Selfishness

To warn you, I am only going to type this for as long as my hot cocoa mood lasts. Which reminds me, I have FIVE BOXES of Hot Cocoa. How? Why? Apparently my entire family believes I love hot cocoa (they're not wrong) and so constantly keep me in supply. It's yummy. I really like the double fudge one. It's not as sweet as the milk chocolate so I like it more.

I wonder how Rozy's interest meeting went....2 a.m. is too late to call tonight, isn't it? I have to remember to call tomorrow and see how it went. ^_^ I hope it was awesome.

So, to the topic for tonight. Selfishness. I just read a manga in which the female lead was a selfish and unable to fend for herself girl that was in love with her servant. He loved her as well and found her selfishness endearing. Then another guy enters into the equation, and while he originally intended to break off their engagement, her selfishness amused him and he grew to love her for it. I don't really understand this. I thought selfishness was one of the worst and most hated qualities in a person. I'm only selfish with a very few number of people. My family, when they can afford it, because they HAVE to love me. (Yes, I realize my family doesn't HAVE to love me, they could hate me and get away with it, but it's not in our value system to actually hate each other without some bloodshed involved.) My bf I can be selfish with because....well....*tilts head* At first it was kind of testing, to see how much of me he could stand. Now it's just...well, I'm selfish, but not terribly so, and he doesn't mind, so what else should I do but be myself, right? But I can't understand why the girl whose key feature is her selfishness has earned love with only those things. Oh well. Cocoa is done. Beddy bye time!

Okay....I'm a bitch.

First, I will be a good girl and respond to rozy first.

GOOD LUCK!!!! You can do it! You're amazing! I'm rooting for you! I miss you! You can do anything! Get plenty of rest and look into taking some vitamins to supplement your meals so you can have more energy. I've heard females have iron problems. You should have a nutritionist at your school that can advise you. Go Rozy! You can do it!

Second, I'm a bitch....=.= Because things didn't go as I'd thought they would, I got unreasonably angry and upset and sad and disappointed. I didn't wanna take it out on anyone, but bf didn't leave when I gave him the out....and so then I managed to hold on by doing work, but then he blogged....*cries*....I felt bad, but I refused to just take the out he kindly offered me. I decided to admit that I'd given him the cold shoulder, but my pissy bitch side reared it's ugly head and tacked on info he and no one else needed to know. I was just being spoiled and having a fit that things didn't go my way. *cries* I'm so horrible....And I'm sorry. I was mean and unreasonable and selfish and a lot of other bad things. I think this is one of those times when my apology is NOT superfluous. Sorry Dear...and I'll apologize if I get to see you tomorrow, as well. But I couldn't go to sleep with these thoughts on my mind. (Proven by the current 3 am)

Maybe in a later post I'll explain that 'weird random burst' but for now, I'm going to sleep.

Pretty sure I've posted this before, but:

Hm...Love=Sex.....why do so many people mistake one for the other?

This Earl of Rochester is a poor poor man. What fool believes that a woman only opens her legs out of love? I guess the same fool that believes a man cannot be convinced to have sex with a woman he does not love. *frown* Both sexes are fools. I mean really. Sex feels good, when done right. For that reason alone, if a husband doesn't visit his wife enough to satisfy her, of course she'll look for better lovers. And if a husband feels visiting his wife is a duty, he will no doubt feel it a burden and seek others to satisfy himself. It is a matter of attitude. *shakes head* This era was so very pitiable. I'm really enjoying the play "The Country Wife" though. I end up gaping at it. Sitting there thinking "WTF? Can they PRINT this stuff? Isn't it...illegal or something? Did s/he just SAY that? REALLY?!" (0o0) And that is generally how my thoughts (and face) goes when reading this.

ROZY!!!! I hope your free time gets better. At least you can get your homework done?

Bf, your birthday is coming up soon! I have to scramble to be able to spend time with you, it seems.

Pineapples! Update darn you!

Wow....I just got a whiff of a really stinky person, but there's no persons here. *blinks* Maybe it was the scruffy-looking male that came by? But the closest he passed me by was at least ten feet. *frown* I don't think my sense of smell is THAT good. That's so strange! It isn't me, I discreetly sniffed. *Holds nose in air* And there's nothing wrong with making sure you don't smell bad! Okay, I'm done. Sorry, it's a rather random update, but I felt I should do this regularly or it won't be any good. ^_^ Love ya'll.

Random vid:

The key to my personality: I'm CONTRARY!

That was my epiphany of the day. If you want me to be nice, I'm gonna be mean. If you want me mean, I'm gonna be sweet. If you expect a fight, I'll refuse. If you expect compliance, I'll argue. I'm the ultimate Devil's Advocate! I don't know if I should try to change this about myself. It seems to be a core part of me. In many ways it helps me, and in other ways, it hinders me something awful. Did any of you know this? Is it an obvious trait about myself? *gapes* I'm surprised I just really noticed it. Maybe I noticed and forgot? I do that a lot. So if I just think that everyone expects me to fail, I'll succeed at everything. Probably. *nods* That's prolly why I did so great in general school. None of the teachers expected anything from us. And at S&M, they expected so much, that I was like *plunk*. *Nods* Yup. I can use that as my excuse. ;) Cause that's what any explanation is, I learned from my 4th grade teacher.

There's this girl, D, that's been challenging lately. I've just asked a mutual friend if I did something. She said that I'm just not D's kinda person. And it's really fun to play with D, so I can't really argue... but I've been a good girl! I've hardly played with her at all. But she's cute. She's all "I'm alpha female! Grrrr!" and I'm sitting there thinking, "Alpha female....riiiiiight.....you're a pup. But I don't wanna be Alpha, so I'm not gonna argue." She's very animalistic, so I adore playing with her, but I don't know if I should assert myself with her and risk making her an enemy, or just leave it and ignore her challenges. *tilts head* Knowing me, I'm gonna end up doing both. In such a way that she's not gonna know what to do with me. I almost feel bad about it, but it's my nature. And she's throwing the challenges. It's my choice how to deal with them. *nods* Yup yup. I've now justified the treatment I will be submitting her to. I won't do anything bad. Just mess with her a little.
The mutual friend says that D can prolly sense that I will play with her and is responding to that. *shrug* She shouldn't be so cute. I haven't hardly done anything. And Ms. Mutual friend confirms that I didn't do anything to cause it, so my response is my choice.

Oh also, thanks to bf, I've watched this video that makes me wanna cry:



Feel free to leave any comments. Sorry it's short, but I'm doing work, and procrastinating as much as possible.

There's a pretty sunrise that I can't see. At least I know its there, right?

I'm happy for Rozy. I'm glad her first week of classes have gone well. If you'll make movies, I'll watch 'em, k?
I wonder how Pineapples is, but we can really only wait for her to tell us, right? ^_^

Hmmmm....My classes.... I'm scared of my Psych class. We asked questions, right? So she emails us with an extra reading assignment because we're 'such a smart class'. I am soooooo scared!
My History class actually seems pretty cool. Like, I'm actually looking forward to it, because it's discussion based, and we go in chronological order, we get to pick our papers, and we only meet once a week.
My Japanese class...is going to be a LOT of work. There's so many kanji and vocabulary and grammar that's being thrust on us, I will literally have to study daily. But I'm looking forward to it.
My companion animals class, IS AMAZING! NO HOMEWORK! NO PAPERS! AND you can bring your PETS TO CLASS!!! Kya~n!
My Japanese literature class is also pretty amazing. I have a map assignment due this week, but It's not a problem. Tracing a map is my problem. *pout* I already have the map.
My English literature class is unique. The teacher is dramatic. Has interesting tastes. Knows her subject material. Other things. Yeah.... my group-mates seem reliable-esque. Actually, the only guy, did the homework. Two of the girls seemed to have tried to read it, and then gave up, and I'm not sure about the other girl. But I don't want them to ruin this class for me, so I'll try to motivate them to work better on their work. I just hope I get my book in before class so I can actually do the homework!
And those are all of my classes. I couldn't get into a PE class this semester, but I'm thinking about this walking to run class that I was told about recently. I really wanna do it, but I don't know if I can force myself to get up and go walking or running. I am just too lazy. Hmmm...makes me think I should definitely do it. I didn't used to be this lazy. And my gut is beginning to increase in size rather alarmingly. *frown*
Bf got me listening to Panic! At the Disco's music recently. I really like a few of their songs. And their music videos are interesting. I'll put up two of them here.

I like this one in its entirety. I like the lyrics, though they are repetitive. And I really like the video. It's just kinda cool.


I like this one's lyrics. The video is confusing and interesting. *shrug* There's a lot of speculation about the meaning of the fish tanks and fishes, but honestly? I think they did it to make ppl ask questions.

Auuuuugh

I still have another hour to kill until BF gets out of class. This sucks. My teacher let us out at 5....when we're s'posed to get out at 7. Not that I'm not appreciative. I'm just bored waiting for time to pass. Before you say I should do homework, I've done all that I can with what I've brought with me. So very sad. I shoulda brought more work. Never thought I'd say that.....

I slept so good last night that I'm sore from it. Auuuugh. My classes look like they're gonna be tough. But I also feel like I can handle most of them. Now that I've been to my psych class, I've decided I can probably handle it. And if not, well, I'll give that one up before any of my others. My Brit Lit teach seems to have a wicked sense of humor if these poems are her preference. Otherwise, she's loud, dramatic, gestures widely quite a bit, and just generally scares me. I better pick a great seat tomorrow so I don't have an problems. I'm thinking a seat on the peripheral is a good idea. But not next to the window. I'll end up distracted. The people do not look happy to be there either. There's only one class I haven't gone to yet. My history class. That thing will make me or break me. The reading assignments don't seem too bad, but the books cost a pretty penny!
In fact, I hardly have any of the books. I really need to look into the library's catalogs and see if they have these books, and if I can just borrow them.
Winter makes my eyes irritated. I cry every day because its too cold for me not to. *sigh* Life is hard sometimes.

Hmmm...There's not much I can say at this point. This workload just makes me grin, if only so I may bear it better. Bf better not go and get dinner before calling me....I'll hurt him if he does. Ahhhh....now I don't know what to do. Yargh. If in doubt, watch anime. Bye byes~!

Full Metal Panic. Gotta love it.

Phew. Event-filled days....

Heheh. ^//^
So, just as a warning to all: Do NOT call me before noon unless you know for ABSOLUTE certain that I am already supposed to be up, or I have ASKED you to. Specifically. To call that damned early. Specifically. Hell yes, I am pissed. My sis calls me this morning. Why?: Because I should be prepared for anything. Now, this wouldn't be so awful, except, her stupid f-ing b-ing moaning a** has done this multiple times over the last three weeks. She wouldn't say why she'd called, and I eventually got so pissed that I told her "Fuck you!" in front of my mom and Ninny. She then ran and told Papa, while my mom and Ninny gaped at me. Well, I'd kinda expected Papa to ... you know,... care? Their convo went something like this:
Sis: Papa! Runa just used profanity towards me!
Papa: She did, did she?
Sis: Yes! She said F You to me!
Papa: *laughs* She prolly learned it from you.
First, she's 27 yrs old. I'm 19.
Second, he's right, if she didn't teach it to me, he or momma did. *shrug*
Third, I'm kiiiinda impressed she knew the word 'profanity' in the first place.....

Yeah. I expected more from that.....*shrug* but I'm happy I didn't get in trouble.
I went ot the bookstore today and got a santa plushie for $1.67. A huge one. Since NO ONE got me a plushie. *POUTPOUTPOUT* I also finally got to hang out with Kikyo and go by the library, pay my dues, and check out around 20 new books. I HAVE to remember to call in my books to be renewed this time. 0_0;;;;

I came home to an empty house...except for Papa. It's a little awkward since he'd given me the money I'd asked for earlier today. Super thankful, but still a little bit upset I didn't finance well enough. Huh....looking at these figures....I can pay poor Papa back pretty soon! Omgosh....that would be amazing. If I could....I just have to be stingy with my money! I can....try....to do that.... *grimace* I'm just not good at it.

Hmmmm....there's a growing list of differences between me and TJ. We're discovering them. It's....enlightening. And a little depressing. It seemed like a constant that we'd always be so similar, and now I'm realizing we're fundamentally different in a lot more ways than I'd realized. *sigh*

I miss my love...I didn't hear from him at all today. I actually lifted the phone multiple times today to call, and then felt silly and put it down. All I had to say was "I love you" and it was a bit silly to do that when I was in the middle of other things and didn't know if he was busy. =/////= Love is wearying. I've made great progress on Valentines and birthday for him though~! ^///^

And of course, I forgot to post this. :P My bad.



Quote of the Day: Do you combat serious combined homocidal and suicidal tendencies towards the public in general without any true provocation beyond existence? (Feel free to answer)

Hnnnn

So, irony has struck. First, I GOT TO PLAY WITH ROZY! I was super nervous and didn't really know what to say, and we had a lot of awkward moments and I didn't know how to make them better but I was still really happy to be able to see her and talk with her a bit. >.< Her momma is so nice, I honestly don't know how to respond half the time. lol. I guess I should relax and act how I wanna, but its easier said than done. ;-;

We went to the bookstore together (yes, I know. I'm a sad, sad, addict) and when wandering a bit, came upon two certain novels that caught our attention. One was Pride and Prejudice. The other was Wuthering Heights. We looked at them, she bought one, I recommended the other, and we discussed them just a little. I was checking my booklist for this semester, and ironically, the two books I was JUST thinking I didn't want, are on my required list. *cries* I don't waaaaaaannnnaaaaaa!

It's five a.m. and I'm still not asleep, though I'm tired and feel awful. Today is officially my nephew's birthday. ^_^ I have his present. I think I'll try to buy him a minicake so that he'll have one today from me, even though everyone is celebrating on Saturday, when I won't be here. I have a huge list of things to do. *sigh* I need SLEEP!

Whenever I hear that song by Black Eyed Peas, the "Tonights gonna be a good night" song, I think of TJ. I guess cause I heard it for the first time when I went to my first club with him. *shrug* The video collegekid has the link for was interesting. I didn't understand all the lyrics, but oh well.

I want quality time with Momma before I leave, cause I don't think I'll be back for a while, but at the same time, it seems like she just honestly doesn't care. She mentioned finding some money for her and me to go out one day this week before I go back, but that was days ago, and she never said anything else. Whenever I go to talk to her, I feel like I'm bothering her because she's either watching TV, a movie, or playing her games. I really can't think of a time she's not already doing something else. But I also want to mention, it hurt that she thought she needed money to have time with me. I can't seem to say it right. But I'm sick of money having such a huge impact on my life. My time only costs money if you're my employer damn it! I would love to just sit down with someone, play with their hair or vise versa, and talk about anything that comes to mind. Why is that so hard to accomplish? Why do we need high tech stuff to amuse us? Why not just talk and touch, and bond for a bit? It frustrates me. But I can't find it in myself to say these things out loud, cause even I know they're hopelessly naive. On that dreary note, I'm going to find a video and go to bed. Love ya'll.

BTW, my resolution for this year? To not eat after brushing my teeth at night. Which I'm about to break.


Picked it on a whim

This is my 223rd post. I feel impressive.

So, I have figured that if pineapples can post two lines and be done with it, I can just go with the flow and try to update. I can't promise to hit all the points of interest, but I'll hit the ones I think of.

YAY for seeing old freinds, and making new ones! Saturday was awesome, and I was happy to meet Lil Biddy. ^_^
My days and nights have completely switched.
Sunday, I slept for 17.5 hours. Yes. I did.
I wanna meet up with Rozy!!!! But I'm kinda scared to call....*frown*
My finances are in a HOOOOORRRRRIIIIIBBBBLLLLLEEEEE state!!! >.< I might have to cut a deal with Papa, and I really reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally don't wanna do that.
Chay has been loving lately.
I threatened my cousin's virtue to get her up today. *smirk*
I was petty towards my kitty cause she scratched me pretty badly, so I wanted nothing to do with her. I have since changed my mind and made up with her.
I have sooooo many books.....and I've now read over half of them.
I'm so sad that the next Vampire Academy book doesn't come out til May, but I'll prolly preorder that sucker. It's sooooo good. The girl works out her mental bond with her best freind that she will be protecting for the rest of her life, only to find that she's falling in love with the other protector AND her freind is being targeted. She and he get out of the lust spell just before its too late, find the best freind after being tortured just enough to forcibly heal her adopted uncle, and work out that the best freind should follow her heart and be with the guy that is socially unacceptable. In the NEXT books, the guardians are still fighting their attraction, but just as they give in, they figure out ways to make their relationship work until they have to fight the bad vampires, then the guardian male is taken, changed into a bad vampire, and she drops out of high school to kill the guy that is her soul mate. In the next book, (most recent one) she finds tons of bad vamps, kills them in her quest to find her ex-lover, finds his family instead, has to inform them of his demise because no one else bothered to, then sets off with other rogue vampire hunters to find hers. In the end, he finds her, she hesitates to kill him because she is drinking in his features like a parched idiot, so he hits her and takes her with him to his 'home' with other vamps. She then attempts to fight until it's obvious that it's not gonna do anything, he eventually bites her, making her addicted to the endorphins in his bite. She turns rather weak and stays in this perpetual high, and all the while he tries to convince her that she should become a bad vampire too. While he's trying to convince her to change, she's trying to convince herself that he's the same man, and in the end, it comes down to one question. "Why? Why do you want me to join you?" And his poor, poor answer that earns a stake (that doesn't kill him) in the heart: "Because I want you." She decides she's not a possession. Then she tries to escape. As she's escaping, she runs into the big hancho vampire and while they're fighting, her old lover comes and fights *GET THIS* NOT HER but the big hancho! He silently entreats her to help him kill the big fish, to which she answers, and three of the other vamps living there show up. She leaves him to die, jumps out a window, and tries to escape out the maze. The old lover SURVIVES and kills the other three, then comes after her. She climbs a tree, jumps his ass, misses the heart again, runs away, falls down a bank, uses ghosts to slow him down, climbs back up the bank, goes onto the bridge, and decides dying is better than being turned into a bad vamp. Before she jumps, she asks him once more why he wants her to be a vampire like him. And his idiocy resurfaces, he says she would make a great ally. She lets go, jumping off the bridge, but keeps the silver stake in her hand (silver one that can kill him) in case he tries to save her, which he manages to do, they basically switch positions, and right before she stabs him, she tells him "I will always love you". His face lights up and his last words are "That was what I was supposed to say..." Then his face goes slack and he falls into the river. She survives, gets home, and gets a letter in the mail right after telling a guy that she'll consider dating him if he writes her a good list on why he would be a good suitor. The letter is the stake she stabbed him with, and a note basically telling her she should have been more careful where she stabbed. That he'll see her soon and he ends it with "Love, D." I'm curious about the love part, since I'm wondering if that's just the normal way to end his card, or if he realizes it's because he loves her that he wants her so badly.

PHEW! Sorry, that series....I ruined the love special part, but I honestly kept all the other surprises and twists and turns out of it. So I really recommend it.
I'm hungry...but I don't think dinner is ready and I don't wanna get sick from not eating and end up unable to eat dinner. life is hard.

So, one last thing that I've been wondering lately. It was my facebook status, but no one answered me. Everyone agrees I'm mean, but does that mean I'm a bitch?