I'm alive

I have survived. I even survived the entire trip back without much incident. *sigh* I'm here if anyone needs me, but really, I'm just gonna nap until someone calls me. I'm expecting two or three, so I wonder how long my nap will last? My stomach can't handle much food at one time right now. ^_^ Even fries were stretching it a bit, and I only had a few. Ah well, I'll post later, if you're lucky.

2 YEARS, down the toilet...

So, I have survived the worst of it. I think. I'm still nauseous, but now I'm hungry too. And cold. Despite my sweatshirt and blankie and sheets. I can't believe two YEARS of not throwing up went down the drain today. Multiple times. I brushed my teeth after every time. But still, throwing up is disgusting, and I can't hardly stand to do it. My stomach started attacking my rib cage while I dry-heaved and there was blood in my mucus, and the first time i threw up I got it in my hair, so I bent over the tub and washed it with Chay's men's shampoo, but now the thought of brushing it is like asking for death.... I needed to call Kelly and Zack and ask if they wanted kittens, since the kitties are big enough to seperate from their mother and the landlord really wants the pets gone, but it didn't happen. Lots of strange dreams and trips to the tiolet did though. ^_^;; I'm so hungry, but I already decided no food today. Maybe some water, but mom was guzzling water (because she was so dehydrated) and kept throwing it up. I've had about an ounce of water today, but that's it. nothing else. At all. And now the cold chills set in.....If I thought I could stand long enough, I'd go to the kitchen and get some water. T__T I hope this really doesn't last into tomorrow too. I have to wrap presents and send them to alabama with my aunt.

Why does today have to suck?

So, prior to previous blogging, there is no shopping today. There is diarrhea and throwing up. And crying, and taking trips to the bathroom, and having to share because all three adults are sick, and there's two toilets. Its laying in this bed, waiting for the next bout and praying it doesn't come. It's drinking the most awful drink concoction since beer: Sprite. And it's wanting to sleep, but being scared that one wont have enough time to make it to the bathroom if one does. I might update later.

What happens in College, stays in college

*Sigh* So today was busy. I woke up multiple times, and each time I ended up snuggling with Maya, my kitty. She seems partial to my hip.....sadness.... Anyways, I got up around 8, and was on the road by 8:15. T_T I impress myself with that. I stayed at the bookstore for a good while, then I went to get food, and Goodwill, and an Antique shop (where I bought a handmade scarf with my mom's money) and then to the WALMART! I got stuff for school, and just some good books. I've already read them all....they're still haunting my mind. While I was relaxing with them, mom came and asked me to watch the boys (my nephews/cousin) while they went out again. They were gone for like an hour and a half, and that was what she called a 'quick trip'. Tomorrow they wanna get up at 8:30 and set out to flea markets. *sigh* I dunno if I'm up for it. I think I'll end up as a babysitter instead of a shopper. I got along with everyone today though, so it was nice. I felt like a part of the family for once. Not a common thing, so I appreciate it, even if mom wouldn't drop me at the mall...*sigh*. I also ate a TON of food. My nephew got sick with the same thing my baby cousin was sick with when he first got here. While I was laying with him. In mom's bed. *sigh* I got some presents for freinds, so it was good. And I got a nice shower that has made me sleepy. I was up early today. Multiple times. So today I realized something important, obvious, and irrelevant all at the same time. My boyfreind knows just about everything about me. If he were a bad person, or he got mad at me and lost his pride or something, he could almost ruin me. Or at least eject me into a crowd I wouldn't want to be associated with. But then I started thinking, that that could be a good or bad thing, depending on how you looked at it. And that's how I developed my title for today. Whoo. I don't feel like it matters all that much, but all the same, he sorta has my life in his hands and doesn't realize it. Or care. Or at least, doesn't take advantage of it. *shrug* It's all good. I entrusted him with the information he has of me because I believe in the wonderful person he is. If I'm wrong about doing that, I think I deserve to learn from my mistake the hard way. Meh, it's likely the sleepiness talking. I wanted to call him today, but I felt like he would be busy, since he hasn't been online. I think he might've gone to the movies or shopping with his mom and dad. That's my theory, anyway. I'll find out sometime, but likely not tonight. I'm too tired to wait up for him tonight. Children wear me out......

Quote of the Day: "Who you are doesn't change; just the facets of yourself that you show others."

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone~!
Today I woke up multiple times, due to my family. Then I got up at 2. (Went to bed around 3:30) I got up, got dressed, and went into the battle zone. EVERYONE was here. My entire family in this state was here. I didn't expect that. We all got along well enough. Kris was complaining to me about our brother, who apparently trashed their house the other day. My cousin Cody was being bratty, but she looks good, so it's okay. We all ordered Chinese for our dinner. Funny, right? When Kris and I went to pick that up, along with a few other things, we tried to pick up a newspaper too. That failed. We went to three or four places, and didn't find one. NOT ONE!!! We also had to pick up Sprite for my cousin/nephew because he's been sick all day. Isn't it sad? A 3 yr old that can't eat today....It made me worried. He threw up anything he was given except for Sprite and water. And he had a bad case of diarrhea too. After everyone was going home, I went with my sis and bro to her house and looked at the kittens. Their eyes were matted closed. So I cleaned it out so that all of them could see. They're barely big enough to be away from their mother. Then I helped arrange the baby room so that Kris wouldn't be doing it by herself. In the process, I crush a bit of my skin under a TV I was moving and my finger's skin was pinched off. Sorta painful. My back hasn't been horrible, just painful enough to promote leaning against things. I need a shower, and I need to sleep, because the females are attacking the stores at dawn. .....I'm scared.....so scared..... lol. I laugh in the face of danger. I have an anime series to watch that is turning out to be rather good. ^_^ I haven't heard from bf yet, but I'm not worried. He's religious. It's bound to be a busy day for those types. So tired.....I'm gonna chill now.

Quote of the Day: "Could it be that I....I....I was wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am-ed?!"

Back Pain, Back Pain, go away!!!

When I went to bed last night, my sister kept getting called, and every time it woke me up. So I didn't sleep well. But like always, Maya (our kitty) slept with me. I love it when she does that. So, I got up around 12, and cleaned the house. Washed and Dried the sheets for my Aunt who is coming today. Then I cooked myself breakfast.(Toast and eggs-MMmmmm) Sat around the house doing nothing really until everyone came back home. Chay was a brat that ignored me whenever I tried to tell him not to do something. (Chay is my nephew) Kris, my sister, bitched and moaned at me most of the evening, looking for sympathy and agreement from me. *sigh* It was okay, because she wanted me to play with her hair after she braided mine. Her hair reaches past her butt. I'm sooooooooooo jealous. After that, I lent her my bubble bath stuff, and she took a nice bath. I took one later too. Chay didn't really want to stay at his mom's house tonight, but we all fought with him until he eventually gave in. I took a bath tonight, trying to ease my back's pain, and then showered later, but it didn't help my back at all. I'm actually sitting here near tears because of the pain. Mom tried to massage my back, but I think it made it worse, if anything. I should take medicine, I know, but I don't like it. I don't like being out of control, and I think that's the basis for my avoidance of taking pain pills. *sigh* I'm gonna go 'ignore' my family for a while now before I retreat to my room with my laptop and watch more anime.

Quote of the Day: "What if they moved her house?"

Rejection

Ahhhh, today was long. I waited for my bf, who never showed, and never called, got annoyed, left, redid an extra credit assignment, ate lunch with bf, went to class, paid no attention, got out of class, pursued the three ppl I needed to see in order to find out what major to apply for if I wanted to become an editor, and then went back to my room and waited for my mom to come get me. When she came, she brought my brother with her, and he was nice, and I gave him his present. We came back, ate pizza and cake, watched Hancock, took a nice bath that matted my hair, did three loads of laundry, and had a nice talk with my female relations about orgasms and men and experience relating to those subjects. I failed at becoming an RA, and got the email today telling me I had been cut. I want to cry, but at least like this I can do what I want. There's a ton of other options. At least that is what I keep telling myself. My back is a little better, but not awesome, and I need to soak more in the tub, I think. I freaked out my sister and even my mom today when I mentioned a few sexual experiences I've been through that they didn't know about. Sis started muttering to herself, and Mom stared at me til I confronted her and she backed down. I was told how to make a man suffer badly tonight though. (It was accidental) Apparently, if you get rubbing alcohol on a guy's private sack, it buuuuuurns, and the feeling won't go away. Taking a shower makes it worse, and stuff. I guess I should be careful not to do that. I also found out my nephew's balls dropped. Not really something I want to know, and to go with that, mom has plently of orgasms without sex. >.< I could totally live without any of that info. Oh well. *sigh* I feel like today was a good day, if overly long, and ending before my thirst for knowledge was satisfied.

Quote of the Day: "Smile to hide the tears" and "Look forward to tomorrow. You never know what's waiting to be discovered."

Kyou wa kyou da, ashita wa ashita da.

So, since I missed that interview yesterday, I'm no longer eligible to be an RA this coming year. That sorta sucks, but I guess I can run for IRC board, or get a real job. *shrug* they don't want me, fine. I missed first class today because my back hurt too much for me to do much, even walking was difficult. I took my test and made my teacher laugh because of my song. I then participated in an experiment on AIM for the 3 experiment points I needed to pass. YAYS! No extra paper for me to write! I should do the extra credit assignment though.....I don't do well with tests. My meetings were all cancelled, but no one told me, so I still showed up. Damnit. Waste of time. But I got to play with bf, and went out to eat with Z and E. Also went out to eat with bf's parents, and other freind C. Sad, but most of my freinds are boys. Still, it's nice when you get concern from your freinds and family. I worried my mommy last night when I called her late at night, and she called me at 7 am, and 9 am. lol. Like, on the dot. Funny, really. I didn't mean to worry her so much. I was just a little disappointed when she didn't pick up. I'm going to bed, as that's mostly what happened. Blegh. Today wasn't too bad.

Quote of the Day: "I would have been much happier to have been born her real brother."-Make what sense of it you will. I liked it.

Everyone's flooded a toilet once or twice in their life, right?

Today, I missed the interview due to my ineptness with geography. Then I got lectured by my bf for it. Which pissed me the hell off. I already gave myself hell, I didn't need it from someone else too. But we worked it out eventually. He apparently was upset that he couldn't get his hw well, and that he couldn't help me in time, so (lo and behold) he took it out on me. I think it's understandable, but not something I want to repeat. Learning experiences, right? Well, we ate with other people, and then we talked about it on the way home. I don't particularly like when I tell him my point of view, and all he does is tell me "sorry". I mean, I'm happy he realized he's wrong, but just saying Sorry doesn't tell me that he knows why he was wrong, or anything. I can't relate if I don't know what he's thinking. But that pales in comparison to this!
So, we got back, and MY back started hurting. It still hurts, actually. I feel like I'm gonna get a back-cramp soon. It's so painful. I don't know why though. Well, I have a theory, but it's stupid for it to hurt this much. Anyway,
The title of my blog is because I had an incident tonight, that mortified me, and ^_^; has the potential to ruin relationships. I'm wondering where mine stands right now. I would also dearly love to hear my bf's point of view. But mine is below:
1. I hadn't used the bathroom (#2) in three days. It makes me uncomfortable to use it when others are around. Everyone feels like that to some extent, I'm sure.
2. It was hard to concentrate, and I've always concentrated better on the toilet. Odd, but true. I once(still considering, actually) considered making a chair that is shaped like a commode, but soft, and comfie, and putting it in my room so I can concentrate without taking up the bathroom. I don't know how many times I've been kicked out of the toilet for doing my homework in it when someone had to use it. (Fun situation. They get a female to check and see what I'm doing, if they're not female, and end up kicking me out. rightfully, but still T_T I wanna concentrate!)
3. I went into the restroom, while my bf was in the room, and told him my secret about it. But I actually felt like I needed to use it too, so I did. While working on hw.
4. I used it. Apparently a lot. >.<
5. I finished up the hw I was doing
6. I got up, pulled my pants up, and tried to flush the toilet.
7. Fail.
8. Freak out, 'OMG! I can't let my bf see this! I have to clean up right now! It has to flush!'
9. Commense to attack the commode with a thingie that you're supposed to use. I know how to use it, I'm the one that takes care of all man-work when Papa goes away. It just does NOT WORK!!!
10. It overflows. (Yeah, Einstein, it would do that. I'm an utter idiot)
11. I freak again, flinging the rug over the curtain post, slam the door open, jump out and keep going for a few steps. Then see the water coming after me, and the next rug, and pick THAT one up, and fling it over the pole as well.
12. Try to get some papertowels, go too slow, so I fling the ENTIRE thing in the middle of the mess! (Thinking back, gosh it was funny)
13. Look up with burning ears and utter mortification in my eyes at my bf, who was just beyond the door anyway. He's like, "What the hell?" But he helps me.
14. By trying to find a mop after the paper towels obviously don't work. I strip and grab an old towel. Hands-on work always did suit me better.
15. He fails at finding mops. So he works with paper towels, while I work with my poor towel, that I loved so much! *Cry*
16. We get it cleaned up. He's obviously like, "I cna't believe I'm doing this. I don't even want to think about what this is made up of. Oh gosh, the smell......Damn, how did the evening turn out like this??"
17. My embarrassment can't get much greater. But I'm beginning to think, "well, at least if we get married, he'll know what he's gotten into on the rare occassion. If this breaks us up, well......yeah.....Oh well......broken by a broken toilet. WHY DO TOILETS HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING?!?!?!?!?*reference to my kitty that drowned in a toilet bowl*"
18. I completely strip and take a shower, because by now, my feet are the thing that's getting everything to stay dirty. Bf 'mops' with a swifter thing. I want an old-fashioned mop!
19. Bf leaves while I shower, and I feel like there was this in-complete feel in the air, but hey, if I could escape, I would have too. I live here though.....sucks to be me.
20. I post about it, and bf makes a feeble joke on AIM about needing a Dam earlier tonight while I die from the pain of my back. Hellz yeah, today sucked. I shouldn't have ever gotten out of bed.

Gummibar: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z47EUaIFrdQ

Quote of the Day: "Anything's a turn on when there's a lack of clothing" "......" "Okay, and physical contact." "......"*Unconvinced look* "WHAT??"

You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villan

Oh yeah. I totally saw The Dark Knight tonight. AWESOME MOVIE~! I want it. I want to see it again. I also want to say, the actors were amazing~! If the dude that plays Bruce Wayne also plays all of Batman, he is AMAZING~! If I were single I'd do some silly shoutout about how I want to marry someone like him, but really, it's just that I have a thing for Batman. Always have, always will. Though, the New Batman from Batman Beyond is more my type since he's, you know, closer to my age. But I'm happily taken, so that's a no-go. ^_^ Good thing bf likes Batman too. I totally just found my new favorite movie. Also, totally love Joker. *Sparkly eyes* If I ever lose my sanity, I wanna be like him~!
On a new note: I had an interview today. 15 minutes long, and I had set aside an hour. *rolls eyes* SO early too. I ended up napping in bf's room instead of playing with him or doing something productive. I feel like I'm forgetting something. oh well. Then we went to a play that was really good. It was surprisingly funny. heehee. Then we played for a while, and then we went to eat before going to see a movie. The movie mentioned above. Obviously. Whoot.
Today was interesting because when we explored a new sexual experience, the end result made me freak out a bit. ^_^;; I know logically thinking, the chances of a virgin getting pregnant are veeeeery slim, but it still worries me sometimes. I just am NOT ready to have kids. I think I'd be that one girl in a thousand that gets pregnant the first time-and it wasn't THAT 'first time', just something sorta close to it that felt lovely, but >.<>.> , <.<, >.< Actually, from our activities a few hours ago, I can still feel him. (Like, my body is remembering him a lot....embarassing really)
But, I have another interview that supposed to be a few hours with group activities in like, 6 hours. EEP~! I need sleep, or I won't function. Love ya'll~!

Quote of the Day: "He's the hero that gotham deserves, but doesn't want/need. That's why, we have to chase him." T.T Totally wanted to cry~! Awesomest ending I've seen in a while. Makes me crave more~!

I'll update this with my actual day later,

but for now,

Screw Political Correctness:

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

(This one is too funny to not forward.)

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up, Bitch"

~Just because I can, and because I totally don't see the problem with this.

Goodbye, My ideal President

So, Today I took a test at 8:37 (because I was late getting there) and prolly scored about the same as all other tests because I was so tired and annoyed about it. Then I ate with my sweetie. And freinds. Then I went and (accidentally) met up with a previous Spanish partner of mine who lent me a poem to read for the spanish project that was due tomorrow and I did it and did well even though I hadn't seen that poem ever before. Next I turned in a paper that was due tuesday, and went back to my room, did a little work, and then fell asleep. Deliberately skipped my last class, but got up so I could eat with bf before he went to class. *le sigh* I haven't felt 'the thing' all day. So I went to hang out at the IRC office, played at doing the extra credit assignment for that class that I turned in that paper for, and played dead, basically. Then I went to a publicity meeting, and was like "Gyaaah" Because it was our last one basically, and I didn't really enjoy having to give advice about a committee that didn't take the time to get anything done seriously and didn't ever really take the committee seriously. Even I wasn't gung-ho about it. But I put my all in just about everything, so I don't feel I stinted on my effort. So then, at the meeting, we had to listen to Facilities Presentations. T_T Then judge who to give the money to. It sucked. And took 3 hours around. So finally, after that exausting activity, we get to the last bit of business.
It was an ominous line of business indeed. Titled simply: "Letter of Resignation." Only a few knew who's letter it was until that moment when our president's mouth opened, and out came the horrible words from the letter: "I, ______, President of the Inter-ResidenceC____..." And then the heartbreak set in.
Everyone's voices were cracking, tears were leaking, and then, oh THEN! WE had to APPROVE his removal. He said "Is there a motion to approve the resignation?" and THERE WAS!!!! Then there was a second! When he asked if there was an objection, I was numb with shock and horror. I was SOOOO grateful to J. when he said "Objection!" and when Brian asked if there was a second, I scrambled to second it. I wasn't recognized for it, but that isn't why I scrambled anyway. I was just so relieved when someone else seconded it. I couldn't talk. Then the questions came. The things about why, and is it okay, and such happened. But the most memoriable thing was, "The initial reason we picked our president was because we felt he knew what was best for IRC. If he feels this is best, I think we should trust his decision." -Next Person- "...Yield.." I was torn. I couldn't think of a person better suited for this position, but I didn't want to get in his way. Everyone should be able to resign if they feel unable to keep going. But,.....He was the initial thing that made me curious about IRC. He explained it to me. And he encouraged me. He wrote my rec. for my RA application. He thought of the initial idea for my program baby! IF you think of it that way, he's my baby's daddy! (Totally a joke, don't take it seriously) But I really admired him. Even though he's had a tough time, and I could see that he was, he stayed so positive and encouraging. *sigh* I don't know what to do about this. I don't know who can replace him. I don't want anyone to. But we need a leader. I would run myself, but, I'm a freshie!! And I don't have the connections. I feel that someone who is the president needs the connections. Also, I don't know what would become of my Rep position. And He left HUGE shoes to fill. I'm wondering, but I dont feel ready to do it. Then again, anyone who feels they can replace a nearly flawless president is obviously full of folly. I think I'll go continue to cry now. At least it's semi-private here.

ITS ALIVE!!! Or it was...

My baby program has been born, and it was alive. I heard a couple people saying how they were sad it was a yearly thing, that it should become a monthly thing. I was told a few times that it was a success. But the best complement, I still firmly believe, was when people said they enjoyed it/learned from it/wanted to do it again. I don't think I did as much as I should have, but I am so glad it turned out alright. It's finally over! So, when I got back to my room at 11pm(first time since 9am) I thought I was good to go. LIES!!! I have an article that was due TUESDAY to finish, and an "Assessment" that just took me an hour to do. *sigh* S'okay. ^///^ bf and I became somewhat closer tonight. I thought maybe I would offend or hurt him with some of the things I said during the discussion, but honestly, I drew strength from him so I could continue to honestly speak about my experiences and feelings. I'm so happy I have him. It's okay that we have big differences. I worry for the future, but the present is most important right now, right? I have an exciting weekend up ahead, and then I get to go home for chocolate chip cheesecake! YAYS!!!!

Quote: *leans on shoulder* "So, what gender are you attracted to?"-".....I'm gay....That's what that whole discussion was about just now...." ......Oops.....shouldna been happily munching on snacks.....

Why does my life feel crappy?

I have an awesome boyfriend, I'm smart enough to pass my classes if I try, my roommate rarely bothers me, my family loves me and wants me to come home but aren't a burden, and I have some great freinds.
My awesome boyfreind seems a little scared to touch me, making me wonder what a)to do, or b) just plain why?. My classes aren't super difficult, but damn if they aren't annoying. That makes it hard for me to take them seriously as a chance to learn something. My roommate comes around once a day, for a shower. With her boyfreind. Who she giggles with, goes into the bathroom with, jumps, talks to in a voice I'm almost certain is meant to be cute, not her own voice, and just can't seem to come without! They've been dating for like a month! I just feel so awkward in the room with them all alone. Geh, no matter. My family is cute, but every time I go home, I end up wondering why I bothered. They don't take me seriously as an adult yet, even though I've lived on my own for going on three years now. *sigh* My freinds.....I like them. They're mostly guys, but I like them. I want some girl freinds too though.....waaaaah....

So today I went to class (we have a test later this week: WHOO! Less class time, not sleeping through someone's lecture!) today, then I went early to Jap class, and had some kewl conversations with females! It made me really happy. I promoted my program, which is tomorrow, and I was TOO COLD to stand outside handing out buttons!!! I felt bad, but if I wouldn't make someone else do it, I'm not able to make myself do it. We finished making them though~! Then I went to eat, and then to class. It started snowing on the way to class. OoO I was amazed. Honestly, two guys were standing there smoking, and one says, "Dude, there's a snowflake. It's snowing!" and my immediate thought: "....Is he high....? Why would it be snowing...?" And then I saw the flakes. hee. I felt bad for my bad thoughts about this random stranger. Went to class, immediately went to sleep (I amazed myself) and then class got out early. I stayed with my bf for a while while he waited for his class, and then eventually left the worrywart (there's no way he wasn't prepared enough for it, but if he wanted some reassurance, not my place to deny him some.) to go sleep. One the way, I called my mommy to tell her about hte snow, and she was properly amazed. I think I slept through one of his calls, because my phone says so, but either way, he came to my door after class, and we slept together til time for him to go eat (I declined in the interest of sleeping a long time) I woke up to mommy calling me again, and it was because I forgot to call her when I got back, like I said I would. *shrug* She's sounding strange lately, and it makes me worry that she's found out one of my secrets. I have a few, but there's only one I have ever deliberately kept from her, and if she found that one out, I think it would cause some serious issues in the family, so I REALLY hope she didn't. When I got up again, I couldn't sleep anymore, I'd had a strange dream again, and my music wasn't playing, so I turned it back on, and for some reason thought of my roomie. Lo and behold, not five minutes later she walks in with her bf. OoO I was in my underwear, so I 'eep'ed and flung myself down and under my blankets. When they passed me, I immediately grabbed the clothes close to my bed and got dressed. They were loud and made me feel a bit awkward again, but they didn't really bother me too much. My compie died for a bit, before I ressurected it. Now I'm typing to you, and bf passed his test pretty easily. Yays~! But I have a headache, and feel not-happy because I wanted a shower a while ago, and I'm starting to get hungry. Boo....Now I have to scrounge for food, because LIKE HELL am I going outside when I don't have to. I've gotta bring my other jacket back with me when I got home. Pheeeew. Way too cold! hope ya'll like the ramblings of my day. This is beginning to become like my journal. Except, you know, random people can read it. ......Fun....

Quote of the Day: (Actually, an email from an fanfiction called The Demilitarized Zone: I highly recommend it)

"To: The Devil

From: Your Disgruntled Minion

Subject: Oh how I hate you…

Lord of the Underworld,

I have no idea what you think this will accomplish. Perhaps you hate your brother. Perhaps you hate me. Perhaps it’s some sick medley of both. Honestly, I don’t care. I take my job very seriously but if you really think sending me into the woods with your bastard of a little brother and some insane lunatics who, from what I can see in the ‘attached flyer’, wear entirely too much green, is a responsible idea for the company, then so be it.

I will see you on Friday, Prince of Darkness.

Abused Minion, U. Incorporated

Currently Burning in Hell (Wish you were here.)"

Work Work Work for the volunteer co-ops

Heyla~!
I'm so tired! Today, I bet it would have been interesting to watch me get up(i.e. Watch me fight alarm clocks, cell phones, computers and emails before my eyes fully opened....). I know I woulda laughed if I wasn't running a little late. (After setting my alarm two hours early too) *sigh*
I think Pandora is a pretty good creation. Very interesting. And useful. But it played all night. Prolly cause I got to sleep around 4 am. And up around 7:30 (then back up at 7 55, 8 20, 8 50, and up for good at 9, finally) Hn. Then I went my merry way (NOT) and went to classes. Wrote my first text ever during Math, and then nearly had to skip my secondforeign language, the one closest to my heart for a program! My minions weren't coming through like they should have. But you know, at least a good portion showed up today. Then I nearly cried because I had to approach random people. Everyone that knew me already were like "Here, I'll help" so they helped. T__T Except my BF!! He sat there and read some hw book with the box while we all tried. Geh. Oh well. It was nice though, today he waited outside my class for me (I didn't see him though, so he had to chase me) lol. He was lucky I got to go to class. I nearly had to miss it so I could cover for the minions. But hey, it's cool. Then I ate, had ice cream, and worked on more things for my program until time for dinner, then went to a group interview type thing, and I was so cold in a skirt!!! I made a few freinds and promoted my program though, so it was fine. Then I realized that I completely missed my HALL PROGRAM that I promised to help with. But before I remembered that, I went to Dunkin Donuts and visited my bf(changed in his room too. That skirt wasn't cuttin' it.) So really, I felt totally horrible, cause it was like I just goofed off without caring. Honestly, my mind sucks. *sigh* So then I have been free for the entire evening. Yays~! Homework and I are gonna go make babies soon~! They'll be super hard-working!

Quotes of the Day:
In response to a roommate+her boyfreind issue: BF: "Forget that crap. If they do that, call me and i'll come over and get in bed with you and we can make strange noises and get them to get the heck out of that room."

“It’s simple. My brain automatically filters out stupidity. You were saying?”

“Hey, kids… why the hell… I mean, come on in.”

That's what he said

Work work work. I need to get up early to get some hw done that I haven't had the chance to do. I'll be so happy when my project is over. Sad, but happy. *sigh* So much to do, and time is going so fast. I feel like I should be in a panic, not getting things done fast enough, and losing time so quickly. I want time to stop going so fast. I got a LOT of work done, but it wasn't homework. Damned hw. *sigh* So tired. I might fall out. hehee.

Quote of the Day: *talking to self as I tried to put something in my purse* "It won't go in! *heh* That's what he said" *Looks up and catches bf's eye.* .......Shit......

Hn

Lots of work, lots of time with bf. Yummy pizza sticks though. Today was....interesting. I almost had a case of pantie thievery. ha. As if. I'm too much woman for thieves.

Quote of the Day: "Is it supposed to be this awkward?" "No, I don't think it is....." *both stare blankly* "....I give up....."

Things I don't allow myself to do

1. Study just to pass a class or get a good grade- The grade has no meaning other than yeah, I can regurgitate something temporarily. I go in to things cold. I take the test, and the grade reflects what my abilities would be in real life. Is this wrong? This will make things harder for me later on, even more so than they are now.
2. Lie when it will only benefits me. Unless I'm joking, and they know I'm lying.- If I get myself out of rightful punishment, what's to stop me from just disregarding all the rules? I know three ways to commit murder without leaving any evidence: concrete, circumstantial, or otherwise. If I slip and allow myself to fall under the bar I myself set, who's to say how low I'll go?
3. Say all the mean things I want to.- If everyone said all the mean, horrible things they want to, I think there would be too many scars on everyone to allow love or trust to ever flourish. (Sorta amusing that trust is built on mutual silences in most cases.) Others hold themselves back. I just take it a step further.
4. Control myself with an iron fist.- If I don't play or enjoy my life, why should I live? Like, for example: I am overweight. I know that, I want to fix it, but if I deny myself all the things I enjoy about living, like cake, and sweets and not pushing myself til I choke bile down, why am I alive? I'm inflicting a hell on myself that I don't think I deserve just for having a little extra weight around the thighs and arms. Even living for the sake of others has a limit: eventually you end up wanting to die because of the horrible things you'll see. I have to relax a little. It's just hard because I can't relax with people I don't know very well nearby, which makes it hard for others to get to know me.
5. Contemplate Suicide.- When I die, I will have lived a full enough life. I'm ready to die at any moment. Honestly, I'd prefer to die sooner than later, because of the horrible things I see and deal with in my mind and life. But my theory is, I've gotta go. I will go. There's no avoiding it, so I need to live as much as possible so I don't regret not doing something when I go. (Right now, there's only two things I would regret the most(they're almost on the same scale of importance, too): Dying a virgin and never having skydived or bungee jumped)
6. Cry when and how I want to.- I have too much pride. How can I live with myself if I don't leave some dignity to hold my head up with? Not that I really do that. I would easily trip and fall if I didn't look down often.
7. Lash out to the extent that I have no more evil or angry thoughts left.- I feel like I could break someone with all the poison I can accumulate when provoked. It would prolly drive me to insanity if I did.
8. Refuse responsibility.- Someone has to. I have an inferiority complex in such a way that I feel that I am always the weakest link, or the one who royally screwed up, even if I'm the leader and was not personally at fault. Like, "If someone has to suffer, better it be me, because I deserve it more, than someone else."
9. Inflict physical harm to myself and others to the extent that there would be scarring of any kind.- That's sorta morbid sounding. My meaning really is though, that I am a very strong person, and tend to hold very deep emotions. I have never let out my emotions in a physical way to the point that I have scraped the bottom of any emotion.
10. Admit these things to most people.- honestly, I'm planning to delete this post sometime tomorrow. If I remember. I just have begun to have doubts about everything and want to read this again tomorrow and see if it's just the night talking.

I wonder if holding myself to a higher standard isn't more harmful than helpful. Yeah, I can secretly handle more, but I cannot convince someone of how competent I am if I don't have the evidence to back it up. Should I lower the strict rules on myself that only I know of, enforce, and acknowledge, or should I hold on for longer? I had someone ask me today if I was gonna drop out of college. He thought I might because I am "failing Bio and Math". He wasn't a teacher, it was a person in both of those classes with me that hears my difficulties in them. That shocked me. Yeah, I complain, and I don't do well on graded tests, but LIKE HELL am I going to drop out of a stupid second-rate school that wasn't even my first choice. I like my school, don't get me wrong, but I refuse to lose to something so stupid. The only thing is, I don't know that I can stay in school and graduate with commendable honors or grades without lowering myself to the level of other students. The thought of actually doing such a thing has put tears in my eyes right now. I have never thought myself superior to others (contrary to it, actually) but if I don't hold myself up higher, can I be proud to be myself and be able to look at myself without feeling like a shitload of resignation that cannot hold to a belief or value? I hold myself with different values. Can I change those to coincide with the 'normal' values? I wonder if maybe I might just be scared to lower myself, and then find myself lacking in comparison with others. Since it's occurred to me, I haven't been able to relax about it. Am I just scared of my worthlessness being proven?

Lasertag

Wow. So, last night I went to bed around 3 am. Then I got up around 7:30 am. And went to class super early so I could turn in a paper that I had to meet my boyfreind to get. I went to class, listened, was bored, and went to Spanish. I went to sleep in spanish for a little bit, and when I woke up I took a quiz! And got a 40 on it. Better than the guy next to me, who had been paying attention and made a zero. Then came math. Where I paid super attention. And did well. And made simple mistakes. Like always. Oh well. The teacher explained my error. Then JAPANESE~! Whooo. ....I don't remember it, but we had the young teacher today, and she's loud and a little scary, and a little young....I think my freind likes her. It's amusing except that he partners me, but he talks to her and doesn't do the practice like we're supposed to. It leaves me in a bit of a bind. No biggie though.
SO! After class, we head to sushi like always, get almost to his car, and then he has to bail because something's happening with his roommate and such. Bleh. So I ate with just my other freind (still enjoyable, though I was likely lacking in brain power) and decided on my way home I wanted caffiene. I made a joke about how we were gonna run into my boyfreind and he was gonna be with some girl, and we would have that weird 'Are you cheating on me' conversation with our eyes, and w both laughed about it, because neither me nor my boyfreind would cheat. And then we run into my boyfreind. With someone else. ^_^ It was REAAAALLY amusing. It was a guy, btw. So I get my caffiene, me, bf, and bf/my friend(the one he was with) all go to the freind's room. I work on some hw (World ended. really, it did.) and they work together on some physics hw, and then I go to sleep. And they continue whatever they were doing. We all go eat later, then bf and I go LASERTAGGING!!!! It was awesome! I wanted to be on opposing sides from my boyfreind, but that didnt work out. It was fine though. I know in the middle of it, I thought about the two of us covering each other and winning together, but that didn't happen either. *cry* It was so much fun though. I love being competitive, but sometimes I overdo it when I think something isn't fair. You see, after Lasertag we played air hockey. Which is fun. But my bf has a habit (i don't think he ever really thought about it) of stopping the puck and starting over when it comes into his territory. It's one thing if the puck gets caught by the handle thing, to save it from scoring, but when you constantly restart it, it feels wrong to me. I was always told it was wrong. And he does it so often. I felt like it was cheating. Because to my way of thinking, you aren't taking what you've got and making the best of it, you're saying "No, this isn't how I want it." and restarting the entire match. I don't like it at all. But my annoyance and frustration over him doing that and me losing combined to help me snap, and I finally ....was mean. *sigh* I was totally mean. I stopped the puck, scored on him, and said "That is cheating. STOP CHEATING!" I just was so frustrated. When you restart the match over like that, of course you have a huge advantage. Over me at least. Because I tend to go "Huh? Restart? Where will it go?" and lose my focus. Anyone can win a match like that in my mind. But when you take a puck, use what's already happening to it, and still win, I feel like that's a victory. But I shouldn't have snapped. When I first noticed him doing it and it bothering me, I should have calmly mentioned it, and I didn't. I thought it wasn't a normal thing. So I tried to ignore it, and got frustrated. I felt really horrible, because it really upset my bf. >.< I shouldn't lose my temper. It hurts ppl. This just has to be my week for hurting people. *sigh* So anyways, later, we come back, and I lose my set of charms that always stay on my cell phone in our driver's car. THANK GOODNESS~! If I'd've lost them in the park place we were at, I would never have been able to get them back. Either way though, I got them back quickly, and my bf and I cuddled for a bit before he went home to sleep, and got caught in a really bad downpour. I really felt horrible. It was my fault! If he hadn't taken me all the way home, he wouldn't have had any issues. *le sigh* Oh well. Now I'm getting really bad stomach cramps, and I'm going to bed....after I shower. Maybe. ;) G'night ya'll~!

Ooh...

I feel drained. I wonder what tomorrow will be like? I have had an energy drink today. And I teased my boyfreind. That's always fun. I have nothing else to report really. My day was boring, and I skipped a class cause I was sleeping and dreaming and didn't feel well. yays.

16. You catch someone checking out your partner. You:

Grin because I was waiting for the chance to kill someone today.
Feel lucky that I have such an attractive partner.
Kick their ass.
Smile, introduce yourself, and then slip out back to set their car on fire.
Slip something into their drink.
Throw yourself at your partner's feet sobbing, "I'll never be good enough for you, will I?"
Think about what I'm going to eat for dinner.
Stroll over smirking and confront them by saying, "Back off bitches, this one belongs to me."

I just couldn't decide on one answer....they all sound good...and they all sound bad....I like one and two, but the throwing at feet thing is likely the only one i wouldn't be tempted to do....heeheehee Sorry, short post. I'll likely do more some time later. This was just too funny to give a mention. By the way, these are my results:

You are a Badass Uke!

Other uke admire you, some seme fear you. Despite your sometimes flaming appearance, you can even fool other people into thinking you are seme with your mischievous, manipulative attitude, but when push comes to shove, your true submissive nature emerges. It takes a seme with enough intensity to challenge you and keep you satisfied, and your perfect match, the Don't Fuck With Me Seme, knows that all that naughty teasing just means you want the punishment.

Most compatible with: Don't Fuck With Me Seme, Chibi Seme

Least compatible with: Sadistic Seme, Romantic Seme

What seme or uke are you? Take the experience at SemeUke.com, or find merchandise here.

Exercise: Meant for the body, good for the soul

I love when I can just run around all day. 5 events from 10:15 am to 3:30 pm.

Dinner at 6:30 (Boyfriend delayed me from dining at 6, but that stopped me from eating unnecessary food)
Japan Club at 7
Dancing at 8 (BTW IT WAS GREAT~!) Well, thinking back on it....My first partner wasn't all that 'on top of his game' though he had the moves down. My second partner .....was somewhat new, and his hand kept slipping down.....far down....Almost too far down, but not quite. Yays for having to twist around when quickstepping. My third and final (and shortest time together) partner was the one from last week, and (first one was a repeat too) he's somewhat advanced, so he keeps pulling moves I don't know, but hey, at least we made it through the corner turn.
SWIMMING at 9:30 (THE BEST *ahem, second-best* PART OF MY DAY!!!!) Ahhh, the water....ahhhhh the exercise....ahhhhhhhhhhh the sauna afterward~! I may have to do this more than once a week. It feels too good right after not to. But I get the feeling....tommorrow I'm gonna hate myself......
Now I have to scramble away to shower and finish my paper, so my boyfriend can check it for me and give it back and i can fix it and give it back and he can print it for me. I hate papers....at least, the non-fully-opinionated ones.

Quote of the Day:

You're a sincere moralist, you touch me with pretty fingers
I'm a pure terrorist, revolutions occur as you wish

A specialist in this kind of love, your long nails get me erect
I'm an egoist who wants to make you love me, I want to push myself inside you

Ah...
The closer I get to losing control
The more your face grows distant

~Gackt, from his song Vanilla ( I had no idea these were the lyrics....until tonight.)

Runa 2.0

I just don't think I wanna be a new prototype of myself. It seems fairly pointless, since the slow but constant withdrawal back into the person I was before the upgrade is almost surely going to cost me a lot. So, Today, my beautiful program, the love child of my heart and dreams, seems to be hated by someone close to me and mine. This is rather vague, I know. I have a program that is debuting next week, and today it was discovered that all data that was available for our beautiful program-child has been deleted. Destroyed. Crippled. I could cry. I love my program. I hate how everyone wants to change it to address everything, in a poor two hour block, and how the timing of the program could not possibly be worse. I believe I need to step up. It is next week. I'm about to step on toes, smack some enthusiasm into peeps, and take some names. If I have to grab someone by the ass, and drag them to my baby so that it can flourish, I will do so. I won't tolerate someone hatefully destroying something without ever giving proper reason or objections to the program. If you gotta problem, state your case. Put it out there.
New subject. I'm so tiiiiiired. I have time for so little, and I have even less time for homework, sleep, and playing. I'm gonna be stepping things up for the next month, so I'm gonna be stressed, and prolly gonna be someone no one wants to know, but I will do my best to remain as sweet-tempered with those that are sweet to me as I have ever been. (Hard sentence, don't worry. Just reread)
New subject. WHAT IS UP WITH THIS HALL COUNCIL?!?!?!?!? Are hall councils supposed to have drama happening? I do not get this. We should have business interactions, or freindly interactions, not discriminating between people. Um, for example, being freindly with one person, but expecting another person to only be professional and inpersonal. To take offense at something that was short, to the point, and maybe a little abrupt, but obviously had no hard feelings, then make a public announcement about it! Without ever having mentioned that there was anythign wrong to the person you took offense to! JEEZ! And then, to send this email that makes you seem like the poor lamb, that is willing to be sacrificed, that is not cool. *sigh* I'm done ranting. I will honestly say, I have overexaggerated this. But, my defense is, I have tried to put this entire thing behind me, but it just k-e-e-p-s h-a-u-n-t-i-n-g MEEEEE! I keep thinking about it, and how it isn't fair, but how I should have been more on my guard, as well. I don't know why I tried to impulsively trust a female without testing her out first. Gaaah. I don't learn my lessons well enough. Gentlemen, take notice. Always test a woman's emotional stability, communicative compatibility and tendency to dramatize things before ever trying to make freinds, let alone something more out the relationship you currently have with her. (I'm a straight female and I'm semi-terrified of women) *Shakes head* I'm gonna get started on my work now.

Quote of the Day: "Live your life in such a way that when you wake up, the devil trembles and says, "Damn, she's awake!"."

A Crying Shame

So, today I made a fellow council member cry because of an email I sent at 3 am, after already going to bed. Last week. That she never replied to, nor even gave a hint upset her. Until tonight. When she kept bringing it up. I liked her before this, but really, if you can't grow some balls, you don't need to be presiding over 600+ students like we are supposed to. It isn't funny to try to blame my unprofessionalism at THREE A M when at least I bothered to try to get it done. I even tried to do it for her, but I don't translate well without someone else to translate what I say. I was a little careless, maybe a little harsh, but any idiot should be able to tell that it wasn't meant for her. I felt awful all the way to my room, close to tears myself, because I hate upsetting other people. When I get to my room, and read the email, it's not rude, it's informal, and it's short and sweet, but I can immediately tell there's a note of cheerfulness there. Grief. I can't believe I was so worried. If it knocked years off my life, I'm gonna be so sad. On another note, I really think that I'm too spoiled. I've been thinking this lately. I give up too easily and turn to others to hand the answers and means to me. In fact, I'm growing a litte sick of myself. True, I earn alot of what I do that is considered spoiled, but alot of the other things is just me taking advantage of others knowing me well enough to anticipate and be prepared to do what I want them to. Like my poor boyfreind. I'm taking advantage of him with homework, acting like an impatient child, wanting everything to work out the first time I try, and getting pissy when I can't automatically understand the reasons behind doing something. That's pathetic. I'll be working on it.

Quote of the Day: "Can I cry on you?"- "Definitely NOT!!!"- "Too late." *GLOMP*

Stupidity is a Rite of Passage

So, I never really thought I would ever create a blog, let alone make use of one. But I have once again become immersed in something that sounds interesting because I follow my boyfriend's blog. T__T Sad.... You know, this is how I got AIM. A friend insisted, or else I would have happily remained a firm yahoo lover. I'm still a firm yahoo lover. I just constantly use AIM. Anyways, I'm studying Japanese and I have little hope of ever emerging from my obsession with it. I'm certain my boyfriend will be following mine as well, so ^_^ I hope we call all get along~! Not that I really think anyone would read my blog. But hey, you're more than welcome to, I don't mind. Yoroshiku onegaishimasuyo~!

Quote of the Day: "You talk like Yahoo is your old lover and AIM came and stole you away." "haha, You're right. But, for that to be true, I would have to like AIM."