So, it seems like every time I get mad at someone, or someone screws me over, i get closer and closer to this 'edge' i have....this point of 'i don't care about anyone else anymore' that I'm halfway dying to cross, and at the same time, halfway terrified to cross.....It's this state of mind that I can feel drifting along the edges of my anger. I daydream of finally letting go and freeing myself from the restrictions I placed. Just....rolling out, fighting back, throwing what the hell i want to throw, showing my ass in front of whoever the hell i want to. Being completely and irrevocably 'spoiled'. 'Hissy fit' or whatever you want to call it, I dream of it. I imagine being able to grab whatever, not worry about how important it is to someone else, throw it, hurt someone, not feel guilt and regret for hurting them, scream my feelings without having to talk and talk and talk about them to try to get the other person to understand me, and just fight back without being careful of revealing too much about what i know.
I don't really like the idea of other people realizing just how hot-blooded I am, how impulsive I wish to be, how much I hold myself back from others to keep them safe from myself. I look at my hands and see strength that can hurt or help. Or they can stay where they are, and do neither. I want others to recognize me, to see what type of person I honestly CAN be underneath all the niceness and 'let me help you'-ness. My mother thinks my sisters are monsters....they fight it out, punching, kicking, screaming, pulling hair. I want to do that too. I want to let go and do that as well. I feel like I've clamped myself down so much that there's no way anyone else can really peek in and see what else I am. I'm not saying that I'm not nice (though I don't see my niceness in most cases, it feels like common sense to me) and I'm not saying I don't enjoy helping others whenever I can. I'm saying that I can fight, throw priceless objects, punch, bite, scream, whatever. I'm dying to. I want to free myself from the self-control I have. And each bout of anger seems to wear a little bit more of my restraint away. In a portion of my mind, I'm thinking "Yes, yes, just a little more, please, fight more, push me more, fuck me over more, I'm so close!" but the other side is screaming and crying "Stop it! I don't want to hurt anyone! Stop hurting me! Why can't you stop doing this? I don't want to be a bad person!". *blank stare* It's sorta like I have a split personality that isn't split, merely separated. Simply by the way I manage to keep both of them from spilling out, I feel that I'm a strong person. I'm sure I sound egotistical about that. But I do, it gives me confidence and strength when I think of how I can stop myself from tearing into another person with ruthlessness. But in another way, I wonder if I'll ever be able to free myself. Show anyone how ruthless I am, how cruel I can be. It's not a good side of me, but it IS part of me. I'm not a fan of pretending it doesn't exist.
Another way I look at it, more and more often, is how cowardly I am. I'm too scared to hurt others. What if I get used to it? What if I lose people I love because of it? *closes eyes* I hate the thought of hurting others, but....I'm so tired of letting them hurt me. I want them to feel the pain they put me through, the irritation they cause me, the insults they throw at me while they laugh. The Golden Rule works both ways. How long do I need to give them the benefit of the doubt? How long til I can treat them how they treat me? When do they stop being so hypocritical? *sigh* I don't want to hear answers to these questions, I'm sure it'll be the usual "hold yourself up, ignore them, let it roll off your back, it's only for a little bit longer, you're better than that, you don't mean this stuff" I mean it. I'm torn in two about falling over the edge of my anger. I'm so excited and terrified of it. I'm wishing for it and praying it doesn't happen. I'm disgusted at how low I can sink, and so delighted that I'm human and a member of my family. I'm still in disbelief over how damned honorable and conscientious I've turned out to be. What am I, a twentieth century knight? Augh. I guess the point of this post was to 'come out' about just how horrible I am. How much I wish I could be horrible. Opinions? Comments? Questions?
4 comments:
Really, I'm not trying to offend you or make light of your situation. I am semi-serious: are you schizophrenic? Because that's what it sounds like.....
*tilts head* what's schizophrenic? I don't DO anything, and it doesn't 'interfere with my daily interactions' so there's not medical label of any type to place on me. That's what the therapist said anyway. That as long as I can control it, there's not need for medical assistance or therapy.
"Schizophrenic" as I understand it means that you have multiple personalities. But then I wikipedia-ed that shit and found out that I fall victim to that misunderstanding....I should have said "dual personality" to be more clear since it is completely different.
I've always been semi-serious about having a dual personality. One half is "Runa" and the other is "Jme". One side is base instincts, strong emotions, little worry, no fear. The other is worry for others, compassion, emotional tears, and caution when dealing with others. It's how I can be 'shy' and 'outgoing' at the same time. But they aren't separate people, they're just different sides of me, making up one whole person. My anger is Runa-based, my crying and fear, and loneliness is Jme-based. *shrug* They're both me, I just tend to feel them as separate states of mind. It's not a dual personality or schizophrenia to my understanding.
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