided to be dramatic, and said 'I just want my family to know the real me!' I never would have told my Grandma that I was bisexual. Hell, when I told my mom, she cried and said she was scared for my soul!! Which makes me wonder about souls, honestly.

I wrote another letter to myself and tried to make it more gentle than this one. I'll see it in a year or two. I don't remember when I marked it.

New life rule:

When you get a thrill of fear and trepidation in your stomach every time your phone buzzes, you're not in a good situation and should find your way out of it.

How I learned this: I took on a new job recently. I was a Personal Assistant for a guy that was the President of a company, CEO of another, and did other things as well. I guess I'm still employed with him, but he's scaling back anything he's told me to do, and only wants me for the Japanese portion that he originally hired me for now. I'm fine with that, but a little ashamed it didn't work out. On the other hand, if I'd continued to be competent, he'd have just piled more and more on me, until I *did* reach this point, I think.

Why I'm no longer a full-PA: It's a funny story.... We'll call my employer Dr. D, and his roommate Baby B. Dr. D swears he left a house key for me on the desk, but it wasn't there. I cleaned and organized the entire room and couldn't find it. So I asked if I could make a copy of Baby B's key, and by the time that got 'ok'ed, it was 7 p.m. I should have clarified on when he expected it back, but I didn't, and that was my mistake. Instead of going that night, making the key, and returning his, I kept it overnight and made the copy in the morning.
Now normally, someone's just sleeping at their house at night, so it wouldn't matter, right? Well he apparently works nights, but no one told me that. When I was asking 'Are you sure its ok?' he replied 'Yeah, I've got the codes, I'm good' or something, and I took that to mean Codes=Key, he'll be okay til the next day. Essentially a simple miscommunication.
Well, this miscommunication turned into a double-paned window being broken, police called, and hours of recriminations. I'm not going into all of it because I just don't care to remember anymore. It should really have been a terrible day, and I should really have probably reached a point where I was crying and whining and apologizing, but I didn't. I'm kinda shocked at all of it, and very, deeply, sympathetic to the situation I unwittingly put Baby B into. He was locked out of his home, had to break a window to get in, and then got woken by police trying to 'clear' the home. All because some chick he barely knows couldn't find a key.
So yes, I'm the bad guy here, and I'm really sorry about it. But I'm also not responsible for the window. If he didn't have his key, why would he lock the door? Leave the back door open if you need to go out. That's what Mom always taught us.
There were wrongs on both sides. I don't think that's a good reason to let him mock me and question my abilities and intelligence any further though. I understand why he's angry, and he was very angry, but the anger should burn itself out, and I don't know if it will. I'm not going to accept continued recriminations after today. One day's worth is enough.
To be fair, my job was scaled back for another reason that kind of 'piled on top' of this one. Dr D had some medicines he needed before the weekend, but the total cost to get it to him was waaaay higher than he expected. He called me expensive and said he'd be calling in a previous admin to take over the duties I was given. These duties include: Closing up his room, paying his bills, going through his mail, planning his trip, and cleaning up his house, it seems. It was way beyond the scope of what he originally asked me for. I'm not exactly happy to be 'dismissed' but I'm also definitely not unhappy.

So yeah, this was my day. On a more interesting note, I had acupuncture again. But I also had my birth control removed on Tuesday, so my body is all over the place, and my energy is rebounding rather strongly. So this session, I'm pretty sure I fell asleep, but I was utterly aware of my body, and if I dreamed, I'd already forgotten it by the time I got off the table.

That's all, I think.

Cinco De Mayo

I think this video and song are cute. Mj and I like singing it together.


The day of 5 mayonnaises! Not really, but it amuses me to think so.

We took the Hellcat (above) back to APA. Manx wasn't able to carve out a niche here. Maya was repeatedly hunting him. He was so stressed he was marking everything, losing hair, and literally hid behind me to use his own water and food bowl. I just can't condone keeping an animal in that kind of situation if we don't have to. Here's another photo of him, with Maya stalking him in the background:

I like this song. It's kinda rock-ish, so maybe Aleckins will like it.

I haven't been able to get much work done for the PA job. I have so much I'm doing as a mom, and as a massage therapist that besides those three days, I really can't get much more time in. I could have worked on it this morning, but I was so tired, I couldn't stand to do much but sleep after the doctor's visit. 

I went to the doctor to check up on my bloodwork results. I'm in good health! I don't even have signs of hypothyroidism! Well, it's a little low, but it's not too bad, especially considering I haven't taken any medicine for it since October. I'm scheduled to get my BC taken out on the 12th, our anniversary is on the 15th, and I'm getting my nasty foot looked at on the 18th. I'm getting stuff done! I have a small chest cold, and need to pick up medicine he prescribed for that, but otherwise I'm good. 

MJ confided that she used to have panic attacks. She said she hasn't really had one since 3 days before she got out of school last year, but today she started getting dizzy and felt like she'd have one. She went to the nurse and laid down for a bit, felt better, and went back to class. We got freaked out because the school called my workplace (not us, not even once), and told them to tell me 'MJ's ok' and we were at the doctor. We were like 'We didn't even know she wasn't ok to start with. WTF??'

This video is horrible. I don't care if the monsters are CGed in afterward, it's terrible, and it made me cry. 

Also, I lost three pounds! Yay! I'm done now. 

I have a new job?

So a client at work kinda latched onto the idea that I speak Japanese and have lived there, and asked if I would give him some help with the language. I took this to be a tutoring request, and agreed. When he mentioned 'See you tomorrow!' at the front, C gave me a funny look, like 'What are you doing?' but I ignored it because it's really not her business. It's only her business if I'm massaging him, and I'm not.

So I met him, and we talked, and had a lesson, but what he actually was looking for was a Personal Assistant to 'grease the way' for him in Japan. He's looking for girls. Really. He's looking for cute older girls, and he doesn't mind marrying one. He wants someone to cook for him and take care of him and his house. I feel a little odd doing work like this, but the pay is really good, and while I'm not 100% certain yet, I don't think he's a creep just out to notch his bed.

I am, however, now working Wed-Thurs-Fri with him for hours at a time. In addition to my normal work hours Sat-Tuesday, my weeks are becoming fairly full. In fact, I made a post for a Breast Cancer awareness game stating that 'It's official, I'm gonna be a Mommy' and got an amazing amount of responses.

I was ashamed of all the well-wishes for a lie, and almost admitted the lie rather than follow the rules of the game (secretly tagging those that liked and commented, and making them play). Then I told a friend 'I'm living a lie!!' and she said 'Well yeah, but for a really good cause.' so I sucked it up and played the game. Tells me I'm really uncomfortable lying though.

But anyway, in the midst of cluing people in, I ended up with three appointments with previous classmates/teachers. One of them is a 90 minute massage that I'll be paid for. Another is a breakfast together, and another is a coffee break. All this week, and all because of that post.

So my schedule is getting almost scary, I have so much going on. And I'm exhausted and tired and always ready for bed, it feels like (except of course for around 2-4 a.m. when I really really need to be asleep). But I'm also happy and I'm doing well. The PA position makes me nervous. He's loading a lot onto my plate, and leaving it to me. I don't know that I know him well enough for a good portion of it, and that makes me nervous.

I need to be doing an invoice for him, for the number of hours I'm working for him. I think there's an invoice option on Microsoft, but wanted to ask if anyone has suggestions.

Manx is going back to the shelter tomorrow, if I can find the time. Otherwise, I'll try to have Hubby send him back on Sunday. It's just time for him to go. He's spraying everything, I'm actually worried about the weight he's lost, and Maya makes a sport of hunting him. That's not an environment I want an innocent cat in.

MJ has been behaving fairly well except for when she lets her mouth run away with her, and when she gets too tired. I didn't anticipate how much swimming would wear her out, and she nearly had a tantrum when Hubby tried to get her to fold her clothes, and she was too tired.

This group is interesting. I think the hottest guys are the Asian guy and the one with dark roots and blonde hair. And yes, I like their voices the best as well.


Yep, that's it. Goodnight! :)