1. Study just to pass a class or get a good grade- The grade has no meaning other than yeah, I can regurgitate something temporarily. I go in to things cold. I take the test, and the grade reflects what my abilities would be in real life. Is this wrong? This will make things harder for me later on, even more so than they are now.
2. Lie when it will only benefits me. Unless I'm joking, and they know I'm lying.- If I get myself out of rightful punishment, what's to stop me from just disregarding all the rules? I know three ways to commit murder without leaving any evidence: concrete, circumstantial, or otherwise. If I slip and allow myself to fall under the bar I myself set, who's to say how low I'll go?
3. Say all the mean things I want to.- If everyone said all the mean, horrible things they want to, I think there would be too many scars on everyone to allow love or trust to ever flourish. (Sorta amusing that trust is built on mutual silences in most cases.) Others hold themselves back. I just take it a step further.
4. Control myself with an iron fist.- If I don't play or enjoy my life, why should I live? Like, for example: I am overweight. I know that, I want to fix it, but if I deny myself all the things I enjoy about living, like cake, and sweets and not pushing myself til I choke bile down, why am I alive? I'm inflicting a hell on myself that I don't think I deserve just for having a little extra weight around the thighs and arms. Even living for the sake of others has a limit: eventually you end up wanting to die because of the horrible things you'll see. I have to relax a little. It's just hard because I can't relax with people I don't know very well nearby, which makes it hard for others to get to know me.
5. Contemplate Suicide.- When I die, I will have lived a full enough life. I'm ready to die at any moment. Honestly, I'd prefer to die sooner than later, because of the horrible things I see and deal with in my mind and life. But my theory is, I've gotta go. I will go. There's no avoiding it, so I need to live as much as possible so I don't regret not doing something when I go. (Right now, there's only two things I would regret the most(they're almost on the same scale of importance, too): Dying a virgin and never having skydived or bungee jumped)
6. Cry when and how I want to.- I have too much pride. How can I live with myself if I don't leave some dignity to hold my head up with? Not that I really do that. I would easily trip and fall if I didn't look down often.
7. Lash out to the extent that I have no more evil or angry thoughts left.- I feel like I could break someone with all the poison I can accumulate when provoked. It would prolly drive me to insanity if I did.
8. Refuse responsibility.- Someone has to. I have an inferiority complex in such a way that I feel that I am always the weakest link, or the one who royally screwed up, even if I'm the leader and was not personally at fault. Like, "If someone has to suffer, better it be me, because I deserve it more, than someone else."
9. Inflict physical harm to myself and others to the extent that there would be scarring of any kind.- That's sorta morbid sounding. My meaning really is though, that I am a very strong person, and tend to hold very deep emotions. I have never let out my emotions in a physical way to the point that I have scraped the bottom of any emotion.
10. Admit these things to most people.- honestly, I'm planning to delete this post sometime tomorrow. If I remember. I just have begun to have doubts about everything and want to read this again tomorrow and see if it's just the night talking.
I wonder if holding myself to a higher standard isn't more harmful than helpful. Yeah, I can secretly handle more, but I cannot convince someone of how competent I am if I don't have the evidence to back it up. Should I lower the strict rules on myself that only I know of, enforce, and acknowledge, or should I hold on for longer? I had someone ask me today if I was gonna drop out of college. He thought I might because I am "failing Bio and Math". He wasn't a teacher, it was a person in both of those classes with me that hears my difficulties in them. That shocked me. Yeah, I complain, and I don't do well on graded tests, but LIKE HELL am I going to drop out of a stupid second-rate school that wasn't even my first choice. I like my school, don't get me wrong, but I refuse to lose to something so stupid. The only thing is, I don't know that I can stay in school and graduate with commendable honors or grades without lowering myself to the level of other students. The thought of actually doing such a thing has put tears in my eyes right now. I have never thought myself superior to others (contrary to it, actually) but if I don't hold myself up higher, can I be proud to be myself and be able to look at myself without feeling like a shitload of resignation that cannot hold to a belief or value? I hold myself with different values. Can I change those to coincide with the 'normal' values? I wonder if maybe I might just be scared to lower myself, and then find myself lacking in comparison with others. Since it's occurred to me, I haven't been able to relax about it. Am I just scared of my worthlessness being proven?
2 comments:
I have several comments. Not really saying my thoughts are right, but I think you should consider them.
1. To be a student is to study. You got away with not doing this in high school (for the first two years at least) because it was easy enough to where you did not need to study. The problem is that true learning does not come from you sitting on your butt and listening to the teacher talk. It comes from studying on your own, doing problems on your own, etc. No person (besides a super-genius) can get through a class with no studying. Quite honestly, I think the way to look at it is that you're making the material stick in your head for the test so it will stick in your head more "in real life." No studying means no learning or little learning from the teacher, either of which isn't good enough in the real world, unless you want a job that doesn't require a degree. But that defeats the purpose of going to college.
2. I'm happy you're not a killer.
3. Hmmmm....doesn't your last post on lasertag kind of contradict that? I think you keep too many thoughts inside sometimes, so it boils over and hurts more than if you just say what's bothering you earlier. Don't let self-consciousness overrule your own sanity and comfort...it'll be better in the long term.
4. Hmmmm. I'm not sure I have much of a response to that. I agree with the relaxing part.
5. I'm glad you don't want to kill yourself (seriously).
6. I'm not saying crying all the time is healthy, but sometimes it can help you feel good. It helps me feel better, and I'm a guy for goodness sakes.
7. Sort of the same as #3.
8. Don't blame yourself for things out of your control. Its just extra stress you don't need.
9. Yeah....I'm glad you aren't physically abusive.
10. Its a public blog, and if the posts are really getting personal to the point where you feel uncomfortable, I can tell you how to make it so only the ppl you choose can see it.
I'm somewhat confused and offended that you think what most students do is on a lower level. Take a look around. The successful people are the ones dedicated to their classes, studying, doing well, and grasping the material well enough to perform in the classroom. The tests/quizzes/assessments are to prove to yourself that you know the material well enough to apply it in the real world. If you aren't ready to work, to show exactly what you are capable of, then I think you are in a shitload of trouble. This isn't a game anymore. You are in college, the place that is supposed to prepare you for the real world.
I'm sorry if my comments appear to be harsh, condemning, or anything of the sort. None of that was my intention. But I felt I had to respond to what you said and give my honest opinion.
Hi, I am a first time reader, and i just kinda happened to stumbled unto your post. I want to tell you that even though i don't know you, you are a beautiful, intelligent, and true individual. I like you bar, keep it high and hold yourself to it. Having a bar is also known as having self respect and decency.
The only thing i don't agree with is your stance on education. Life is like an open book test with pretty much unlimited time and clear instructions. In life if you have a job, your employer would tell you to seek other resources and help and advice from other people to get your work done right. It's not a cold test. You have help all around you, i.e. the internet, other people. Take your education seriously, it's the only thing that is assured to get you to where ever you want to go. Keep it real, be yourself, and know that you are loved! Bye!
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