I am Woman

I've been noticing lately....I'm becoming a "Woman". It would likely seem obvious to others around me that I'm changing bit by bit into the form that I was always meant to become, but it surprises me. I mean, my body's changing. Already it's different than it was even 2 weeks ago. If I put serious effort into it, I could shape it however I want to. I can become anything I want to. And it scares me. What I become is my choice. I've always known that, but to see the reality of it, to watch it form, is thrilling and terrifying. My boyfreind (no offense dear) hasn't become a man yet. He hasn't progressed to his final few stages before he's recognized as one in all shapes and forms yet. And I'm getting to those stages. My mind is changing, my hormones are stabilizing (or going crazy weird) and my awareness is shifting. I appreciate so much that no one else notices, and I'm so delighted when someone else notices things that I notice without my interference. It puts us, however briefly, on the same wave-length, the same level. I can feel that connection to a stranger that is so comforting to me. I should explain that, shouldn't I? My thought in that way is, if I can commiserate with a stranger, I'm obviously normal in some capacity. That's always been my standard for judgment. Because people that get to know me begin to classify me as one thing or another. I've always felt like that was a slap in my face. But to try to correct them would be to admit that someone is wrong, or that their opinion is more important. It's too troublesome for the most part to me. I tried too hard for too long to cater to their ideas or fit in. I want to be me. So back to me (because I'm self-absorbed). I'm changing, and I can feel it. The person I choose to be, who will watch over me and pat my head or gently scold me? Who will keep me in line? Because I only have my point of view to begin with, and to look from someone else's point of view is difficult, and you need to realize that your view isn't omnipotent before you look from someone else's view. Gosh, I don't know if I'm making sense. Basically, I'm terrified I'll turn myself into someone that is unable to realize when they're wrong, or be unable to step back and see through someone else's eyes. I hope that by worrying about it, it's proof that I won't become that person, but I don't feel I can depend on that. Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? What type of people do I want to surround myself with? Who do I want to keep near me for the rest of my life? How do I go about making these decisions? There's no assurances in life. So is it worth it to worry? That's not worth answering, because it's definitely worth it to worry. If it makes me a better person, it will ALWAYS be worth it. I won't give up. I may lose the determination I feel now, but that doesn't mean it won't be waiting for me, deep inside, waiting for my cry for strength. I should build up my mental and physical abilities. That's gonna be really difficult for me. My self-control, while iron-clad at times, has been snapping and breaking so easily lately that it's very alarming. I wish I had someone to strive for the same thing together with me. I'd ask my bf, but I don't think he has the drive and determination and the deep thoughts that I'm having now to make him a good partner for this. My freind M would be a great partner for this, but she's taken a year off of school. *sigh*
List of traits I admire and want to possess:
-Kind
-Insightful
-Dependable
-Respectful
-Strong
-Attractive
-Gentle
-Open-minded
-Mature, but immature when I CHOOSE to be
-Strong-willed


I'll do my best!

Quote of the Day: "I don't like it when things are too big in my mouth."(referring to ice) "That's what SHE said!"