Those days when Hubby fucks me so hard that I can hardly stand, and have to slowly stagger around, I remember a goal I have. A goal I will one day realize.
I am going to truss him up like a turkey, and fuck him just like this, until he can't move around either. That day shall be glorious. That day shall come. And he will not see it coming til he's tied up and getting prepped. Beware you bastard, because if I have to hobble like an old woman, you're gonna hobble like an old man.
I have a goal. And it WILL happen. End post.
Monday, May 2, 2016
Friday, April 22, 2016
I finally blew up at Hubby
He hurt my feelings when I was trying to show him the street I want to live on one day. He wasn't listening to me (He said I didn't sound like I knew what I was doing), so I set the GPS, which he then ignored. We both ended up frustrated, so he turned to me and said 'I'm just gonna head home, ok?' and at that point, I was like 'Yeah, that's probably best. I don't want to do this if you're this unenthusiastic.' so I said it was fine.
I considered waiting til we got home to have the 'you hurt me' discussion, but since it wasn't that big of a deal at the time, I figured it would be a good chance to show MJ a constructive way to argue. Yeah, that blew up about how you'd expect. Hubby completely shut me out, didn't communicate, and frustrated me so badly I ended up yelling at him. MJ ended up near tears asking for me to just give up, because she 'doesn't want us to break up'. I told her giving up would mean a divorce, because I truly feel once you give up on someone, your relationship is kinda doomed. Hubby frustrated me so much that I have fairly well given up on any progress on the 'finding a house to rent' front. If he wants us to find a home, then he can fucking do it. I'm tired of forcing myself down his throat.
I'm really just tired in all kinds of ways. I've talked to him about this, but I don't know if he truly understands how much I've been forcing myself. I don't like being the only one texting, or the one to start the texts all the time, and after he doesn't reply, I get lonely, especially if it's hours later before he replies. Hell, by then I've forgotten the conversation.
I've been trying really hard to limit how much I'm eating, and what I'm eating, but he warns me when I do eat something he doesn't think of as 'healthy' or if it's not at an 'appropriate' hour. He's only done that a couple of times though, so that's not too much of a big deal, but it's certainly frustrating.
If I don't ask about what they think of dinner, they certainly don't tell me 'It's good'. That kinda tells me the food is bad. If you have to fish for compliments, you're not doing it right. That's frustrating and kills my urge to cook. What's the point of cooking if people are just gonna silently eat it? Or worse, if they're gonna exclaim how it smells gross. Thanks dear. I feel very encouraged to make food more often.
If I do clean something, it's pretty funny, but hubby doesn't notice. I don't bother pointing it out when I do things anymore. If he notices, great. If he doesn't, it doesn't matter because I didn't do it for his approval.
He says I'm overly critical, and I certainly agree. I've been biting back comments about why he hasn't vacuumed the floors for over a week now. It's burning at the back of my throat but I think I've managed not to say anything. Not that it matters, because as a developing shrew, I can find fault in most anything, especially if I did it. He thinks I'm overly critical of him, but it's really everything. I've reined myself in an amazing amount (in my over-inflated opinion), but the important thing is that I'm still bitching about what he doesn't do right. Or what MJ doesn't do right. I just want the jury to be aware that I do try to be less critical.
It's funny. Our relationship is turning me into a shrew. MJ is turning me into a bitch. And I'm turning myself into a bitter cynical woman older than her years. It's great. At this rate, I'll become my mother in no time. Except for the kids part. I guess MJ will be enough on that front.
I want children, but he says we aren't financially ready, and to a point, I agree. But it's not likely that I'm going get pregnant the first time we forgo a condom. It's likely to take a while, honestly. But yeah, I guess we shouldn't even risk it until we're well-established, have money saved up, and a home to raise the baby in. My biological clock doesn't agree though. It argues quite vehemently, actually. Oh well. It's just my body fighting me. Nothing new.
Hubby has a terrible habit of making me guess his thoughts and feelings. It's a recurring argument that we have every couple of months/years. That's how deeply his silence has run. It invades our daily life all the way in.
He didn't realize that he makes me hate myself when I turn into a nag. That I hate myself when I end up yelling at him or Mia. I've done a lot of yelling today. Mia had the gall to say that she wished she'd never been born. And I asked if she really wanted to fuck with me today, and she was brave enough to say yes. She soon learned her mistake, and seems far happier now that I've lectured the shit out of her. By the end of it, she was pretty much 'Yes ma'aming' me to death. Not the 'I'm not listening' type either, but the 'I'm thinking about what you're saying' type.
I've been trying hard sodas lately. They're alcoholic sodas, like 'The Best Damn Root Beer' and 'Over The Barrel Cream Soda'. The Sodas so far have been.... interesting. Like, I really liked 'Not Your Father's Root Beer' but I don't like the other two I just mentioned.... at all. I have a six pack of Cream Soda that I'm heavily considering giving away. =.= Eh, I'll drink it eventually.
I feel a little left out at work, because everyone drinks. So I've tried to find things that I like that are alcoholic, but the search isn't going too well, and it feels a little bit like Hubby is judging me every time I drink. After asking Hubby, apparently he just wonders if I'm ever going to get drunk again. He says it was hilarious. He thinks that now. I don't think he felt that way then.
HOW DO THEY DEAL WITH THE CONSTANT URGE TO PEE WHEN THEY DRINK?!?!?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.
I considered waiting til we got home to have the 'you hurt me' discussion, but since it wasn't that big of a deal at the time, I figured it would be a good chance to show MJ a constructive way to argue. Yeah, that blew up about how you'd expect. Hubby completely shut me out, didn't communicate, and frustrated me so badly I ended up yelling at him. MJ ended up near tears asking for me to just give up, because she 'doesn't want us to break up'. I told her giving up would mean a divorce, because I truly feel once you give up on someone, your relationship is kinda doomed. Hubby frustrated me so much that I have fairly well given up on any progress on the 'finding a house to rent' front. If he wants us to find a home, then he can fucking do it. I'm tired of forcing myself down his throat.
I'm really just tired in all kinds of ways. I've talked to him about this, but I don't know if he truly understands how much I've been forcing myself. I don't like being the only one texting, or the one to start the texts all the time, and after he doesn't reply, I get lonely, especially if it's hours later before he replies. Hell, by then I've forgotten the conversation.
I've been trying really hard to limit how much I'm eating, and what I'm eating, but he warns me when I do eat something he doesn't think of as 'healthy' or if it's not at an 'appropriate' hour. He's only done that a couple of times though, so that's not too much of a big deal, but it's certainly frustrating.
If I don't ask about what they think of dinner, they certainly don't tell me 'It's good'. That kinda tells me the food is bad. If you have to fish for compliments, you're not doing it right. That's frustrating and kills my urge to cook. What's the point of cooking if people are just gonna silently eat it? Or worse, if they're gonna exclaim how it smells gross. Thanks dear. I feel very encouraged to make food more often.
If I do clean something, it's pretty funny, but hubby doesn't notice. I don't bother pointing it out when I do things anymore. If he notices, great. If he doesn't, it doesn't matter because I didn't do it for his approval.
He says I'm overly critical, and I certainly agree. I've been biting back comments about why he hasn't vacuumed the floors for over a week now. It's burning at the back of my throat but I think I've managed not to say anything. Not that it matters, because as a developing shrew, I can find fault in most anything, especially if I did it. He thinks I'm overly critical of him, but it's really everything. I've reined myself in an amazing amount (in my over-inflated opinion), but the important thing is that I'm still bitching about what he doesn't do right. Or what MJ doesn't do right. I just want the jury to be aware that I do try to be less critical.
It's funny. Our relationship is turning me into a shrew. MJ is turning me into a bitch. And I'm turning myself into a bitter cynical woman older than her years. It's great. At this rate, I'll become my mother in no time. Except for the kids part. I guess MJ will be enough on that front.
I want children, but he says we aren't financially ready, and to a point, I agree. But it's not likely that I'm going get pregnant the first time we forgo a condom. It's likely to take a while, honestly. But yeah, I guess we shouldn't even risk it until we're well-established, have money saved up, and a home to raise the baby in. My biological clock doesn't agree though. It argues quite vehemently, actually. Oh well. It's just my body fighting me. Nothing new.
Hubby has a terrible habit of making me guess his thoughts and feelings. It's a recurring argument that we have every couple of months/years. That's how deeply his silence has run. It invades our daily life all the way in.
He didn't realize that he makes me hate myself when I turn into a nag. That I hate myself when I end up yelling at him or Mia. I've done a lot of yelling today. Mia had the gall to say that she wished she'd never been born. And I asked if she really wanted to fuck with me today, and she was brave enough to say yes. She soon learned her mistake, and seems far happier now that I've lectured the shit out of her. By the end of it, she was pretty much 'Yes ma'aming' me to death. Not the 'I'm not listening' type either, but the 'I'm thinking about what you're saying' type.
I've been trying hard sodas lately. They're alcoholic sodas, like 'The Best Damn Root Beer' and 'Over The Barrel Cream Soda'. The Sodas so far have been.... interesting. Like, I really liked 'Not Your Father's Root Beer' but I don't like the other two I just mentioned.... at all. I have a six pack of Cream Soda that I'm heavily considering giving away. =.= Eh, I'll drink it eventually.
I feel a little left out at work, because everyone drinks. So I've tried to find things that I like that are alcoholic, but the search isn't going too well, and it feels a little bit like Hubby is judging me every time I drink. After asking Hubby, apparently he just wonders if I'm ever going to get drunk again. He says it was hilarious. He thinks that now. I don't think he felt that way then.
HOW DO THEY DEAL WITH THE CONSTANT URGE TO PEE WHEN THEY DRINK?!?!?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.
Monday, April 11, 2016
I nearly quit today.
I'm fed up with my silly day job lately. It's extremely stressful. To give you an idea of how stressful: I take medicine to keep from getting heartburn daily. I had so much anxiety today that my medicine is no longer working. This medicine is no joke, it could poison you if you overdose on it, and my anxiety kicked its a**. Anyway. How I feel now....well except the fucking around:
I got written up at work for undercutting a bid and basically costing the company close to $700 dollars with a bid approval. There were a couple things that weren't my fault, but it started and ended with my mistakes, so I can accept that I f**ed up. I don't like how they did it though. Basically, I don't approve of public humiliation, and 'this is what I can't stand about you' being used in a work-place setting. They tell me that I'm killing them because I'm underbidding, but he only really gave me a good idea of how high I need to be bidding within the last couple of weeks. This bid was in February. And there's no clear answer given about 'Well what if I've done this with other bids without realizing it and we get those back?' even though I did specifically ask about it.
I did find a solution for the templates being off though: I can send the 'correct' version to the Training Coordinator (who I don't really like), and he'll fix it for me. The crews are getting frustrated with the templates not having everything they need to supply, and I'm frustrated with it too. I have two new girls that I'm trying to train, while I'm getting chewed out, while I'm trying to learn more, while I'm trying to get work submitted on time. I don't have time to check over each work order they send out to be sure they've written out all the instructions for a work order.
I really feel like I'm wasting time at this job. I wanted to stay for at least 6 months, and I'm technically nine days from that. But in the next four days, I'm required to put a deposit down for $150 on a Family Vacation my company is sponsoring, and if I leave, get put on probation, or get fired, I will lose that deposit, and it's too late to say no. Honestly, I was ready to walk out at the end of the day today and just never come back. After having a talk with the Training Co. and the Hiring Manager though, I felt a little better, and like I could keep trying.
EVERYONE except the owners admit my client is a bit**. EVERYONE admits that this client is THE WORST, and that they are really hard to work for. If I thought they would let me, I'd ask to be transferred to a different department like Vendor Management or Quality Control so I don't have to work with this client anymore, but I am literally the only one trained for them, as anyone I get trained leaves. ;__; I don't want this client. I don't like working for them because they are so damn persnickety.
Ahahaha, that reminds me. The Training Co. mentioned something like 'You've stated you're interested in becoming a Team Lead so...' and I guess I made a funny face, because he said 'You DO want to be a Team Lead, right?' and I shrugged a shoulder at him. I don't want to be a Team Lead. It's really not worth it. 80 hours a week, less than $30,000 a year, and constant abuse from the managers? No thanks. I'm not that hard up for cash.
Hubby says I need to at least give a two weeks notice as it looks bad on me otherwise. I can honestly say that of the 10+ people that have left this company, I can think of literally ONE that gave notice. And she was able to do that because she was moving away to further her schooling. I've already spoken with my previous supervisor (who has also quit and did not give two weeks notice), and she's promised to give me a good recommendation. With her recommendation instead of the company's I don't really feel that I need to give two weeks notice, but I guess it would keep me on better footing if I was ever desperate enough to go back to them.
It just feels like there's strings attached to EVERYTHING. At my massage job, if we leave the company in the next six months, we'll have to pay back the $250 dollars that the owner is forking over for us to be trained in oncology massage. I don't think it's fair to enslave us for six months, but I also agree that it's fair that if we take that training elsewhere and not contribute it to the company he deserves recompense. I just don't know that 12 CEUs is worth six months of work.
I would really appreciate everyone's input about this. I spoke with rozfire this weekend when we had lunch together (It was yummy and fun! She gave me some super cool books that I've been glancing through multiple times a day), and she said I should start searching for another job, but not quit until I find one, because job hunting can take months. My experience with job hunting is that it takes anywhere from 1-3 months for a job that isn't massage. I can get another massage job within two weeks for sure. The next job on my list is reception/secretary, and with the training I've gotten at this company, I feel much more prepared for a secretary position.
Awwww... Old People love! This was a touching video. The song is okay.
I got written up at work for undercutting a bid and basically costing the company close to $700 dollars with a bid approval. There were a couple things that weren't my fault, but it started and ended with my mistakes, so I can accept that I f**ed up. I don't like how they did it though. Basically, I don't approve of public humiliation, and 'this is what I can't stand about you' being used in a work-place setting. They tell me that I'm killing them because I'm underbidding, but he only really gave me a good idea of how high I need to be bidding within the last couple of weeks. This bid was in February. And there's no clear answer given about 'Well what if I've done this with other bids without realizing it and we get those back?' even though I did specifically ask about it.
I did find a solution for the templates being off though: I can send the 'correct' version to the Training Coordinator (who I don't really like), and he'll fix it for me. The crews are getting frustrated with the templates not having everything they need to supply, and I'm frustrated with it too. I have two new girls that I'm trying to train, while I'm getting chewed out, while I'm trying to learn more, while I'm trying to get work submitted on time. I don't have time to check over each work order they send out to be sure they've written out all the instructions for a work order.
I really feel like I'm wasting time at this job. I wanted to stay for at least 6 months, and I'm technically nine days from that. But in the next four days, I'm required to put a deposit down for $150 on a Family Vacation my company is sponsoring, and if I leave, get put on probation, or get fired, I will lose that deposit, and it's too late to say no. Honestly, I was ready to walk out at the end of the day today and just never come back. After having a talk with the Training Co. and the Hiring Manager though, I felt a little better, and like I could keep trying.
EVERYONE except the owners admit my client is a bit**. EVERYONE admits that this client is THE WORST, and that they are really hard to work for. If I thought they would let me, I'd ask to be transferred to a different department like Vendor Management or Quality Control so I don't have to work with this client anymore, but I am literally the only one trained for them, as anyone I get trained leaves. ;__; I don't want this client. I don't like working for them because they are so damn persnickety.
Ahahaha, that reminds me. The Training Co. mentioned something like 'You've stated you're interested in becoming a Team Lead so...' and I guess I made a funny face, because he said 'You DO want to be a Team Lead, right?' and I shrugged a shoulder at him. I don't want to be a Team Lead. It's really not worth it. 80 hours a week, less than $30,000 a year, and constant abuse from the managers? No thanks. I'm not that hard up for cash.
Hubby says I need to at least give a two weeks notice as it looks bad on me otherwise. I can honestly say that of the 10+ people that have left this company, I can think of literally ONE that gave notice. And she was able to do that because she was moving away to further her schooling. I've already spoken with my previous supervisor (who has also quit and did not give two weeks notice), and she's promised to give me a good recommendation. With her recommendation instead of the company's I don't really feel that I need to give two weeks notice, but I guess it would keep me on better footing if I was ever desperate enough to go back to them.
It just feels like there's strings attached to EVERYTHING. At my massage job, if we leave the company in the next six months, we'll have to pay back the $250 dollars that the owner is forking over for us to be trained in oncology massage. I don't think it's fair to enslave us for six months, but I also agree that it's fair that if we take that training elsewhere and not contribute it to the company he deserves recompense. I just don't know that 12 CEUs is worth six months of work.
I would really appreciate everyone's input about this. I spoke with rozfire this weekend when we had lunch together (It was yummy and fun! She gave me some super cool books that I've been glancing through multiple times a day), and she said I should start searching for another job, but not quit until I find one, because job hunting can take months. My experience with job hunting is that it takes anywhere from 1-3 months for a job that isn't massage. I can get another massage job within two weeks for sure. The next job on my list is reception/secretary, and with the training I've gotten at this company, I feel much more prepared for a secretary position.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
5 minute Post
I'm limiting myself to 5 minutes because it's late and I'm tired. For Caitikins: Yes, I feel overwhelmed quite often, but I actually find doing massage to be refreshing. I think partially it's because I've missed helping people, and partially because I already know if I feel ill-used, I can leave that job and look for another one at any time. Like-wise with CPR, I'm prepared to just stop at any time, and with that little thought, I'm able to weather the pressure much better than I would if I felt stuck with no wiggle room. It's like when you're trapped and can't move your limbs versus being trapped in a room. You'd really freak out a LOT more about the first possibility than you would the second.
Also: I'm pretty sure CPR lied to me about making me a team lead, and after talking with my now 'retired' previous lead today, I am seriously doubting whether I would want to be one anyway. She said you're required to take your labtop home each night, you're responsible for any mess-ups, and you're expected to work as many hours as necessary for no increase in pay over 80 hours. And apparently yes, you do work 80+ hours regularly. And the pay was 'In the 20s, but definitely under 30' and since it's salaried, I believe that means 20-30 thousand a year. So I'm like 'Yeaaaaah, that won't work for my family and me....'
So Hubbikins tends to think I'm angry at him when I'm just hurt. I let him think I'm angry because at least he has ideas of how to handle the anger, and that way he won't hug me and make me cry. For example, I am super discouraged because he semi-scolded me like 'I thought you were gonna put in more effort to be healthy if you survived to 26' was the basic gist of what he said. And I was so discouraged because I changed my habits as soon as I made it to 26. Yes, we've eaten out, but I've been choosing the healthier options as much as possible. Yes, I had some chocolates today, but I ate 1/3 less for dinner (pizza/breadsticks) than I normally do, and I didn't have dessert yesterday at all. I made my smoothie with no sugar, and when I was given a super sweet and creamy coffee today, I poured half of it out (a little more than half, honestly) and filled it with pure black organic coffee instead. Instead of watching a movie or show with dinner today, I made Reb take us the park, where we ate outside and talked about our days. Then we went shopping for an hour, which counts as exercise to me, because it's standing and walking (and kinda excruciatingly painful). So anyway, I'm making efforts, and it's discouraging that he doesn't see it yet. That's fine though, it's not for him, it's for me, and I keep my promises.
So this is over the five minute limit I set..... Teehee..... Gnight. >.<
Also: I'm pretty sure CPR lied to me about making me a team lead, and after talking with my now 'retired' previous lead today, I am seriously doubting whether I would want to be one anyway. She said you're required to take your labtop home each night, you're responsible for any mess-ups, and you're expected to work as many hours as necessary for no increase in pay over 80 hours. And apparently yes, you do work 80+ hours regularly. And the pay was 'In the 20s, but definitely under 30' and since it's salaried, I believe that means 20-30 thousand a year. So I'm like 'Yeaaaaah, that won't work for my family and me....'
So Hubbikins tends to think I'm angry at him when I'm just hurt. I let him think I'm angry because at least he has ideas of how to handle the anger, and that way he won't hug me and make me cry. For example, I am super discouraged because he semi-scolded me like 'I thought you were gonna put in more effort to be healthy if you survived to 26' was the basic gist of what he said. And I was so discouraged because I changed my habits as soon as I made it to 26. Yes, we've eaten out, but I've been choosing the healthier options as much as possible. Yes, I had some chocolates today, but I ate 1/3 less for dinner (pizza/breadsticks) than I normally do, and I didn't have dessert yesterday at all. I made my smoothie with no sugar, and when I was given a super sweet and creamy coffee today, I poured half of it out (a little more than half, honestly) and filled it with pure black organic coffee instead. Instead of watching a movie or show with dinner today, I made Reb take us the park, where we ate outside and talked about our days. Then we went shopping for an hour, which counts as exercise to me, because it's standing and walking (and kinda excruciatingly painful). So anyway, I'm making efforts, and it's discouraging that he doesn't see it yet. That's fine though, it's not for him, it's for me, and I keep my promises.
So this is over the five minute limit I set..... Teehee..... Gnight. >.<
Sunday, March 13, 2016
First day at work
I started my new job today. My side massage job. I worked from 11 to 4, with an hour break between 1 and 2. Ironically, during my break the power went out repeatedly due to some outages in the area. It was weird. On my way home, I noticed some traffic lights were out too, and that's pretty dangerous, so I tried to be careful, but I was really tired.
Originally I was fully booked, but in the end, I massaged two clients, had my break, and then massaged one client and was done. It was a good thing too, cause I was super tired, and I'd gotten hungry again, and I was nervous about whether my clients enjoyed my massage, as none of them seemed interested in coming back to me. ;__;
When I got off early, I came home, called Hubby, and told him to grab the littlin and we would go pick up groceries (since we needed milk). Shouldna done that.... I was hungry so obviously we bought way too much. Interestingly I picked up an avocado (I don't like them at all), opened it tonight with dinner, and ate some. I even made a yummy dip with it that I'll eat with my sashimi tomorrow at work. I don't even like avocado, but I still ate that sucker and said it tasted good.
Anyway, after the grocery store trip of doom, we came home, I immediately went to shower, and then while 'decompressing' I couldn't stay awake. So Hubby made dinner and then came to lay with me for a bit to wake me up. It felt so gooood. One thing about myself that even I know is really weird: I like to sleep diagonally across the bed, with my head on Hubby's pillow. My pillow is better, but I still want Hubby's. *shrug* It's weird. I don't need all that room (as proven today, when I slept in a bed topped with all sorts of stuff and didn't disturb any of it except what I moved to lay down initially), but I like the positioning.
I'll be working tomorrow at CPR from 9-4, coming home, picking up Reb, and then going to the massage job from 6 to 9. I may get home in time to tuck in MJ, but I'm not sure. I'm really concerned that I won't have the energy necessary to handle both jobs, though in my head it doesn't seem like a lot of work. It's generally 9-10 hours of massage, and I think they're hoping I'll up my hours to include another week night eventually. I'm willing to give it a try for sure, like a month/2 month long trial and see where I'm at.
I didn't finish reading the article, because it's just so in-depth and I'm so tired, but this is an interesting article detailing how millennials are changing the idea of monogamy and sex for our generation, and working toward gender equality by making promiscuity equal. It's actually rather interesting.
http://www.rollingstone.com/feature/millennial-sexual-revolution-relationships-marriage
Finally, two things: First, I forgot to mention on the previous post that I'm supposed to be getting trained up to be a Team Lead, which is essentially a Manager. So hopefully that will also translate into a raise, and additional benefits or something. Every day is a toss up, like 'Is today the day they push too hard and I quit?' or 'Is today going to one of those days where everything is awesome?' We shall see. We shall always see.
The other thing is my birthday plans. My birthday coincides with Easter this year (the weekend at least. A part of me is still mentally saying 'SEE MOMMA. TOLD YOU THIS HAPPENS. SUCK IT.' but the rest is like 'Ooh, cool, let's see all the celebration stuff we can cram into this one weekend.
Things I want at my birthday this year:
~ I want Papa to grill steaks and stuff.
~ I want a Pinata. Filled with eggs. That have candy or money inside. And instead of using a bat, I want to use a sword. Yeessssssss.
~ I want a couple gifts. New bras, for one thing. I'd love a bamboo pillow, and I'm thinking of buying matching ones for me and my brother, since his birthday is this week. Otherwise.... I know my family doesn't have much, and I'm not all that inclined to be like 'gimme gimme'.
~ I would really like for family to not fight, and to not try to push their bounds, but we know that's going to happen, so it's wasted want.
~ I want candles on my birthday cake. (Don't care what type, so long as I get cake. I guess marble or chocolate?) We bought some today at Food Lion. Yay!
~ I want an easter egg hunt. Teehee?
~ I would love some balloons to mutilate and use their innards for my amusement.
~ I'd like my siblings there. Without me having to transport them. Seriously.
Hm. Writing it all out, I don't feel like I'm asking for a whole lot. Maybe I'm just not seeing all the effort this will take? I dunno. I'm kinda looking forward to it though.
And yep, I'm done for now.
Originally I was fully booked, but in the end, I massaged two clients, had my break, and then massaged one client and was done. It was a good thing too, cause I was super tired, and I'd gotten hungry again, and I was nervous about whether my clients enjoyed my massage, as none of them seemed interested in coming back to me. ;__;
When I got off early, I came home, called Hubby, and told him to grab the littlin and we would go pick up groceries (since we needed milk). Shouldna done that.... I was hungry so obviously we bought way too much. Interestingly I picked up an avocado (I don't like them at all), opened it tonight with dinner, and ate some. I even made a yummy dip with it that I'll eat with my sashimi tomorrow at work. I don't even like avocado, but I still ate that sucker and said it tasted good.
Anyway, after the grocery store trip of doom, we came home, I immediately went to shower, and then while 'decompressing' I couldn't stay awake. So Hubby made dinner and then came to lay with me for a bit to wake me up. It felt so gooood. One thing about myself that even I know is really weird: I like to sleep diagonally across the bed, with my head on Hubby's pillow. My pillow is better, but I still want Hubby's. *shrug* It's weird. I don't need all that room (as proven today, when I slept in a bed topped with all sorts of stuff and didn't disturb any of it except what I moved to lay down initially), but I like the positioning.
I'll be working tomorrow at CPR from 9-4, coming home, picking up Reb, and then going to the massage job from 6 to 9. I may get home in time to tuck in MJ, but I'm not sure. I'm really concerned that I won't have the energy necessary to handle both jobs, though in my head it doesn't seem like a lot of work. It's generally 9-10 hours of massage, and I think they're hoping I'll up my hours to include another week night eventually. I'm willing to give it a try for sure, like a month/2 month long trial and see where I'm at.
I didn't finish reading the article, because it's just so in-depth and I'm so tired, but this is an interesting article detailing how millennials are changing the idea of monogamy and sex for our generation, and working toward gender equality by making promiscuity equal. It's actually rather interesting.
http://www.rollingstone.com/feature/millennial-sexual-revolution-relationships-marriage
Finally, two things: First, I forgot to mention on the previous post that I'm supposed to be getting trained up to be a Team Lead, which is essentially a Manager. So hopefully that will also translate into a raise, and additional benefits or something. Every day is a toss up, like 'Is today the day they push too hard and I quit?' or 'Is today going to one of those days where everything is awesome?' We shall see. We shall always see.
The other thing is my birthday plans. My birthday coincides with Easter this year (the weekend at least. A part of me is still mentally saying 'SEE MOMMA. TOLD YOU THIS HAPPENS. SUCK IT.' but the rest is like 'Ooh, cool, let's see all the celebration stuff we can cram into this one weekend.
Things I want at my birthday this year:
~ I want Papa to grill steaks and stuff.
~ I want a Pinata. Filled with eggs. That have candy or money inside. And instead of using a bat, I want to use a sword. Yeessssssss.
~ I want a couple gifts. New bras, for one thing. I'd love a bamboo pillow, and I'm thinking of buying matching ones for me and my brother, since his birthday is this week. Otherwise.... I know my family doesn't have much, and I'm not all that inclined to be like 'gimme gimme'.
~ I would really like for family to not fight, and to not try to push their bounds, but we know that's going to happen, so it's wasted want.
~ I want candles on my birthday cake. (Don't care what type, so long as I get cake. I guess marble or chocolate?) We bought some today at Food Lion. Yay!
~ I want an easter egg hunt. Teehee?
~ I would love some balloons to mutilate and use their innards for my amusement.
~ I'd like my siblings there. Without me having to transport them. Seriously.
Hm. Writing it all out, I don't feel like I'm asking for a whole lot. Maybe I'm just not seeing all the effort this will take? I dunno. I'm kinda looking forward to it though.
And yep, I'm done for now.
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
I've been holding things close to my chest lately.
And I think it's because I'm worried that it'll be taken away if I talk about it. I'm not sure where the idea came from, or why I seem to be holding tight to information about myself, but it's become a bit of a worrisome thing. I don't mean to. So lets see if I can expound on some things that are relatively 'new'.
1. I'm sort of anxious because I've always thought I would die before I hit 26. So in my mind, I'm a little bit 'I have less than a month left' and I'm getting jittery about it. I don't know why I'm so convinced, I just know I am.
2. Recently Hubbikins applied to two massage jobs for me. I had phone interviews with both places, and a practical at one. The one I had the practical at, offered me the job as soon as I finished up the massage and was cleaning up. It was quite flattering. I was caught off guard and said yes. You see, I did want to get back into doing massage, but I wasn't sure I wanted to do much of it yet. It's really hard on my body. So when they offered, I HAD to say yes, or they may never give me a job later, and it's a place I would enjoy working at in future. I'll be honest. I felt a little resentful towards Hubby because I wasn't planning to start back at massage, and I felt forced into it. I know he was only trying to help, but this is going to be a hell of way to jump back into it.
3. I went in for training today on my new massage job. It was interesting. I like the place, I like the benefits, I'm leery about the pay. My estimates are roughly showing that without tips to supplement my massage, I'll be paid something between $16-24 based on the type of client, and the type of massage, etc. That's really low for me, and I'm not sure I'll be willing to stay for that amount. I'll give it a couple months though. The people have been very nice so far, so I'm hopeful.
4. I'll be working there Mon/Wed from 6pm to 9pm, so I *might* make it home to tuck MJ into bed at night those days. I'll also be working a weekend day, but while she wants me to work this Sunday, she said she wasn't sure if she would keep me on Sundays.
5. We're doing our taxes on the 19th, and then driving to my Mom's place for Chay's birthday. I already asked for that weekend off at both work places, so that's good.
6. I'm hoping to have a barbecue at my parent's place the weekend after that (Easter weekend) to celebrate my birthday. I asked Hubbikins to talk to my parents about it, but he didn't do that yet. When I just got off the phone with my mom, I asked her about it, and she said she'd be fine with hosting my birthday 'party' but that Hubby hasn't mentioned anything to her. I'm unhappy that I had to mention it. I feel egotistical and dirty for arranging my own birthday barbecue, but it doesn't look like it'll get arranged if I don't do it so I'm sucking it up. I want to enjoy my birthday.
7. I've recently realized that if I only wore what I wanted to at home, I'd dress like a slut all the time. Tube tops, slinky dresses, fishnet stockings, flowy dresses and high heels amuse me and make me feel rather free. Not free like sensual, just free to be me. I try to keep those clothing choices to a minimum though because I feel like it could set a bad precedent for MJ. I'm not doing it to dress sexy, I just like how they don't feel restrictive.
8. I tried to arrange to go to the doctor, but it didn't work out. I needed an insurance card, and we won't have that for another week or two, and I'm working every day for the next two weeks after today. It sucks. I'm not as nauseous as I have been for the last few weeks (I think I accidentally poisoned myself), but I still feel like I'm a little sick, and I need a check-up. I haven't had one since before we moved in July.
9. I've been thinking about moving to a new location. Mainly because I still want a house, and I want Hubby to be able to get to work with or without a car without any issues. Right now I've been driving him to a bus stop and he takes two buses to get to work but it takes him about an hour to get to work every day. I don't mind driving, but if I drive him straight to work, I inevitably hit two or three traffic jams on my way to work, which is in the opposite direction. Basically, my job is fifteen minutes east, and his is about fifteen to twenty minutes west. It makes for a lot of driving.
10. I'm getting desperate to read something good. I've tried to satisfy myself with fanfiction, and some of it is satisfying enough that it settles my urge a little, but.... I need more. I have books to read, but I have a nasty habit of not being able to sleep if I haven't finished the book, and I don't have enough time to sit around reading a book or more in one day.
11. I put Hubby in charge of teaching MJ to make mexican food yesterday. I've told him how frustrating it is, and he's kind of been ....less than supportive about the difficulty of it. Guess what his ass did? He ended up making it himself! I was like 'You just entirely defeated the purpose of the exercise, and you let her win by letting her think that if she whines enough, she'll get out of cooking!' I'm so frustrated by that. Next week is going to be hellish because of his decision to do it himself. He said she couldn't do it, but I've had her make the meat before, I've had her make rice before, and the beans just needed to be heated up, and I started that for her! She knew how to make ALL OF IT. I've ALREADY TAUGHT HER. She basically PLAYED him, and he made it out like 'Well that's too hard for her.' Uh, no. She knows how. She just didn't want to because she didn't get to choose what she was making.
12. I basically decided that if she doesn't tell me what she's making by Sunday, I'll be choosing her meal to make. I've been wanting spicy food, so I went for mexican this time. She's been pretty set on making frozen food for her dinners lately, and to me, that's not really cooking. That's grab and ping (Ping being the microwave timer going off saying when to take something out). Don't get me wrong, Grab and Ping has it's uses and there's times that it is MUCH better to go for ready made. I actually prefer ready made mashed potatoes to real mashed potatoes because of the heat, the steam, the danger, and truthfully, instant tastes a little better.
13. My mom just got off her liver medicine on Sunday. She's doing really well. Something about her Hepatitus being cured or put into stasis or something. She doles out the information piecemeal so I don't understand it all. I'm just glad she's done with it. She's gonna have foot surgery next month, she says. Then after that, she may have hip surgery. I'm not sure. She wants to get 'fixed' so she can do more. It's her choice, I just wish Papa took better care of her when she's sick/healing.
I'm sure there's other stuff I haven't shared, but I can't think of much. I hope this gave you all a little insight into what's been going on lately. Thanks for reading!
I like this song:
1. I'm sort of anxious because I've always thought I would die before I hit 26. So in my mind, I'm a little bit 'I have less than a month left' and I'm getting jittery about it. I don't know why I'm so convinced, I just know I am.
2. Recently Hubbikins applied to two massage jobs for me. I had phone interviews with both places, and a practical at one. The one I had the practical at, offered me the job as soon as I finished up the massage and was cleaning up. It was quite flattering. I was caught off guard and said yes. You see, I did want to get back into doing massage, but I wasn't sure I wanted to do much of it yet. It's really hard on my body. So when they offered, I HAD to say yes, or they may never give me a job later, and it's a place I would enjoy working at in future. I'll be honest. I felt a little resentful towards Hubby because I wasn't planning to start back at massage, and I felt forced into it. I know he was only trying to help, but this is going to be a hell of way to jump back into it.
3. I went in for training today on my new massage job. It was interesting. I like the place, I like the benefits, I'm leery about the pay. My estimates are roughly showing that without tips to supplement my massage, I'll be paid something between $16-24 based on the type of client, and the type of massage, etc. That's really low for me, and I'm not sure I'll be willing to stay for that amount. I'll give it a couple months though. The people have been very nice so far, so I'm hopeful.
4. I'll be working there Mon/Wed from 6pm to 9pm, so I *might* make it home to tuck MJ into bed at night those days. I'll also be working a weekend day, but while she wants me to work this Sunday, she said she wasn't sure if she would keep me on Sundays.
5. We're doing our taxes on the 19th, and then driving to my Mom's place for Chay's birthday. I already asked for that weekend off at both work places, so that's good.
6. I'm hoping to have a barbecue at my parent's place the weekend after that (Easter weekend) to celebrate my birthday. I asked Hubbikins to talk to my parents about it, but he didn't do that yet. When I just got off the phone with my mom, I asked her about it, and she said she'd be fine with hosting my birthday 'party' but that Hubby hasn't mentioned anything to her. I'm unhappy that I had to mention it. I feel egotistical and dirty for arranging my own birthday barbecue, but it doesn't look like it'll get arranged if I don't do it so I'm sucking it up. I want to enjoy my birthday.
7. I've recently realized that if I only wore what I wanted to at home, I'd dress like a slut all the time. Tube tops, slinky dresses, fishnet stockings, flowy dresses and high heels amuse me and make me feel rather free. Not free like sensual, just free to be me. I try to keep those clothing choices to a minimum though because I feel like it could set a bad precedent for MJ. I'm not doing it to dress sexy, I just like how they don't feel restrictive.
8. I tried to arrange to go to the doctor, but it didn't work out. I needed an insurance card, and we won't have that for another week or two, and I'm working every day for the next two weeks after today. It sucks. I'm not as nauseous as I have been for the last few weeks (I think I accidentally poisoned myself), but I still feel like I'm a little sick, and I need a check-up. I haven't had one since before we moved in July.
9. I've been thinking about moving to a new location. Mainly because I still want a house, and I want Hubby to be able to get to work with or without a car without any issues. Right now I've been driving him to a bus stop and he takes two buses to get to work but it takes him about an hour to get to work every day. I don't mind driving, but if I drive him straight to work, I inevitably hit two or three traffic jams on my way to work, which is in the opposite direction. Basically, my job is fifteen minutes east, and his is about fifteen to twenty minutes west. It makes for a lot of driving.
10. I'm getting desperate to read something good. I've tried to satisfy myself with fanfiction, and some of it is satisfying enough that it settles my urge a little, but.... I need more. I have books to read, but I have a nasty habit of not being able to sleep if I haven't finished the book, and I don't have enough time to sit around reading a book or more in one day.
11. I put Hubby in charge of teaching MJ to make mexican food yesterday. I've told him how frustrating it is, and he's kind of been ....less than supportive about the difficulty of it. Guess what his ass did? He ended up making it himself! I was like 'You just entirely defeated the purpose of the exercise, and you let her win by letting her think that if she whines enough, she'll get out of cooking!' I'm so frustrated by that. Next week is going to be hellish because of his decision to do it himself. He said she couldn't do it, but I've had her make the meat before, I've had her make rice before, and the beans just needed to be heated up, and I started that for her! She knew how to make ALL OF IT. I've ALREADY TAUGHT HER. She basically PLAYED him, and he made it out like 'Well that's too hard for her.' Uh, no. She knows how. She just didn't want to because she didn't get to choose what she was making.
12. I basically decided that if she doesn't tell me what she's making by Sunday, I'll be choosing her meal to make. I've been wanting spicy food, so I went for mexican this time. She's been pretty set on making frozen food for her dinners lately, and to me, that's not really cooking. That's grab and ping (Ping being the microwave timer going off saying when to take something out). Don't get me wrong, Grab and Ping has it's uses and there's times that it is MUCH better to go for ready made. I actually prefer ready made mashed potatoes to real mashed potatoes because of the heat, the steam, the danger, and truthfully, instant tastes a little better.
13. My mom just got off her liver medicine on Sunday. She's doing really well. Something about her Hepatitus being cured or put into stasis or something. She doles out the information piecemeal so I don't understand it all. I'm just glad she's done with it. She's gonna have foot surgery next month, she says. Then after that, she may have hip surgery. I'm not sure. She wants to get 'fixed' so she can do more. It's her choice, I just wish Papa took better care of her when she's sick/healing.
I'm sure there's other stuff I haven't shared, but I can't think of much. I hope this gave you all a little insight into what's been going on lately. Thanks for reading!
I like this song:
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Hisashiburi!
So I've noticed lately that my Japanese is gettin really rusty. I reach for words and can't recall them. I think I should fix this, but without someone to practice with, I lose motivation. :( It sucks.
Also, sorry I haven't posted in so long. I think about posting fairly often, but it never happens because I'm brain-dead by the time I get home from work. Speaking of work, there have been some changes in the past month that seriously made me consider leaving. I'm still considering it, but I'm not as serious about it because, as hubby says, I have a strong chance of promotion. And I told myself I would commit three years to this company if possible when I first got hired. I don't want to give up, you know?
So the changes: We hired a lot of people, and we had at least three new hires join our team....only to quit that same day. We had an ice day, and my supervisor didn't make it in, after a half a week of being too sick to come in. The owners chewed her out via email, and she chose to resign rather than deal with their accusations. So I lost my team lead. That same week, I lost the other two team members that had as much experience as I did. And then it was down to me and the new girl that was being trained on FB with me. I commenced to finish up her training. She's still slow, but that just takes experience to increase. It's just been me and her dealing with all of my client's issues (and boy do they have issues), and I basically stepped up into the team lead role, and they didn't say anything against it. *Shrug* My mom keeps clamoring for me to demand a pay increase, but I feel like those should be offered, not demanded. I don't feel that I'm underpaid yet. Once I begin to feel that way, I may mention it to the owners, but until then, I'm good. I'll probably demand it during Grass Season, when we're expected to get upwards of 40 work orders cleared and submitted a day. Until then, I'm fairly content.
I'm nervous about tomorrow, because I'll be giving a massage for the first time since we've moved back. Its completely a relaxation massage, low on pressure, high on technique, but I'm nervous because the person I'll be massaging has never had one before, and we're trying to barter with each other. I'm nervous, but I can do it! I want to be able to barter for services! This is the first step!
Lately I've been feeling sick in the mornings. I don't get hungry immediately like I used to, and no matter what I eat (believe me, I've tried several different things) it all ends up upsetting my stomach and sends me running for the bathroom at work. It's very annoying. I figure if I'm gonna end up sick regardless (as it appears I will), I may as well eat what I want to. And no, I don't think I'm pregnant. I think it's because I accidentally poisoned myself with Peptobismal Tablets last week. :S Did you know that if you take too many, you're supposed to call poison control? I took three because two never seems to be effective for my heartburn, It turns out it seriously messes with your digestion if you take too many, which makes sense because it lowers your acidic content in your stomach, which sends food that hasn't been chemically broken down into your bowels, which aren't prepared to take them in that state, so not much is absorbed, and it just ends up getting pushed out sooner. If you know what I mean. Like I said, not pleasant.
So beyond that, I did a lot of little things for my Mom for her birthday, and it worked up to her bragging about it to my siblings in front of me, and I hated that. I didn't say anything to mom because it's her birthday and I didn't want to scold her on that day. It made me regret being so generous. My brother is mentally about 10 years old. He's likely to pick her a flower, or give her a gift from his own collection of toys, but not to take her out and buy her whatever she wants. My sisters don't have enough money to pay rent, let alone actually blow money on their mom. To rub the fact that I'm 'thoughtful' enough and 'well off enough' to do that is just crass.
My sister's getting impatient to talk to MJ. I wouldn't mind, but MJ is grounded for the next month for mouthing off to her teachers and us because we didn't pay enough attention to her. Not to mention, my policy has been to call Cin when MJ asks to speak to her, and not otherwise, because it leaves MJ unsettled and unhappy to talk to her mom otherwise. *sigh* I'll have to initiate it tomorrow for MJ because Cin is supposed to meet the other kids tomorrow.
I know there's been a lot of things that have happened recently, but I dont feel particularly open to sharing right now.... One thing is that Hubby is sending me massage jobs in the area near his new work place fairly regularly, and I'm a little unsettled. I'm unsure if he just wants me to have that option open to me, or if he genuinely wants me to leave this job, or if he just wants me to take on a second job in addition to this one. It'd be nice to have that cleared up.
So how was everyone's Valentine's Days? Hubby and I dropped off the littlin at my mom's place, went on a date to see DeadPool (AWESOME movie, btw), and basically got laze around for a weekend. It's nice to be able to lay in bed all day. I should know. I did that today. Hubby got me dark chocolate covered cherries and flowers, and my gift was to not get him anything. This sounds weird, I'm sure, but I spent a lot of money on gifts for him over Christmas and his Birthday a few weeks before, so I think he appreciated not worrying about my denting our account further.
Yeah, I'm done for now. Thanks for listening!
Also, sorry I haven't posted in so long. I think about posting fairly often, but it never happens because I'm brain-dead by the time I get home from work. Speaking of work, there have been some changes in the past month that seriously made me consider leaving. I'm still considering it, but I'm not as serious about it because, as hubby says, I have a strong chance of promotion. And I told myself I would commit three years to this company if possible when I first got hired. I don't want to give up, you know?
So the changes: We hired a lot of people, and we had at least three new hires join our team....only to quit that same day. We had an ice day, and my supervisor didn't make it in, after a half a week of being too sick to come in. The owners chewed her out via email, and she chose to resign rather than deal with their accusations. So I lost my team lead. That same week, I lost the other two team members that had as much experience as I did. And then it was down to me and the new girl that was being trained on FB with me. I commenced to finish up her training. She's still slow, but that just takes experience to increase. It's just been me and her dealing with all of my client's issues (and boy do they have issues), and I basically stepped up into the team lead role, and they didn't say anything against it. *Shrug* My mom keeps clamoring for me to demand a pay increase, but I feel like those should be offered, not demanded. I don't feel that I'm underpaid yet. Once I begin to feel that way, I may mention it to the owners, but until then, I'm good. I'll probably demand it during Grass Season, when we're expected to get upwards of 40 work orders cleared and submitted a day. Until then, I'm fairly content.
I'm nervous about tomorrow, because I'll be giving a massage for the first time since we've moved back. Its completely a relaxation massage, low on pressure, high on technique, but I'm nervous because the person I'll be massaging has never had one before, and we're trying to barter with each other. I'm nervous, but I can do it! I want to be able to barter for services! This is the first step!
Lately I've been feeling sick in the mornings. I don't get hungry immediately like I used to, and no matter what I eat (believe me, I've tried several different things) it all ends up upsetting my stomach and sends me running for the bathroom at work. It's very annoying. I figure if I'm gonna end up sick regardless (as it appears I will), I may as well eat what I want to. And no, I don't think I'm pregnant. I think it's because I accidentally poisoned myself with Peptobismal Tablets last week. :S Did you know that if you take too many, you're supposed to call poison control? I took three because two never seems to be effective for my heartburn, It turns out it seriously messes with your digestion if you take too many, which makes sense because it lowers your acidic content in your stomach, which sends food that hasn't been chemically broken down into your bowels, which aren't prepared to take them in that state, so not much is absorbed, and it just ends up getting pushed out sooner. If you know what I mean. Like I said, not pleasant.
So beyond that, I did a lot of little things for my Mom for her birthday, and it worked up to her bragging about it to my siblings in front of me, and I hated that. I didn't say anything to mom because it's her birthday and I didn't want to scold her on that day. It made me regret being so generous. My brother is mentally about 10 years old. He's likely to pick her a flower, or give her a gift from his own collection of toys, but not to take her out and buy her whatever she wants. My sisters don't have enough money to pay rent, let alone actually blow money on their mom. To rub the fact that I'm 'thoughtful' enough and 'well off enough' to do that is just crass.
My sister's getting impatient to talk to MJ. I wouldn't mind, but MJ is grounded for the next month for mouthing off to her teachers and us because we didn't pay enough attention to her. Not to mention, my policy has been to call Cin when MJ asks to speak to her, and not otherwise, because it leaves MJ unsettled and unhappy to talk to her mom otherwise. *sigh* I'll have to initiate it tomorrow for MJ because Cin is supposed to meet the other kids tomorrow.
I know there's been a lot of things that have happened recently, but I dont feel particularly open to sharing right now.... One thing is that Hubby is sending me massage jobs in the area near his new work place fairly regularly, and I'm a little unsettled. I'm unsure if he just wants me to have that option open to me, or if he genuinely wants me to leave this job, or if he just wants me to take on a second job in addition to this one. It'd be nice to have that cleared up.
So how was everyone's Valentine's Days? Hubby and I dropped off the littlin at my mom's place, went on a date to see DeadPool (AWESOME movie, btw), and basically got laze around for a weekend. It's nice to be able to lay in bed all day. I should know. I did that today. Hubby got me dark chocolate covered cherries and flowers, and my gift was to not get him anything. This sounds weird, I'm sure, but I spent a lot of money on gifts for him over Christmas and his Birthday a few weeks before, so I think he appreciated not worrying about my denting our account further.
Yeah, I'm done for now. Thanks for listening!
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