I feel like there's this ebb and flow that keeps my feelings contrary to bf's....

=_= So sad...just as he gets optimistic, I get pessimistic. I'm not doing all that great. But I'm not doing all that badly. I suppose I'm just a little shaken up? This is why I'm shaken up:

I took the bus back to my room by myself. It wasn't late, it was only around 8:30 pm. There's this 'assistant driver' type person that stands with the driver after it gets dark most days, and I normally smile and nod to him, sometimes talk with him a bit. He reminds me of my brother. He has this....aura, that reminds me of Bubba, my brother, but that...aura is like....=_=;; (This is politically incorrect) the aura of a retarded person. So I feel little to no danger from those types of people, even if I'm uncomfortable with them. (They tend to be big and strong and able to beat me if I were to fight them) Well, tonight, he stopped me as I was getting on, and said "You know, you have the MOST beautiful hair I've ever seen." I was a little flattered, and I had just been talking to two strangers, so I was already in an open mood, so I stood and talked for a little, and when someone near us moved his bag so I could sit down, I did. The bus driver got off the bus, and went off somewhere for a minute, and the guy got closer. He was all "Aww, You know I'm just flirting with you" and I took it as a joke, and said "Just as long as my boyfriend doesn't find out" (I WAS NOT SERIOUS!) He looked around and asked "So where IS he tonight?" and I was all "He's having dinner with his parents." and we continued to talk a bit, but he kept looking at me oddly. Like....appraisingly. I was unsettled, but it doesn't particularly bother me to be stared at a bit. My freinds do enough of it. But then the guy reached over and took my hand! I was so shocked, I couldn't react. Then he patted it and let go, and I looked at him like "Why the hell...?" and he said "I'm fine, I'm fine." And he stared at me again. I was totally uncomfortable now. But I didn't know what to do, and I didn't have time to react when he reached over and took my hand again. He let it go really fast again, and this time I stared at him and asked him, "Are you okay?" He said he was fine, and then he reached over and put his hand over mine again. He let it rest there and I stared at it. I honestly could not think of anything but like "I can't jerk my hand away, that makes it seem like I find him repulsive and hated. I want him to let go. Why is he doing this? Why won't he stop? If I move my hand, will he grab it tighter? Can I move my hand?" And then the bus driver came near, and he let me go. I left my hand there for another minute, to make sure he didn't think I was trying to hide my hands from him (my hands had been resting on my bookbag, over the water bottles to be sure I didn't lose them) and then I moved my hand quietly under my bookbag and wiped it on my jeans, and tried to keep it there. But on a bus, the bookbag tends to move, and so I ended up leaving my hand back where it had been originally until time for me to get off.

Other stuff happened, but not in relation to this event or person. I know ya'll are prolly thinking "What the hell Jme! Don't be worried about hurting his feelings! He doesn't have the right, blah blah blah." But I really think he was just socially awkward, and even though he was trying to hit on me, I would rather he pick someone more receptive. I don't hate him for it. I'm fully happy in my relationship. I just....don't like the idea of bluntly telling a guy with mental issues to fuck off.

When I got back to my room, I could still feel his hand on mine, and I really was freaked out a bit. I tried to call bf, but it didn't go through, so I IMed him. He didn't answer. So, I did the best possible thing. I called my mom. When I told her what happened she said "You were prolly right. He prolly is retarded, and the reason he withdrew his hand was because he knew he was doing stuff he wasn't supposed to. You're like me; you're open and freindly, and you won't look down and ignore people around you. But you've gotta be careful, that's how they get you. You think they're harmless, and the sweetest things, and they will PICK YOU AND TOTE YOUR ASS OFF!!! You need to be more careful." I agreed with her (not about the toting me off part, but...I'd rather be safe than doubt her wisdom right now) and when I told her I couldn't get the feel of his hand off mine, she told me to wash it. I told her I didn't want to do that, because I might scrub the skin off. But she made me feel better about it, a little.

I think the thing that bothers me most about it, is that I just sat there and let it happen. And so did all the other people on the bus. They actually sat there and stared. I even KNEW some of them! Not like 'freinds' knew, but at least 'aquaintance' knew. I was totally in shock. It floored me that he felt he could just touch me. I don't like to be touched! I HATE it if I didn't give the okay prior to that! I felt betrayed in a way, and I want to avoid the buses from now on. And the whole time, I was thinking of bf, and near tears. I wasn't embarrassed exactly, but I felt a little bit like I had betrayed him as well. When I said "As long as my bf doesn't find out." i was KIDDING! I tell bf just about EVERYTHING! And I still feel betrayed and like I betrayed him.... ;_; Why did that guy have to touch me? Can't he just....not do that shit???

I told mom that i didn't want to take the bus by myself anymore, and she said she didn't blame me. I don't think I can avoid it without being obvious about it though, and mom said "So what? Be obvious. That way he knows not to do it again." I feel like that's the right thing to do, but I don't want to hurt that man's feelings in such a blunt, "I hate you for what you did" way....>.< Argh...I hate my feelings sometimes.

Now I'm feeling queasy and unwell. I keep thinking about that man, and I hate it. I want someone to hold me and tell me it's okay. I know it's my own fault, but I still don't want it to be.