So, I'm not really gonna talk about my day. Basic summation of it: It was slow paced, and I presented myself well.
Now on to my real thoughts. So, I'm beginning to tire of having this persona of confidence around others. Honestly? Every time I'm uncomfortable, tears form in my eyes, and I have to struggle not to cry. I tremble for three-fourths of the day without explainable reason. My voice dries out and cracks when I try to talk to people I don't know well. I get nervous and attempt to jump into conversations but end up making a fool of myself. I sometimes just want hugs without anything else, but feel pressure from myself to take things further, and it's only my fault. I feel guilt and worry about my family, but am not brave enough to call and see how things are. I'm scared to death to go home for Spring Break because I don't want to meet Cin. I'm a meek, scared, shy and antisocial girl. And I'm trying to fit into the role of a real woman with a confident air and steady persona that invites others to come under her leadership. It's not me. And I don't know why I don't want it to be. Do I just want to remain a child a little longer? Or do I just feel like running away because it's in my DNA? Some of my family have never grown up. Maybe it's the genes.
Okay, that was my worry of the day. Now here's some funniness to make this worth reading:
"She reached for the closest, thickest, heaviest book she saw, stepped out from behind the bookshelf, and heaved it at his head.
And, to her own astonishment, she hit him.
He cried out in pain and ducked. The book landed on the floor, sprawled and face down.
The rushing, seething, spinning anger died immediately. No more red and white sparks. No more thrumming, swishing noises. No more clenching, trembling nerves. She just blinked, slack-jawed, at the cover of the book. It was one she had never read. It occurred to her, vaguely, that now she was going to have to read it."-To the Gentleman in the Back, by Alicia Blade
I thought it was amazingly funny. I'd prolly have the same thought she did.
3 comments:
I'm sorry you are so worried about the way you present yourself to others, but not to sound corny or anything (well actually yeah I am trying to sound corny) but you should really just be yourself. Don't worry about how others think about your true nature, if they don't like it, you don't need to associate with them. That's pretty much my outlook on life and I at least don't feel like I'm hiding anything special (true I have very few friends because of my nature, but I'm willing to accept that). And since it relates I'm giving you a sneak preview of my quote of the day today (I don't really think this far ahead but this one stood out to me yesterday): "Be a first rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland
It isn't that I'm not being myself, it's that I'm just presenting minor parts of myself as the major ones. And it's not to have freinds, it's to maintain my responsibilities as a a dependable leader. I have to project confidence so the rest of them will have confidence in me. I just get tired of it already, and it's only been a week. I was wondering if the rest of my life is going to be like this. My dream is to work at home and never have to deal with anyone I don't choose to.
The question I have about your last statement is that you choose to work with ppl that you don't really want to (I'm thinking of the hall council you are on). And growing is just a part of life.
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