on Thanksgiving. After we came home from my family. I have three theories as to why, and I believe that none are the sole reason, but all contributed:
1. We had that Bottle of Rum for THREE YEARS without touching it. THREE YEARS. It was time to go.
2. My family pissed me off. They always do, it's par for the course now. My mother called 'Modern Family' a gay ass show.
3. Maybe I was subconsciously fighting against getting my period by getting as dehydrated as possible. It's a distinct possibility.
And booooy did I get dehydrated. In layman's terms, I had a hangover from hell. I had to call my sister and ask if it wasn't alcohol poisoning. I had a fever and nausea for three days afterward and easily got headaches. I threw up multiple times (the next day). I remember most of the night but refuse to admit some things happened. And I am so proud that I had the discression to only have Hubby as my witness. Though I accidentally spilled the beans on some things I bought that night. And apparently bought some things I didn't know about.......
The experience of getting drunk, for me: It was like super tiny millisecond time jumps where things easily disorient you because they aren't where they were before. And most thoughts just pop right out, and everything is funny except that your body is super heavy, and it doesn't always listen to you. And concentration is just right out the window. I completely understand how people that get drunk crash often, and I also think people are idiots if they're having millisecond black-outs and still think they're good to drive.
To be fair, I drank 1/2 of a Bottle (I think it was a Liter bottle) of 35% Alcoholic Rum. It tasted like candy, burned like whiskey. I am neeeeever getting drunk again. I threw up chocolate from that night the next morning. Twice. I drank so much alcohol that my body wasn't able to digest the chocolate while I slept!!!!
I woke up the Little One, and apparently couldn't stop talking, and Hubby finally resorted to saying over and over 'It's alright. Can we just go to sleep?' until I got annoyed at him not responding properly and stopped talking to him. I think he dressed me because after the shower I was too woozy and I didn't care enough to put clothes on.
So yeah, never getting drunk again, though it's easy enough to dull the memory until you think you're not really that awful when you're drunk. I think if it ever happens again, Hubby will record me, so that's a major reason to NOT, if I need another reason. Goodness knows my family could drive me to it so easily.
Anyone else wanna chime in on what getting drunk feels like? That was the first and only time for me. Let me know in the comments below!
I feel like the person he's talking/questioning in this song pretty often.....
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Monday, November 23, 2015
My new job
So I've had a job since 10/21/2015 but I was really leery of getting fired soon after getting it, like what happened with my last office job, so I've held off on saying anything about it. It's an 'Asset Preservation Assistant', and basically I'm helping keep homes that get foreclosed on to stay in good shape until they can get sold. We're given work by banks and people representing the banks, and then we take that work and find a crew that can do what needs doing in a time frame that the client will accept. Sometimes we go over the allowed time, and sometimes we get it done early. It really just depends on location and crew.
I feel like I'm basically a maintenance dispatcher, if that makes sense. And interestingly, I really like my job. I like talking with the crews, and making nice with our clients. I like finding work for crews that need it and editing their photos to be what our client asked for. I even moderately like my coworkers.
My problems are generally when management step in. There's been many a case where I got lectured for something I didn't do, or something that I originally did right, and then they changed what they wanted me doing and now it was 'wrong' until they look closer and decide, oh no, do it again the way you originally did it. That's rather frustrating. Also frustrating is that we're STILL cleaning up the mess of trying to give some work to an Indian Company, and they were shit at it. We nearly lost my client over it, and we DID have a knock-down fight via email where we refused to work with a client representative anymore because of all the miscommunication.
Often I feel like I'm not speaking the right language because they don't understand what I'm trying to say has happened, or is going on. I think I'm perfectly clear most of the time, but then there's issues of clarity, or me writing notes that are too long, of me not explaining enough, etc. Some of this is because I'm too eloquent, don't have the right vocabulary or I take too long getting to the point. Other times I'm told I'm too direct like 'Gimme what I want' instead of 'This is what we need, can you provide it please'.
These things are all true. I do like to write long paragraphs detailing the intricate situation. I also like to be short and sweet with my emails, when I can. It does come across as callous, and I am working on all of these things. Sometimes they catch me out doing something wrong. Most often, I was taught wrong, or wasn't taught at all and had to feel my way because my supervisor is the most popular lady in the office, it feels like.
I'm not afraid to admit when I do something wrong, like when I invoiced for less than we actually charge earlier today. My excuse in this case was: It wasn't written what we charge the client, I asked two supervisors, waited ten minutes, got no responses, so I went ahead with what I found as a viable price. I was wrong by $5. I regret not waiting longer, especially since my supervisor got back to me literally the second after I pressed Submit.
So I started training on one client, then they pulled me off of it and gave me another client. Then just when I started to get used to that client, they gave me this brand new one, and said 'Here, use the outsourcing to India to help you get the 100+ work orders you have for this client taken care of.' That was SUCH a bad idea. THEN, as soon as I had half a handle on this client, they gave me ANOTHER one on TOP of this one. And my supervisor isn't nearly as helpful as I could wish. Or as accessible. She has pulled me aside and told me to come to her with EVERY question I have, because I can't be asking other people that might give you the wrong answer. Yet often she's missing from the office, too busy to listen, or never gets back to me. It's a work in progress, we'll say.
The reason I was worried I would get fired quickly is two-fold. First, I have a bit of trauma from being fired after two weeks with no other comment besides 'you aren't a good fit'. Second, I wasn't their first choice at all. By that, I mean I was told I would hear back from them on Friday if I got the job, and I didn't hear back until the next Wednesday, asking if I would like the job, and have training the next morning. I missed 3 days of training, so I think it's pretty clear that someone didn't work out. The next week or maybe the week after that, one of the ladies that got the job 'on time' and had all the training offered,...... well, she couldn't kick it. She was stressed out, she couldn't remember how to make a daily task (I have no issues with it), and she made so many mistakes that it took weeks to clean up after her. One morning she came in, couldn't get the daily task uploaded, freaked out, went to the supervisor, and came back to pack her stuff. She said she felt relieved, and then she left. ......And then they dumped her client on me.
Yes, yes they did. I hardly knew the client, and they dumped it on me. I scrambled for two weeks to understand the client, and finally got things going smoothly last week, until the whole blow-up with miscommunication I mentioned earlier. It was not fun. So anyway, they promised me another new person for my team, and they did hire someone. But not for my team. My team is my supervisor....and me. That's it. The person they hired? That's for a position as Team Trainer. He's giving us 'homework' and shares my office. Apparently he worked for them for three years, and just now came back as the Trainer for them. It annoys me that I have to write a 'report' for him and take 'tests' for him. I wouldn't mind, but they just dumped another client on me, and they're depending on me to help with a third client as well, so I'm already swamped.
I like being useful though. And I like having someone in the office, though I feel kinda embarrassed and constricted because I like to play music while I work, but it's usually techno or rock or something and I don't think I project that image at all to my co-workers.
On a new note: It's been GREAT for my sleeping. I am *always* tired nowadays, and my insomnia is nearly gone. I get so tired I get dizzy though. And I'm sleeping about 8 hours a night. So it's impressive that it tires me out that much. At first it gave me headaches and made my butt hurt a lot, but I did get used to that stuff really quickly, like they said I would. I also had to take a 15 minute break, and only took about 5 minutes to eat, so I started walking up and down some stairs outside to work out the kinks in my legs during my lunch. But now I use my break to take Hubby to work and come back with the car because his new location is like 5-10 minutes from my job. I felt really bad dropping him off 6+ hours early for work, so I was relieved when this became the new norm.
Aaaaand it's nearing my bedtime and I still need a shower, so I'm going to sign off. Good night!
I feel like I'm basically a maintenance dispatcher, if that makes sense. And interestingly, I really like my job. I like talking with the crews, and making nice with our clients. I like finding work for crews that need it and editing their photos to be what our client asked for. I even moderately like my coworkers.
My problems are generally when management step in. There's been many a case where I got lectured for something I didn't do, or something that I originally did right, and then they changed what they wanted me doing and now it was 'wrong' until they look closer and decide, oh no, do it again the way you originally did it. That's rather frustrating. Also frustrating is that we're STILL cleaning up the mess of trying to give some work to an Indian Company, and they were shit at it. We nearly lost my client over it, and we DID have a knock-down fight via email where we refused to work with a client representative anymore because of all the miscommunication.
Often I feel like I'm not speaking the right language because they don't understand what I'm trying to say has happened, or is going on. I think I'm perfectly clear most of the time, but then there's issues of clarity, or me writing notes that are too long, of me not explaining enough, etc. Some of this is because I'm too eloquent, don't have the right vocabulary or I take too long getting to the point. Other times I'm told I'm too direct like 'Gimme what I want' instead of 'This is what we need, can you provide it please'.
These things are all true. I do like to write long paragraphs detailing the intricate situation. I also like to be short and sweet with my emails, when I can. It does come across as callous, and I am working on all of these things. Sometimes they catch me out doing something wrong. Most often, I was taught wrong, or wasn't taught at all and had to feel my way because my supervisor is the most popular lady in the office, it feels like.
I'm not afraid to admit when I do something wrong, like when I invoiced for less than we actually charge earlier today. My excuse in this case was: It wasn't written what we charge the client, I asked two supervisors, waited ten minutes, got no responses, so I went ahead with what I found as a viable price. I was wrong by $5. I regret not waiting longer, especially since my supervisor got back to me literally the second after I pressed Submit.
So I started training on one client, then they pulled me off of it and gave me another client. Then just when I started to get used to that client, they gave me this brand new one, and said 'Here, use the outsourcing to India to help you get the 100+ work orders you have for this client taken care of.' That was SUCH a bad idea. THEN, as soon as I had half a handle on this client, they gave me ANOTHER one on TOP of this one. And my supervisor isn't nearly as helpful as I could wish. Or as accessible. She has pulled me aside and told me to come to her with EVERY question I have, because I can't be asking other people that might give you the wrong answer. Yet often she's missing from the office, too busy to listen, or never gets back to me. It's a work in progress, we'll say.
The reason I was worried I would get fired quickly is two-fold. First, I have a bit of trauma from being fired after two weeks with no other comment besides 'you aren't a good fit'. Second, I wasn't their first choice at all. By that, I mean I was told I would hear back from them on Friday if I got the job, and I didn't hear back until the next Wednesday, asking if I would like the job, and have training the next morning. I missed 3 days of training, so I think it's pretty clear that someone didn't work out. The next week or maybe the week after that, one of the ladies that got the job 'on time' and had all the training offered,...... well, she couldn't kick it. She was stressed out, she couldn't remember how to make a daily task (I have no issues with it), and she made so many mistakes that it took weeks to clean up after her. One morning she came in, couldn't get the daily task uploaded, freaked out, went to the supervisor, and came back to pack her stuff. She said she felt relieved, and then she left. ......And then they dumped her client on me.
Yes, yes they did. I hardly knew the client, and they dumped it on me. I scrambled for two weeks to understand the client, and finally got things going smoothly last week, until the whole blow-up with miscommunication I mentioned earlier. It was not fun. So anyway, they promised me another new person for my team, and they did hire someone. But not for my team. My team is my supervisor....and me. That's it. The person they hired? That's for a position as Team Trainer. He's giving us 'homework' and shares my office. Apparently he worked for them for three years, and just now came back as the Trainer for them. It annoys me that I have to write a 'report' for him and take 'tests' for him. I wouldn't mind, but they just dumped another client on me, and they're depending on me to help with a third client as well, so I'm already swamped.
I like being useful though. And I like having someone in the office, though I feel kinda embarrassed and constricted because I like to play music while I work, but it's usually techno or rock or something and I don't think I project that image at all to my co-workers.
On a new note: It's been GREAT for my sleeping. I am *always* tired nowadays, and my insomnia is nearly gone. I get so tired I get dizzy though. And I'm sleeping about 8 hours a night. So it's impressive that it tires me out that much. At first it gave me headaches and made my butt hurt a lot, but I did get used to that stuff really quickly, like they said I would. I also had to take a 15 minute break, and only took about 5 minutes to eat, so I started walking up and down some stairs outside to work out the kinks in my legs during my lunch. But now I use my break to take Hubby to work and come back with the car because his new location is like 5-10 minutes from my job. I felt really bad dropping him off 6+ hours early for work, so I was relieved when this became the new norm.
Aaaaand it's nearing my bedtime and I still need a shower, so I'm going to sign off. Good night!
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Foster/Kinship care difficulties.
Hi All,
I was asked to provide my story for some mom's trying to push a law through the Senate to hold DPS accountable for not following their own laws today. In the end, I decided it would double quite well as a blog post. It's long, it's depressing, and it's all true. Enjoy?
I was asked to provide my story for some mom's trying to push a law through the Senate to hold DPS accountable for not following their own laws today. In the end, I decided it would double quite well as a blog post. It's long, it's depressing, and it's all true. Enjoy?
Heyla,
I was told you need stories of things that have happened with court cases involving foster care, kinship placement, etc. Well, these are mine:
My sister tried to get her kids back for THREE YEARS via the court system in North Carolina, despite the fact that at every meeting, they declared if she didn't do X they would terminate rights and places the children up for adoption. My understanding is that a court case is required to be resolved within a year. This tortuous case was more harmful for my oldest niece, who I now have custody of than it was for her mother, who their were actually prosecuting. I'll get to that in a minute. I am not protesting that they did not return my nieces and nephew to her. I am protesting the constant threats without delivery. My sister tried, but she is an unfit mother. I am frankly insulted however, that the deadbeat FATHER who did NOTHING that court ordered has the SAME visitation and rights as my sister who at least tried, and did everything she could. The sickening thing is that two of the children are with his parents, so he actually gets regular visitation whereas they won't even allow a phone call from my sister to her children.
Now for the foster system: I recognize that my niece is a hellion, first and foremost. She is not easy to handle, and we all know it. She has never however, deserved to be hit by a foster parent. Nor has she deserved to be pitted against a foster sister, and forced to fight each other for the foster parent's amusement. She also assures me that one foster parent tried to stab a hole through her hand because she accidentally hurt the foster mom. I would like to state that all of these were different foster parents. At least 3 of the 12 homes she lived in were unfit for children by my standards. You understand, some families just aren't suited for coexisting. This is possibly the case for a few placements. But in two years, she lived in 12 different homes, and this has left in incredibly horrible experience/trauma in her. She has insecurities I could never have imagined her developing when she was a child, and that was DESPITE her having been molested as a toddler by my sister's boyfriend! The last year of the court case, she lived with me, 9 months after our application to take her, which we applied to do a week after my sister admitted she didn't think she could get her back.
I would have gladly taken my niece from the start if I was able, but I was 22 when she was taken, and still in college. I didn't have a job, I wasn't stable, and my sister was confident she could get her back. After a year and half, she wasn't as confident, I was married, my husband and I were living in Texas, and my husband was reluctant. When she admitted she didn't think she could get her back, and court had refused to give my niece to her maternal grandma because of issues between biomother and grandma, there wasn't any other option. I didn't give my husband a lot of choice, but once he met her, we knew she needed help and she needed us. We went for it. We've had her for well over a year now and she's stabilizing. She's over-sexualized, she believes she's a slut, she had anger outbursts to rival the Hulk, she's careless and infuriating on a regular basis, but it was the relief of our life when court closed her case and gave custody to us. If it wouldn't have severely hurt my sister and niece we would have applied for adoption. We're still considering it, simply to escape my sister hanging a 'You have to let me do this, it's ordered!' over our heads.
It's worth it to have her, but the only assistance we ever had was medicaid. And we don't even have that right now because NC is taking forever to give us coverage for her since we've moved here. We don't even qualify for respite, food stamps, or any other assistance my sister regularly got from the state. In fact, we couldn't claim her on our taxes because we only had her for 5 months last year. That's a LOT of day care we can't get any help paying for.
I'm not sure what points you're trying to push through the Senate right now, but I hope that helps. Thanks for reading to the end.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Our Drama Princess
Hello,
It's been nearly a month since I've blogged, and so much has happened. Halloween, the first real family holiday we had with Mia was shared this year with her mother. I never expected the feelings that invoked within me. It's really hard to explain, but I'll try.
It felt like every sacrifice, every effort, and every bit of what made us her parents got erased, just like that. There were brief moments when it was recalled that 'oh, yeah, we're the ones in charge' but mostly.... It was the Cin and MJ show, and we were just unwitting victims. I say 'we' but I can't vouch for Hubby's feelings in this matter at all. I don't think he took it nearly as hard. His words were 'It's like two MJs, that's all.' When we met with neighbors we'd grown up with, Cin acted like she was still MJ's parent. Like she had any part in the raising of her in the last year. And it infuriated me. Who fought with MJ until she began to understand why what she did was wrong two weeks ago? Sure as hell wasn't Cin. Who bought that damned $40 mask because MJ loved it and wouldn't take it off? Sure as hell wasn't Cin. Who drove for hours to get there so she could have the first family Halloween in years? NOT CIN.
There was a silver lining. MJ recognized all on her own that we're still her parents. She even gave me a look that said 'Okay, I've had fun, but I'm ready for her to go now.' That was a relief. Up until Cin managed to secrete her make-up bag in our trunk and 'forget' it. So we had to go back today, but refused to get out of the car. Hell, I didn't even park. Just had MJ hand it to Cin and let that be the end.
But oh, once we got home..... There was a little while of peace before Hubby returned and asked about my flute. MJ was supposed to find it today if it was at home. My step-up flute, worth over a 1,000 dollars USED. MJ shrugged, acted like it was no big deal that it's most likely gone forever, and then to top it all off, had the gall to tell me it was my fault. ''If you didn't want it lost or destroyed, you never should have given it to me,'' I believe she said. For her to blame me for her carelessness when we'd been planning to let her go to her friend's house for a sleepover this coming weekend was like being slapped.
Since then she's been moping and crying, but still not cleaning her room like I told her to. She even 're-pierced' her ear. I looked at her blankly, told her it was likely to get infected and hurt a lot worse, and why wasn't she cleaning her room? She said she was bored. Now she's in the shower.
Frankly, I don't know how to get her to take me seriously right now. And to be utterly honest here? That comment about my prized flute has literally dimmed my love for her. I still love her, would no matter what, but her disregard for me just..... it's damaged me. I'm seriously giving thought to no longer punishing her, no longer advising her, and no longer helping her. It's what she thinks she wants, and while I know that's not a good way to raise a child, I'm finding it very hard to care about her beyond making sure she isn't dead right about now.
I get the feeling I'm going to be in trouble with everyone once you all read this, but I've always been committed to being as honest as I can. It's not even that I loved my flute more than I do her. It's her attitude about it. Her lack of empathy, of caring. She's been crying for hours, but it isn't for my flute. It's because she knows it's gone, and so are her chances of going to her friend's birthday sleep-over. Though really, I'm reconsidering. I want her gone for a while, and that would be convenient.
I'm sure all children are insensitive little beasts at times, but she's rather consistent in her lack of regard for me and anything I own. I don't know how much longer I can continue to love and care for her as earnestly as I have up til now. I just don't know.
It's been nearly a month since I've blogged, and so much has happened. Halloween, the first real family holiday we had with Mia was shared this year with her mother. I never expected the feelings that invoked within me. It's really hard to explain, but I'll try.
It felt like every sacrifice, every effort, and every bit of what made us her parents got erased, just like that. There were brief moments when it was recalled that 'oh, yeah, we're the ones in charge' but mostly.... It was the Cin and MJ show, and we were just unwitting victims. I say 'we' but I can't vouch for Hubby's feelings in this matter at all. I don't think he took it nearly as hard. His words were 'It's like two MJs, that's all.' When we met with neighbors we'd grown up with, Cin acted like she was still MJ's parent. Like she had any part in the raising of her in the last year. And it infuriated me. Who fought with MJ until she began to understand why what she did was wrong two weeks ago? Sure as hell wasn't Cin. Who bought that damned $40 mask because MJ loved it and wouldn't take it off? Sure as hell wasn't Cin. Who drove for hours to get there so she could have the first family Halloween in years? NOT CIN.
There was a silver lining. MJ recognized all on her own that we're still her parents. She even gave me a look that said 'Okay, I've had fun, but I'm ready for her to go now.' That was a relief. Up until Cin managed to secrete her make-up bag in our trunk and 'forget' it. So we had to go back today, but refused to get out of the car. Hell, I didn't even park. Just had MJ hand it to Cin and let that be the end.
But oh, once we got home..... There was a little while of peace before Hubby returned and asked about my flute. MJ was supposed to find it today if it was at home. My step-up flute, worth over a 1,000 dollars USED. MJ shrugged, acted like it was no big deal that it's most likely gone forever, and then to top it all off, had the gall to tell me it was my fault. ''If you didn't want it lost or destroyed, you never should have given it to me,'' I believe she said. For her to blame me for her carelessness when we'd been planning to let her go to her friend's house for a sleepover this coming weekend was like being slapped.
Since then she's been moping and crying, but still not cleaning her room like I told her to. She even 're-pierced' her ear. I looked at her blankly, told her it was likely to get infected and hurt a lot worse, and why wasn't she cleaning her room? She said she was bored. Now she's in the shower.
Frankly, I don't know how to get her to take me seriously right now. And to be utterly honest here? That comment about my prized flute has literally dimmed my love for her. I still love her, would no matter what, but her disregard for me just..... it's damaged me. I'm seriously giving thought to no longer punishing her, no longer advising her, and no longer helping her. It's what she thinks she wants, and while I know that's not a good way to raise a child, I'm finding it very hard to care about her beyond making sure she isn't dead right about now.
I get the feeling I'm going to be in trouble with everyone once you all read this, but I've always been committed to being as honest as I can. It's not even that I loved my flute more than I do her. It's her attitude about it. Her lack of empathy, of caring. She's been crying for hours, but it isn't for my flute. It's because she knows it's gone, and so are her chances of going to her friend's birthday sleep-over. Though really, I'm reconsidering. I want her gone for a while, and that would be convenient.
I'm sure all children are insensitive little beasts at times, but she's rather consistent in her lack of regard for me and anything I own. I don't know how much longer I can continue to love and care for her as earnestly as I have up til now. I just don't know.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Hurricane Joaquin and Shania Twain.
Her dresses are so gorgeous in this video that I'm in awe.
Apparently there's a lot of flood watches and warnings in NC all over. We're having tons of storms, and on top of that, there's a Level 4 hurricane on its way. The Hurricane's name is Joaquin, but it's pronounced like 'Wa' so when I first heard it on the radio, I was like 'Are we SERIOUSLY in the Ws already???? How is that possible???' I felt very lied to when I finally saw it in print, though that made more sense.
MJ has been fluctuating between very bad mouthy behavior and very good 'Gimme the good stuff back' good behavior. At one point she broke down enough to accuse me of only taking her in so I would look good. *deadpan stare* Look good to who? To everyone! They're always saying you're so great for taking me in! I wish they wouldn't say shit like that, really. We had to take you in. Anyone else would have done the same. And I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks of me as long as no one in power tries to take you away from me. *throws hands in air* She wanted me to prove that I don't care what people think, and that I love her. I told her that she doesn't really love me if she dares to ask me to prove it. She said she tries to hide that she loves me, which IS proof that she loves me. That's some fucked up thoughts, that is.
She's been trying to weasel out of punishments, and she's been talking more and more like a street thug. She's also been asking for cuddles, and I've been saying no because she annoys me so much, but I should really start accepting again. I'm sure she's lonely and unsure of herself. Maybe cuddles would help that. I just get bored and irritated cuddling her because she elbows me and kicks me and breathes on me and it's gross.
Still nothing on the job front. Mom says I should apply to banks, but I feel at a disadvantage because I only know anything about Wells Fargo and they keep rejecting me. Huh. Who does everyone use for their banking needs? That's something we haven't talked about before. Who do you use, and how do you feel about them?
Love you, miss you, hope to see you all soon!!!
Apparently there's a lot of flood watches and warnings in NC all over. We're having tons of storms, and on top of that, there's a Level 4 hurricane on its way. The Hurricane's name is Joaquin, but it's pronounced like 'Wa' so when I first heard it on the radio, I was like 'Are we SERIOUSLY in the Ws already???? How is that possible???' I felt very lied to when I finally saw it in print, though that made more sense.
MJ has been fluctuating between very bad mouthy behavior and very good 'Gimme the good stuff back' good behavior. At one point she broke down enough to accuse me of only taking her in so I would look good. *deadpan stare* Look good to who? To everyone! They're always saying you're so great for taking me in! I wish they wouldn't say shit like that, really. We had to take you in. Anyone else would have done the same. And I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks of me as long as no one in power tries to take you away from me. *throws hands in air* She wanted me to prove that I don't care what people think, and that I love her. I told her that she doesn't really love me if she dares to ask me to prove it. She said she tries to hide that she loves me, which IS proof that she loves me. That's some fucked up thoughts, that is.
She's been trying to weasel out of punishments, and she's been talking more and more like a street thug. She's also been asking for cuddles, and I've been saying no because she annoys me so much, but I should really start accepting again. I'm sure she's lonely and unsure of herself. Maybe cuddles would help that. I just get bored and irritated cuddling her because she elbows me and kicks me and breathes on me and it's gross.
Still nothing on the job front. Mom says I should apply to banks, but I feel at a disadvantage because I only know anything about Wells Fargo and they keep rejecting me. Huh. Who does everyone use for their banking needs? That's something we haven't talked about before. Who do you use, and how do you feel about them?
Love you, miss you, hope to see you all soon!!!
Thursday, September 17, 2015
New! Baby MAMA Drama....
So Cin has begun to clue in to how she is no longer MJ's parent, or at least, that's how it feels to her. Basically, my Facebook status went like this:
GRAR! THIS CHILD! Apparently I don't know how to tuck her in the way she likes. Hubby, apparently you spoil her! *feeling inadequate* (Because Hubby had to go in after me and 'fix' it tonight)
Hubby and Cin and I had some friendly comments where Hubby and I ribbed at each other over spoiling her. Cin chimes in with a 'Awww. Look at you two sounding like parents....' and Hubby and I had to stop and blink. SOUND like? Bitch, we ARE. But I, unsure if she meant it in a hurtful way, refrained from commenting. Hubby, stating that it didn't matter if HE was mean, responded '*Raises eyebrow* I think we are parents as far as I'm concerned'.
Frankly, I agree with him. Her comment came off as condescending in a 'Look at you pretending to be parents' kind of way, and it was a little hurtful. Obviously we're her parents. We feed her, clothe her, love her, and discipline her. If Cin were dead, there would be no question from any person's point of view, yes we're her parents. But because Cin is alive (and kicking), she took that as an attack on her being MJ's mom. She responded with (I will quote):
And yeah, maybe it hurt her a little, but for her to deny that we're MJ's parents? That's a blow to me!
So I'm in boxing you this because I was extremely offended by the comment HUBBY posted......I'm not sure if it was meant the way I took it however I was giving you guys a compliment and found you guys conversation to be cute and my comment was a compliment and I don't understand or appreciate the response. To me that last comment was not only unnecessary but below the belt.......like I said I'm not sure how it was meant....it's obvious that you guys take awesome care of MJ and do a great job, however you both are uncle and ain't...not parent. Thanks for making me feel even more awful than I already do. This whole situation is difficult for everyone involved. You, Hubby, MJ and me however I try really hard to respect boundaries and be appreciative and respectful of you two......please try to consider my feelings in the same manner that I do you guys.I don't know if either of you comprehend how hurtful that was but it was...
And yeah, maybe it hurt her a little, but for her to deny that we're MJ's parents? That's a blow to me! So I responded (with liberal comments from Hubby about how I was too harsh, or 'oh, lets not go there' so it was highly edited):
Cin, we're her parents. We're her Aunt and Uncle, true, but we're also her parents. You really need to come to terms with that. You are her mother, and we know and accept that. But we're raising her, and plan to be doing so until she's grown and in college or has a job that will support her. Frankly, your 'sounding like parents' comment was hurtful to us, and made it sound like we were pretending to be parents. Hubby didn't intend to hurt you with his response, but your comment was also hurtful. We weren't sure how you meant your comment either. It would certainly be easier if we can get along, and we're trying to, but you can't take ONE comment from us as being disrespectful of you and start drama. Just because we're her parents now doesn't mean that you're not also her mom. Ok? When we first brought her to our home, we sat down and agreed that we're her parents. Definition of parent is: one that begets offspring, OR one that brings up and cares for another. So we're all her parents, as far as my opinion goes. We've been respectful of you. You're the one taking us as a joke.
So now that I'm rereading all of it, I'm thinking we all took offense rather easily, and it will hopefully be ironed out tomorrow with little to no drama. But knowing my sister's perchance for it, and her complete boredom at present, who knows who she's going to drag into the argument before it gets worked out. I know if she annoys me too much, I'll just delete her on FB. I warned all family that if drama was started with me, you were gone. The only reason I haven't dropped the cousin from my last post is because she's pregnant and already losing most of her friends with her offensive posts.
Just keeping you up to date, and looking for opinions and comments. Thanks, goodnight!
GRAR! THIS CHILD! Apparently I don't know how to tuck her in the way she likes. Hubby, apparently you spoil her! *feeling inadequate* (Because Hubby had to go in after me and 'fix' it tonight)
Hubby and Cin and I had some friendly comments where Hubby and I ribbed at each other over spoiling her. Cin chimes in with a 'Awww. Look at you two sounding like parents....' and Hubby and I had to stop and blink. SOUND like? Bitch, we ARE. But I, unsure if she meant it in a hurtful way, refrained from commenting. Hubby, stating that it didn't matter if HE was mean, responded '*Raises eyebrow* I think we are parents as far as I'm concerned'.
Frankly, I agree with him. Her comment came off as condescending in a 'Look at you pretending to be parents' kind of way, and it was a little hurtful. Obviously we're her parents. We feed her, clothe her, love her, and discipline her. If Cin were dead, there would be no question from any person's point of view, yes we're her parents. But because Cin is alive (and kicking), she took that as an attack on her being MJ's mom. She responded with (I will quote):
And yeah, maybe it hurt her a little, but for her to deny that we're MJ's parents? That's a blow to me!
So I'm in boxing you this because I was extremely offended by the comment HUBBY posted......I'm not sure if it was meant the way I took it however I was giving you guys a compliment and found you guys conversation to be cute and my comment was a compliment and I don't understand or appreciate the response. To me that last comment was not only unnecessary but below the belt.......like I said I'm not sure how it was meant....it's obvious that you guys take awesome care of MJ and do a great job, however you both are uncle and ain't...not parent. Thanks for making me feel even more awful than I already do. This whole situation is difficult for everyone involved. You, Hubby, MJ and me however I try really hard to respect boundaries and be appreciative and respectful of you two......please try to consider my feelings in the same manner that I do you guys.I don't know if either of you comprehend how hurtful that was but it was...
And yeah, maybe it hurt her a little, but for her to deny that we're MJ's parents? That's a blow to me! So I responded (with liberal comments from Hubby about how I was too harsh, or 'oh, lets not go there' so it was highly edited):
Cin, we're her parents. We're her Aunt and Uncle, true, but we're also her parents. You really need to come to terms with that. You are her mother, and we know and accept that. But we're raising her, and plan to be doing so until she's grown and in college or has a job that will support her. Frankly, your 'sounding like parents' comment was hurtful to us, and made it sound like we were pretending to be parents. Hubby didn't intend to hurt you with his response, but your comment was also hurtful. We weren't sure how you meant your comment either. It would certainly be easier if we can get along, and we're trying to, but you can't take ONE comment from us as being disrespectful of you and start drama. Just because we're her parents now doesn't mean that you're not also her mom. Ok? When we first brought her to our home, we sat down and agreed that we're her parents. Definition of parent is: one that begets offspring, OR one that brings up and cares for another. So we're all her parents, as far as my opinion goes. We've been respectful of you. You're the one taking us as a joke.
So now that I'm rereading all of it, I'm thinking we all took offense rather easily, and it will hopefully be ironed out tomorrow with little to no drama. But knowing my sister's perchance for it, and her complete boredom at present, who knows who she's going to drag into the argument before it gets worked out. I know if she annoys me too much, I'll just delete her on FB. I warned all family that if drama was started with me, you were gone. The only reason I haven't dropped the cousin from my last post is because she's pregnant and already losing most of her friends with her offensive posts.
Just keeping you up to date, and looking for opinions and comments. Thanks, goodnight!
Friday, September 11, 2015
Baby Daddy Drama
My cousin and I had a conversation about my sister hitting on her then-boyfriend. Keep in mind this was probably near to a year ago, and she is NO LONGER with the man now. I want your thoughts on these kind of things. I mean, I don't like incest, and the idea of a man that's stuck his dick in my sister(s) sticking his dick into me is too close to incest for me. But I don't think it's fair to limit a partner's potential mate pool simply because they once fucked with you. Here's the conversation. What do you think?
- So... I heard Cin is out of jail now.
- C:
And that was that. I mean, I do understand it feels like a betrayal, but it shouldn't. That's how family fueds get started, and excessive drama. If you break up with someone, they're not yours to dictate to anymore. It may hurt for a while, but the only one who can fix that is yourself. I don't know. What do you guys think?
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Dance Team, GO!
MJ is trying out for the 'Golden Goddess Dance Team' and wanted me there today for the final day of tryouts. I got bored watching the girls make the same mistakes over and over, and was barely refraining from learning it for myself, because it was an interesting dance. MJ assured me there would be no booty-shaking in this team, because 'My coach said we're only middle schoolers and shouldn't be doing that kind of thing.' I really like her coach. He's funny but strict, and the dancing he choreographs is suggestive without being lewd.
What else.... MJ is impressive in that when the music starts is when she really becomes alive. Without music, she's okay, but her performance jumps when she's got music to jam to. It was cool to watch. Yesterday after her tryout, some girls asked if I was her mom, and she gave a hesitant 'yes'. They commented that we look like twins. Our hair is very similar but we don't have much else in common.
I had an interview today. IF they're interested in me, they'll ask to me shadow for an hour sometime a week or two from now. I don't know my odds, but I'm a little hopeful.
I notice my behavior changes when I have something to look forward to. I did all the laundry yesterday, made dinner, and cleaned the bathroom just from that call. It'd be nice if I could find something to look forward to in every day, but life can be pretty boring if you don't have to do a lot of things.
So, little note here about my sisters. Oldest (mother of boys), is in the hospital because of her heart. She's been delving into drugs rather heavily in the last few weeks, and it's probably put a strain on her heart. She's like, 34 or something now, and she's always treated her body rather shabbily, so I can understand it, but I'm not particularly upset. She hasn't called me, and she hasn't done anything to make me care since she betrayed everyone a few weeks ago and disappeared. I'm not really tempted to call her at all, except that while writing this I've started to feel guilty. Maybe I'll call her tomorrow.
The next one (MJ's mother) is getting out of jail next week. She had tons of money on our phone number to call, but she hasn't called at all this week, though she called 3 or 4 times last week. I'm disappointed, and a little relieved because she always called while I was sleeping.
My brother is doing well. Uncle Johnny is in jail (he's been living with Bubba) after holding up a CVS, and so Bubba has the place to himself. My mom has been remodeling it for him, making it nice to live in. She came up over the weekend and helped us pick out and move some bigger furniture we wouldn't have been able to get otherwise, like a beautiful desk and wicker entertainment center. I still want to spray paint the entertainment center a color that isn't white, but I'm less adamant about making it black now. It'd be hard to come back from black.
Our closet is getting full of things that we don't need right now, like clothes and toys and such that we aren't really ready to unpack.
I've taken to documenting all the crazy creepy-crawlies that I find and kill here. Spiders, Millipedes, Centipedes, rolly-pollies bigger than my pinkie, all sorts of shit. I have a spider bite on my arm that isn't healing very well. It's still about the size of a quarter, but now it's purplish and looks like a bruise. I really thought it would heal quicker than that, and it still itches and stings sometimes.
That's all. My eyes are tired, so I'm gonna stop now. I feel vaguely depressed, dissatisfied, unhappy, and angry all at once, and without any reason I can find. MJ wears on my nerves with her borderline attitude, and it's been making me snappy. Maybe that's what wears me out so much nowadays. Oh well. Oh, also: Pineapples, Shodor's Baby Daddy, I used you as references. Hope you don't mind. :X
There's gonna be a lot of music in this post, because there's a lot of interesting new music coming out lately.
This is just hilarious. "Downtown" by Macklemore.
In case this one doesn't load (I've noticed not all do) The name of it is "Growing up" by Macklemore and Ed Sheeran. It moves me, and really encapsulates being a parent to me.
What else.... MJ is impressive in that when the music starts is when she really becomes alive. Without music, she's okay, but her performance jumps when she's got music to jam to. It was cool to watch. Yesterday after her tryout, some girls asked if I was her mom, and she gave a hesitant 'yes'. They commented that we look like twins. Our hair is very similar but we don't have much else in common.
I had an interview today. IF they're interested in me, they'll ask to me shadow for an hour sometime a week or two from now. I don't know my odds, but I'm a little hopeful.
I notice my behavior changes when I have something to look forward to. I did all the laundry yesterday, made dinner, and cleaned the bathroom just from that call. It'd be nice if I could find something to look forward to in every day, but life can be pretty boring if you don't have to do a lot of things.
So, little note here about my sisters. Oldest (mother of boys), is in the hospital because of her heart. She's been delving into drugs rather heavily in the last few weeks, and it's probably put a strain on her heart. She's like, 34 or something now, and she's always treated her body rather shabbily, so I can understand it, but I'm not particularly upset. She hasn't called me, and she hasn't done anything to make me care since she betrayed everyone a few weeks ago and disappeared. I'm not really tempted to call her at all, except that while writing this I've started to feel guilty. Maybe I'll call her tomorrow.
The next one (MJ's mother) is getting out of jail next week. She had tons of money on our phone number to call, but she hasn't called at all this week, though she called 3 or 4 times last week. I'm disappointed, and a little relieved because she always called while I was sleeping.
My brother is doing well. Uncle Johnny is in jail (he's been living with Bubba) after holding up a CVS, and so Bubba has the place to himself. My mom has been remodeling it for him, making it nice to live in. She came up over the weekend and helped us pick out and move some bigger furniture we wouldn't have been able to get otherwise, like a beautiful desk and wicker entertainment center. I still want to spray paint the entertainment center a color that isn't white, but I'm less adamant about making it black now. It'd be hard to come back from black.
Our closet is getting full of things that we don't need right now, like clothes and toys and such that we aren't really ready to unpack.
I've taken to documenting all the crazy creepy-crawlies that I find and kill here. Spiders, Millipedes, Centipedes, rolly-pollies bigger than my pinkie, all sorts of shit. I have a spider bite on my arm that isn't healing very well. It's still about the size of a quarter, but now it's purplish and looks like a bruise. I really thought it would heal quicker than that, and it still itches and stings sometimes.
That's all. My eyes are tired, so I'm gonna stop now. I feel vaguely depressed, dissatisfied, unhappy, and angry all at once, and without any reason I can find. MJ wears on my nerves with her borderline attitude, and it's been making me snappy. Maybe that's what wears me out so much nowadays. Oh well. Oh, also: Pineapples, Shodor's Baby Daddy, I used you as references. Hope you don't mind. :X
There's gonna be a lot of music in this post, because there's a lot of interesting new music coming out lately.
This is just hilarious. "Downtown" by Macklemore.
In case this one doesn't load (I've noticed not all do) The name of it is "Growing up" by Macklemore and Ed Sheeran. It moves me, and really encapsulates being a parent to me.
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Off to Grandma's House we went!
And now we're back. Quick summary of the visit to Hubby's parents' house:
We left Friday afternoon after an awful hour at MJ's school trying to get her schedule worked out because she was a 'late-enrollee'. Hit traffic that delayed us.
Got there, ate at a place we'd been to before on a 'not good night' and incidentally I won the bet. Hubby bet we'd never eaten there before, but I was right.
Went back to the house/trailer, MJ danced for everyone....for a long time. And I did it sometimes too. Showed FIL my new tablet, he was impressed.
Went to put MJ to bed, long fight. Lots of screaming and crying, ended in me grumpy and leaving a bathroom light on for her.
Hubby tried to scold that we were spoiling her, didn't listen because I was exhausted.
Woke up the next day, late because I was tired. MIL ordered Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, no crossants so I was kinda grossed out. Think I managed to hide it, but that was way too much sugar for morning.
Drove to Aquarium, enjoyed it. Drove to Subway, ate. Changed clothes, drove to beach, swam. MIL and FIL walked on arbor for a while, when they came back, played Frisbee til little one caught it with her wrist. Then we packed up and headed home.
Decided to eat out. Stopped at Olive Garden, but MJ/Me/Hubby really wanted Ruby Tuesdays because we haven't been in years. It was good. Found my wedding ring. Hubby insisted I wear it.
Went home. MJ danced and we watched Home Free. It was good.
Put MJ to bed, fewer problems, though we tried to let MIL tuck MJ in, and that didn't work. Hubby had to go in, and that still didn't work. Ended up being a team effort to get the 11 yr old settled. Poem reading was required.
Talked with MIL for a bit, Hubby made excuse to go to Walmart, MIL stayed home because 'it was late' (SUCCESS). Hubby bought condoms and snack cakes. Fun fun fun times were had.
Slept like the dead for many hours. It was guuuud.
MIL made breakfast, and it got cold because we overslept over an hour. MJ couldn't find a brush. I combed her salty, frizzy hair. She complained later, but didn't complain while I did it.
Breakfast was good. Waffles were had.
Games were played. Tennis, bowling, and Trouble. Never had to leave the bedroom. (Thank you Wii)
Left for home, Burger King coupons were used.
MJ had a fit. Will expound later.
Made it home. MJ danced, I made her lunch for school, bed was attempted.
MJ fought it like a champ. Or a troublesome child. Same thing at this point.
Eventual tentative success.
MJ's fighting fit:
She said I was rude for interrupting her daydream, even though I left her alone as much as I could, and didn't try to interact with her until I thought she was done, and only when I needed to. In my favor, Hubby also thought she was done. Her rudeness was overly offensive, and then she tried to turn everything on me. When I repeated her arguments back at her, she eventually yelled about how she wishes she couldn't talk, because she never says anything right. Mainly because her argument was so ridiculous I almost laughed trying to summarize it. She really fought it, for a long time, but I refrained from handing out any punishment and tried to talk through it, to reach an understanding with her. The fight went out of her when she was finally saying how she wants us to be supportive, and I turned around to look at her and said 'I love you, I support you. I think you can do anything you want to, and I'll help you.' She got tears in her eyes and I added 'You're my daughter.' The tears fell and she said 'And you're my Auntie.' I nodded, Hubby said he would do the same thing but he didn't want to die, laughter happened, and life went on.
She had a really good weekend, and I think it worried her that something bad would have to happen soon to 'equal out' the good, and she felt she should ruin it herself rather than leave it to fate. That's my interpretation, at least. I could always be wrong.
On a new note:
My sister (not MJ's mom) has fallen off the wagon again, and indulged in heavy drugs this past week. Now she's out of money, came crawling back to Mom, asking for help after abandoning her son to my mom without Mom's agreement. Mom had changed the locks on the doors to try to keep her out, but Kadykins (her son) let her in. Mom said that if Kris went to rehab and gave custody to Mom, she would keep kadykins and let Kris stay while she worked through this. Kris refused. So Mom is insisting Kris leave, but Kris won't. Kris has no money, no car, and no way to get to work, and surprisingly, work still wanted her on Friday. No idea about now though. I don't understand this, and have no idea why she would do this, especially the night I was supposed to meet up with her. She didn't show. Sisters.....
We left Friday afternoon after an awful hour at MJ's school trying to get her schedule worked out because she was a 'late-enrollee'. Hit traffic that delayed us.
Got there, ate at a place we'd been to before on a 'not good night' and incidentally I won the bet. Hubby bet we'd never eaten there before, but I was right.
Went back to the house/trailer, MJ danced for everyone....for a long time. And I did it sometimes too. Showed FIL my new tablet, he was impressed.
Went to put MJ to bed, long fight. Lots of screaming and crying, ended in me grumpy and leaving a bathroom light on for her.
Hubby tried to scold that we were spoiling her, didn't listen because I was exhausted.
Woke up the next day, late because I was tired. MIL ordered Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, no crossants so I was kinda grossed out. Think I managed to hide it, but that was way too much sugar for morning.
Drove to Aquarium, enjoyed it. Drove to Subway, ate. Changed clothes, drove to beach, swam. MIL and FIL walked on arbor for a while, when they came back, played Frisbee til little one caught it with her wrist. Then we packed up and headed home.
Decided to eat out. Stopped at Olive Garden, but MJ/Me/Hubby really wanted Ruby Tuesdays because we haven't been in years. It was good. Found my wedding ring. Hubby insisted I wear it.
Went home. MJ danced and we watched Home Free. It was good.
Put MJ to bed, fewer problems, though we tried to let MIL tuck MJ in, and that didn't work. Hubby had to go in, and that still didn't work. Ended up being a team effort to get the 11 yr old settled. Poem reading was required.
Talked with MIL for a bit, Hubby made excuse to go to Walmart, MIL stayed home because 'it was late' (SUCCESS). Hubby bought condoms and snack cakes. Fun fun fun times were had.
Slept like the dead for many hours. It was guuuud.
MIL made breakfast, and it got cold because we overslept over an hour. MJ couldn't find a brush. I combed her salty, frizzy hair. She complained later, but didn't complain while I did it.
Breakfast was good. Waffles were had.
Games were played. Tennis, bowling, and Trouble. Never had to leave the bedroom. (Thank you Wii)
Left for home, Burger King coupons were used.
MJ had a fit. Will expound later.
Made it home. MJ danced, I made her lunch for school, bed was attempted.
MJ fought it like a champ. Or a troublesome child. Same thing at this point.
Eventual tentative success.
MJ's fighting fit:
She said I was rude for interrupting her daydream, even though I left her alone as much as I could, and didn't try to interact with her until I thought she was done, and only when I needed to. In my favor, Hubby also thought she was done. Her rudeness was overly offensive, and then she tried to turn everything on me. When I repeated her arguments back at her, she eventually yelled about how she wishes she couldn't talk, because she never says anything right. Mainly because her argument was so ridiculous I almost laughed trying to summarize it. She really fought it, for a long time, but I refrained from handing out any punishment and tried to talk through it, to reach an understanding with her. The fight went out of her when she was finally saying how she wants us to be supportive, and I turned around to look at her and said 'I love you, I support you. I think you can do anything you want to, and I'll help you.' She got tears in her eyes and I added 'You're my daughter.' The tears fell and she said 'And you're my Auntie.' I nodded, Hubby said he would do the same thing but he didn't want to die, laughter happened, and life went on.
She had a really good weekend, and I think it worried her that something bad would have to happen soon to 'equal out' the good, and she felt she should ruin it herself rather than leave it to fate. That's my interpretation, at least. I could always be wrong.
On a new note:
My sister (not MJ's mom) has fallen off the wagon again, and indulged in heavy drugs this past week. Now she's out of money, came crawling back to Mom, asking for help after abandoning her son to my mom without Mom's agreement. Mom had changed the locks on the doors to try to keep her out, but Kadykins (her son) let her in. Mom said that if Kris went to rehab and gave custody to Mom, she would keep kadykins and let Kris stay while she worked through this. Kris refused. So Mom is insisting Kris leave, but Kris won't. Kris has no money, no car, and no way to get to work, and surprisingly, work still wanted her on Friday. No idea about now though. I don't understand this, and have no idea why she would do this, especially the night I was supposed to meet up with her. She didn't show. Sisters.....
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Slapping or Popping, isn't it still wrong?
So today, I called home to check on MJ, and ask if anyone had seen a scary movie Hubby and I are gonna watch tonight. Instead I get a 25 minute conversation on how much our Mom sucks, how she slapped MJ in the face multiple times this morning, and how she's too sick for my sister to leave her. After repeating myself a few times (telling her not to worry about Mom, just leave when she can), and then being told I can't understand her concerns because I don't have children, I hung up on her.
Hubby and I then discussed whether we should go pick up our child tonight, or wait and listen to the other sides. Sister's side was: MJ finally had a breakdown this morning that had been building all week. Breakdown included: Throwing things, kicking furniture, screaming in people's faces, and calling her younger cousin stupid. Mom wasn't home to give her side, and she'd taken MJ with her so we put the possible decision on hold, and Hubby went back to work.
Mom just called a little while ago, and said she wanted me to know, MJ had had a fit this morning. Mom physically dragged her to the living room, and when MJ was screaming in her face, she popped her in the mouth twice. Afterward, she was going shopping, and asked if MJ wanted to come along. Then she proceeded to buy a lot of things for MJ that she doesn't need. I vaguely recall her doing the same thing to me. Being harsh and then giving me things afterward to sooth my hurt and anger with her. I don't think it's right. I also don't know if it'd be worth it to keep MJ and her Nana apart because of it. Its something Hubby and I will talk about. I wanted to be sure to write it down before I forget anything.
MJ said she doesn't want us to pick her up today or Friday. She wants us to come as late as possible, so Sunday is her preference. I'm torn about this as well. I think we'll stick to Friday, because I don't want her there any longer. But then, Hubby is really enjoying the time without her, so maybe he'll push for Sunday. I don't know.
I just got finished putting up three Curtain Hangers, and fixing the shower head so it doesn't leak water anymore. I wonder if we should bother changing MJ's showerhead, or if we should return it to the store. We haven't installed it, and Mom bought one for us, though since we already have one, she hasn't offered to give it to us since then. I'll think about it.
We still have about 20 boxes to unpack, but we're not in any hurry to do so, so if you want to come visit, please just let us know. ;) I won't even care that my house is pretty lame. I probably should care, but I don't.
Yeah, just wanted to get this out. Toodles.
Hubby and I then discussed whether we should go pick up our child tonight, or wait and listen to the other sides. Sister's side was: MJ finally had a breakdown this morning that had been building all week. Breakdown included: Throwing things, kicking furniture, screaming in people's faces, and calling her younger cousin stupid. Mom wasn't home to give her side, and she'd taken MJ with her so we put the possible decision on hold, and Hubby went back to work.
Mom just called a little while ago, and said she wanted me to know, MJ had had a fit this morning. Mom physically dragged her to the living room, and when MJ was screaming in her face, she popped her in the mouth twice. Afterward, she was going shopping, and asked if MJ wanted to come along. Then she proceeded to buy a lot of things for MJ that she doesn't need. I vaguely recall her doing the same thing to me. Being harsh and then giving me things afterward to sooth my hurt and anger with her. I don't think it's right. I also don't know if it'd be worth it to keep MJ and her Nana apart because of it. Its something Hubby and I will talk about. I wanted to be sure to write it down before I forget anything.
MJ said she doesn't want us to pick her up today or Friday. She wants us to come as late as possible, so Sunday is her preference. I'm torn about this as well. I think we'll stick to Friday, because I don't want her there any longer. But then, Hubby is really enjoying the time without her, so maybe he'll push for Sunday. I don't know.
I just got finished putting up three Curtain Hangers, and fixing the shower head so it doesn't leak water anymore. I wonder if we should bother changing MJ's showerhead, or if we should return it to the store. We haven't installed it, and Mom bought one for us, though since we already have one, she hasn't offered to give it to us since then. I'll think about it.
We still have about 20 boxes to unpack, but we're not in any hurry to do so, so if you want to come visit, please just let us know. ;) I won't even care that my house is pretty lame. I probably should care, but I don't.
Yeah, just wanted to get this out. Toodles.
Monday, July 27, 2015
Moving moving mooooooving~!
This child is scary as shit. She told her mom 'I want you to read those letters and take every word into your heart' and I was like 'Ohhhhh shiiiiiit'. Okay, and now she just said she likes being a big sister because 'We share the same joy and the same pain. And I like sharing emotions because we're family and we understand each other.' I just..... *shakes head* She is dramatic and ridiculous and I don't even have any idea whether to nurture that or try to temper it.
Arranged to get someone to pick up our extra furniture tomorrow. Ran around getting things together to leave today. First we went to pick up Hubby's bookbag, let MJ say goodbye to her daycare, and got the car inspected. They needed more time to work out why the engine light is on, so Hubby said he'll take it back tomorrow morning. Then we went to County Line BBQ, and the food was good, but not so amazing. Kinda wish we coulda left room for dessert, but the bread was soooo heavy.
After that, I drove us to the Home Depot where we bought a dolly, a padlock (went to see if it fit the trucks, and it did), and some cool forearm straps to carry heavy things with.
After that, we dropped by a thrift shop that just opened, and arranged for them to come pick up our stuff. They were bringing things from San Marcos, so it's a bit out of the way for them to come to our house, but we're within 2 miles of the store, so the lady said it would be fine. At worst we'll dump the couch, and take everything else. But this couch is not going with us.
MJ loves this song:
I am REALLY offended at this song. It's not any better than Blurred Lines, just from the standpoint of a woman taking advantage of a boy instead. It's just as disgusting, and I hate that it's getting popular.
Holy crap. This is Hilary Duff?? I kinda like the blue/gray hair she's got going on, and her body is FABULOUS! Just, wow.
Arranged to get someone to pick up our extra furniture tomorrow. Ran around getting things together to leave today. First we went to pick up Hubby's bookbag, let MJ say goodbye to her daycare, and got the car inspected. They needed more time to work out why the engine light is on, so Hubby said he'll take it back tomorrow morning. Then we went to County Line BBQ, and the food was good, but not so amazing. Kinda wish we coulda left room for dessert, but the bread was soooo heavy.
After that, I drove us to the Home Depot where we bought a dolly, a padlock (went to see if it fit the trucks, and it did), and some cool forearm straps to carry heavy things with.
After that, we dropped by a thrift shop that just opened, and arranged for them to come pick up our stuff. They were bringing things from San Marcos, so it's a bit out of the way for them to come to our house, but we're within 2 miles of the store, so the lady said it would be fine. At worst we'll dump the couch, and take everything else. But this couch is not going with us.
MJ loves this song:
I am REALLY offended at this song. It's not any better than Blurred Lines, just from the standpoint of a woman taking advantage of a boy instead. It's just as disgusting, and I hate that it's getting popular.
Holy crap. This is Hilary Duff?? I kinda like the blue/gray hair she's got going on, and her body is FABULOUS! Just, wow.
Friday, July 17, 2015
12 days and counting
We're moving on the 29th. It's really sinking in, and I can see the cogs in hubby's head turning and him starting to panic. He looks around and is like 'We're not prepared!!!' and tries to do everything, and get everything ready to go RIGHT NOW.
Now as for me, I'm sitting here going "Whelp, with the size of the truck we've rented, (16 ft) we can take this, and this, and this too. Oh this is gonna be FUN!!''
What we're both panicking about is getting a house set up in advance. It would be the best situation to be able to get a house that we can go directly to, that is under $900 a month, and that our parents can vet for us beforehand, so we're not renting blindly. The other preferences are: A yard, allows cats, in a good school system, with carpeted floors (my preference) or hardwood (Hubby's preference). Besides trying to keep it under a $1000 a month and near Brier Creek, we don't have many requirements. Hubby has a job all set for him in Brier Creek, so that's great. I can find something, for sure. There's a few options I'm keeping an eye on, actually.
I haven't figured out where to mail my license confirmation paper to, so I don't know what the hell I'm going to do to get my license approved. It's driving me crazy. I have an idea or two, but no real plan of action. So frustrating....
On the plus side, our families are doing everything they can to help us out. On the minus side, I had to tell Cin about us moving, and now she's super excited to see us. *rolls eyes* Apparently this weekend is my other niece's birthday. I'm not even sure how old she's turning, but I know MJ is gonna wanna call her. I guess it's fine, I just wish Cin hadn't consulted MJ about it before ME.
MJ and I are preparing for the trip by getting games and music downloaded to my tablet, since her's has broken, and has no real possibility of being fixable. Hubby and I aren't sure if we're going to drive together, or just fix an end point to meet at each day. I'd feel safer if we were together, but I also think we'd get annoyed having to watch out for each other the whole time. We'll prepare for both possibilities and figure it out from there.
I haven't heard from any of the other bloggers (you know who you are) in nearly a month. I'm both worried, and a little upset. I realize life takes priority, and that everyone has things going on that are essential to their livelihood, but a quick ten-minute check-in to reassert that you've thought about me/us/etc. wouldn't be too bad, would it? Yeah, you could say I could always call you if I'm that worried, but I've got a crippling fear of phones. And I *have* messaged you. I feel rejected and abandoned without any responses, and that I'm imposing myself on you, when I don't get an answer. It prevents me from sending further messages, because I hate being thought of as an annoyance. Just.... think about it, ok?
In other news, Hubby has been emailing potential places, and I've been calling them. That's ironic, isn't it? We have a few places set up for my mom to visit tomorrow, and for his parents to possibly visit next week. Hopefully between the two we'll have a place ready for us soon.
I guess that's it.
Now as for me, I'm sitting here going "Whelp, with the size of the truck we've rented, (16 ft) we can take this, and this, and this too. Oh this is gonna be FUN!!''
What we're both panicking about is getting a house set up in advance. It would be the best situation to be able to get a house that we can go directly to, that is under $900 a month, and that our parents can vet for us beforehand, so we're not renting blindly. The other preferences are: A yard, allows cats, in a good school system, with carpeted floors (my preference) or hardwood (Hubby's preference). Besides trying to keep it under a $1000 a month and near Brier Creek, we don't have many requirements. Hubby has a job all set for him in Brier Creek, so that's great. I can find something, for sure. There's a few options I'm keeping an eye on, actually.
I haven't figured out where to mail my license confirmation paper to, so I don't know what the hell I'm going to do to get my license approved. It's driving me crazy. I have an idea or two, but no real plan of action. So frustrating....
On the plus side, our families are doing everything they can to help us out. On the minus side, I had to tell Cin about us moving, and now she's super excited to see us. *rolls eyes* Apparently this weekend is my other niece's birthday. I'm not even sure how old she's turning, but I know MJ is gonna wanna call her. I guess it's fine, I just wish Cin hadn't consulted MJ about it before ME.
MJ and I are preparing for the trip by getting games and music downloaded to my tablet, since her's has broken, and has no real possibility of being fixable. Hubby and I aren't sure if we're going to drive together, or just fix an end point to meet at each day. I'd feel safer if we were together, but I also think we'd get annoyed having to watch out for each other the whole time. We'll prepare for both possibilities and figure it out from there.
I haven't heard from any of the other bloggers (you know who you are) in nearly a month. I'm both worried, and a little upset. I realize life takes priority, and that everyone has things going on that are essential to their livelihood, but a quick ten-minute check-in to reassert that you've thought about me/us/etc. wouldn't be too bad, would it? Yeah, you could say I could always call you if I'm that worried, but I've got a crippling fear of phones. And I *have* messaged you. I feel rejected and abandoned without any responses, and that I'm imposing myself on you, when I don't get an answer. It prevents me from sending further messages, because I hate being thought of as an annoyance. Just.... think about it, ok?
In other news, Hubby has been emailing potential places, and I've been calling them. That's ironic, isn't it? We have a few places set up for my mom to visit tomorrow, and for his parents to possibly visit next week. Hopefully between the two we'll have a place ready for us soon.
I guess that's it.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Exorcising the Ghost
I finally got rid of EVERYTHING dealing with the jerk. Good riddance! I feel like I should feel freer than I do. I don't feel like the shackles are gone yet.
I wrote that over a week ago. Now I can proudly say the shackles are gone, and all I can think about the guy is 'Good riddance'.
This song makes me think of MJ. On the one hand, we ARE a temporary home for her, because she'll eventually grow up and make her own. On the other hand, hopefully we'll be her final 'childhood home'. This reminds me of a bittersweet article I read about becoming a mother. Here's the link (Yes, I looked it up, it's so good): http://www.geekfill.com/2014/06/30/mom-gives-best-explanation-ever-how-life-changes-after-pregnancy-this-is-perfect/
There's a lot of good points in the article, but the one I was actually thinking about was the one that said that you'll wish for more time on this earth, not for yourself, but to watch over your children. I feel that way for sure. I've never valued my life very highly, but I value it more knowing that MJ would be lost without us, and that Hubbikins would be stuck between a rock and a hard place if I weren't here too. I'm not suicidal, but I've never had a strong survival instinct. MJ appears to be the same way. The only solution I can find is to give her things (REALISTIC GOALS) to reach for and achieve. Becoming an idol is too high, because it'll be years and years and she'll lose faith in herself. But something like becoming a good tennis/violin/soccer player is doable because she can check herself against others frequently and see progress. Books were my salvation. I lived to read the next volume, if you know what I mean.
I worry about MJ alot. For the last week or two I've actually been trying to treat her more like a mini-adult, and use manners and lead her in conversations rather than treating her like a child. Apparently that isn't working at all though because she burst out today about how we're so rude and mean to her. *rolls eyes* She just doesn't like being told no, and having things taken away because of misbehavior.
This is Hubby's perspective:
MJ continues to build up her frustrations and then let them out in unproductive ways. Today in particular, she was seriously testing the boundaries. She started off by trying to lie her way out of doing work she knows she is required by us to do every day. When I challenged her on it, she got this disrespectful tone and said "How do you know? You don't spy on me in the back seat." I took out the books from the car and told her to watch her tone. Later on, things seemed to be going fine until she tried to threaten that she wouldn't do her reading because the math and science workout books we have her do are "too much" and that she would compensate for it by basically just skimming over the reading and saying that she completed it when in reality she didn't. Both Runa and I made it clear to her that was not acceptable and that if she really tried to skimp out on the reading, we would give her reading quizzes and such to make sure she did it. Eventually Runa ended it by saying that if she was going to continue to complain about it, then we would increase her page number for math and science from 2 pages each day to 4 pages each day, and that she was complaining about stuff that was taking her an hour at most each day, if that.
Then, when we got home, she started dragging a bag with her books on the ground, and Runa told her to stop dragging it on the ground. She argued and said that she dropped it. So for the arguing and dragging the bag on the ground (after several warnings and second chances) Runa decided to cancel watching the end of the movie for tonight. Then she started doing it repeatedly on purpose since she thinks that once we remove her reward or whatnot, that she can act however she wants. And I turned around and warned her that if she ever wanted to see the end of the movie, she would stop it immediately. And she made some comment about when did I get so bossy. *rolls eyes*
And then when she went in the house, she thought it was ok to throw the bag down on the ground. Runa took away the movie for the foreseeable future right then and there. And then she had a meltdown in the kitchen where she said that she was tired of being wrong and always in the wrong. And that everything about her life is wrong, her hair is wrong, etc. So she essentially said that she wants us to let her get away with stuff because she hates feeling like she is in the wrong all the time. She also brought up how she thinks that she has a demon side and that that isn't her and she forgives herself every time she goes to this imaginary world in her heart/mind. And Runa stressed to her that she has to learn to accept the good and bad side of her and control the bad side. She also said she hates her father because of the stuff he supposedly did to her mom and for leaving her at the age of three. Runa sort of minimized it since, while he didn't necessarily do anything for her, she has never met him and it is sort of ridiculous to hate someone based on what someone else has said about him. She made the rather doubtful claim that he has been in jail more than her mother has. She brought up that she was still mad about us taking her too soon because of X/Y/Z. I pretty much said sorry that blah blah happened and made you feel sad, but there was really nothing we could do about when they decided to send you to us. She has attachment issues to her friends in her past. She thinks that she will just keep all the numbers and then call them all up one day and that they will still be close friends. I don't think it's sunk in with her that that is not how normal, run of the mill friends usually turn out. Usually they just forget you or don't care that much. Because you grow apart. A concept that seems pretty foreign to MJ.
Rules we should prolly go over with her again at the next available opportunity:
Rewards/Going out to places/etc are always based on good behavior. Bad behavior results in loss of privileges no matter what promises or deals are made.
No arguing
No disrespect, in tone or in words. We can provide examples of disrespectful tone if necessary.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Gossip= Negativity in the Workplace
Or at least that's what the owner said today. She said it creates a negative work environment, and that the only things we should be talking about are the current things going on at work or relating to work. To keep personal stories and 'he said/she said's out of conversations at work. To a point, I understand, because it's true that it can help resentment build up, but..... If the treatment was kind and just by everyone, it wouldn't be an issue anyway. The quality of our workplace has really gone down in the last couple of months. It's pretty sad.
She also said they would have to strictly enforce the no gossip, and implied that people could lose their job if they're caught gossiping. If we have a complaint, we need to go to management, and they'll file an anonymous report. BUT she added something scary to that statement: OR NOT, if we feel we need to know who it is. I'm like (O__________O);; So you're reserving the right to know who said what, based on what they say, and not based on harmful content. And we're supposed to complain to the management about everything, rather than test the waters with other workers and see if it's a common problem or one that's only applicable to us?
For example: Tonight, there were literally NO towels in ANY of the THREE Thai rooms when I went to do a thai. It was my first and only thai of the night, but I had to restock all the rooms simply because I was the last one working. I've been having to clean up after my coworkers a ridiculous amount, and it irritates me because it causes me not to get out until 20-30 minutes AFTER closing. So what they're saying is, even though it could cause the workers I work with some serious drama (probation, fired, 'bad' review), I should report them, rather than let off steam by commiserating with another coworker that has the same problem and then letting it go? I mean, it's a recurring problem so I'm close to reporting them anyway, but still: Is the irritation worth possibly causing someone to get fired?
In a related note, and I just incidentally saw this today, I read an interesting quote. It said "A bad manager can take a good staff and destroy it, causing the best employees to flee and the remainder to lose all motivation." I REALLY wanted to comment 'I KNOOOOOW, RIGHT?!' but my manager is fb friends with me and might see it and ask about it, so I kinda don't wanna do that.....
Which brings me to topic two: I'm considering making a 'work' fb with my legal name, and switching my 'work contacts' to that fb account, and changing my current one back to my maiden name + favorite spelling to differentiate them. I want to do this because I feel stifled, like my coworkers could see something on the account and either change their view of me (in a bad way), or question me on something that wasn't intended for work. What do you guys think? Should it be a simple: 'If you don't want your boss to see it, don't post it'? Or is it 'Keep your work life and your private life separate'? I'm conflicted because it feels like lying to make a new account like that, but I also don't want to be stifled in my opinions and beliefs out of fear of losing my job.
I think that's enough heavy topics for the day. Oh wait, here's one more! I like Buzzfeed, to be honest. Here's a nice video from them!
And here's one that ISNT heavy! But still totally interesting!
On a note that I hope doesn't spoil it for you, do you think the make-up all looks a little..... hooker-ish? It's just REALLY strongly there. My favorite is the girl in black (Macy?) though. I like that make-up. It's not TOO strong, but still Pop-y. I wish I could do those 'wings' that well....
She also said they would have to strictly enforce the no gossip, and implied that people could lose their job if they're caught gossiping. If we have a complaint, we need to go to management, and they'll file an anonymous report. BUT she added something scary to that statement: OR NOT, if we feel we need to know who it is. I'm like (O__________O);; So you're reserving the right to know who said what, based on what they say, and not based on harmful content. And we're supposed to complain to the management about everything, rather than test the waters with other workers and see if it's a common problem or one that's only applicable to us?
For example: Tonight, there were literally NO towels in ANY of the THREE Thai rooms when I went to do a thai. It was my first and only thai of the night, but I had to restock all the rooms simply because I was the last one working. I've been having to clean up after my coworkers a ridiculous amount, and it irritates me because it causes me not to get out until 20-30 minutes AFTER closing. So what they're saying is, even though it could cause the workers I work with some serious drama (probation, fired, 'bad' review), I should report them, rather than let off steam by commiserating with another coworker that has the same problem and then letting it go? I mean, it's a recurring problem so I'm close to reporting them anyway, but still: Is the irritation worth possibly causing someone to get fired?
In a related note, and I just incidentally saw this today, I read an interesting quote. It said "A bad manager can take a good staff and destroy it, causing the best employees to flee and the remainder to lose all motivation." I REALLY wanted to comment 'I KNOOOOOW, RIGHT?!' but my manager is fb friends with me and might see it and ask about it, so I kinda don't wanna do that.....
Which brings me to topic two: I'm considering making a 'work' fb with my legal name, and switching my 'work contacts' to that fb account, and changing my current one back to my maiden name + favorite spelling to differentiate them. I want to do this because I feel stifled, like my coworkers could see something on the account and either change their view of me (in a bad way), or question me on something that wasn't intended for work. What do you guys think? Should it be a simple: 'If you don't want your boss to see it, don't post it'? Or is it 'Keep your work life and your private life separate'? I'm conflicted because it feels like lying to make a new account like that, but I also don't want to be stifled in my opinions and beliefs out of fear of losing my job.
I think that's enough heavy topics for the day. Oh wait, here's one more! I like Buzzfeed, to be honest. Here's a nice video from them!
And here's one that ISNT heavy! But still totally interesting!
On a note that I hope doesn't spoil it for you, do you think the make-up all looks a little..... hooker-ish? It's just REALLY strongly there. My favorite is the girl in black (Macy?) though. I like that make-up. It's not TOO strong, but still Pop-y. I wish I could do those 'wings' that well....
Friday, June 5, 2015
MJ safely graduated
though she ended up with a C- in Math again. :( It's frustrating because we definitely worked with her. Her other grades dropped as well, though reading and writing went up. :/ Oh well. Nothing too bad, really. I'm not inclined to make her feel like a failure for not getting straight As, like my mom did to me. It just doesn't seem important.
Damn. I just messed up. I heard that you can get a Schlitterbahn Ticket for 'free' for every 25 dollar donation to Colin's Hope, so I donated 25 as a test, because I didn't see anything about it. Turns out I wasn't on the right page to get that, so I ended up donating 100 dollars instead of the just the necessary 75..... Damnit. I'm so stupid sometimes. Well....yay we have the tickets, I suppose. Hope Hubby doesn't get mad. :/ At least it's going to a good cause.
The good cause is this: Colin's Hope is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization that creates and supports programs that aid in preventing children from drowning. Despite numerous sources for water safety, the number of children who drown per year is staggering. Colin's Hope of saving children from drowning is being achieved through increased water safety awareness and improved standards throughout the community.
There's been some interesting music coming out lately, and I don't really like alot of it, but its certainly new. I *do* like this one, but I don't like this video as much as the original:
So, new things..... Mom wants me to send money to Cin, and she'll mail me a check later. She was supposed to mail me one a month ago, but never did. I'm thinking I'll wait til she says its in the mail.
Speaking of waiting for checks to be mailed, I waited a week and four days, and got no response from the new PA about paying my wages and finally broke down and sent a follow-up message today. I worked for him for a month, and was only paid 1 week of wages, and it wasn't even the most 'expensive' week. It's frustrating because I hate asking for money, but we can't afford to play charity and guilt games. We're moving next month and need every bit we can save. (Yes, I recognize the irony that just a few paragraphs before, I donated $100 to a swimming fund)
MJ graduated in a ceremony last Friday, so she missed the call from her mom. Cin since has called about 6 times, and never when I could actually answer the phone. Hopefully she'll call tomorrow at the 'usual' time.
We got her report card today. It's not great but it's not bad either. Two Cs, and a mixture of As and Bs.
Mmmmm interruption time: If you haven't tried Biscoff, you seriously need to. They're so good and its so easy to forget that they are. Om nom nom.
Damn. I just messed up. I heard that you can get a Schlitterbahn Ticket for 'free' for every 25 dollar donation to Colin's Hope, so I donated 25 as a test, because I didn't see anything about it. Turns out I wasn't on the right page to get that, so I ended up donating 100 dollars instead of the just the necessary 75..... Damnit. I'm so stupid sometimes. Well....yay we have the tickets, I suppose. Hope Hubby doesn't get mad. :/ At least it's going to a good cause.
The good cause is this: Colin's Hope is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization that creates and supports programs that aid in preventing children from drowning. Despite numerous sources for water safety, the number of children who drown per year is staggering. Colin's Hope of saving children from drowning is being achieved through increased water safety awareness and improved standards throughout the community.
There's been some interesting music coming out lately, and I don't really like alot of it, but its certainly new. I *do* like this one, but I don't like this video as much as the original:
So, new things..... Mom wants me to send money to Cin, and she'll mail me a check later. She was supposed to mail me one a month ago, but never did. I'm thinking I'll wait til she says its in the mail.
Speaking of waiting for checks to be mailed, I waited a week and four days, and got no response from the new PA about paying my wages and finally broke down and sent a follow-up message today. I worked for him for a month, and was only paid 1 week of wages, and it wasn't even the most 'expensive' week. It's frustrating because I hate asking for money, but we can't afford to play charity and guilt games. We're moving next month and need every bit we can save. (Yes, I recognize the irony that just a few paragraphs before, I donated $100 to a swimming fund)
MJ graduated in a ceremony last Friday, so she missed the call from her mom. Cin since has called about 6 times, and never when I could actually answer the phone. Hopefully she'll call tomorrow at the 'usual' time.
We got her report card today. It's not great but it's not bad either. Two Cs, and a mixture of As and Bs.
Mmmmm interruption time: If you haven't tried Biscoff, you seriously need to. They're so good and its so easy to forget that they are. Om nom nom.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Can we just call it quits?
I really want to tell the guy I agreed to tutor in Japanese this. I'm just not interested in the stomach twisting, crazy mind-reading-necessary tasks, and I'm very unhappy being pointed to as the 'reason all goes wrong'. I don't think he's a bad guy, but I genuinely don't want to deal with him anymore. And not his 'old' personal assistant either. I feel like she's deriding my every decision. I'm new at this, and I thought I was doing a really good job, especially considering I was dropped into it with no real instruction.
I just want to get it all over with. I tense up every time my inbox records a new message, and my stomach clenches every time I see it's an email from either of them. Most of them are criticisms, and I just end up trying to defend myself. I'm not even gonna get paid for last week's (week four) work because 'he didn't ask for it'. I haven't been paid for week two or three yet, despite repeated appeals for it. And believe me, asking for money is nerve-wracking for me. I really want the confidence to bluntly require it, but I just don't have that aggressiveness. The only reason I've been able to ask for it more than once now is because its over $500 dollars, and that would really help us move.
Oh yeah. We're moving. Back to NC if Hubbykins doesn't get offered something better before then. It's the whole reason I took this job on. I was like 'Ooh, extra money to help us move!' and now I haven't been paid in so long I'm like 'Fuck it. I want the money, but not the recriminations. Just fuck it.' But I'm still holding on because Hubby is super worried about the cost of moving and I want to help as much as I can. >__< I'm not saying I'm not worried, but I do have confidence it'll work out.
I got my NC massage license application in the mail today. So I need to fill it out and send it back pronto so i'll have my license by the time we move back. They require 2 months to process the application.
I was gonna write a lot more, but we need to get to bed. Love you all!
I just want to get it all over with. I tense up every time my inbox records a new message, and my stomach clenches every time I see it's an email from either of them. Most of them are criticisms, and I just end up trying to defend myself. I'm not even gonna get paid for last week's (week four) work because 'he didn't ask for it'. I haven't been paid for week two or three yet, despite repeated appeals for it. And believe me, asking for money is nerve-wracking for me. I really want the confidence to bluntly require it, but I just don't have that aggressiveness. The only reason I've been able to ask for it more than once now is because its over $500 dollars, and that would really help us move.
Oh yeah. We're moving. Back to NC if Hubbykins doesn't get offered something better before then. It's the whole reason I took this job on. I was like 'Ooh, extra money to help us move!' and now I haven't been paid in so long I'm like 'Fuck it. I want the money, but not the recriminations. Just fuck it.' But I'm still holding on because Hubby is super worried about the cost of moving and I want to help as much as I can. >__< I'm not saying I'm not worried, but I do have confidence it'll work out.
I got my NC massage license application in the mail today. So I need to fill it out and send it back pronto so i'll have my license by the time we move back. They require 2 months to process the application.
I was gonna write a lot more, but we need to get to bed. Love you all!
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Future Me Letter
I got my letter!
Dear FutureMe,
I'm only doing this because of peer pressure. I've never seen the point of doing these before, but I think this might be it. So here's what's going on in my life right now:
Maya's just gone to the vet, where she put the fear of wild creatures into the superior-complex vet.
I just had my MRI done of my left knee because of ACL. I meet the doctor on Tuesday to discuss my options and plan to desecrate my body. Recovery looks like forever, but from your vantage point, it's sure to seem like a blink of an eye.
I just lost my job, and though I have an awesome recommendation letter (several, actually), I fear I won't find a job truly suitable to me.
I worry that I'm going to become too much of a burden for my husband to bear. Logically I know it's bull shit, but emotionally I'm looking for signs of being tired of me. Of course, the only thing he say's he's tired of, is being on top all the time. That's hilarious, so I'm not worried about it too much.
Other than that, life is pretty good. I love my husband, my life with him, and my cat. Heh. I also love my family, and hope in two years that Cin and the girls and boy will be in a much better place.
I hope that Kris is finally holding up on her own, and that the babies are all happy and healthy and still love me best.
I hope my parents are alright, and that we're looking forward to having children now! I should have had the implanon taken out two weeks ago, right? :D Yay no more nasty mood swings and long periods!
Alright, I'm done. I hope this letter passes muster better than my last future letter did.
I'm a little disappointed with myself here. I'm in nearly the same position, and we already have a kid, but not one from our bodies. Cin and the kids aren't exactly in a 'better' place.
MJ talked with me today about her mom, and how since she came out of Cin's butt, everything about MJ will always be Cin's business. I was angry about it, but pretty simply put it this way: You'll lose things if you make them her business. I said that if she was going to tell her mom we're moving, that we wouldn't move to NC for sure then.
Originally we were talking about MJ and how she not only likes boys, but girls too, and the girls that she's liked and kissed. I was gently warning her not to tell the rest of our family, that they might hurt her feelings. She decided to be dramatic, and said 'I just want my family to know the real me!' I never would have told my Grandma that I was bisexual. Hell, when I told my mom, she cried and said she was scared for my soul!! Which makes me wonder about souls, honestly.
I wrote another letter to myself and tried to make it more gentle than this one. I'll see it in a year or two. I don't remember when I marked it.
Dear FutureMe,
I'm only doing this because of peer pressure. I've never seen the point of doing these before, but I think this might be it. So here's what's going on in my life right now:
Maya's just gone to the vet, where she put the fear of wild creatures into the superior-complex vet.
I just had my MRI done of my left knee because of ACL. I meet the doctor on Tuesday to discuss my options and plan to desecrate my body. Recovery looks like forever, but from your vantage point, it's sure to seem like a blink of an eye.
I just lost my job, and though I have an awesome recommendation letter (several, actually), I fear I won't find a job truly suitable to me.
I worry that I'm going to become too much of a burden for my husband to bear. Logically I know it's bull shit, but emotionally I'm looking for signs of being tired of me. Of course, the only thing he say's he's tired of, is being on top all the time. That's hilarious, so I'm not worried about it too much.
Other than that, life is pretty good. I love my husband, my life with him, and my cat. Heh. I also love my family, and hope in two years that Cin and the girls and boy will be in a much better place.
I hope that Kris is finally holding up on her own, and that the babies are all happy and healthy and still love me best.
I hope my parents are alright, and that we're looking forward to having children now! I should have had the implanon taken out two weeks ago, right? :D Yay no more nasty mood swings and long periods!
Alright, I'm done. I hope this letter passes muster better than my last future letter did.
I'm a little disappointed with myself here. I'm in nearly the same position, and we already have a kid, but not one from our bodies. Cin and the kids aren't exactly in a 'better' place.
MJ talked with me today about her mom, and how since she came out of Cin's butt, everything about MJ will always be Cin's business. I was angry about it, but pretty simply put it this way: You'll lose things if you make them her business. I said that if she was going to tell her mom we're moving, that we wouldn't move to NC for sure then.
Originally we were talking about MJ and how she not only likes boys, but girls too, and the girls that she's liked and kissed. I was gently warning her not to tell the rest of our family, that they might hurt her feelings. She decided to be dramatic, and said 'I just want my family to know the real me!' I never would have told my Grandma that I was bisexual. Hell, when I told my mom, she cried and said she was scared for my soul!! Which makes me wonder about souls, honestly.
I wrote another letter to myself and tried to make it more gentle than this one. I'll see it in a year or two. I don't remember when I marked it.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
New life rule:
When you get a thrill of fear and trepidation in your stomach every time your phone buzzes, you're not in a good situation and should find your way out of it.
How I learned this: I took on a new job recently. I was a Personal Assistant for a guy that was the President of a company, CEO of another, and did other things as well. I guess I'm still employed with him, but he's scaling back anything he's told me to do, and only wants me for the Japanese portion that he originally hired me for now. I'm fine with that, but a little ashamed it didn't work out. On the other hand, if I'd continued to be competent, he'd have just piled more and more on me, until I *did* reach this point, I think.
Why I'm no longer a full-PA: It's a funny story.... We'll call my employer Dr. D, and his roommate Baby B. Dr. D swears he left a house key for me on the desk, but it wasn't there. I cleaned and organized the entire room and couldn't find it. So I asked if I could make a copy of Baby B's key, and by the time that got 'ok'ed, it was 7 p.m. I should have clarified on when he expected it back, but I didn't, and that was my mistake. Instead of going that night, making the key, and returning his, I kept it overnight and made the copy in the morning.
Now normally, someone's just sleeping at their house at night, so it wouldn't matter, right? Well he apparently works nights, but no one told me that. When I was asking 'Are you sure its ok?' he replied 'Yeah, I've got the codes, I'm good' or something, and I took that to mean Codes=Key, he'll be okay til the next day. Essentially a simple miscommunication.
Well, this miscommunication turned into a double-paned window being broken, police called, and hours of recriminations. I'm not going into all of it because I just don't care to remember anymore. It should really have been a terrible day, and I should really have probably reached a point where I was crying and whining and apologizing, but I didn't. I'm kinda shocked at all of it, and very, deeply, sympathetic to the situation I unwittingly put Baby B into. He was locked out of his home, had to break a window to get in, and then got woken by police trying to 'clear' the home. All because some chick he barely knows couldn't find a key.
So yes, I'm the bad guy here, and I'm really sorry about it. But I'm also not responsible for the window. If he didn't have his key, why would he lock the door? Leave the back door open if you need to go out. That's what Mom always taught us.
There were wrongs on both sides. I don't think that's a good reason to let him mock me and question my abilities and intelligence any further though. I understand why he's angry, and he was very angry, but the anger should burn itself out, and I don't know if it will. I'm not going to accept continued recriminations after today. One day's worth is enough.
To be fair, my job was scaled back for another reason that kind of 'piled on top' of this one. Dr D had some medicines he needed before the weekend, but the total cost to get it to him was waaaay higher than he expected. He called me expensive and said he'd be calling in a previous admin to take over the duties I was given. These duties include: Closing up his room, paying his bills, going through his mail, planning his trip, and cleaning up his house, it seems. It was way beyond the scope of what he originally asked me for. I'm not exactly happy to be 'dismissed' but I'm also definitely not unhappy.
So yeah, this was my day. On a more interesting note, I had acupuncture again. But I also had my birth control removed on Tuesday, so my body is all over the place, and my energy is rebounding rather strongly. So this session, I'm pretty sure I fell asleep, but I was utterly aware of my body, and if I dreamed, I'd already forgotten it by the time I got off the table.
That's all, I think.
How I learned this: I took on a new job recently. I was a Personal Assistant for a guy that was the President of a company, CEO of another, and did other things as well. I guess I'm still employed with him, but he's scaling back anything he's told me to do, and only wants me for the Japanese portion that he originally hired me for now. I'm fine with that, but a little ashamed it didn't work out. On the other hand, if I'd continued to be competent, he'd have just piled more and more on me, until I *did* reach this point, I think.
Why I'm no longer a full-PA: It's a funny story.... We'll call my employer Dr. D, and his roommate Baby B. Dr. D swears he left a house key for me on the desk, but it wasn't there. I cleaned and organized the entire room and couldn't find it. So I asked if I could make a copy of Baby B's key, and by the time that got 'ok'ed, it was 7 p.m. I should have clarified on when he expected it back, but I didn't, and that was my mistake. Instead of going that night, making the key, and returning his, I kept it overnight and made the copy in the morning.
Now normally, someone's just sleeping at their house at night, so it wouldn't matter, right? Well he apparently works nights, but no one told me that. When I was asking 'Are you sure its ok?' he replied 'Yeah, I've got the codes, I'm good' or something, and I took that to mean Codes=Key, he'll be okay til the next day. Essentially a simple miscommunication.
Well, this miscommunication turned into a double-paned window being broken, police called, and hours of recriminations. I'm not going into all of it because I just don't care to remember anymore. It should really have been a terrible day, and I should really have probably reached a point where I was crying and whining and apologizing, but I didn't. I'm kinda shocked at all of it, and very, deeply, sympathetic to the situation I unwittingly put Baby B into. He was locked out of his home, had to break a window to get in, and then got woken by police trying to 'clear' the home. All because some chick he barely knows couldn't find a key.
So yes, I'm the bad guy here, and I'm really sorry about it. But I'm also not responsible for the window. If he didn't have his key, why would he lock the door? Leave the back door open if you need to go out. That's what Mom always taught us.
There were wrongs on both sides. I don't think that's a good reason to let him mock me and question my abilities and intelligence any further though. I understand why he's angry, and he was very angry, but the anger should burn itself out, and I don't know if it will. I'm not going to accept continued recriminations after today. One day's worth is enough.
To be fair, my job was scaled back for another reason that kind of 'piled on top' of this one. Dr D had some medicines he needed before the weekend, but the total cost to get it to him was waaaay higher than he expected. He called me expensive and said he'd be calling in a previous admin to take over the duties I was given. These duties include: Closing up his room, paying his bills, going through his mail, planning his trip, and cleaning up his house, it seems. It was way beyond the scope of what he originally asked me for. I'm not exactly happy to be 'dismissed' but I'm also definitely not unhappy.
So yeah, this was my day. On a more interesting note, I had acupuncture again. But I also had my birth control removed on Tuesday, so my body is all over the place, and my energy is rebounding rather strongly. So this session, I'm pretty sure I fell asleep, but I was utterly aware of my body, and if I dreamed, I'd already forgotten it by the time I got off the table.
That's all, I think.
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