I'll have to work on it. I used to be too mature, but in such a way that people wouldn't get a full disgust of me. I also hated to be ordered around, or expected to do something just because someone said to. I was the type that would tell a person "No." to their face, and then, when I was confident they weren't looking, I'd do it and get it done. But then I would either say it wasn't me, or just not respond if they asked if I did it for them, because I felt it was too silly to ask for credit for things I did because I wanted or felt obligated to do it. Now I'm the type that would still do it, but I feel like I would wag my tail and pant, going "Thank me, thank me. Love me, Love me!" That's not what I want. Actually, I'm getting a little tired of myself. I've become too typical. I'm not mature enough. I don't have enough backbone to openly declare myself anymore. I worry for others and then get misunderstood. I do things for others that they didn't ask of me because I thought they wanted it, and find that they don't appreciate my doing it. Or misunderstand me. Or don't realize my intent at all.... Whelp, I feel like I've done enough. I want to work on myself, and make it easier to openly depend on me. But what I really want is to go home for a bit. I'll hate it, I'll get in trouble, I'll likely get yelled at and pushed around and ignored, but I'd like to go home. I've been away for a little too long. It's been over a month now. And my instinct to go home is getting weaker. It's not that I don't like it at college, it's that I like it too much. And my mom's birthday is in two weeks. I still need to get her a gift. I can't go this weekend, it's Valentines and I need to spend that with my beloved Valentine. I shouldn't go next weekend because it's an event that I'm on the committee of. And the next weekend, I'm sure, will be something else.
Ugh. I'd forgotten crying gives me headaches, and I forgot just how moved I become by seeing unity or hearing of self-sacrifice. I get my compie back tomorrow. Oh, I didn't blog yesterday, did i? I have been demoted to a back-up worker. Now I only work when they call and ask if I'm free because they're too busy. Lovely....I'll have to find another job. I hate the idea of it, but the store next door to my old job is hiring, and its close. I feel like I'll end up working the entire block eventually though, and I really don't like that idea.
I need to focus less on my happy times and social life and more on my school work and learning. I've really gotten rusty with my commitments to learning in the last 3 years. At least I've got the opportunity to learn more and fix what I've made of myself. Standing up for right probably means admitting when someone else was in the wrong, doesn't it? -_- I'm really bad at that. I feel they should confess, and I shouldn't interfere. Even if I end up blamed for things that weren't my fault. But isn't that making excuses, or pushing the blame on others? Or it seems that way. I'm really twisted in some ways, aren't i?
Also, I don't like begging or purposeful coercion, but I tried it out last night. And I still don't like it very much. I then feel like they aren't really wanting to do what I've asked, and then I feel guilty and self-hate sets in. I feel really low. uggggh. My thoughts are too heavy for my mind. Either way, I just wanted to try to work out some thoughts and even though there's even more questions than answers then there were when I started, I feel a bit better getting them out. I know my thought process is hard to follow, so I think I might ask that you not try to see connections too much. It'll hurt your brain if I explain it.
On a lighter note, I love when bf hugs me. I feel beautiful and comforted and truly cared for. Isn't that the greatest set of feelings that any simple act can inspire? ^_^
Quote of the day: I feel pretty, oh so pretty, so lovely, and shiny and gaaaaaaaaay. And I pity, any fool that isn't me, todaaaaay." -Anger Management-My own interpretation of it.
Funny video (To me, since it doesn't exactly suit the correct characters) but I don't like the screaming very much:
This one's pretty cool:
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