Friends!

Since everyone else (well, almost everyone) has been posting on this subject, I figure I may as well post a little bit too. I actually can't comment on ppl's blogs so I have to send personal messages to each poster. Hubby gets skype messages, Fourth gets facebook messages, and caitlec get emails. I'm sorry to inundate you with messages like that, and if it becomes a bother, I promise I'll stop as long as you let me know. I'm terrified of being a bother, but I think you all know that by now.

Hubby said the other day that that part of me was one that had never changed, no matter how much time passes. And it's true. I can't stand being seen as a troublesome person to others. At least not on my own behalf. This makes it difficult for me to make friends as well, because it's so hard to know what will be considered unwanted attention or questions. I pride myself on being able to see when others are uncomfortable or in pain, but that doesn't always mean that I know what the reason for the trouble is, or if I can ease it. And it's difficult for me to understand simple solutions to problems. An easy example: The plug-in for my computer is a little far from the couch. I unplug my computer so I can have it on my lap, and because the battery is wonky, my computer will just die when it's ready. Hubby asked why I didn't move the couch closer to the plug in, and I honestly don't have an answer beyond: I never thought of it. The same sort of problem occurs when I try to talk to people.

There's the people that will good-naturedly listen to my thoughts and rambling, and I feel happy that they listen, but I worry that they dismiss my words because they see me as less interesting than others. There's the people that will listen to the beginning of my words, and then change the subject or interrupt me because my thoughts have triggered some of their own and they would prefer to talk about that. There's the people that will listen to me, but I have to listen to them for FOREVER before it's my turn, and then my turn is over so quickly as to not even have counted. I worry that these attitudes mean that my conversation is just a placeholder in the dialogue and not something that others really have any interest or care for.

When I think of these things, my voice freezes and I find it so difficult to talk that I actually end up just silently listening. One of my favorite taciturn heroines quotes that I think of when this happens is: Someone has to listen to all that talk. I think it's fascinating to see people's interactions and subtle domination or subjugation of others in simple conversation, and I know I can hold my own, but I don't want to. I don't enjoy battling and sparring with words, and making witty repartes with others that cause wounds or hurt feelings. I like conversation where everyone can say what they're burning to say, but also respect each other enough to listen to what they're saying. I'm not sure that's a common situation outside of formal debates though.....

I often find myself at a loss of topic for conversation as well. Any ready-made conversation starters you could suggest would be nice.

I like talking to Hubby. We talk a lot more than I feel we used to. Sometimes we can have pretty long conversations and I end up pretty surprised by how long we've been talking. Well, he's brushing his teeth now, which is the signal that he wants to go to bed, so I'll stop here. Good night!