Haha. Bf is somewhat amazing.

He asks some really pertinent questions that just don't even occur to me anymore. My mother doesn't believe that I'm lactose-intolerant. She says that while *I* am not really allergic to milk, Chay *IS*. I was more upset (I use that term loosely) that she thought I would lie, than I was curious about why she would think I would lie. And about something I've been telling her for years. But because a doctor assures her that Chay is allergic to milk (personally, i wanna know WHAT in the milk he's allergic to), he is immediately the real one, and I'm lying to get attention.

Something I've noticed over the last few days: They tolerate my opinion, but they don't really want to hear it, and they dont really want to listen to me at all. They don't solicite my advice, they don't take it, and they certainly don't respect it enough to even listen until the end. I'm frequently interrupted, and rarely get to the end of any statement before I see their eyes and minds begin to wander. The sentences aren't even long! Any explanation is automatic loss of interest. The only time they pay complete and undivided attention is if the sentence is less than 5 words long. Like "I refuse." or "I said no.". Those are given attention.

I asked bf rather bluntly, if my opinions were just that low in the interesting scale, or if they were that self-absorbed. He took less than 20 seconds to type an answer of "self-absorbed." There was no doubt or hesitation. And he said it wasn't a hard question. I really admire him when he's so blunt and open about things like that.

My family seems to be gossiping about me lately, but they never seem to want to seriously talk to me. It's like I'm notorious or something. I've noticed that to preserve my own emotions, I've taken to suppressing any and all emotions I feel in anyone's presence (except the children. I play and laugh and openly miss them). When my sister remarked that she would miss me, I barked out a laugh and told her flat out she wouldn't. I didn't mention my private thought of "well, you will when you want something from me." I wonder where they'll be when I come back. I get the feeling the only difference will be that they're gonna be a year older and not a hair wiser. My family can make me doubt myself like no one else. I always wonder if I'm actually as self absorbed as they are, and just can't tell. It's a sobering thought.

I've admitted to Cin that I'm sadistic. When she admitted she didn't really know what that meant, I explained it all, and now I find that she and my mother have been discussing my attention towards the children in light of it. I cautiously wonder if they think I should be kept from the kids. I don't delight in hurting children unless I feel it's justified. Of course, 'hurt' means 'punished' and not even a lot of pain needs to be involved in that. In fact, a healthy dose of fear is much more conducive to good behavior than actively acclimating them to pain and yelling, in my opinion.

Speaking of the kids. They were getting them ready for bed, but I could see the parents were on a short chain, temper-wise, so I stepped in like I usually do. I got the kid's attention on me, got everyone smiling, and made the babes feel loved and enthusiastic. They got excited, which "isn't good, when they're going to bed" and the parents got mad at me, acting like I did it on purpose, with the express wish of causing them difficulty. I fulfilled my role excellently. They remarked "Now the kids are all wound up and we'll never get them to bed." so of course my response had to be "Good! Now that *my* job is done, I'll go out!" Which set them to grumbling and 'confirmed' their opinions that I do these things on purpose. In all honesty, I'm just sick of hearing children get yelled at. At least if they're yelling at me, I can yell back without bodily harm befalling me.

Of course, all this makes me sound like a great person, doesn't it? *flutters lashes* I only provoke others to keep the helpless babes safe, and I'm sorely mistreated all around, and no one in my family even WANTS to understand me. *tch* Sounds like some heroine that will meet a tragic end. I don't mean to sound like that. I just don't always like being seen as the villain. I admit, I take perverse pleasure in rankling my mother and sisters. I adore thwarting their attempts to get their way with me. And succeeding where they fail gives me infinite pleasure, even when they won't admit I've done it. That sounds like a villain. I dont mind being a villain. But living that lie every day wears on me like little else manages to.

Okay, I've had enough sulking. I think I'll try to talk to my mother privately tonight and failing that, I have a really yummy book series I've started. I need to finish it soon anyway. Love ya'll.

Oh, right. I started a blog for my Japan trip. It's RunaandJapan.blogspot.com and I'd appreciate if you follow it. If not, I may content myself with reposting it here, and then adding private thoughts to it, since that's a very public blog that I know some administrators will be following. As always, (and as always never taken up) leave a comment, or contact me somehow~!